Was I raped??

Last May of 2019, I met a guy at the bar - I was recently broken up so pretty emotional, we hit it off well, played pool and the loser had to take vodka shots. Apparently we played three games and I lost all so I took all those shots(honestly I don’t remember the third game or shot) - I remember him suggesting he drive my car to his apartment - even though I didn’t really think it was a good idea but I was close to blacking out let alone voice my opinion .. I momentarily remember being in my car as he drove, blacked out, then I remember momentarily having sex, blacked out, and then bawling my eyes out in his bathroom for two hours-ish before ubering home.

Now here is what makes this really confusing ... and very hesitant for me to conclude that it was rape...

Ever since that night til now, I have been emotionally obsessed with him. He told me he did not want anything to do with me again since that night. I was at mercy of his call and texts, and here I was, absolutely emotionally connected to him. I felt like I was in love with him. I DONT KNOW WHY. I even voluntarily went over to spend time with him, have sex with him few times, even, just so I could rekindle that connection that started off on the wrong foot. It made me feel like I was in control, and I visibly showed him I enjoyed it. I wanted to date him so badly even. Yes, he was a very attractive guy and very successful. The more I tried to mend things and show the 'positive' side of me (not the embarassing drunk side) he told me to not contact him. It was almost like I am trying to stay blind to the negative facts of what really happened and trying to turn it into love?? I don’t know??

But since then I have been severely depressed that I did something shameful like a one night stand which isn’t really me. And I had a epiphany yesterday when a friend heard my story and told me I was raped.

And now I cannot get this out of my head. If I decide to press charges, my action afterwards does not make sense and likely will not fly in court. He will simply show them all our texts (my desperate texts) and they will tell me why am I so head over heels in love with a guy who supposedly raped me. I never acted like a typical rape victim. I am so lost at what to do.

Yes, you were and there is no “‘typical rape victim.” I am sorry for what happened to you. Please explore this in therapy. It helped me a lot.

Alcohol inhibits the processing of short-term memory, so no, blacking out =/= lack of capacity or consent. It simply means you can't remember the moment. This is very well established science. Plenty of people can find themselves laid out with the ceiling spinning not able to move but still remember it all. Others can carry on completely functional and cognizant without any recollection. In other words, you may have or you may not have been. Though him offering to drive your car certainly isn't a good sign. Regardless, I'm certainly not going to factually claim one way or the other. I would encourage you to pursue therapy as if you may have been if you're here questioning it with concern now.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this emotional fallback. I really would encourage therapy to help navigate it. None of us can help you in the manner or to the extent you'd require to do so.

I think seeing a therapist is your best course of action through this emotional and painful experience.

I wish I could say more. It is a very complicated thing and I think a counselor or even one of the national hot lines (if you're in the states) can help you better.

Don't be afraid to seek help.

((hugs))

It will be near impossible to prove rape at this point.

You've left it for too long. There is no rape kit. You contacted him again and continued dating him. And it will be your word against his.

That being said, please never allow yourself to drink to the degree you did, ever again. YOU are the only one who can protect yourself and to not become vulnerable. Being intoxicated to the degree you were, made you completely vulnerable.

As for being obsessed with him, that truly is something you need to work out in counselling. I hope you get help as soon as you can.

A rhetorical question like this cannot be answered in the sense that this is not a court of law, an attorney's office, a law enforcement department or an emergency room. Accusing someone of a felony is a serious matter that you need some professional advice on. Stop talking to this friend.

The best thing to do is get to a doctor for a complete evaluation and a referral to a therapist. Talk to professionals who can help you not friends who want drama. Either way you benefit. You can sort things out, define what happened and most of all address the issues that led to it and resulted from it.

I have been emotionally obsessed with him. I felt like I was in love with him. I wanted to date him so badly even. he told me to not contact him.

 

I have been severely depressedI had a epiphany yesterday when a friend heard my story and told me I was raped.

You can’t consent when you’re drunk, end of story. The grey areas are where both people are drunk but if he could drive then I think he was sober enough to know what he was doing.

I’m also sorry this happened. And I think you shouldn’t beat yourself up for even one second about reacting how you did, that reaction served you in the time, and it sucks to be rejected, but you were rejected by a monster. Maybe you can’t see it now but he’s done you a solid. Let that puff of poison disappear off into the sunset and begin to heal. Co signing find a therapist that feels right and talk it out.

You were drunk, hence not of right mind to consent to it would be considered rape. If you were blackout drunk after only 3 shots, maybe e drugged your drink(s)???? Whether it could be proven in a court of law is another matter.

Anyway, Why don't you call a rape support hot line and ask this question of them? They will be able to guide you to therapy resources and to discuss whether or not to press charges against him.

Rape comes in all shapes and forms, from what you have written it seems both of you were able to connect to get through the pool games and drinks which I assume in his mind showed that you were having fun and more could be explored.

Rape comes in all shapes and forms, from what you have written it seems both of you were able to connect to get through the pool games and drinks which I assume in his mind showed that you were having fun and more could be explored.

^^^ The fact that they were "able to connect" does not equate to consent. If you are assuming in your life that a connection means fun and more could be explored, then I see a rape charge in your future.

Rape comes in all shapes and forms, from what you have written it seems both of you were able to connect to get through the pool games and drinks which I assume in his mind showed that you were having fun and more could be explored.

Giving opportunity for you to expand on this.....

to assume because someone is drinking and having fun with someone means they are even thinking they want to have sex with you is NOT SOMETHING ANYONE SHOULD BE ASSUMING.

NOR IS A NORMAL LINE OF THINKING!

I think there is a huge grey area about consent after a couple of drinks compared to being so intoxicated that you black out. Every night in every bar in the world there are couples meeting having a drink or two and decide to have sex. Is there rape involved in the equation when the drinks are a way to lower inhibitions? I don't think so--at that level.'

But when it turns into drunkenness, blackouts, and such. Yes.

The problem is where is that line, the border between mutual fun and an attack.

When in doubt, write it out.

"I, ________ agree to have sex with _________ on the night of _________ 2020. I hereby decree that if we can print our names and sign on the lines below then we are not too drunk and it constitutes our consent to having said sex.

_____________

_____________

(half joking)

My heart goes out to you. I always find it helpful to decide the value of my conclusions to my SELF, and what I intend to do about those.

For instance, if I conclude that I was assaulted or raped, what do I intend to do about that? Will I use that conclusion to press a case against the person? Will I use it to damage myself, or will I use it to become smarter and stronger from my experience?

Nobody here can decide this for you.

Thanks for all your replies. I am still confused. I want to add a little bit more:

the morning after that night, he actually texted me saying how I was being sexually aggressive and initiating things with him. Basically he told me that I was the one who initiated sex with him and that it was all my idea. Me, not really remembering anything, thought it was strange he would text me this first thing in the morning but went with it. After that I asked him a few more times about that night, exacty what happened, and he had very specific details of how I initiated the sex. It did not feel like me at all, however, I decided to forget and repress that memory. And then I felt shameful, embarassed, and therefore tried to replace that horrible night with something more positive by trying to woo him with my positive characteristics and basically feeling like I had to prove to him that I Was still a girl worth dating. I even tried to validate myself and take control back by offering him with more censual, sober sex. And he accepted every time, and I did feel like I was in control temporarily, however I felt confused and empty afterwards. I was SO crazy I remember writing him long texts explaining my feelings which he of course never took seriously. Basically, he has these texts with him and will likely use it against me saying that I was still "in love with him" after that incident.

Still rape and he is emotionally manipulative.

Thanks for all your replies. I am still confused. I want to add a little bit more:

 

the morning after that night, he actually texted me saying how I was being sexually aggressive and initiating things with him. Basically he told me that I was the one who initiated sex with him and that it was all my idea. Me, not really remembering anything, thought it was strange he would text me this first thing in the morning but went with it. After that I asked him a few more times about that night, exacty what happened, and he had very specific details of how I initiated the sex. It did not feel like me at all, however, I decided to forget and repress that memory. And then I felt shameful, embarassed, and therefore tried to replace that horrible night with something more positive by trying to woo him with my positive characteristics and basically feeling like I had to prove to him that I Was still a girl worth dating. I even tried to validate myself and take control back by offering him with more censual, sober sex. And he accepted every time, and I did feel like I was in control temporarily, however I felt confused and empty afterwards. I was SO crazy I remember writing him long texts explaining my feelings which he of course never took seriously. Basically, he has these texts with him and will likely use it against me saying that I was still "in love with him" after that incident.

Well, I don't think that this man would ever be convicted of raping you under the circumstances. Does the bar you were at have closed circuit security cameras in place. If they have you being helped out in a drunken state, then maybe.

I think you would do well to get yourself to your doctor and tell him/her what happened and see if he can refer you to a therapist to discuss all of this with. you're only going to get opinions here that will likely do nothing to help your state of mind. Talking about it without getting strategies to help you come to terms with it can only go so far.

Ok. Unfortunately for him it was hooking up, but you tried to build a relationship out of it. That would be very difficult to call rape. Keep in mind when you keep rewriting the script, it will be difficult to go forward, move on or get support.

I even tried to validate myself and take control back by offering him with more censual, sober sex. And he accepted every time, and I did feel like I was in control temporarily, however I felt confused and empty afterwards. I was SO crazy I remember writing him long texts explaining my feelings

I honestly don’t think I could live with the fact that I ruined someone’s life. Even if he did rape me.

I honestly don’t think I could live with the fact that I ruined someone’s life. Even if he did rape me.

You didn’t ruin their life they did that was their choice to commit a crime let’s understand that properly. Don’t take this on your shoulders he did something wrong not you.

I honestly don’t think I could live with the fact that I ruined someone’s life. Even if he did rape me.

My dear girl. Please go to your doctor and discuss this with him/her.

I honestly don’t think I could live with the fact that I ruined someone’s life. Even if he did rape me.

What makes you jump straight to that idea?