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Thread: Starting to resent my fiance of two years

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Unless you admit you're incompatible this will be difficult to navigate, because you are both right. You can be a drill sergeant with your cleanliness and household standards and she as well can be herself which is more relaxed, lazy and messy.

    Stop doing everything, then resenting her for not being like you. Get a housekeeper and get take out. The strife being created by differing lifestyles needs to be bridged and not just your way, the "right way". Stop and reflect why theses annoyances are getting to you this much.
    Originally Posted by Jillyanrose
    I can't take a messy house. And what am I suppose to do not make dinner ?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Make sure you're on the same page regarding equitable household duties otherwise this problem won't go away nor change after you get married. She'll still be a slob, neglect the home, the dog, chores, errands and continue to dump all household responsibilities onto you. Beware.

    Be with a person who is evenly yoked with you regarding your lifestyle and cooperation otherwise your resentment and bitterness will only grow and increase.

    If there's no coordinated effort in lock step as a team, relationships are doomed for failure.

    My husband and I prefer a neat, clean, orderly, organized household and life. There's no way we could be compatible if we were polar opposites regarding personality, character and personal lifestyle habits.

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    First of all, too many things are going on. You want simplicity, reduce technology at home, make eye-contacts. If a relationship is important for both you, make it work. You both need to talk, otherwise you'll both end up giving each other silent treatment which will only lead to more negative feelings. A relationship is about 4-years long in a life time, let those 4-years be a joy in life.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    am still expected to come home walk the dog, make dinner, clean, make sure the laundry is done (since we don't have a washer and dryer in our apartment).
    Who's expectations are these?

    Decide how you'd choose to live if you were on your own, and live that way. If that means neglecting her laundry and dropping anything of hers that's in your way while cleaning into an agreed 'retrieval box' in her closet, then do that.

    Coupledom doesn't require another to live up to our standards of clean. We can exercise our own pet if we decide to have one, even while thanking partner for taking the pet to relieve itself before we get home. We can negotiate certain things we want from partner by offering an equal exchange of something of value to her or him, but we can't 'expect' that they will operate as we would without creating our own resentment.

    Negotiation of equal value is the way successful couples operate. You can make it fun, and talk to partner about exchanging 'bribe lists' of items or behaviors we can use as incentive for getting back the things we value at any given time.

    Check your expectations--she is not you.


  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    If a tidy home is that important to you, and she resists contributing to it equally, it sounds as though there's a serious issue about compatibility here.

    This won't go away, and the resentment will continue to build. This is not a good basis for a relationship. It's very important to accept people just the way they are - by which I mean, recognise that that is the way they operate, not that you tolerate habits which are intolerable to you. She has been showing you for ages who she is and how she works. Can you accept that, and not want to change her in any way? It doesn't sound like it, and I don't blame you. But you also need to understand that she is not going to change.

    The decision you need to make is whether your feelings are strong enough to cope with her untidiness as part of the package, or whether you'll grow to resent her so badly that it destroys your feelings. Anger, especially unexpressed anger, will get in the way of love. If you were to live separately, would it help?

    I had a long term relationship where I realised early on that we could never live together because we'd live in a pigsty unless I constantly cleared up after him. After we'd split up, his place started to resemble the sort of pics you get if you Google 'filthy houses', which really confirmed that my decision was the right one. We were together for 8+ years - but not under the same roof.

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