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Norah30

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I was having a hard time in my relationship with partner i started doubting his feelings for me and then i rejected him(sexually) several times .anyway he wanted to discuss this ,he asked me if i do enjoy making love with him i said of course i do but sometimes i feel it’s just physical he said of course not it’s just the way i express my feelings (he is so touchy and has a high sex drive) anyway he insisted to know what i think and what i feel...and since i was really so mad at him i end up telling him: to be honest i feel like all we have is just a physical thing and nothing more ,he didn’t even say a word after that and left,he refused to talk to me since then until a member of my family died,i told him and he was there for me ,he was so supportive and compassionate making sure am fine ...few days after that he started giving me the cold shoulder , we don’t live together so if i don’t contact him he doesn’t and when i do he gives me short answers.... this made me really mad i couldn’t stand it so i just stopped contacting him .we used to have a beautiful and peaceful relationship and i know shouldn’t say what i said so i wanted to apologize,i texted him (can we talk when you are available) he didn’t answer.now am not sure what to think ; did i really hurt him to the point he refuses to talk to me or he doesn’t’ even care about me .to mention we were colleagues for a year during an internship i’ve had before , 3 months later we’ reconnected . now it’s been 8 months together

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.and since i was really so mad at him i end up telling him: to be honest i feel like all we have is just a physical thing and nothing more

 

I don't know the backstory, but I'm not sure how you can expect him to want to talk to you after this. You virtually closed the door on him.

 

What sort of problems were you two having prior to this last argument?

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His behavior becames so confusing, when we’re together everything’s perfect and smooth but once we’re apart he sometimes acts cold and distant, and other times he’s the most loving and caring partner in the world, If i text him for example he gives me short answer or doesn’t answer at all and when he does so i just leave him alone assuming he is busy or not in the right mood, 2 days later he calls and blames me for not contacting him or caring enough for him...that happened several times, or for example there’re times when he spend hours on the phone chatting with me and sending sweet good morning/night texts ...ect and other days he just disappear all day long and then act like nothing happened.his hot and cold emotions made me feel insecure at some point, and i tried to discuss this with him but he never wanted to talk about it .

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After 8 months together, I know I would like to speak to my partner at least once a day, and would expect he'd like to hear my voice once a day and ask me how my day went. You two don't match in what you expect in a relationship, and yes, in your shoes, his behavior would bother me. Someone who runs hot and cold doesn't make a good partner. I'd take the matter into my own hands and break it off, since he's far less than an ideal partner. You can only choose one lifetime partner, and your heart and head should match in that decision.

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I think your suspicions are right on point. It does appear that he is only a sex partner and nothing more. You want regular contact from him when you're apart-which is what a normal, healthy relationship entails. His inconsistency is what has you feeling like all he wants is sex, and I agree. After you expressed how you felt, nothing changed. He became distant and even more cold to you. That sounds like hes trying to manipulate you back in line- where he wants you- and by treating you coldly that you'll come back to him begging to remain a sex buddy.

 

He doesn't want to put in the "work" needed to make you feel differently. He wants the sex, but wont make any real effort. Calling you regularly, checking in, spending quality time with you outside of sex are things that he just doesnt want to do.

 

If you feel like you are being used just for sex, then you probably are. Women have the gift of intuition for a reason. He sees nothing wrong with the current situation and therefore, he wont change. And you deserve some measure of effort from a man that you give your body to. You are giving him the best part of you and that's how he behaves? Cut him off--never sleep with him again and let that be his loss. It's okay to desire more than what hes giving you. So move on from him and go get it!!

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he insisted to know what i think and what i feel...and since i was really so mad at him i end up telling him: to be honest i feel like all we have is just a physical thing and nothing more ,he didn’t even say a word after that and left... i wanted to apologize,i texted him (can we talk when you are available) he didn’t answer.now am not sure what to think ; did i really hurt him to the point he refuses to talk to me or he doesn’t’ even care about me

 

So he pushed you to tell him how you felt, you gave him an honest answer, he responded by leaving without another word and YOU want to apologise? This relationship sounds like it's all on his terms and you believe you need to do everything and anything to keep him. Your gut instinct told you he was only in it for the sex, his behaviour suggests he knows he's been called out on it, so don't allow yourself to be used any longer. His refusal to contact you and unwillingness to talk over the issue is manipulative and childish.

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8 months and yes we used go out on regular dates (cinema, meeting friends...) he used to reach out every day several times/day .he travels a lot to different countries (because of his work)and even though the time zone difference he used to contact me on a daily basis.

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Sorry to hear about this, Norah.

 

But to be honest, let's just say for a second that your boyfriend is telling the truth. That his way to express love is through physical touch. You telling him that you felt he was just in the relationship for the physical aspect, basically accused him of just using your body.

When that happened, you put down how he expresses love, you in a roundabout way called him a creep and only using you.

Of course he is going to feel very hurt now and this could well be the end of your relationship.

 

I say it could be the end, because he won't feel comfortable touching you again due to the accusations. And to be honest, it doesn't sound as though you enjoy it or are compatible with him in terms of being sexual.

 

What you said might have been how you truly felt (and there's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings), but it also could be what ends your relationship as it will be fairly difficult to recover from this now.

 

You and he are incompatible with it comes to sex, that really is the bottom line and unfortunately, will be what breaks you up.

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Just reading more of your replies though, if you truly feel that he is being cold to you, not being considerate of you and you feel like you're being used...don't ignore those feelings. Your gut is telling you that something is not right...listen to it.

 

You don't need to accept less than what you deserve or want, from anyone. If it doesn't feel right, then let it go.

Ending a relationship is difficult but survivable.

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Dating is to get to know someone. Dating 32 weeks is a good time to reflect on his unstable approach, blaming you for things, disappearing and being physical by not intimate. 8 mos. is not the time to see if you can fix or change him either through talking at him again and again, withholding sex, etc. These tactics won't work.

 

Is he in another relationship? Or still in contact with an ex or on/off gf? Clearly his disappearances mean he's not available and certainly not thinking of you. He seems checked out and only partially there at best. Ask yourself how much more time you are willing to waste on someone like this now that you have seen how he is.

If i text him for example he gives me short answer or doesn’t answer at all and when he does so i just leave him alone assuming he is busy or not in the right mood, 2 days later he calls and blames me for not contacting him
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I am a user of the physical language of love (in the main) and that's why i said what i said. If you said that to me i would feel very hurt and unwanted as sex would be my expression of showing my love to you solely and deeply. I would take it as you don't love me and want me to leave.

 

If he uses the one love language (physical) and you use a different one thats where the incompatibility kicks in, especially when theres no effort on either side to meet in the middle which is the answer to differing love languages. When one of you speaks your language the other makes no effort to understand it and just withdraws(him)/throws barbed comments(you). Until you accept that you are different people with different ways of communicating this will never work.

 

 

I think you need to accept this is probably done and for the future when things become strained dont bottle things up inside until you get so angry and throw out hurtful comments. Neither of you are bad people just poor at cross communicating.

 

 

Edit - just saw your last post, yeah don't try and "piss him off" or any future partner, TALK. This is the consequence.

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did i really hurt him to the point he refuses to talk to me
I'd say that he's smart enough to no longer be bothered with a chica that uses sex as a battering tool. Why, did you not just talk to him about your insecurities instead of cutting off sex to spite your own nose? Very childish if you ask me.

You've reached out to him and that's really all you can do. I'ts up to him if he want to take a chance on someone who reacts to something she has assumed before discussing.

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I see what went wrong. You don't know how to communicate properly with your partner...instead you S&*% tested him by with holding sex to see if he could figure it out....when he approached you, you accused him of not caring about you by saying you feel this relationship is only physical. Why you did things this way? Why did you have so much contempt for him? You have shown him such resentment without giving him a chance to rectify the issue you were having.

 

IMO this relaitonship has ran it's course. You two have different love languages, never bothered to really get to know one another so it fell apart. The incompatibility was there you two just never noticed it.

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8 months and yes we used go out on regular dates (cinema, meeting friends...) he used to reach out every day several times/day .he travels a lot to different countries (because of his work)and even though the time zone difference he used to contact me on a daily basis.

 

Have you considered that perhaps he was seeing other women? Had you ever had a talk about exclusivity?

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