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Thread: Well, isn't really much, but I wanna know what you guys think :)

  1. #1

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    Well, isn't really much, but I wanna know what you guys think :)

    So I've been dating this guy for a few months now.

    He's amazing, a good listener, thoughtful, caring and always tries his best to be there for me.

    He's very understanding too. We're both really introverted and try to be open with each other.

    But sometimes I feel like he acts too...unrealistic.
    His ideals seem very naive and I hate how childish he can be about our relationship at times.

    I mean, it's hella adorable that you think we're forever and till death do us part and stuff, but I'm the practical kind who doesn't want to indulge in such thoughts without any certainty.

    Am I overthinking it or is he a little too carried away with what we have here?

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by tbh
    But sometimes I feel like he acts too...unrealistic.
    His ideals seem very naive and I hate how childish he can be about our relationship at times.
    Can you give us some examples?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can you provide a bit more detail? Maybe start with your ages?

    Speaking generally, I think everyone is different when it comes to this stuff—meaning the stuff they need to say and hear to feel comfortable with someone, to keep surrendering to a connection in which they feel secure. Me, for instance? I have always—always—struggled with the lofty language, particularly when it comes early, because it just doesn't ring as "true" to my ears.

    Part of what I believe makes a connection so strong is the forever recognition that it is fragile, mysterious, that you never know exactly where it's heading. That is scary too, of course, but I need there to be room for that fear and uncertainty to be softly acknowledged—together—rather than using "together" as a shield to keep it at bay. Makes me feel more secure, because it makes me feel like I am building something with real bricks rather than the fantastical sort.

    But, again, everyone is different, and has a different way of expressing themselves, sharing excitement. These, perhaps, are just his. Do you express your own, in your way, back? That's kind of how two different languages become one, or at least how we discover if that's possible.

  4. #4

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    He's always going on about how we're going to be together all our lives, and is very specific about him being my priority (which he kinda is)
    For example, once, he got really upset when i said that i loved my best friend more than him and we fought about it. Later, when things had cooled off, he apologized and told me that he didn't like that I placed my friend above him and wanted to be "the only one".

    I was really irritated at how immature he was being.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Sounds like you two are miles apart on the issue of compatibility. He sounds like a big kid. How old are you both?

    Dating for two months is not nearly long enough to decide if someone is "forever."

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Part of what I believe makes a connection so strong is the forever recognition that it is fragile, mysterious, that you never know exactly where it's heading. That is scary too, of course, but I need there to be room for that fear and uncertainty to be softly acknowledged—together—rather than using "together" as a shield to keep it at bay. Makes me feel more secure, because it makes me feel like I am building something with real bricks rather than the fantastical sort.
    Exactly! I completely agree with your point of view.
    Sometimes, I feel like he's mostly just fantasizing about our future together. He sounds like he's in love with the idea of romance and I don't want him to get too carried away...

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Sounds like you two are miles apart on the issue of compatibility. He sounds like a big kid. How old are you both?
    We're both in our early twenties, and of the same age.
    He's pretty much a big kid, yep :))

  9. #8
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    Has he ever had a girlfriend before?

    He sounds very emotionally high-maintenance.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Is your best friend a man or a woman? Just curious. Also curious to know how something like that even comes up in conversation, meaning why you're both putting "love" in the context of ratings. Yes, his response is immature, but so is the whole framework in which it was expressed.

    His view on love does strike me as juvenile, transactional, a bit more fueled by insecurity than curiosity about another human (you). The "priority" business, for instance: that's a short skip from "possessiveness," which to my brain is almost the opposite of love, or at least the training wheels version. Call it the undergraduate school of You Complete Me, rather than the graduate studies of You Compliment Me.

    Early 20s, yeah? Weird time, that one. Some people are still very much in high school, emotionally speaking, while others have left the kiddie pool and are happily swimming out into the deep oceans of adulthood. Could be that you guys, in that respect, are in different places. So from him you get the very nice juju of being an object of obsession—a lovely thing, early on—but you don't quite get that deeper churn of being and feeling seen, heard, as a person independent of him, which is generally what makes for a longer journey. Classic dynamic, I dare say, at that stage of life.

    Per my earlier post: Do you talk to him about your feelings about all this?

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Has he ever had a girlfriend before?
    He has dated a couple of times or so before, but nothing serious.

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