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Thread: Well, isn't really much, but I wanna know what you guys think :)

  1. #71
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    We're in chicken or egg territory here.

    What I mean? The statement "I love my best friend more than I love you," is, yes, one that will carry a sting—the more secure the person, the lower the sting, but still. However, the statement would have never come up, best I can tell, if you weren't dating someone who mock-playfully asked you to rate your love for him vs your friend—a pretty inconsiderate statement in itself, since it puts you in a very awkward position. Never nice to ask people questions that you don't want an answer to.

    How big a deal is any of this? Time will tell. You seem to be turning the prism on the whole thing, learning some lessons, processing your own feelings. Could be that all this is highlighting some incompatibilities, some place where the basic fabric of who he is, and who you are, creates more snags than not. Happens. Could be that all this is just a little snag on the way to better communication, deeper feelings. Also happens.

    The kind of tact and discretion that Cherylyn is articulating well reminds me of what I said in an earlier post, about being cast in the role, in relationships, where I have to be the one to keep things level, feet on the ground—the one with tact counterbalance a more emotionally impulsive partner. At some point in my life I maybe liked playing that role, as it rewarded the very real part of me that is calm, rational. But the cost of admission for that reward was pricey, for me, since I also ended up being cast as the "distant" one, or the one who was "hard to read," assessments that don't jibe with who I believe myself to be, which is a warm, fuzzy, vulnerable dude.

    In my case, I realized I just needed to date people who were pretty dang secure so they could see me as a person with feelings rather than a source of fuzzy feelings to keep them happy. That's the stuff I need to open up and surrender, rather than feel worried that I'm a hiccup a way from throwing someone of balance or having to soothe them.

  2. #72

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    He will pull something like this again.
    I hope not :/

  3. #73

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    We're in chicken or egg territory here.

    What I mean? The statement "I love my best friend more than I love you," is, yes, one that will carry a sting—the more secure the person, the lower the sting, but still. However, the statement would have never come up, best I can tell, if you weren't dating someone who mock-playfully asked you to rate your love for him vs your friend—a pretty inconsiderate statement in itself, since it puts you in a very awkward position. Never nice to ask people questions that you don't want an answer to.

    How big a deal is any of this? Time will tell. You seem to be turning the prism on the whole thing, learning some lessons, processing your own feelings. Could be that all this is highlighting some incompatibilities, some place where the basic fabric of who he is, and who you are, creates more snags than not. Happens. Could be that all this is just a little snag on the way to better communication, deeper feelings. Also happens.
    pretty much
    let's just hope it's the latter :)

  4. #74
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, you repeatedly call your bf childish and immature and that's really all that needs to be said here. You do not respect him at all and since you do not respect him, this relationship doesn't have the proverbial snowball's chance in...... Please do both of you a favor and end this. You are obviously not a match.

    He may be immature, you might just be misinterpreting his enthusiasm. You were tactless in your statement even if it was honest about your friend. That shows your own brand of immaturity, btw. Bottom line though is that you and this guy mix like oil and water....not at all. So do both of you a favor and free yourself from this relationship. You are not compatible.

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  6. #75

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OP, you repeatedly call your bf childish and immature and that's really all that needs to be said here. You do not respect him at all
    Saying that he's immature doesn't mean that I don't respect him.
    And I never really claimed to be a very mature person myself. Yes, maybe I did require some tact there, but I'm not here to advocate how mature I am, so let's leave that...

    What led you to believe that I don't respect him?

  7. #76
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tbh
    Saying that he's immature doesn't mean that I don't respect him.
    And I never really claimed to be a very mature person myself. Yes, maybe I did require some tact there, but I'm not here to advocate how mature I am, so let's leave that...

    What led you to believe that I don't respect him?
    Exactly what I said - respect and seeing a person as childish do not go in the same sentence. Think on this long and hard without getting defensive. You cannot view a person as a child and say that you respect them. It's the definition of disrespect.

  8. #77
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Personally, I think he baited her. I would not expect a bf of two months to love me, and certainly not love me more than his bf.

    I respect your position, we simply see this differently.
    Yes, we agree to disagree.

    Even if you're baited, it doesn't mean you bite the bait by disrespecting a person with a hurtful, disrespectful comment. If you do, the conversation escalates into an argument which could've been avoided and prevented had the respondent chosen her words more wisely or keep your mouth shut. Better to say nothing than say something you'll regret later.

    This is why people need emotional intelligence (EQ), self-discipline, self-control, empathy, discretion and practice non-impulsive behavior.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 03-16-2020 at 06:01 PM.

  9. #78

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Exactly what I said - respect and seeing a person as childish do not go in the same sentence. Think on this long and hard without getting defensive. You cannot view a person as a child and say that you respect them. It's the definition of disrespect.

    When I refer to him as an immature person, I see it more as a trait- as something that's part of him.

    And I see him worthy of my respect, which if I didn't have for him, we would not be together in the first place.

  10. #79
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tbh
    When I refer to him as an immature person, I see it more as a trait- as something that's part of him.

    And I see him worthy of my respect, which if I didn't have for him, we would not be together in the first place.
    If he's worthy of your respect, treat him with respect by watching what you say. Think before you speak, write, etc. and you will be ok from now on. Always keep the peace by not irritating the other person. Always think of other people's reactions and outcome in advance. Guard your words wisely.

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