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Is bad drunk/high behavior a fair judge of character?


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I met a girl at school (12th grade highschool) who was very studious and seemed a little shy. She was really cute and I was really into her. I got to know her a lot, so I asked her out. unfortunately I got rejected, she said that she didnt want anything serious due to school (we graduate in a few months) so I understood, and moved on. Moving on at first was hard, but it all changed one night when I went to a small party.

 

It was one of my friends parties, ~25 people, lights on, nothing crazy. She was there, but didnt talk to me or even greet me. About halfway through the party I was pretty drunk and was sitting on a couch next to one of my friends. She walked over, and straddles my friend beside me mid conversation. She was clearly drunk/high, she started saying that she wants to have sex with him, and talked about the last time they had sex. This made me feel disgusted, and made moving on way easier. How is it that the most innocent looking girls can act like this while drunk/high? Is it unfair of me to pity her, and to completely ignore and avoid her? After that happened she stared at me in all my classes, sometimes for 5-6 seconds (not exaggerating) while I totally ignore her.

 

I am asking this to help me learn how to be aware of this in the future. Is it normal for girls my age (18) to act like this? Is alcohol/drugs an excuse ? Or is it fair to say that this is unusual behavior and that she is evil. If so, what are some signs I can look for so I dont fall for people like this who just leave me disappointed.

 

I notice this in a lot of girls my age, and it seriously makes me question having children in the future.

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To be honest I feel like you're just feeling bitter and annoyed towards that girl because she rejected you. Yes in my experience getting drunk (not necessarily high but that too) is normal for teenagers. If she's 18 then that's even the legal age of drinking and buying cigarettes in a lot of countries. Here in Australia you are a fully legal adult at 18. You can legally smoke, drink, vote, have sex, you name it.

 

Really it's not your place to care who that girl is having sex with or what she's doing at the party. You never even dated and it's not really any of your business if she's having sex with another guy. She's an adult at 18 so she can do whatever she wants and it's not your concern. Sounds like all this is coming from the fact that she rejected you. Not being interested in you romantically doesn't make someone evil.

 

If you're against drinking, getting high and sex then that's your choice. But most people are fine at least with sex and drinking and it doesn't make someone bad. Besides, this is at a party. I sometimes get drunk and very occasionally high at parties. But I never get high outside of that. So it's also the kind of environment where people do those things. It's very normal for young people to try to have a good time at parties. If you don't like it then don't go to parties. Besides, you were really drunk yourself so it's not like you were a saint...

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She sounds immature and so are you. Boys can act equally "badly", yet I don't see you complaining about their "innocence". You were drunk too and your friend has had sex with her, yet she is the only one to get criticized for absence of "innocence"? Double standards much?

 

Basically, you are feeling hurt that she liked your friend over you. Yet, that doesn't make her evil. Getting drunk in a party is not unusual. However, it can get dangerous if done to the point of losing control. Getting high like that sounds dangerous too plus it is illegal. If your value system is different then you should indeed avoid people who choose to be dumb like that. Disclosing her sex life in public was also dumb but alcohol abuse combined with immaturity do lead to dumb behavior for girls and boys alike.

 

Yes, her behavior doesn't sound very bright at this point in her life, so you are probably not missing out on someone special. The same would apply if it had been a guy behaving like that. You need to get off your high horse. Branding people as "evil" because they don't behave to your liking and standards is immature and if taken to extremes it can lead you to sexism, racism and all kinds of other evil ####-isms. Life is not black and white and most behaviors lie on a spectrum. Most people also evolve as they grow up.

 

She is not evil. She is just immature, same as you, and not into you which you now know so you can move on. In a way, what happened was good because you can now stop wasting your time crushing on someone who is not into you nor right for you. You got your answer and that's good. Time to get to know new girls and learn to be more lenient with people.

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She wasn’t interested in you, rejected you which she is entitled to do for her own reasons. Whether the reason she gave you was true or not. It is irrelevant. It’s not personal to you.

What is relevant is that you have judged her for getting drunk , but so were you.

 

The only learning experience you should want to gain from this has nothing to do with her and all to do with you.

Why are you taking rejection so personally and magnified? It’s not even about you!?

 

And why pretend you got over her rejection when you clearly didn’t? So much so that you needed to post about the first social encounter since then?

 

You don’t need to learn anything about others , you need to learn about yourself. Reasonable expectations and understand that rejection is much more frequent than acceptance and that’s ok !

 

When you reject someone , they will be ok too! That’s life!

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OP, she isn't evil. That is a real stretch, but I know it's coming from a place of hurt.

 

She's immature and lacks boundaries while under influence. If memory serves, many people around that age are similar when they've had one too many. Girls and guys, with the latter often engaging in equally risky or even dangerous behaviour. I can't tell you how many times I saw young kids do crazy things you'd never imagine them doing when they were in their right mind. Is it wise? Well, no, of course not. Is it unusual? Not by a long shot.

 

To leap from this one incident and some immature drunken behavior to question having children is also a complete overreaction on your part, which emphasizes your own lack of maturity as well. You're not yet able to untangle logic from emotion, and zoom out to see the bigger picture. You will, as you get older and have more experiences under your own belt too.

 

For now, maybe limit how much you go to parties. It's perfectly okay if you don't like drinking or taking drugs, but it might be better for you not to be around people who are using because it's evidently a significant emotional trigger for you. You don't need to create undue stress for yourself.

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If you hadn't have gone to that party you would likely still think her cute and innocent. A high percentage of young people will go to parties and get drunk, have sex etc. They will do all sorts of other things that people tend to grow out of as they mature and find other priorities in life. It doesn't make them evil and whenever you meet someone you can't know that they have not done these things. If you aren't happy with the antics of partying girls then don't go to parties and judge their behaviour. Some girls aren't into partying and you might be better matched (although if they apply the same standard to you that you have applied to that girl then you'll be deemed evil too).

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If you hadn't have gone to that party you would likely still think her cute and innocent. A high percentage of young people will go to parties and get drunk, have sex etc. They will do all sorts of other things that people tend to grow out of as they mature and find other priorities in life. It doesn't make them evil and whenever you meet someone you can't know that they have not done these things. If you aren't happy with the antics of partying girls then don't go to parties and judge their behaviour. Some girls aren't into partying and you might be better matched (although if they apply the same standard to you that you have applied to that girl then you'll be deemed evil too).

 

Also I'm not sure if anyone has missed this, but OP has said this: "About halfway through the party I was pretty drunk and was sitting on a couch next to one of my friends." So HE was pretty drunk! That doesn't really give him the right to judge the behaviour of someone who's also drunk. Also I don't even see what the girl did wrong or displayed bad character. She just sat on the lap of a guy she's hooking up with, who is OP's friend. They both mentioned they've had sex before, so obviously the guy was acting consensual about it. From that perspective she did nothing wrong or acted inappropriate because she's having sex with this guy. She's a single girl who is a legal adult and she's allowed to have sex with whoever she wants. OK, so maybe she's not shy and innocent like OP thought she was, but she doesn't have to be what he wants her to be. She's her own person and she can do as she likes.

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You have a right to your opinion and if you lose respect because she acted like a drunken ass, that's fine. Why not date girls who you get to know, like and respect?

She walked over, and straddles my friend beside me mid conversation. She was clearly drunk/high, she started saying that she wants to have sex with him, and talked about the last time they had sex. This made me feel disgusted, and made moving on way easier. .
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Dude don't ever let this incident reflect what all women are like or going to be like this as a whole for the rest of your life. TBH high school parties, college parties are going to be like this because it's just a right of passage. It's good that they are exploring their sexuality, their independence and figuring out life. It's what kids like yourself do at this age. What you should take away from this is that, at 18 no one is mature enough to have a committed relationship that leads to marriage and children a few years down the road. You, her, your friend, classmates need to go sow your wild oats. Enjoy your youth. By the age of 25, everyone has stopped developing mentally and will have put all those wild days behind them as they focus on their future. Priorities change, people grow up.

My perspective: she doesn't want a BF or date anyone and she was very honest about that. I think she pulled that stunt to make sure you forgot about you. Why she is looking at you? Probably she can tell you have so much contempt for her that she is wondering why. Go ahead on be turned off by her, you dodged a bullet, but don't let this get under your skin. You shouldn't even have a second thought about her, and just move on.

How to manage this in the furture? That's what dating is all anbout. You go out on dates, hangout, party, and see how they treat you, behave, and get to know them. If there are things you don't like, you simply stop seeing them, move onto the next. That is the process of finding your future wife. And along the way learn things about yourself. Is it going to suck? Oh sure there will be times like that, but it's not the end of the world for %^&*# sakes. It is what it is. Just enjoy the journey.....be happy, love yourself, and life.

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You have a right to your opinion and if you lose respect because she acted like a drunken ass, that's fine. Why not date girls who you get to know, like and respect?

 

 

 

 

This is exactly it. I am not the party animal type at all, that night I was out drinking with my guy friends, which I rarely do because I fitness goals for myself and dont like getting drunk often (I go out with just guy friends once a month MAX) and we went to one of my other friends houses who was having the small party. I dont do drugs at all, which is why I lose respect for people who get drunk and high to this extreme. I've tried multiple times with girls I've taken interest in, and so far every time it has been this same story, where the girl doesnt come off as the party type but in reality IS. I have a feeling that it is going to take a long time for me to find someone who has similar opinions as me due to my age, and im better off focusing on my future rather than girls.

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Casually talk about "partying" on get-to-know-you dates before you get involved.

I've tried multiple times with girls I've taken interest in, and so far every time it has been this same story, where the girl doesnt come off as the party type but in reality IS.
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I met a girl at school (12th grade highschool) who was very studious and seemed a little shy. She was really cute and I was really into her. I got to know her a lot, so I asked her out. unfortunately I got rejected, she said that she didnt want anything serious due to school (we graduate in a few months) so I understood, and moved on. Moving on at first was hard, but it all changed one night when I went to a small party.

 

It was one of my friends parties, ~25 people, lights on, nothing crazy. She was there, but didnt talk to me or even greet me. About halfway through the party I was pretty drunk and was sitting on a couch next to one of my friends. She walked over, and straddles my friend beside me mid conversation. She was clearly drunk/high, she started saying that she wants to have sex with him, and talked about the last time they had sex. This made me feel disgusted, and made moving on way easier. How is it that the most innocent looking girls can act like this while drunk/high? Is it unfair of me to pity her, and to completely ignore and avoid her? After that happened she stared at me in all my classes, sometimes for 5-6 seconds (not exaggerating) while I totally ignore her.

 

I am asking this to help me learn how to be aware of this in the future. Is it normal for girls my age (18) to act like this? Is alcohol/drugs an excuse ? Or is it fair to say that this is unusual behavior and that she is evil. If so, what are some signs I can look for so I dont fall for people like this who just leave me disappointed.

 

I notice this in a lot of girls my age, and it seriously makes me question having children in the future.

 

Why the double standard, didn't you say that you were also drunk? You do not have a right to judge.

 

Not very classy for her to straddle your friend and suggest sex in front of others, though.

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Why the double standard, didn't you say that you were also drunk? You do not have a right to judge.

 

I have failed to provide enough detail, so my story does appear to be a double standard.

 

I am religious, so I dont do drugs at all and only drink on special occasions (once a month max, it was for a friends bday)

I dont hook up, also due to my belief system with my religion. I believe sex should be special, so I see hooking up as wrong in my opinion.( I also have all female siblings and cousins, and could never 'use' a girl for sex or I would feel morally wrong)

I was drunk, but i have never gotten drunk past control. I remember everything, I was probably under the limit to drive.

 

the girl on the other hand showed that she disagrees with pretty much everything I said above. She couldnt walk straight, could barely talk and reeked of weed. The guy she was hooking up with is a friend of mine, and I know that he dropped out of highschool and is a drug dealer. this shows where her values lie.

 

My main question was asking if this type of behavior while drunk reflects the sober persons thoughts and values, and I have concluded that it DOES. Which tells me I have to be more cautious and not create a false fantasy of someone.

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I have failed to provide enough detail, so my story does appear to be a double standard.

 

I am religious, so I dont do drugs at all and only drink on special occasions (once a month max, it was for a friends bday)

I dont hook up, also due to my belief system with my religion. I believe sex should be special, so I see hooking up as wrong in my opinion.( I also have all female siblings and cousins, and could never 'use' a girl for sex or I would feel morally wrong)

I was drunk, but i have never gotten drunk past control. I remember everything, I was probably under the limit to drive.

 

the girl on the other hand showed that she disagrees with pretty much everything I said above. She couldnt walk straight, could barely talk and reeked of weed. The guy she was hooking up with is a friend of mine, and I know that he dropped out of highschool and is a drug dealer. this shows where her values lie.

 

My main question was asking if this type of behavior while drunk reflects the sober persons thoughts and values, and I have concluded that it DOES. Which tells me I have to be more cautious and not create a false fantasy of someone.

 

Under the limit would be only one drink.

 

I do not think that you two are on the same page. She is definitely not the girl for you. I think that you should also remember as a godly person that you are not supposed to judge others. Just accept who she is, and move on.

 

Why are you friends with a drug dealer?

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Under the limit would be only one drink.

 

I do not think that you two are on the same page. She is definitely not the girl for you. I think that you should also remember as a godly person that you are not supposed to judge others. Just accept who she is, and move on.

 

Why are you friends with a drug dealer?

 

I would agree, I think you are right. You are also right about judging, I try not treat people differently if they do things I dont agree with. If she were to walk up to me and ask me a question about schoolwork or something I would be totally normal like nothing happened. Which is also the reason I am friends with a drug dealer. I can still be friends with people like this, but I know that they will have no real relevance in my life after highschool because I dont agree with them.

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Personally, I would not be friends with someone who brings destruction to my community. You can be pleasant, but to go as far as being friends with someone like this is highly questionable. Don't you want to share your life with people who share the same values?

 

Start making better choices in friends!

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Op: You have some personal boundaries and morals in place that suit you just fine and which will help you to find a girl that you are compatible with because you'll have the tools in place to know what is and what isn't a deal breaker for you. That's a good thing.

Now, it's up to you to adhere to those boundaries and to no worry so much about "ALL" girls. We aren't all sloppy drunks, just move on until you find someone that just gets a drunk as you... or are also friends with some kind of drug dealer. O.o Sympatico is the goal.

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I have failed to provide enough detail, so my story does appear to be a double standard.

 

I am religious, so I dont do drugs at all and only drink on special occasions (once a month max, it was for a friends bday)

I dont hook up, also due to my belief system with my religion. I believe sex should be special, so I see hooking up as wrong in my opinion.( I also have all female siblings and cousins, and could never 'use' a girl for sex or I would feel morally wrong)

I was drunk, but i have never gotten drunk past control. I remember everything, I was probably under the limit to drive.

 

the girl on the other hand showed that she disagrees with pretty much everything I said above. She couldnt walk straight, could barely talk and reeked of weed. The guy she was hooking up with is a friend of mine, and I know that he dropped out of highschool and is a drug dealer. this shows where her values lie.

 

My main question was asking if this type of behavior while drunk reflects the sober persons thoughts and values, and I have concluded that it DOES. Which tells me I have to be more cautious and not create a false fantasy of someone.

 

Admitting this high school dropout drug dealing guy that is a friend of yours speaks to us you are full of it. You are the company you keep, and you need to practice what you preach. If you are going to put down this girl because she has different ideas about life, then why are you not instilling the same attitude towards this friend of yours...yes that's a double standard. And if you are drunk, you are never below the limit to drive, so I don't know what to believe what you post anymore because you are now lacking integrity with us.

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OP, it's a little hard to throw stones at this girl when you keep a drug dealer as a "friend." It's hardly relevant that you plan to drop this guy after high school. He is your friend now, much as this girl was drunk at that particular moment. If you use occasional poor behavior at parties as a wider reflection on someone's real character, don't be too shocked when people look down on you for keeping the company of a drug dealer in your most sober moments.

 

You operate on a different set of principles than what you claim to stand for, dude.

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The good news is after high school you can attend a faith based college and be around more like minded people. You can also request drug, smoke, alcohol,etc free dorms/roommates. But right now you can start doing more for your place of worship. You are going to have to learn to live peacefully in the world around you with all sorts of people in it.

 

Volunteer more, attend more faith based activities. Tutor, become a camp counselor, etc. Also get more involved in sports, study groups etc and stop hanging out with people who you are incompatible with. Learn to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

 

You can be who you are and be with like-minded people. It's better than going places and looking down at those who don't share your values. Try not to be a hypocrite or have a holier-than-thou stance. It's up to you, approaching young adulthood, to start making changes in your life.

I

I am religious, so I dont do drugs at all and only drink on special occasions. I dont hook up, also due to my belief system with my religion.

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Friend is a vague term, it can mean different things to different people. I have a part time job at the same location as him, and we both workout. We talk sometimes about working out at work, but nothing else. Hes not going to university, and I've never hung out with him ever. I think 'friend' may give off the wrong connotation, This guy just happened to be at the party and he just happened to sit beside me so we started briefly talking; but I know him a little from outside of school(work, gym).

 

However, even my close friends all do drugs and drink often, almost EVERY normal person grade does (200 students in 12th grade at my school). I have some friends that dont, but Im not close with them. I always make it clear that I dont do this kinda stuff, and I never get pressured to try anything.

 

Just because all my friends do drugs and hook up for fun, it doesnt make me a bad person for just being around them.

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However, even my close friends all do drugs and drink often, almost EVERY normal person grade does (200 students in 12th grade at my school). I have some friends that dont, but Im not close with them. I always make it clear that I dont do this kinda stuff, and I never get pressured to try anything..

 

You're talking out both sides of your mouth, even if you don't realize it. You describe these people as "normal" and yet judge her for doing what you describe these "normal" people doing.

 

I think you're more upset that she has sex with someone you know, rather than her not abstaining from booze and marijuana. I don't doubt that the drunk and high display was a turn-off for you, but I am also not convinced that is what really bothers you about this incident. Instead, I believe it's that she turned you down but was all over your dropout, drug-dealing buddy.

 

I get that it sucks to feel rejected, especially in favour of someone who appears to have little going to for him, but I would caution you against making sweeping generalizations about all girls or assuming she is "evil", as you put it. It's an over-reaction and completely self-defeating.

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You are not involved in the right things if you tell yourself All people do drugs have casual sex and get drunk. It seems you are very conflicted or very rebellious. There are plenty of ways to steer clear of the people who do this. Why not develop the courage to get involved in your faith and do more with that? Why aren't you involved in more elevated activities with your church or after school etc?

even my close friends all do drugs and drink often, almost EVERY normal person grade does (200 students in 12th grade at my school).
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