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Thread: I feel like I've pulled the lever on the sh!+ show

  1. #1
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    I feel like I've pulled the lever on the sh!+ show

    Good morning. So many thoughts today, just thought I'd rant, so either turn away now or allow me to thank you for your indulgence, lol. I ended a two year relationship about 2 & 1/2 months ago and I feel like since that happened there has been a chain of unfortunate events that just keep hitting me.

    First one was my job cut my hours the week following the breakup. I was still very fresh from the split and my emotions were running high. Just to be called into the HR office to be told they were streamlining because of some big accounts that were recently lost or put on hold and as a result they would be reducing my hours. It could have been worse. Two people were laid off (but two more have since been hired back on) and the hours I lost were all overtime, so I'm still a full time employee with benefits, so that's a plus.

    Then about two and a half weeks ago my mother fell and broke her hip. I've been visiting her twice a day everyday and seemed to be doing okay until a couple days ago when she started developing severe breathing difficulties. She is still in a skilled nursing facility and the initial prognosis was that she'd be there 3 to 4 weeks. She's 83 and her breathing problems are chronic and she has struggled with them for many years now. But since she's been unable to get out of bed I think it is exacerbating her problem.

    The SNF is going to call me today with a status on her condition and what the current prognosis is. She also has an infection on her breast that they wanted to treat and she has refused treatment. She is also refusing treatment for her breathing difficulty. I think her unwillingness to accept treatment is going to cause her to be released from the SNF, which would be very unfortunate. I'm going to try and talk some sense into her on my visit today after I finish the phone call with her case worker.

    I also had a cruise that I booked almost a year ago on the Seine river going from Paris to Normandy. That's obviously called off now. But the cruise line is refunding my money I found out today, so that's a silver lining, I suppose.

    Which brings me to all this coronavirus crap that's got everyone running around like scared little monkeys. I understand why people are reacting this way, but I don't think it's the correct reaction. Yes, it's a time for vigilance and caution. But not one for fear and worry and the reaction of the general public seems to be the latter as evidenced by the store shelves in my neighborhood.

    I mean, life is a zero sum game. You're born, you live, you die. Everyone gets the same exact deal, no exceptions. The only thing that actually matters is what you do while you're still breathing and then once that ends not even that matters anymore. History is full of literally billions of people that no one knows ever existed. But our egos tell us that somehow our individual lives are more important than everyone else who's been here before us as well as all of those who will be here after us and that we don't deserve to die. Well, deserve it or not, you're going to. So be happy and spread love while you have the chance, because that's all there really is to life. That or misery and despair. Your choice.

    I guess it's a bit easier for me to have this fleet footed view of the big picture in life because I have really no worldly attachments. They've simply never interested me. I have no kids, no debt and at the moment no significant other. So if I disappear, no one's going to be the worse for it. Except for maybe myself and I'll get over it, lol.

    So. Alrighty then. I guess that just about spills it all. If you've read this far you're a trooper, I appreciate your tenacity as well as your interest and as Bartles (or was it Jaymes?) used to say, I thank you for your support.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Thanks for posting this. I hope things turn out well on all fronts for you. What you expressed about feeling like the world is going crazy around you and of course it all converges is sometimes how many feel but you've articulated this so well. The stores here look like someone announced a meteor is about to hit Earth.

    It feels like this: ⛅ That cloud just hangs there. For me days like this are usually topped off with some bad weather, a car issue, internet issue and someone being randomly rude in a store. I guess if my phone fell in the toilet on those days that would be the cherry on the cake.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Perhaps your mom has the same fatalistic attitude - you are born, you live, you die and the latter is inevitable. So she'd rather live as she chooses than be tied to tubes to extend every moment of existence? Her idea of quality over quantity? Food for thought.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Perhaps your mom has the same fatalistic attitude - you are born, you live, you die and the latter is inevitable. So she'd rather live as she chooses than be tied to tubes to extend every moment of existence? Her idea of quality over quantity? Food for thought.
    You say fatalistic, I say realistic. We've all got our viewpoints, none are more valid than the other. As to my mother's viewpoint, who knows? Her choices are her own and I can't read her mind. It's her life to do with as she sees fit. But I do have to deal with whatever events will unfold.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Feeling you, friend.

    Subtract coronavirus from the above, and you are in one of those unfortunate moments that life has a way of delivering, when one sour domino leads to a little click, click, click of more falling. All I've got to say to the specifics is: hugs, fist bumps. Yeah, you are just one speck of billions of human dust particles that have called this world home over space and time, but you are a singular speck, which is to say everything you're going through, and feeling, is important. And hard. And human. Hang in there.

    As for corona? It is...well, it is a bit tough to process, I agree. My lady and I stocked up on some basics a week or so back in a non-alarmist state. Went to the grocery store yesterday for yogurt and could hardly navigate the crowds—a good portion of which, best I could tell, were people wanting to update their social media feeds with photos of empty shelves more than they wanted, I don't know, the rigatoni that no longer existed.

    Strange. But so it goes. Fear and panic are deep comforts for a large subset of humans, is how I see it: it's the place they go, mentally, to feel secure. Not quite how I operate, but, then again, I opted to spend a few hours yesterday in the Pacific Ocean in the rain, which plenty would see as a dubious choice. Whatever you need to get through the day, as the saying goes.

    Still not sure why no one went for the pappardelle, though, as it's a great noodle. So that's what we're cooking tonight, with a few extra bags for the top shelves—because, hey, who really knows anything?

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Thanks for posting this. I hope things turn out well on all fronts for you. What you expressed about feeling like the world is going crazy around you and of course it all converges is sometimes how many feel but you've articulated this so well. The stores here look like someone announced a meteor is about to hit Earth.

    It feels like this: ⛅ That cloud just hangs there. For me days like this are usually topped off with some bad weather, a car issue, internet issue and someone being randomly rude in a store. I guess if my phone fell in the toilet on those days that would be the cherry on the cake.
    Lol. Yes, it could always get worse and I can't forget to count my blessings. But it has rained here both yesterday and today, lol.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Feeling you, friend.

    Subtract coronavirus from the above, and you are in one of those unfortunate moments that life has a way of delivering, when one sour domino leads to a little click, click, click of more falling. All I've got to say to the specifics is: hugs, fist bumps. Yeah, you are just one speck of billions of human dust particles that have called this world home over space and time, but you are a singular speck, which is to say everything you're going through, and feeling, is important. And hard. And human. Hang in there.

    As for corona? It is...well, it is a bit tough to process, I agree. My lady and I stocked up on some basics a week or so back in a non-alarmist state. Went to the grocery store yesterday for yogurt and could hardly navigate the crowds—a good portion of which, best I could tell, were people wanting to update their social media feeds with photos of empty shelves more than they wanted, I don't know, the rigatoni that no longer existed.

    Strange. But so it goes. Fear and panic are deep comforts for a large subset of humans, is how I see it: it's the place they go, mentally, to feel secure. Not quite how I operate, but, then again, I opted to spend a few hours yesterday in the Pacific Ocean in the rain, which plenty would see as a dubious choice. Whatever you need to get through the day, as the saying goes.

    Still not sure why no one went for the pappardelle, though, as it's a great noodle. So that's what we're cooking tonight, with a few extra bags for the top shelves—because, hey, who really knows anything?
    Life is full of beauty and love. It's up to us to soak it in. Or not. I for one will always choose the former.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    its funny Jul-els, reading your post, I can relate. A while back, I feeling very much the same.. you live, you poop, you die... what difference does it make. And like you, I don't think I was being cynical about it. Just "keeping it real" as the kids say. Actually I'm not sure the kids today still say that.

    But that was right about the time I started a spiritual awakening, that seemingly just happened, as a result of my need to find a way to control my thoughts during, an equally tough time, as you describe.

    Except for the corona virus....

    That. wow. I'm not sure what's gonna happen but arent the doomsday people feeling pretty smug right now. I did not make a run on the store, but as blue said, who knows... so I did get a few extra staples for the freezer... just in case.

    Anyway, know, I would not change what I went through. learning and practicing meditation started me on a path I would not have found otherwise. And I am all the better for it... I'm a totally different person than I was.

    I know you were just venting, but I wanted to share & i think this is all a very good sign, things are looking up!

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    I’m sorry about your mom. I’ve noticed the older our parents get the more stubborn but maybe it’s because why be in a hospital bed when you can enjoy life while you still have it.

    As for Corona I feel like there’s too much hype over it. People really need to calm down! How many bags of toilet paper do you need?!

    I really like how you mention not one life is more important then the others. That statement is very true.

    You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.

    Love will find you again.

    Sending many thoughts to you and your mom during her recovery.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Early 2019 was like that for me. I really felt pushed to my limit. It was the only time in my life that I seriously considered checking myself into some sort of retreat. You know those ones you see in the magazines, yoga, meditation and such. I was feeling a little desperate.

    Life is just weird that way. One thing I know for sure, it forces you to appreciate things when the storm passes.
    Life is very valuable. Never so much as it is now in my life. Then we just wait for the next wave to come and learn from experience that we have what it takes.

    When my mother was being `non compliant' she would say, `I've lived a good life' while laying in the rehab center. We had long talks and she'd list all the friends and family that had already passed. I tried to see it from her point of view. She just didn't have it in her to fight. She'd flip back and forth with being resigned with everything, to being afraid and regretful. Uhhgg. It was the hardest thing to witness and be a part of.

    I'm one of 2 people in a satellite office today who drew the short straw to come in. Not really, just sounds better that way. I am in Operations and the other IT, so it would be somewhat expected. There's maybe 7 people holding down corporate office and with little or no notice we spent the entire day yesterday gearing up a staff of 200 to work from home . I figured it would be sh*t show today, but there are few bumps here and there and the staff seems to be managing nicely. IT Jacquie and I ordering in lunch, on the company's dime :)

    This will pass. It always does. I know that's not much comfort right now . .but it you need to vent. . we are here to listen

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