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Thread: Need advice and a different perspective

  1. #11
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    Bottom line is he DID want to do anything he wants whenever he wants, such as keep seeing his ex or sleeping with hookers. And you were in the way of that, so he dumped you. From everything you said, he was not 100% invested in your relationship and he was still doing God knows what with his ex. And yeah, being friends with a guy who cheats on his fiance numerous times is also a red flag. Don't blame yourself for any of this because you did nothing wrong.

  2. #12
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    I tend to agree with the above. This guy is too immature to have a proper relationship, because that means being honest and maybe sometimes acting like an adult. If he's at a party and people are sleeping with the strippers, that's the time to go, regardless of how 'lame' your friends may think you're being.

  3. #13
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    Hey everyone!

    Thank you so much for all of your responses. I've gone through every single one of them and you guys have definitely kickstarted this healing process. There are many things that happened during the relationship that simply didn't make sense to me and I found myself questioning if I was crazy, haha. But I know that I was being subtly manipulated and gaslighted. I do believe my ex does have some narcissistic tendencies. I am not a mental health professional, so I can't say if he is a full-blown narcissist, but upon researching a bit I found that there is a similar pattern to these types of relationships - idealization, devalue and discard. He also seemed very charismatic, successful, and thriving professionally - as I got to know him, I discovered there was some sort of emptiness in him.

    Throughout my life, I have had very emotional bonds with other people. They usually come to me for help, empathy, and understanding - and I absolutely cherish this. At the start of the relationship, he said he loved this about me and how I was such a good listener to him. Then, in the end, he said he 'hated' our dynamic and didn't feel connected to me, that he couldn't 'tell me the truth because he didn't trust me with it, and couldn't be his authentic self'. I felt slighted about this and turned to my friends and my sister to ask them if they felt they could trust me, to which they said "hell yeah! Don't listen to him"


    His ex and other women were always in the loop and I did raise my concerns about this and I asked him how'd he feel if he was in my shoes. He said he'd feel bad about it but he'd still trust me. He kept saying that his 'ex was crazy and felt bad for her'. I always try to notice how people treat others, as this is an indication of their character, and it didn't seem right that he'd describe her this way. I believed him, but now that I think about it, he subtly manipulated me into trusting him and I apologized. Geez.


    He was selfish. Most of our conversations were about him. His projects, his ideas, his future, his jobs. He would go on and on talking about himself, then he would ask how my day went or what I thought about what he talked about for 20-30 minutes straight. This happened 80% of the time. I'm very proud of everything I have accomplished in my life, but I started feeling as if it was not good enough because he didn't take any interest.

    There was a time when I finished up my thesis presentation and he didn't congratulate me. I told him this was very important to me, but he said "I thought I had to congratulate you until your graduation. Graduations are more important" completely disregarding my feelings and efforts and undermining my achievements.


    Also, there were long periods of time where there was no intimacy and I communicated that this was very important to me. He said that it took about 2 hours to be intimate and he just didn't have the time. I accommodated once more. There was a time when we were watching a TV series and he started picking up his stuff and said his 2 hours were up and had to leave. What the heck? We also only hung out with his friends, at his convenience. He never even tried to meet mine.


    I am very close to my family and try to visit them at least once a month since I live 4 hours away from them. I tried to balance my time with my family and him, in order not to affect our relationship. I told him that it'd be nice if he visited my hometown to meet my dad (he had already met my mom and siblings). He said he was 'too busy'. I understood, but he never accommodated to meet him in the future. I didn't meet his parents and he said that meeting family was not important to him - what was most important is the emotional bond you have with your partner. I do believe this was some sort of manipulation because I tried seeing him more often and felt rather guilty when I visited my family. I finally met his mom before the relationship ended. He also mentioned his dad was a very troubled narcissist. Hmm.

    The relationship officially ended 3 weeks ago, but he still tried to keep contact - until I finally blocked him on Friday. I found out yesterday he's started going on dates with someone new around 1 week ago. I laughed because I did have a feeling this was going to end this way - him looking for someone new to fuel him. What's funny to me is how he tried to keep me on the loop as he started dating this new lady - some type of triangulation, as he did with me. I honestly don't even feel bad about the whole situation as I know he is simply repeating patterns and not learning from his past experiences. Anyways, he's someone else's problem now, finally!


    Sorry for the rant, I'm finally realizing all the emotional turmoil I went through. I'm just SO very thankful this is over and I can get back to reconnecting with my awesome self. I still don't know what the heck happened to me when I accepted this type of behaviour from ANYONE. I'm currently listening to Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive, so I know I will be better than ever in no time! Yay!

    Thank you so much everyone, you are all heaven-sent.
    Last edited by chicadeagua; 03-15-2020 at 12:46 PM.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    Bottom line here, best I can tell, is that right from the start your gut was screaming at you that, for all his positive qualities, he is a shady guy who is not prepared for the sort of sustained, committed, future-moving romance that you want. As time went on, those gut instincts were confirmed, repeatedly: stuff with exes, with other women, with job instability. Those are not things to try to "support," or to grit through as if they're some endurance test. No, they are things to gauge whether someone has sorted them out on their own, before meeting you, so your relationship is not built around some idea that once you help someone sort out their baggage then you can actually enjoy the kind of relationship you want.
    Wow, thank you so much for this. My gut was definitely screaming at me. Something was off since the start, but we sometimes do not trust our gut - especially when we're still in the infatuation period. Time and time again he proved to me that he is not the right man for me. I will definitely take all my love, self-respect, and dignity to heal from this one.


    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    The contact with an ex? People have different views on this stuff, but all in all? I think what's important there—what you wanted and didn't get—is that he didn't really hear your concerns or try to understand them, but instead put you in the position of having to understand him. Um, no. Hence the guilt you feel now: at not being able to be just a bit more understanding, a bit more accommodating. That's just exhaust fumes from a toxic dynamic, from a relationship that existed only as long as it did because of your own efforts to understand and accommodate a man who did not try to understand or accommodate you in return.
    I have never been the jealous or controlling type, but once the ex and other women came in the picture and never left, all while he was manipulating me, I totally felt like I was losing my sanity. It is odd since I am usually a very laidback person. You're very right, the relationship lasted as long as it did, because of me. Once it got 'difficult' for him, and by difficult I mean, once he had to be transparent and honest, he said that relationships shouldn't be this difficult and should happen naturally. Spot on! But you also shouldn't lie, deceive, and manipulate in the first place.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    You've framed this bachelor party as the "last straw" in that it led him to end things, but, my golly, I hope you can also come to see it as the last straw for you. It's just uncool on so many levels, I don't know where to begin. If you were a close friend of mine I would be taking you out for champagne to celebrate this connection being over, so you can reconnect with your own awesomeness and, after some healing and mourning, connect with a man worthy of all that awesome. This guy? He's not that, and I don't think he ever was.
    This made me laugh. Thank you so much. It is the last straw for me, I finally blocked him and it has been such a liberating experience. I am so thankful for your response and you really made me question and see things more clearly! :)

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Glad you're feeling better.

    As you keep on healing, and surviving (great track for these moments!), I hope you'll turn your attention away from dissecting him and focus a bit on what attracted you to this dynamic. That's not judgment—been in some strange romantic waters myself—but at the end of the day we can't control others, regardless of how well we can understand their rusted mental machinery, while we do have control over ourselves. Often it's easier to put another on the operating table than to do a self-scan and figure out where we could use some repairs and attention.

    Easy metaphor would be sports. Let's say you're an ace tennis player, pro-level. If you play against someone on the JV squad there are going to be serious limitations for the quality of the match. If you keep playing against that person once the limitations are realized, rather than someone on your level—well, what's up with that? Answering that question, more than answering the questions of where their skills are lacking, is the thing that will make for better future matches.

    You've got stuff inside of you, it's clear, that this guy does not have. It's nice to see, honestly, as it jumps off the page: warmth, strength, humility, heart. Use this chapter to sharpen the compass a bit and it'll point you toward someone with the same stuff, so you won't feel like you're trying to extract something that's not there or to be seen by someone who simply doesn't have the vision to see you.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Yep, time to stop diagnosing him and focus on why you wanted this guy so badly you compromised yourself.

    What was it about him that made you act that way?

    Just as a side note, my ex told me that he lost respect for me when I leaped all over myself to accommodate him. And with no respect there is no love.

    You're educated and intelligent and have a lot going for you. It's puzzling why you wanted him when you could literally do so much better.

  8. #17
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    Thank you all. It's time for me to introspect and figure out why I chose to be treated this way in the first place when I could have ended things even before it started. I'll make this a great learning experience and focus on working on my boundaries and self-respect. And while I am at that, I'll also work on having the courage to walk away and sticking to my decisions and values.

    As to why I acted that way, I believe I fell in the trap of making excuses for his behavior. I thought highly of him and whenever something happened, it just didn't seem right or the 'real' him. But now I know, and I'm ready to close this chapter and start anew.

  9. #18
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    This guy sounds like he could have been seeing other women at the same time as you, unfortunately. He kept you out of his world and limited intimacy for a reason, and I am honestly quite astonished that you tolerated a lot of that.

    I mean...two hours to build up to sex, and then, "Whoops! Waddaya know, the two hours are up - bye!" That one leaves me speechless.

    I am sorry you experienced all this. Next time, don't work so hard to justify the red flags and keep yourself in a situation your gut is screaming at you to get out of.

  10. #19
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    Hello there!

    I just wanted to check back in with you guys to let you know that I'm slowly coping and healing from this emotional trauma. I feel as if I am finally getting my sanity back. I decided that the best course of action was to spend the next few weeks with my parents to make sure they're taken care of. I'm also quite busy since I'm working from home, however, I do notice that my thoughts drift back to the words he said and things he did - making me feel a bit worse. I'm between fully ignoring my feelings or feeling them entirely. I'd like to do what's most supporting and loving for myself. Do you guys have any book recommendations that'll help heal from emotional trauma and/or help develop healthier relationship skills?

    Many thanks, and stay healthy!

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Codependent No More. Talks about being a "pleaser" out of fear and how to overcome that tendency.

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