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Thread: Feeling so insecure and frustrated

  1. #1
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    Feeling so insecure and frustrated

    I left my husband whom Iíve been with for eight years last April because he was controlling and extremely abusive. I had to get a restraining order and itís been a pretty rough year for me. I recently started dating someone. we donít have a title but we are committed to each other. He is not great with communicating his feels at all. I often donít know what heís thinking. Iím really good at expressing myself And Iím pretty in tune with my feelings. But Iím also a very damaged insecure person and I have two school-age children. I moved into an apartment by myself three months ago and I donít have a lot of a support system. I work and Iím with my kids. I donít really have a lot of extracurricular activities going on and so I am home a lot it feels to me as if he really likes me I mean that is extremely apparent we like each other very much but he doesnít make any effort To try to make plans with me Iím always the one whoís making the initiative and I have the whole time and it feels like he has no problem making time with his friends to do things ahead of time but itís like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me I have to ask him if he wants to come over I have to ask him if you wants to hang out on a weekend and I donít like that but I think heís used to having his own thing and heís in different clubs in a part of different programs and heís got you know a lot of good friends and here I am entering in his life And I donít have anything going on so I feel like Iím always waiting around for him to want to see me and I know that looks probably pathetic I really donít want to be the type of woman that sits around waiting for him to let me know and I feel like that does give an unequal power to the relationship and Iíve expressed that the stuff bothers me and that Iíd like him to be the one to make the initiative to make plans and his response was well if you expect me to make plans with you itíll be last minute because I donít make plans 3 or 4days ahead of time. which to me just sounds like bull. weíre both in our 30s I have kids(he does as well but they donít live with him.) I have to make plans in advance because of that. And it seems like he always has something going on on weekends so I feel like I have to let him know I am free. He comes over a couple times a week after they go to bed and will leave early in the morning so
    A my kids wonít see him and B he has to be up early for work. so my kids have not met him. I just feel like maybe if I had more activities and things going on in my life, I wouldnít be so anxious to see him all the time. I just donít know how to do that when I have kids and I donít really have any family. I have one friend. I feel like this situation is making me feel like because I think he knows that if he wants to see me then Iíll be down. so itís not like he has to make much of an effort. I donít know how to fix that. Should I not ask him to come over anymore? when he does ask if he can see me, tell him Iíve got things going on so that way he wonít think Iím so readily available. I do really like him and he is very good person I just think that this is super new for both of us and heís been single for a long time. I just donít want to lose him by being insecure but I also donít want end up ending it because I am frustrated and feel like a side note. I was with him all last weekend. Which was great BUT I had to ask for that to happen. And I canít get past a comment he made before about the last girl he was with. he spent every weekend with her and then she just stop talking to him. he didnt know why. my kids were going to go off and do other things this weekend so I asked him last night(thursday) if he had any plans for Saturday and he tells me all these plans he has for the weekend. Why is it that he can make plans in advance with his friends but not me? I just donít feel like much of a priority.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    It's been your mistake to not wait for him to make the effort after you've taken your turn doing so. If he failed to, which he obviously would, then you should make a quick exit, since he is showing he's not as invested in you. You're dragging in a fish who doesn't want to be caught.

    First things, first, if you're a "damaged, insecure person," you shouldn't be dating until you resolve that issue, because you will attract, and be attracted to, inappropriate men. If you can't afford therapy, read books on how to achieve self love.

    Dump this guy, because he's just not that into you. He likes his booty calls. That's it. Concentrate on you and your kids right now. Take them to local parks. Join a Mommy and Me group. Get out there and meet other mothers. Maybe you can eventually trade babysitting hours with some of them, so that you can begin a hobby you're passionate about.

    It is important to have a fulfilling life besides having a boyfriend, so that your sole social universe doesn't revolve around him. Be patient, work on yourself, and leave the idea of romance on the back burner for now. You'll thank yourself later when you're better prepared for that part of your life and it ends up being more successful, or you see the red flags sooner and end things immediately. You're not there yet. Take care.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about the thorny feelings.

    Reading your post, I think you diagnosed the main issue here, which really doesn't have to do with this guy, wherever it goes. It's that you're isolated and have yet to really rebuild your life, independent of a man, which is critical to being able to share your life with someone without anxiety. Your words: I just feel like maybe if I had more activities and things going on in my life, I wouldnít be so anxious to see him all the time.

    I would really listen to that, as you just gave yourself wonderful advice. Remove him from the whole equationópretend, I mean, that you don't know him, never met himóand odds are you'd be a little anxious, a little lonely. Whoever we are on our own is who we are inside a relationship, just magnified. More troublesome is that when we lean on romance to be our main activityóour source of joy and meaningówe're just about guaranteeing an anxious romance, since to give anyone that kind of power is to disempower ourselves.

    Does that make sense?

    In terms of the specifics with this guy? I'm of the belief that the moment we are gauging someone's "effort" is the moment we are in something that is not workingófor us. Best way to channel that is to put in more effort ourselvesónot toward the relationship, but to securing ourselves. Do that, and you'll find that the right people stick and the wrong ones fall away, without it being so fraught. That's all dating is, after all, a screening process in which we see what works for us.

    This guy might not work for you, and while that's sad, it's okay. But big picture: I think this relationship has already shown you something very important, which is that you need to make an effort to have more going on in your life, so you can be who you want to be in your own skin and alongside another person.

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    I would strongly encourage you to build up you own life, regardless of relationship status. Get to know yourself again as an independent woman, find out what makes you tick (hobbies, interests, new skills) and focus on developing those and fostering new friendships.

    But the other issue I see here is a man who's just not that interested, I'm afraid to say. It sounds quite one-sided, with you putting in the effort and him just showing up when it's convenient for him. He's been clear that he doesn't like to plan in advance and prioritizes other people and activities. This is an incompatibility and a mismatch in interest levels.

    I personally don't see this ending well, regardless of whether you pull back or not. It might be best to accept that you two don't have mutual goals here and go your separate ways before it drags you down even further.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    I hear you on having kids, but no family around. It's really hard! We don't have family around either, but we are fortunate to have a great sitter who also works at our daughter's daycare. How old are your kids?
    Can you start doing playdates with friends or join mom groups? I know they usually have lots of activities and classes for the kids that are fun and great to meet other people. Not sure if I missed it, but do you not share custody with your ex-husband?
    Regarding the guy, have you ever asked him to plan the next hangout? Maybe he thinks you are busy with the kids, so it'd be easier for you to come to him? I have a friend like that. I reach out if I want to hang out, because my schedule is usually more packed, but it's something we're clear on. Talk about it with him?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I would strongly encourage you to build up you own life, regardless of relationship status. Get to know yourself again as an independent woman, find out what makes you tick (hobbies, interests, new skills) and focus on developing those and fostering new friendships.

    But the other issue I see here is a man who's just not that interested, I'm afraid to say. It sounds quite one-sided, with you putting in the effort and him just showing up when it's convenient for him. He's been clear that he doesn't like to plan in advance and prioritizes other people and activities. This is an incompatibility and a mismatch in interest levels.

    I personally don't see this ending well, regardless of whether you pull back or not. It might be best to accept that you two don't have mutual goals here and go your separate ways before it drags you down even further.
    Unfortunatly, I agree here. It is your current situation, and your belief in yoruself as a damaged insecure person, that makes you what they call 'low hanging fruit'. This allows guys just looking to have someone on the back burner they can toss a bone too from time to time while they do what they want. He can get sex and company with you when he wants because you will hang on hoping he is the cure for your situation. It is also likely he has several similar women scattered around, and likely one he prefers to spend time with on weekends.

    There is a cure for you being damaged and insecure...it's you. You have to work on yourself to lift your self assigned status and feel better about yourself. You have to get on with your life without an outside 'saviour' to fix it all for you.

    Cut him loose, as he will continue using you for whatever he can get from you, and that will only damage you further.

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    Iíve talk to him many times about the fact that he doesnít plan anything with me. He lives like two minutes from my house. Iím starting to get the clear indication that perhaps heís not invested as I am

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katiekat3586
    Iíve talk to him many times about the fact that he doesnít plan anything with me. He lives like two minutes from my house. Iím starting to get the clear indication that perhaps heís not invested as I am
    Imagine if you put the same effort into trying to get him to put in effort into yourself. New hobbies, cultivating new interests, meeting people in friendly situations. Rather than feeling drained, you would likely feel full. Rather than feeling damaged, you would likely feel repaired. And in all that? You would likely find that the last thing you want from romance is to feel like you have to tug someone along, but rather to meet someone who simply naturally compliments who you are, and how you live.

    In other words? You do have the time and energy, even in your tough circumstances, to improve your life, make it more rich. You're just putting that energy in the wrong place: another person rather than one who needs it mostóyou.

  10. #9
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    I think that you should cut this guy lose. Have you met any of his friends? Are your dates always at your home?

    I would have a big problem with someone who never initiates plans, and his priority is clearly with others. He does not value you, and sees you as a convenience.

    Have you sought therapy for the abuse? When you are in a better place, you will make better choices. This guy is not a good choice.

    You need to expand your life. Go to Meetups, volunteer, get involved in old and new hobbies, anything. You need to do something, as this is your life, and you need to make it full for you and your kids.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by katiekat3586
    Iíve talk to him many times about the fact that he doesnít plan anything with me. He lives like two minutes from my house. Iím starting to get the clear indication that perhaps heís not invested as I am
    His actions show it all. He does not care and is using you for sex. You need to stop allowing this.

    You need to address why you have stuck around and what you have gotten from this. It does not sound like any type of relationship.

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