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Thread: Feeling so insecure and frustrated

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. There is a lot of fallout after extricating yourself from an abusive situation. Isolation and decreased self confidence are a part of that. Read up on abusive relationships and look for support groups in person and online.

    Also rebuild your life with classes courses groups clubs and work. Reconnect to old friends. Announce to anyone who s distanced themselves from you that you finally left your husband. Try to befriend neighbors regulars in your and your kid's lives.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Check out the book Codependent No More - you might find it very helpful and insightful in terms of learning how to let go and avoid toxic relationships while you develop a happy life for yourself where toxic men don't have chance to enter, let alone become your whole focus and fixation.

  3. #13
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    Thank you so much. Itís horrible feeling like this.

  4. #14
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    Thank you for your vice I really appreciate you taking so much time to write that out. And youíre 100% right I think Iím just very lonely. Iím in a new town starting over and is the first person Iíve liked in a year since I left my husband and I havenít dated in 8 years. I tend to put myself in a situation where Iím a doormat and I know that I deserve better than that and I know the only way Iím going to get it is if I respect myself first itís just incredibly hard

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  6. #15
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    I kind of had a feeling that I wasnít ready and I am damaged being with someone who is so controlling and abusive emotionally has made me a target for men that donít respect me. Iím not ready

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Inhale, exhale...

    Honestly? I think what youíre showing on this thread is a lot of strengthónot the stuff of damage, but the stuff of someone who has taken some licks and is seeing what she needs to get back into her skin. Great. Celebrate that for a moment because itís (a) real and (b) has nothing to do with this guy.

    Saying youíre not ready, and owning that truth, is a far more awesome place to be than pretending youíre ready and trying to prove that falsehood with a dude who isnít delivering what you need. If you needed this chapter with this dude to see all thatówell, so it goes. Not the stuff of fairytales, no, but also not a sad story if you can see it from one angle and walk in the right direction.

  8. #17
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katiekat3586
    Iíve talk to him many times about the fact that he doesnít plan anything with me. He lives like two minutes from my house. Iím starting to get the clear indication that perhaps heís not invested as I am
    I have to agree with you there. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I wouldn't let him spend the night while your children are home. It doesn't matter if they're aware of him being there or not, it's just an all around poor choice, (imo).

    Rather than allowing this guy to freeload and signing yourself up to be his booty call at his leisure, it's time to set the bar at a higher level.

  9. #18
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    I absolutely agree. Thank you. I keep going back reading everyoneís comments because it makes me feel strong. I know I deserve better then be treated as disposable, I have a lot to offer someone but Iím not giving it to myself yet. Iím so good at seeing the best in others and giving other people the patience and kindness and compassion that I do not give myself. Clearly if I gave that to myself I would have not ignored when I felt the red flags. Itís not like I havenít seen them. I donít think Iíve ever really been in love and at 34 I just donít want to spend the rest of my life going through this.

  10. #19
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    Thank you for your advice I appreciate it. I am in therapy and have been for the past six months he does take me out on dates weíve got a bunch of times to eat and I met one of his friends briefly but itís just hard because I have my kids most of the time so itís not like we can go out very often and he has his own life as well. I am trying to get more involved in other things itís just hard because I donít have a babysitter and I donít really have family Iíve already tried to involve myself to volunteer for things and I just canít do it

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I really love these last two posts of yours. They're raw, honest, hopeful, human. There's hurt in them, no doubt, but there's fire, too, and a lot of heart. All the best ingredients for life, the things that make you you, right now.

    Above all? There's a lot of self-awareness, which I like to think of as fuel for change. Just needs to be enriched, kind of like how oil is turned into gasoline. Takes some time and intentionósome workóbut it can be done. It's worth it.

    That love you want to experience? I know it sounds like a Hallmark card, but the hard truthóthe science of it, evenóis that it begins with you, meaning the love you experience with and from another will only ever be as deep as your love for yourself. That is the person to date right nowóyou!óthe person to discover new layers of, to revel in and fall for. Part of that isn't so romantic, as it means digging into some emotional weeds and pulling them out by the roots. Lonely stuff, in the beginning. But there is real joy in that, once you get going, no different than gardening: a chore for the first 20 minutes, then pretty satisfying, even downright fun.

    I'm sure this guy is...well, okay. Not a monster, not "using" you. But the brass tacks are that it's a connection that is draining you more than it's filling you up, and you've already been there, in those sorts of connections. You're looking for more, yearning for more, and you can already see that, describe it. Wonderful. But, alas, you've got to own it, fully, which is harnessing that awareness into action, oil into gas. Once your own engine is purring you'll be interested in different kinds of road trip companions, if that makes sense.

    You're 34? To me that is very young. Probably not a lot of comfort in those wordsóand, sure, I'm biased, being 40, and particularly biased in that it took me until 39 to experience a kind of love and connection (first with myself, then another) that I've been yearning for...well, since high school. Still, if you do the hard math, you really are still just getting started in the business of life, which means you have a lot of time to change the story, to write new chapters that don't mimic past ones.

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