Dating a guy who smokes weed but I don’t

Hello,

I’ve been dating a guy for about 5 months that smokes weed. He is 28 and I am 25.

I have never done it before and have zero interest in ever doing it. I am not against people doing it as I believe anyone has the right to do whatever makes them happy and I understand it is not that harmful of a drug. I also understand that not everyone who smokes weed is a “pothead.” This specific guy is still motivated about life, has a great job, etc.

I like him and wanted to keep an open mind and take things day by day , but I’ve been soul searching lately and concluded that this will be an issue down the line as I strongly prefer to not be around weed or around him when he does it. This would obviously make things really hard if our relationship progressed and we were to live together, get married, etc.

I’ve realized I need to end this, but I don’t know what to say without coming off as judgemental. The last thing I want is for him to think that I’m judging him for smoking, as I definitely am not. Could someone give me advice on what to say to end things for this reason without sounding judgemental?

Thank you

You can just say you don't think there is long term compatibility between you.

I like him and wanted to keep an open mind and take things day by day , but I’ve been soul searching lately and concluded that this will be an issue down the line as I strongly prefer to not be around weed . This would obviously make things really hard if our relationship progressed and we were to live together, get married, etc.

Thank you for your advice, I guess it is as simple as that!

Thank you for responding, this is very helpful!

Agree with TwT. You already put it quite eloquently and compassionately yourself.

Curious: Have you guys ever talked about this in any way?

Hi blue castle,

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it very much.

We have talked about it a lot actually. When I first met him, he was a frequent smoker and I did mention that it wasn’t my thing and I wasn’t sure if I was ok with it.

I continued to get to know him and as of a month ago now he decided to quit smoking for 6 months. He claims he decided to do this to kind of ween himself off of being a daily smoker and to prove to himself that he does not have to do it every day. He said it will always be part of his life in some way though so I know this is not here to stay.

Agree- it's not judgmental -you're just choosing not to date him because you don't have common values. I dated for many years -I dated people who had tried pot but I wouldn't date someone who smoked pot at that time (meaning once we were done with college, in our 20s etc). I don't judge people who choose to smoke pot (different if it's CBD oil, etc). I do have boundaries as far as how and when I would associate with that person. Two different things.

Everyone has a right to do what they want whether it's smoking pot or whatever. However, if you don't agree with it nor comfortable with it especially in a relationship situation, there's nothing wrong with this pot smoking habit to be a real deal breaker for you.

You can most certainly be non-judgmental. It's simply your personal preference and there's nothing wrong with that.

I remember when I was dating my husband. Neither one of us did drugs, smoked, we're both teetotalers, etc. and focused on a super healthy lifestyle. This was our cup of tea and comfort zone. We proceeded with marriage and family life. Our sons are the same way. There's nothing wrong with what other people do. It's simply not what we do, that's all.

When you end things, be completely honest and truthful. Tell him it's nothing personal against his character, personality and you admire his motivation, his great job, etc. However, his personal lifestyle with pot smoking is something you're very uncomfortable with nor will you ever partake in this recreational drug activity because it's NOT your lifestyle. You don't have to elaborate further. Tell it like it is and depart on peaceful terms. It's better to let him go now and move forward with your life and be with a man who doesn't smoke pot in your future.

You've only been dating for 5 months so it's easier to breakup now than later. Pot smoking would bother me, too. If you don't like it, get out.

I personally don't think you are sounding judgemental. As nice as this bloke may be, both of you have different lifestyles. That's okay, isn't it?

I think you should part ways.

He is not a guy who smokes it once in a blue moon, and its easy for him to decide "eh, no big deal to give it up." Its a BIG part of his life and he is doing the minimum giving up he has to in order to keep you around. He's going to start smoking more the more comfortable he gets with you.

I love animals. I could not live without a pet. I used to have reptiles, but it was 15 years+ ago now. I did not have any when i met my guy. He loves animals too, but does not like reptiles in the house.

It would be cool to have one again, but it was no big deal to give up on the idea because i rather have him. If he asked me to not have a dog, we would not have lasted two dates.

I think you went against your gut by dating him and you should cut your losses now.

Speak your truth. I feel the same and would not see a future with someone who smoked weed on a regular basis.

as of a month ago now he decided to quit smoking for 6 months. He claims he decided to do this to kind of ween himself off of being a daily smoker and to prove to himself that he does not have to do it every day. He said it will always be part of his life in some way though so I know this is not here to stay.

So he hasn’t smoked since a month ago?

So why are you deciding now to end it?

Are you sure smoking pot is the reason you want to end it?

And do you think he has stopped because he knows you don’t like it?

If he has quit cold turkey for a month then he actually can’t be a big smoker and can live without it.

If smoking pot is the ONLY reason for ending it , then you can’t exactly use that reason now WITHOUT sounding judgements since he currently doesn’t smoke?

If there are other reasons as to why you want to end it , then I suggest you tell him those?

What’s your thoughts?

Breakups are not about impressing someone about how PC you are

Breakups are not about impressing someone about how PC you are

Very true!!!

Good point!! The op is possibly more worried about him thinking badly of her and calling her judgemental than how he will take the break up?

Breaking up with someone whose bad habits distress you and who you are incompatible with is judicious, not "judgmental". Simply tell him it's not working.

I don’t know what to say without coming off as judgemental. The last thing I want is for him to think that I’m judging him for smoking

Breaking up with someone whose bad habits distress you and who you are incompatible with is judicious, not "judgmental". Simply tell him it's not working.

Agree. People seem to think we should apply the same standards to casual friends as we should to someone who may marry us someday. There is a very large number of guys who never touch drugs and have higher priorities in life.

Young potheads that stay potheads become old potheads. The drive they had in their 20s that let them blow through the weaknesses attending to that vice decreases faster and faster. If you don't want that in your life, then remove it. Pretty pointless to try to make the effort to explain it to him.

People have ended relationships for things a lot dumber (and meaner) than this, eg. guys going bad, being too short, having a small package, etc. If you were to say one of these things were an issue, then, that'd be different (to me). But smoking pot, that is a VERY valid reason to end things with this guy. I actually applaud you for thinking about the future with this guy, and how such a habit would affect you if you stuck with him long-term.

I personally would never date a woman that smokes pot. Weed and drugs are just out of the question for me, instant deal breakers. Getting high isn't a good way to deal with problems in life. And, I lost one of my best friends a couple years ago to heroin addiction. So, those things are just out for me. Smoking I can tolerate to some degree. But weed, no thanks. find someone with similar values as you.

Well some people wouldn't date someone that just smokes cigarettes either. And to a lesser extent some people also wouldn't date someone who drinks a lot of alcohol. I would date someone who is a cigarette smoker (and I have) and it doesn't bother me. I'm fine with the smell etc because I used to socially smoke myself. However I would not want to date someone who uses drugs regularly or is an alcoholic. My ex turned into a drug addict and when someone actually uses substances a lot it does affect their whole life and your relationship.

I don't judge people that smoke weed either and this is just my own personal opinion but I don't think doing it for a long time is actually harmless. I know it's natural but it's been proven to cause mental health problems in many people, even such as schizophrenia. As well as memory problems and sometimes erection problems in men. I'm not saying every person will get these problems but with regular marijuana use some will.

Personally I would only want to date someone who uses drugs or alcohol on an occasional basis. And even then I wouldn't want them to use something like ice or heroin. I'm not a prude by any means and I've tried a few drugs myself. I've only ever had drugs once in a blue moon though. I think if you start using drugs regularly they really start to affect you physically and mentally and affect other aspects of your life too.