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Can I ever compete with her first love? Or is all that just nonsense?


peanutbreath

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So long story short, been in a happy relationship a while now and it’s getting serious. Love her to pieces, in in many ways more intense than anything I’ve felt before.

 

Some dumb “Why you never forget your first love” post showed up on Reddit the other day and gave me the frighteners a little. She’s had 3 relationships before me and whilst I have no doubt she seems over them all, it’s always been clear that her first one was the only one that was good for any length of time. It went sour when he cheated and their engagement broke off.

 

The internet is full of articles about why first love is the best and most important and even when I logged on here today, the top article was a poster talking about reconnecting with her first love post-divorce. In the post she claimed he had always been “her everything.”

 

Given the amount of discourse this gets online, I’m now worried that secretly my girlfriend could be pining after her first love and that I’m second best. It happens, as can be seen on threads on this very site.

 

She gives me no reason to think like this however, so am I just wasting my time with these worries? We live together, have talked engagement and after more than a year I still love her more every day.

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Can I ask how old you guys are?

 

The way I'd look at this, in your shoes, is that your looping thoughts about the power of her first love are indicative of something else, something you're not quite wanting to face directly and so you've found a proxy. What is that something? I don't know.

 

Maybe something to do with your relationship, something that is not as "happy" as your portrayal here, some place where you have doubts, either about her level of commitment to you, yours to her, or the fundamental strength of what you guys share. If not that, then perhaps it has something to do with yourself—a little anxious corner in your personal house where you doubt your own worth and, as such, are somewhat prone to "proving" where you don't stack up than taking comfort in exactly how you stack up.

 

First loves—sure, they are important. First anything's are: first homes, first cars, first time trying sushi. They are memorable, formative, though often time proves them to be much thinner in substance and quality than they seemed back when they were the first and only. Those that long for them, hang onto them—well, that's often indicative of some much more complicated circumstances and psychology than the "power" of early love. The post on this site you highlighted being a good example. Not exactly a beautiful love story, that one.

 

So what's going on here, really? Are you prone to anxiety, insecurity? Great as this relationship is, do you have doubts? Could all this just be marriage jitters strumming some self-sabotaging chords inside of you?

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He cheated. That automatically disqualifies him from being "the best". It is highly unlikely that she feels that a cheater is the best she can do. Imo, you are being paranoid. Why is that? Are you not over your first love? And why do you feel that it's a competition? Healthy love is not a competition.

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Can I ask how old you guys are?

 

The way I'd look at this, in your shoes, is that your looping thoughts about the power of her first love are indicative of something else, something you're not quite wanting to face directly and so you've found a proxy. What is that something? I don't know.

 

Maybe something to do with your relationship, something that is not as "happy" as your portrayal here, some place where you have doubts, either about her level of commitment to you, yours to her, or the fundamental strength of what you guys share. If not that, then perhaps it has something to do with yourself—a little anxious corner in your personal house where you doubt your own worth and, as such, are somewhat prone to "proving" where you don't stack up than taking comfort in exactly how you stack up.

 

First loves—sure, they are important. First anything's are: first homes, first cars, first time trying sushi. They are memorable, formative, though often time proves them to be much thinner in substance and quality than they seemed back when they were the first and only. Those that long for them, hang onto them—well, that's often indicative of some much more complicated circumstances and psychology than the "power" of early love. The post on this site you highlighted being a good example. Not exactly a beautiful love story, that one.

 

So what's going on here, really? Are you prone to anxiety, insecurity? Great as this relationship is, do you have doubts? Could all this just be marriage jitters strumming some self-sabotaging chords inside of you?

 

Both early 30s. Thanks for the response. I have heard others say that the substance of first love often is less than it feels at the time so interesting you said that. It’s certainly true for me, my first love looks like a childish little fling now.

 

However, what’s going on here really is exactly what I said. There’s no subconscious doubts from me about her but I guess I am prone to some degree of anxiety.

 

I really just can’t handle the thought that maybe somewhere inside she still has feelings for her first love. I have zero evidence to say that she has, but when that Reddit post popped up and I scrolled down the comments it started going over and over in my head.

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He cheated. That automatically disqualifies him from being "the best". It is highly unlikely that she feels that a cheater is the best she can do. Imo, you are being paranoid. Why is that? Are you not over your first love? And why do you feel that it's a competition? Healthy love is not a competition.

 

It’s no competition but naturally, you want you’re life partner to love you more than they have anyone else.

 

He only cheated once, begged for forgiveness and even her mom tried to get her to take him back as it was just “a silly mistake.” She eventually said she’d give it another shot and he dumped her pretty much the next day so a nasty guy it seems.

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You said yourself that she's done nothing to make you feel this way. So you know this is your own insecurity rearing it's head. It's up to you whether or not you want to grant it space in your mind. One thing you should know for sure is that it's not worth it to you at all. It is only a self-created, self-defeating mechanism. You control the power over it. You can feed it, which will lead to ruin or banish it which will lead to liberation. You and you alone have the complete and total power to take out the garbage and leave it where it belongs, which is behind you.

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It’s no competition but naturally, you want you’re life partner to love you more than they have anyone else.

 

He only cheated once, begged for forgiveness and even her mom tried to get her to take him back as it was just “a silly mistake.” She eventually said she’d give it another shot and he dumped her pretty much the next day so a nasty guy it seems.

 

He only cheated once and that's ok? And he dumped her once she took him back? And you view him as competition? You sure have some very low standards regarding what's acceptable in relationships. Healthy people don't go back to people who treat them like that. You must have a very low opinion of your girlfriend.

 

Regarding loving people, imo it's futile to compare past loves. Each one is different because it involves different people under different circumstances and times. She is no longer that same person and you are different than him. Your love is different to whatever love they might have had at some point.

 

You want your life partner to love you more than they have anyone else? Then treat them right. That means trust, communication and acceptance of each other as you are. Imo, you fixating on the past like that indicates that something is missing in your present. Don't you trust her? Or is it that you don't feel good enough?

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Focus on what's in front of you. What if Reddit had a meme called "why you never forget your first car"? Of course your concern is more of a symptom than a problem in itself. Find out why you feel insure in the relationship to the point of comparing yourself with some pimply teenage boy she had in high school. Everyone has training wheels so why worry about this?

“Why you never forget your first love” post showed up on Reddit

She gives me no reason to think like this however, so am I just wasting my time with these worries? We live together, have talked engagement and after more than a year I still love her more every day.

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Is this an article written or posted by your GF? If not, consider the difficulty in trying to find someone who springs from the womb fully formed as an adult without a history, and then consider whether it's easier to just credit the people who enter our lives as either capable of earning our trust--or not. If not, make a smart exit, and if so, what's the sense in torturing yourself with "what if's"?

 

Really--what purpose does that serve but to make you anxious enough to sabotage an otherwise good relationship?

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Don't search for trouble when there isn't any. Don't create issues when there aren't any otherwise you will cause unnecessary fights eventually which will dissolve your happy relationship with her.

 

Log off reddit and stop polluting your brain with drama.

 

Concentrate and focus on the good thing you have going which is your happy relationship with her and go with the flow. And yes, you're wasting a tremendous amount of time and energy on wasted thoughts.

 

Keep in mind, her first love was a cheat so that first love soured everything for her. If anything, she looks upon her first love with great disdain and disgust. Your thinking is all warped. Be sensible and appreciate what you have with her.

 

Her previous 3 relationships ended for a reason and you are the winner in her eyes. Keep it that way!

 

Wake up and focus on being happy with her because it is all that matters. Consider yourself fortunate especially because you two have already talked about engagement and a bright future together. Count your blessings.

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Who looks back to a past love and wants to return to it? A person not happy in their present, looking to the past because they can't envision a happy future that seems out of their grasp. If she's happy in her present, with you, then you're creating a false fantasy, which is self-sabotaging. I have some good memories of a first love, but I also broke up with him for a good reason, and have never once wished I'd stayed with him.

 

Just let go of those toxic thoughts. The reality is that the only control you have in a relationship is to choose a partner who is a good risk to your heart. Choose a person without dealbreakers and who shares your ethics and major life goals. Be the best boyfriend you can be. If things end regardless of all of these things you DO have control of, then fate has someone else in store for you. When you have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a girlfriend, full of hobbies and time spent with friends and family, you will be better prepared for anything that comes your way in life.

 

She has been a good girlfriend to you, I'm assuming, all along. Do you think she wants to look in your face and see the eyes of a frightful, quivering mouse, expecting to be inflicted with pain at her hands? I know I prefer a guy who is just enjoying life with me, and expecting more fun times, looking forward to building a beautiful life with me, without the drama of his worrying I love another more than him when I've never expressed that.

 

If she was so stupid as to yearn for a cheater who dumped her, then why would you want someone so mentally messed up? That would be a person who is not psychologically ready to be anyone's partner. Don't think so lowly of your gf when she's never given you reason to. My advice? Read some books and articles on how to think more positively.

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So do you prefer to tell her you don't trust her when she says she loves you, you think she's lying because she actually really wants her "first love" and tell her you're breaking up with her because you're convinced she's an untrustworthy liar?

 

Do you see how ridiculous that is???

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

All much appreciated, all pointing in the same direction. I dunno, I guess I just on some level feel like a “second choice” for her. I’m aware this is excessive as she didn’t meet me until 6 years after her engagement ended, but still the feeling persists.

 

I know she took a while to get over it and I think that’s part of it. My long term relationships were history in my mind 6 months after they ended.

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I took a little skim through an earlier thread of yours—just a skim, so forgive me if I'm wrong here—but you expressed a sentiment about choosing the "wrong" woman over and over. Unhealthy dynamics, maybe some drama, I don't know. Guess I bring that up to ask: Is this relationship different, in that it is made of healthier fibers? Could you be looking to sabotage it, as you're used to more tension, more anxiety in partnerships? Just food for thought, since what you're doing right now, unless you're not letting us in on some real doom and gloom, is searching for something to feel anxious about.

 

I've never understood this business of "second choice," at least not since, I don't know, middle school. I have chosen many women before choosing my current girlfriend, and I loved a few of them, though of course it wasn't like that, as I didn't know my girlfriend existed on planet earth during those years—years when she was choosing men who were not me, one of whom she was married to for a while, and has a child with. But all that? Just choices. Not first, second, or third. Just individual lives being lived before becoming connected, and braided.

 

One way to think about all this, perhaps? We benefit from people who have been loved, and who've experienced different forms and shades of love, before we come into their lives, and them into ours. That love informs them, opens them up to themselves, teaches them lessons, and so when we meet someone we are kind of part of that continuum. We let go of the person, and the potent feelings connected to them, but that information is retained: emotional information, spiritual information, intellectual information. All that sharpens our focus—our compass, you could say—to lead us to better chapters, richer ones, as her past led her to you, and yours to her.

 

There's something beautiful to that, no? Something to embrace rather than fear?

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

All much appreciated, all pointing in the same direction. I dunno, I guess I just on some level feel like a “second choice” for her. I’m aware this is excessive as she didn’t meet me until 6 years after her engagement ended, but still the feeling persists.

 

I know she took a while to get over it and I think that’s part of it. My long term relationships were history in my mind 6 months after they ended.

 

Everyone's different and processes their experiences differently. Just as her previous relationships had nothing to do with you, the way she processed them also and equally had nothing to do with you. It's just where she was and where she came from before she met you; the past. The two of you are now together in the present. If you continue focusing on the past, it means you can't fully avail yourself of the place you are in the present. We all strive for happiness. We all choose our path on how to get there and the lessons learned from our past are just that. It's wise to retain the knowledge gained from them, but unwise to keep our thoughts trained on places and events that no longer exist.

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I guess I just on some level feel like a “second choice” for her.

 

You can choose to view it that way if you want to, and nobody here can stop you. It might be more advantageous to rephrase the idea to work in your own favor, such as, "She spent that time settling for him because she didn't know that I exist yet..."

 

Really, we all date people who've loved before. We can spin that into a good thing, because now they're grown into people who can appreciate us in ways that they may not have recognize when they were younger, OR, we can drill ourselves into a hole to climb out of with self sabotage.

 

Choose wisely.

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As catfeeder mentioned, you'll be hard pressed to find someone who does not have a first. Without going back, have you had a first and does that experience interfere with your current relationship?

 

Based on everything you've shared, I don't think you have anything to concerned about, unless you are looking for something to.

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First loves—sure, they are important. First anything's are: first homes, first cars, first time trying sushi. They are memorable, formative, though often time proves them to be much thinner in substance and quality than they seemed back when they were the first and only. Those that long for them, hang onto them—well, that's often indicative of some much more complicated circumstances and psychology than the "power" of early love. The post on this site you highlighted being a good example. Not exactly a beautiful love story, that one.

 

Hey bluecastle, I think this is a great thing you wrote. :) I often feel this way about life lately, just having turned 30. Back in December, I bought a brand new, turbo charged Civic coupe (I grew up on the fast and the furious movies). You know what happened after I bought it, though? It didn't feel as special as my first car (that I had to junk a few weeks before I got it). I felt, almost depressed about it, about a brand new car!!! My first car was a POS Saturn. But, it was my key to the world. I was so excited to have a car of my own when I first bought that. My new car, it will never amount to that level of excitement. It is slowly growing on me, but it takes time. I have the same feelings about dating. My "first love" at 21, I was so excited to date and see that woman. I was high on life back then. No person since then I have really felt the same level of excitement for, especially after bad experiences and breakups.

 

OP I am writing about myself because it is kind of a reflection of what you are going through, or what you are feeling towards your lady. Everyone has a "first" for everything. And often, things don't live up to or feel the same as when you first tried them. As you have pointed out, though, she has not done anything to make you feel that she is still in love with this person or anything, and that you are "second best".

 

However, what’s going on here really is exactly what I said. There’s no subconscious doubts from me about her but I guess I am prone to some degree of anxiety.

 

It sounds to me, like maybe you need some kind of therapy for this. I actually have a similar mental problem to you. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder this year, and also had what my therapist says is "lost identity syndrome" after going through multiple deaths in my life (including a parent) in the past 3~ years. I just got out of a thing with a woman I've been seeing a couple months now. I would constantly question everything with her. If she's the right one, if I really like her, if she really likes me, if she sees other guys, if she turns me on, if I even like women! I got a serious bug in the brain I had to be medicated for. It's a lot better than it was, but I still am dealing with it and learning to keep it at bay. It shares some similar traits to OCD.

 

It's like being obsessed with the "what ifs" in life, and it's an absolutely terrible mindset to have. You have to learn to become comfortable with the idea of "not knowing". Not needing reassurance for things in life. You know what? Maybe you are "second best" to her. Maybe deep in her subconscious somewhere, she feels no one will ever live up to her first love. But on the other hand... maybe she doesn't care for him anymore. Maybe you're number one in her life. Maybe in her mind, you are the only one she loves and thinks about.

 

Do you really need to start a problem where there is none? Do you really need that "reassurance"? You'll never get it. She may tell you that you're the only one, but there's that part of your brain that will keep questioning it. And furthermore, you even asking that, is gonna strain your relationship. Now, maybe this is the only thing you are worried about, but, I am looking out for you as a mental standpoint. It starts out with something like kinda small like this, worrying about her placing you as second best. Then you start questioning other things about her. Is there other guys she has feelings for, does she see other people behind your back? Who and why is she texting someone while spending time with you? Do you need to make sure it's her parents or relative? Are you even attracted to her anymore, are you feelings real? You can get in this spiral of constant questioning and disbelief. So, I recommend that, if this continues to be a problem, PLEASE go see a therapist! Talk to someone about this. Mental issues can often be squashed when you catch them early in the game. I am sharing this because of what you said with anxiety, and because of how these things have started with myself. This sounds, to me, like the starting point for other questionings about your relationship with her, even if there's absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship. I hope you can figure this thing out and stay in a happy relationship with this person.

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hey there

When you love someone for the first time, they have the edge of being...the first.

At some point, the only person you have ever really loved.

 

So it's completely natural to compare your first love to whoever you're currently seeing too.

 

But given that she hasn't really implied anything of the sort, you're being paranoid.

Relax, man :)

 

Enjoy your time together. Her first love was a cheater.

Nothing beats that .

 

So, even if she does compare you with him, you're the obvious choice and I'm pretty sure she knows that :)

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