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Is he using his profile picture to send a message to me?


CinnamonGoil

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Hi all, not sure where to start but I'll try to give a quick recap.

 

I recently connected with my first love after having been apart for more than 10 years. We are both going through divorces. We met in college, and it was a pretty toxic dynamic for 4 years due to immaturity I guess on both of our parts. I eventually left him when I met my husband (the guy I am currently getting a divorce from).

 

My first love and I reconnected via Facebook in September and for lack of a better term, began hooking up. We never talked about the past, never talked about any feelings we had. We literally just hooked up a handful of times, but then I got attached.

 

After 5 months of hooking up, I told him how I felt about him, how I always felt about him. I told him I loved him, that he was my first love, my first everything. I said I wanted more - all in or nothing. He said he just wanted to be single, he was hurt from his wife, and that he wanted me to remain in his life as a good friend. He was very mean in this exchange (we were texting via Facebook messenger) and I suspect he had several other girls in rotation. Essentially I poured my heart out to him and he made me feel worthless and crazy. I wasn't really pestering him or begging and pleading - I just told him that I never stopped loving him. He never has stated how he felt about me then or now, and he ended up blocking me for about a week.

 

A week goes by, and I noticed he unblocked me. I was so hurt by our last exchange that I felt I had no choice but to block him back to prevent any further communication.

 

It's been a month since we last spoke. I have had him blocked for almost 4 weeks now. Curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to log into a dummy Facebook account the other night and snoop on his profile. I noticed he changed his profile picture (he never changes it) to him standing next to a sign at a ski slope that says "Experts Only". The thing with this sign though, is it has a skull and crossbones.

 

I am a heavy metal freak and I am obsessed with skulls. I have a skull grill plate for my Wrangler. I wear skulls on my socks, on my shirts, on my purses. When I say I am skull obsessed I mean I own literally anything with a skull on it. When we were hooking up, he ended up getting a skull tattoo on his forearm, and he started playing guitar (I have been playing for 20 years). He was never into skulls or guitars until we reconnected.

 

I guess my question is this: Is he using his profile picture with the skull to somehow send a message to me or is this just me being crazy and hopeful? For what it's worth, I have 100% accepted that whatever relationship we had is over, and I am not interested in being friends with him (at least not right now).

 

Thank you for reading.

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I guess my question is this: Is he using his profile picture with the skull to somehow send a message to me or is this just me being crazy and hopeful? For what it's worth, I have 100% accepted that whatever relationship we had is over, and I am not interested in being friends with him (at least not right now).

 

I get you are disappointed and when these things happen we tend to reach for signs and try to find meaning between the tea leaves.

 

This one is a stretch, but for arguments sake, lets say it's a sign. Given everything that has been clearly laid on the table between you two, anything less than him standing on your door step wanting to talk to you about where to two go forward from here is just noise.

 

And no, you aren't 100% over it, or you wouldn't have snooped, you wouldn't be looking for signs and you wouldn't be here asking us. It's ok. Just be honest with yourself.

Hang in there.

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I guess my question is this: Is he using his profile picture with the skull to somehow send a message to me or is this just me being crazy and hopeful? For what it's worth, I have 100% accepted that whatever relationship we had is over, and I am not interested in being friends with him (at least not right now).

 

Well, I guess my answer is: Does it matter? If you have "100% accepted" that what you had is over, what is the difference in this being a subliminal sign from him or a sign that you remain "crazy" hopeful?

 

I know this is a hard moment, so I don't mean to jab, just giving you an honest answer. More honesty? You are an adult, still reeling from a divorce, and while I get that this high school reunion offered a dash of comfort from that, I'd take a moment right now to ask yourself who do you want to be, moving forward.

 

Is it a woman who is logging onto a dummy Facebook account, looking at a photo like this, and trying to see...well, what? All the things you're looking for (sign from him, sign that you're crazy) are not exactly nourishment. You just ended a marriage, so you now have ample experience in knowing what works and what doesn't in romance. Do you think what you're devoting your romantic energy to right now is the path to salvation or more of the same? If the answer is more of the same, then you know which way to move your feet: away from all this, into the future rather than back into past toxicity.

 

In your shoes, I would see this whole chapter—reaching out to a toxic love from adolescence, hooking up, trying to jump into a relationship while the embers of two marriages are still dying out—as a sign that it's time to sit still for a minute. I've had some of those moments myself, on the heels of similar dramatics, so do know I'm not judging. Feel what you need to feel, mourn what you need to mourn, thrash on the guitar and bang the head around in some mosh pits. Take care of the divorce. Inhale, exhale. Then, when all that smoke as cleared—and it will, if you allow it—you will find yourself in a state of mind and heart where you are open and ready for the sort of connections you have sought but, perhaps, have yet to experience.

 

That's solid gold on the horizon, right there. I say walk toward it.

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I think you are really reaching pretty far trying to read something into this.

 

Are you crazy? No. However, I think you do need to take a moment to acknowledge that you are trying to plug a hole the divorce is causing and it's causing you to make some really poor choices, like hooking up with a toxic ex from the past and then developing an attachment to him and pouring those feelings out to him. Definitely do yourself a huge favor and just take a huge step back - deal with the divorce, deal with those feelings, face them head on and walk away knowing that you are strong enough to handle your life on your own. That you don't need some guy to prop you up. That's something that will give you a lot of power and set you up for a better future and healthier relationships.

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I get you are disappointed and when these things happen we tend to reach for signs and try to find meaning between the tea leaves.

 

This one is a stretch, but for arguments sake, lets say it's a sign. Given everything that has been clearly laid on the table between you two, anything less than him standing on your door step wanting to talk to you about where to two go forward from here is just noise.

 

And no, you aren't 100% over it, or you wouldn't have snooped, you wouldn't be looking for signs and you wouldn't be here asking us. It's ok. Just be honest with yourself.

Hang in there.

 

Thank you for your response - I am not 100% over it, I 100% recognize there is no way that we will be together.

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He said he just wanted to be single, he was hurt from his wife

 

What he said is what he means. It doesn't matter if he misses his booty call. You are all that, and a bag of chips, and shouldn't settle for scraps. He knows where you live, and can get in touch. Keep blocking him. 4 years of a crappy relationship doesn't suddenly become great even with maturity.

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Social media is a digitally generated illusion. It can be easy to get wrapped up in if you look at or think about it too much. The picture your ex posted is just that. It has no special significance. Any meaning you assign to it is strictly a product of your own perception. I think you should take it as a sign however of the things you need to let go of.

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@tattoobunny LOL thank you for this. This comment made me LOL. I actually am all that and he's really not that great. But he was my first and I keep holding on to that nugget. My ego is very bruised. A bit narcissistic on my end...and I'm not really bent out of shape about the whole thing. Honestly have not shed a tear. I'm just kind of bummed and confused that he doesn't want me considering what a catch I am. Haha.

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@tattoobunny LOL thank you for this. This comment made me LOL. I actually am all that and he's really not that great. But he was my first and I keep holding on to that nugget. My ego is very bruised. A bit narcissistic on my end...and I'm not really bent out of shape about the whole thing. Honestly have not shed a tear. I'm just kind of bummed and confused that he doesn't want me considering what a catch I am. Haha.

 

But why hang on to that? Is it really a nugget or just part of long ago history that should stay...history.... I mean the whole "my first" thing holds only as much value as you choose to give to it. I have to admit that I've personally never understood giving that one moment in time such deep significance when you are many years and many life experiences down the road from that.

 

As for him not wanting you....I mean again....why such negative self talk. To be really frank....neither one of you is a catch right now as you are both going through a divorce and people dealing with that just are all over the place emotionally and so do not make good partners or even good dating material. My point is that this isn't about him rejecting you so much as neither one of you being in a good place to be getting involved in anything serious with anyone at all. He is good for a hook up, he isn't good for anything else. That's where he is at. What I hope you are learning from this is that hookups are not a good idea for you because you will get attached.

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Sorry this is happening. Being in the throes of divorce can put you in a messy up and down place including reconnecting with a "toxic" old flame. It seems you wanted a balm for your divorce with an insta-relationship and decided to lean on him heavily. He is still the same toxic guy

 

It would be best to enlist the help of friends family and most of all a good therapist to help navigate through your divorce. Join some clubs and groups that share your interests.

We met in college, and it was a pretty toxic dynamic for 4 years due to immaturity I guess on both of our parts. I eventually left him when I met my husband (the guy I am currently getting a divorce from).

 

I poured my heart out to him and he made me feel worthless and crazy. I wasn't really pestering him or begging and pleading - I just told him that I never stopped loving him. He never has stated how he felt about me then or now, and he ended up blocking me for about a week.

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But why hang on to that? Is it really a nugget or just part of long ago history that should stay...history.... I mean the whole "my first" thing holds only as much value as you choose to give to it. I have to admit that I've personally never understood giving that one moment in time such deep significance when you are many years and many life experiences down the road from that.

 

As for him not wanting you....I mean again....why such negative self talk. To be really frank....neither one of you is a catch right now as you are both going through a divorce and people dealing with that just are all over the place emotionally and so do not make good partners or even good dating material. My point is that this isn't about him rejecting you so much as neither one of you being in a good place to be getting involved in anything serious with anyone at all. He is good for a hook up, he isn't good for anything else. That's where he is at. What I hope you are learning from this is that hookups are not a good idea for you because you will get attached.

 

I hold on to it because he was my first everything. I was hoping 10 years would have changed us both but it didn't. I have no plans to unblock him or reach out to him ever again. I feel kind of bad and guilty about abruptly disappearing. But I had to get out before I got hurt. Right now it's an ego thing - honestly. I do love him, but I realize it's just never going to be. I just want to know how he's taking my silence so that I can boost my bruised ego? If that makes sense.

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I hold on to it because he was my first everything. I was hoping 10 years would have changed us both but it didn't. /QUOTE]

 

While first experiences can really teach us a lot, they are also often far from the best ones. A lot of folks attach much more emotional nostalgia to first loves than they're truly worth. This seems to be one of those cases.

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what it's worth, I have 100% accepted that whatever relationship we had is over, and I am not interested in being friends with him
Good looking after yourself.

 

(at least not right now).
Lolzzz.

 

Your first quote is you accepting what you need to do.

Your second quote is you not accepting what you need to do and renders the conviction you THINK you made in that first quote, useless.

 

He said he just wanted to be single,

 

Zero contact will hopefully rehab you enough to accept that you can do better than a guy that just wants to do you. Zero contact means you stop creeping his social media and inventing hopeful scenerios in your head... as well as no texting, phone calls, emailing, skype, snail mail, or notes attached to carrier pigeons.

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I just want to know how he's taking my silence so that I can boost my bruised ego? If that makes sense. He's not going to soothe your bruised ego. You will have to rely on yourself alone, with time and distance away from him and the failed attempt of returning to a newer version of your past.

 

Attempt to achieve a mindset of what he thinks or feels is no longer your concern. I did OLD for several years. To some men, I was their cup of tea, and to others, I was not. It had nothing to do with my worth. Sometimes guys will mask what they really want from you and put on a good show until they get what they want and then they leave. I've been duped, myself, or wanted more from someone when they didn't share my dating goals. It's not fun, so I can relate.

 

You'll start feeling better when you tear the rear-view mirror off and book it on down a new road. Good luck.

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You said you had a toxic relationship from the get go. Then you met your soon to be ex husband & he, his soon to be ex wife.

 

Do you think you have misplaced feelings of love in this guy? romanticizing the past with him? Assuming he matured, but you never really talked, it was more physical?

 

You said he was mean when you professed your feelings. That's not mature or caring at all.

 

Be glad this guy is gone. He's told you flat out what he wants- to be single. Any interactions you have with him from that moment on is a signal that you accept a FWB situation.

 

But he's not even a friend enough to let you down easy or to show care when discussing your feelings.

 

Don't be controlled by your ego. Participatong in little high school chasing games, as an adult, is not acting mature either.

 

Work on yourself & heal your ego (which is to basically check your ego). Once you do, you'll naturally raise your standards and recognize this guy for what he is... immature and emotionally inept.

 

And no one has time for that....

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Good looking after yourself.

 

Lolzzz.

 

Your first quote is you accepting what you need to do.

Your second quote is you not accepting what you need to do and renders the conviction you THINK you made in that first quote, useless.

 

 

 

Zero contact will hopefully rehab you enough to accept that you can do better than a guy that just wants to do you. Zero contact means you stop creeping his social media and inventing hopeful scenerios in your head... as well as no texting, phone calls, emailing, skype, snail mail, or notes attached to carrier pigeons.

 

Huh? There's no reason to be rude. I'm asking if this could be taken as a sign. And honestly, with him being a narcissist, I do believe this is him trying to regain control of his supply (me). I'm genuinely curious, and genuinely NOT heartbroken about this guy. It was fleeting. A fling. I have no plans whatsoever in the foreseeable future to contact him. He's blocked everywhere. I don't know what the future holds as far as any type of relationship with him, but yes right now it's a no go.

 

I don't know how the wires got crossed for you. Maybe trolling people who are genuinely seeking advice on a relationship forum is not a conducive hobby for you.

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Huh? There's no reason to be rude.
No my intention. You contradicting yourself just made me chuckle.

 

I'm asking if this could be taken as a sign. And honestly, with him being a narcissist, I do believe this is him trying to regain control of his supply (me).
Has he been formerly diagnosed as being a narcissist? If not, then diagnosing him yourself, I realize is a bit of salve to your ego (afterall diagnosing someone makes it on them, not you for your own bad choices) but it really does nothing to help you to self reflect on why you would spend any time with such a jerk.

 

I'm genuinely curious, and genuinely NOT heartbroken about this guy. It was fleeting. A fling. I have no plans whatsoever in the foreseeable future to contact him.
Well, that's a little more like closing the door than your first declaration. Even though you've still left it open a crack with that "foreseeable future" bit.

 

He's blocked everywhere.
Yes but you have been known to unblock him in the past, no?

 

I don't know what the future holds as far as any type of relationship with him,
Whoops there you go again. Do you really want to even wonder what a future would hold. Are you actually going to ponder that when you think he's a "narcissist." People with good self worth, self esteem and solid personal boundaries in place would not ever consider opening the door again to someone they thought was a narc.
but yes right now it's a no go.
Thank about that statement. Don't you think it should read

"it's a no go ever?"

 

I don't know how the wires got crossed for you.
Well, I've explained again up above.

Maybe trolling people who are genuinely seeking advice on a relationship forum is not a conducive hobby for you.
Were you looking for advice and unbiased opinions or just what you wanted to hear? (serious question).
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I'm asking if this could be taken as a sign. And honestly, with him being a narcissist, I do believe this is him trying to regain control of his supply (me).

 

I don't mean what I'm about to say antagonistically, at all. But if you look closely at what you just wrote? Well, there is a shade of "narcissism" to it, since it's making his behavior about you, and thus reinforcing some sense of power or identity as being his "supply" or something he wants to "regain control" of.

 

No, that is not me diagnosis you as narcissist, but just to suggest that the moment we are using such loaded terms to process these sorts of things is the moment we should just step back, way back, since a lot of what we describe as "toxic," in terms of romance, is a dynamic that amplifies the "narcissistic" traits that reside in all of us humans.

 

If the picture was an intentional sign? That should only be further evidence that this is not a man to continue to invest mental and emotional energy in, as doing so would be to reward an inner streak of narcissism at the expense of your more genuine nature. If the picture is just something posted by some doofus who was a doofus in high school? Same conclusion.

 

The win here, I think, is seeing it through that lens.

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Your situation really reminds me of something similar years ago, except I was in your ex's shoes.

 

I took what I thought was a really cool shot and posted it as my social media profile pic. Thought absolutely nothing more about it. A few days later, this guy I'd dated briefly contacted me all excited thinking that I want to reconcile because I had posted that pic and it was clearly a sign to him because the pic was of a hobby we have in common.

 

You know what I thought about that OP? It wasn't complimentary to say the least. I thought he was off his rocker, cray cray. I mean if I wanted to reach out to him, I have his contact info. I was also quite a bit creeped out by the whole thing. My point is please do not assume things like that and do not humiliate yourself in the process. The guy posted the pic likely because he thought it was cool and not because you have an obsession with skulls (hobby, passion don't mean this in a negative way) and not as some weird smoke signal to you.

 

Also if you think he is a narcissist....why would you want to be his supply? Serious question and please, don't bs yourself with he was your first everything. When a child carries around their stuffed toy for comfort, it's cute, when an adult does that it stops being cute. When you are still very young, romanticizing your first relationship is normal, once you are an adult a decade later...it's problematic.

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Also if you think he is a narcissist....why would you want to be his supply? Serious question and please, don't bs yourself with he was your first everything. When a child carries around their stuffed toy for comfort, it's cute, when an adult does that it stops being cute. When you are still very young, romanticizing your first relationship is normal, once you are an adult a decade later...it's problematic.

And if he is a narc, it's even more reason to not allow this to take up any more head space.

If it was his dubious plan, then you just fell for it.

Be better than that. He's not worth your valuable time.

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