Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: How do I respond to this?

  1. #1

    How do I respond to this?

    Hi all,

    Hope you don't mind me asking for some advice here today. Sorry in advance for the essay.

    For the past few months, I (22F) have been seeing some (24M) I met online. We both were clear when we first met that we were looking for a relationship and were not interested in hooks up or flings. In hindsight, the relationship probably did progress too quickly. However, we both really liked each other and were exclusive after around a month. He told me soon after that he was depressed and had been for a while. I had a conversation with him about it and it seemed he was managing his condition well, e.g. taking medication, going to therapy, exercising and talking to his support network regularly. I did not want to let this put me off him and didn't judge him for being unwell. I also felt his honesty about it might have been a good sign.

    For the first couple of months, things were going very well. We were both very happy and seemed to becoming more comfortable with and more trusting of each other. However, last weekend, we travelled to another city to have dinner with my sister and her partner. However, on the way there we had a difference of opinion. Things did get slightly heated, but we were by no means in a full blown argument in the street, it was merely a disagreement. As we were walking towards the spot where we had planned to meet them, he turned away and stormed off saying he "couldn't deal with it." I was really humiliated and felt awful having to tell my sister he wouldn't be coming after all, but let him go and did not chase him.

    We spoke by text later on in the day about him walking away but he seemed defensive rather than apologetic. I told him I would be going out with a friend for the evening and would be leaving him to cool down for a while. He didn't respond to this and ignored me for two days. On the third day, I decided to text him and say we needed to talk. He responded with a sincere apology and told me he just didn't even know what to say to me after having some time to think about what he'd done because he knew how awful and embarrassed he must have made me feel and was ashamed. We spoke on the phone that night and he told me he felt his depression was worse than he'd initially let on and was not managing it well which is what he says made him do what he did at the weekend. He said he didn't feel he could be in a relationship at this time. I was initially upset by this and tried to convince him to change his mind (stupid I know, but my feelings got the better of me on that occasion). However, I accepted his decision after a while, knowing deep down that he was probably right. We texted and agreed we'd stay in occasional contact. That was two days ago, we haven't spoken since.

    He has now changed his Whatsapp picture to a cartoon of character saying "so I guess this is rock bottom eh" and posted a close friends only instagram story saying that he hates himself because he pushes away the people he loves and hates himself for it and regrets what he does every time.

    I don't know how to respond to this. I know I should not let him treat me badly but I really wanted this to work out. I partly feel like this is a rather manipulative way of trying to get my attention because he is feeling lonely and angry that I have accepted his decision and committed myself to moving on. On the other hand, I really care for him still and am worried about what he might do.

    Do I respond? Do I ignore him?

    Thank you all for your help in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,555
    Gender
    Male
    I'm really sorry to hear about this.

    What I want to tell you, first and foremost, is that you sound like a truly awesome person with a wildly intelligent head and heart. Rare stuff, that, and stuff that is only going to serve you well in life, in love.

    Sadly—and I think you know this—he is not someone who can see that, cherish it, and nourish it. Does his depression play a role in all that? Sure, probably. Along with basic immaturity? Yeah, I'd add that into the stew. Regardless of how you or he—or me—wants to diagnosis it, he has shown you, clear as day, that he handles the basic business of living in a way that is going to make your own life hard. Walking away in a huff and puff, leaving you high and dry—uncool. Being defensive after those dramatics—deeply uncool. Honestly, the "coolest" thing he's done—the only real sign of respect and maturity—has been in admitting that he doesn't have it in him to give you what you need and deserve. That right there is the kindest, most honest offering he has, so I say listen to it, and only it.

    As for the WhatsApp/IG stuff? No, you don't respond, since that is not him communicating with you. That's just him flailing, in a way that is not cute and is, yes, manipulative. Though only manipulative if you allow it. Think of the age-old cliche of the heartbroken guy at the end of the bar, cursing his ex-wife over whiskey—that's all that stuff is, the #2020 digital version. His business, not yours.

    Your business? Tending to that head and heart, so they stay strong, resilient, tender. Give yourself the love he didn't have to give—and, in giving yourself that, you'll heal and prepare yourself for a connection with someone who is in a healthier head- and heartspace.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,817
    Gender
    Female
    I have to agree with blue that him recognizing that he is too messed up to be in a relationship and ending things with you was truly kind and mature and the right thing to do.

    As for you continuing to follow him on social media and trying to read into what he is posting and make it about yourself - don't. I understand that you are hurting, but please don't make his posts about yourself because they are not. It's not him being manipulative, it's you manipulating yourself by creating this story about how he must be upset that you should have fought for him harder and so on. No, he is just venting about himself and his struggles and they are his own business not yours. There is nothing for you to respond to because his struggles are not about you. If it's going to affect you this way, then please do yourself a favor and just unfollow him so you can heal and move on.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,071
    Gender
    Male
    It's only a few weeks of dating and you have learned important things about him. He wants both pity for his issues then turns around and blames plain old bad behavior on them.

    Do not play social worker or therapist. He has friends family doctors and therapists. Keep in mind people with mental health issues do not simply turn into rude jerks. Do not date people you have to fix, mother or pity.

    Most of all ask your friends and family what they think of his rude stunt. You can trust them more than someone who flies off the handle at your expense. He is bad news and you got a taste of that.
    Originally Posted by cakequeen1
    last weekend, we travelled to another city to have dinner with my sister and her partner. As we were walking towards the spot where we had planned to meet them, he turned away and stormed off saying he "couldn't deal with it." I know I should not let him treat me badly but I really wanted this to work out.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    3,580
    Gender
    Male
    You both recognized the connection wasn't working and called it for what it was, which is honest and fair of you both. I would advise against looking at his social media posts as it will only pull you back into the head and heart space from which you are trying to move on. Let it go with grace, reclaim your path, and move forward. This was simply not a match for you that was meant to last.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,376
    Originally Posted by cakequeen1
    I don't know how to respond to this. I know I should not let him treat me badly but I really wanted this to work out. I partly feel like this is a rather manipulative way of trying to get my attention because he is feeling lonely and angry that I have accepted his decision and committed myself to moving on.

    Do I respond? Do I ignore him?
    There's nothing to respond to, in the sense that he didn't contact you directly. Is it a cry for attention? Possibly. But that doesn't mean you need to think of as a respond-vs.-ignore situation. He's doing his own thing; there's no reaction needed from you. It might not even be aimed directly at you but a misguided call for anyone's attention. He's lacking emotional maturity and I wouldn't pay any attention to it.

    He knows that deep-down, he can't give you the relationship you're understandably seeking. So he does something that sabotages it and uses that as his springboard out. He knows he's like this. Believe him when he says he can't be with you. Your best bet is stop following his social media so you can give yourself space to heal.


Videos


Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •