Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: She has a new man long distance but we talk everyday..

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    11

    She has a new man long distance but we talk everyday..

    Me and my ex met in 2017, dated a bit and it was amazing but i Ended it after a couple months due to personal issues and it was kinda messy... her heart was broken and she was hurt. Later than year she dates a guy, called J. They were serious for about 2 months but it ended bc it got boring and she still liked me. Over that next year, we would flirt on/off and send intimate texts to each other as we were both still very attracted to each other. That summer 2018, we reconnect, become close friends and fall in love and start our relationship and it was the best thing ever. We were so sure we wanted each other forever.

    7 months later in April 2019, she breaks up bc she simply just did not feel the same anymore. She was depressed and going through a bunch so I understood kinda. After that, her feelings kept popping up for me and we unofficially dated until end of 2019. She told me she loved me again in October and moved away until August 2020. She always told me she loves me, im the love of her life, cant wait for our future, no one gets her/knows her like I do and its an honour to love me etc. but end of 2019, she said she cant get over how I hurt her in 2017 and ended it.

    A month later, she said she caught feelings for J again last summer (they had stayed friends for a good while, even during our official relationship and she always only saw him as a friend and said it was "nothing" what they had in 2017 and laughed at the idea of dating him again, to me and to her best friend too. He always liked her though) and ignored them but he opened up end of 2019 and she realised she still felt the same. So 2 months of them "talking" they end up in a LDR officially and committed/exclusive. Its been 2 weeks now and theyre still LDR. My ex wants to stay friends and we talk everyday a lot, she says Im an important person in her life.

    All my friends say shes confused and bored being long distance, and thats fair as she hates her new country and feels trapped there so he is her only source of happiness rn.

    I do want her back and want to give it a shot rather than giving up and quitting on her. Recently she said she forgives me for 2017 and is 100% over it now, and when she thinks of me now she thinks of how safe and important I made her feel that she comes to the point of tears... "but at the end of the day I just lost feelings and that happens" ... (before, she would say 2017 tainted her image of me forever, so this was nice to hear) Our connection was/is much stronger than her and her new bf's and we've never loved someone so much before but what can I do to get her back?

    Edit: He has a serious chronic illness which shortens his life, and it gives her a lot of anxiety, to the point that one time last week she said she was close to leaving him bc she feels she signed herself up for a life of heartache... but couple days later said she felt at peace with it and is trusting in the universe bc it lead her heart and soul to this situation, so has something valuable to teach her ie how to be more selfelss and compassionate. She still does get a lot of anxiety about it though.

    Another thing is, last night, I went to see if my friend followed this girl who posts revealing pictures on instagram, just so I could make fun of him for it, and I found that her new bf follows her and it was a recent follow too. I showed her as a funny coincidence and she did say she felt some kinda way about it but it didnt bother tooo much. She also said "why do bad things happen to good people" but later backtracked and said "I actually dont care" ... i know she is the type to overthink about it and he did follow quite a few of these girls recently, so it does seem kinda disrespectful of him. When we were together I know it wouldve been something she wouldnt have liked anyway, so I strayed away from doing such things. Mostly because I didnt want to disrespect her and didnt have interest in them anyway. She is an overthinker as I said so we'll see what happens. there is still 5 months until she comes back

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,659
    Same woman?
    [Register to see the link]

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    11
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Yeah I posted in the wrong forum by accident

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,659
    Originally Posted by JohnJ786
    Yeah I posted in the wrong forum by accident
    What has changed in the month since you posted the previous thread I linked?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,468
    Gender
    Male
    Can I ask how old you are? I get her age (21) from your last post, and I'm assuming this J is the 24-year-old, but I'm curious about you.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    11
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What has changed in the month since you posted the previous thread I linked?
    They are in a relationship now, she told me she realises what happened in 2017 wasn't my fault and forgives me for it, before she would see 2017 and it would taint her image of me, it was also the reason why she ended things w me end of 2019 as she couldnt get over it, and she said if she realised back then what she realises about what happened in 2017 now (how I was manipulated etc) it wouldnt have affected her as much, but now she says when she thinks of me, she thinks of someone who made her feel so safe and so important that it "makes her cry" .. she is also more open to speaking with me everyday, as we do talk every single day at some point. She expressed her anxiety over being with him, due to his medical condition and considered ending it with him, but decided to remain strong etc, last night about him following "sexy" instagram girls, she felt a bit weird about it and said she wonders if it was before or after they were exclusive but later said "I actually dont care" etc.. I know she cares though as I dated her for a long time and it is something that would bother her lmao. But anyway, yeah thats where I am right now.

    When I was in hospital yesterday, her man has been in the same hospital too being tested for covid-19 (hes fine) but she said "Omg two men in the same hospital <3" but said she was joking... the fact she would joke me as being one of her "men" is kinda funny to me haha...

    But anyway, yeah thats whats been going on for the past month.

    She also said they dont talk about very serious topics. And that when he asked her to be in a relationship, she saw it as nice as she is focusing on the present with him, than looking for the future, if that makes sense? I do know the future does worry her though, knowing that his condition will just decline.. She said she's trying to make peace with it now and trust in the universe and in God so I guess that;s nice, but the anxiety does drive her a bit crazy so we'll see how she gets on. She said she appreciates me talking to her bout these things as she cant talk to anyone about it, only me.

    Also , maybe a day before they started being in a relationship, she was freaking out about her job and asked me to call her as I calm her so much (we ended up not calling bc she felt okay after a while) and sometimes yesterday she would say I calm her a lot too

    I guess thats all but I definitely missed some points

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    11
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can I ask how old you are? I get her age (21) from your last post, and I'm assuming this J is the 24-year-old, but I'm curious about you.
    I am 22, turning 23 in a couple months.

    I keep seeing signs that I am much more mature than this new guy though ie being able to be open and honest with her, not thirsting over tiktok/twitch girls, have a more put together life, career and future etc as he doesnt really seem to have a set career or future in his sights (he is a tour assistant at a beer factory I believe). Sorry not trying to sound condescending I guess feelings are feelings but I do feel good about myself about things and who I am

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    38,413
    Gender
    Male
    It would be best to get out of this. You are just collateral damage in her on/off situation with her local guy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,468
    Gender
    Male
    I hope what I'm about to say doesn't sound patronizing—since, like you, I'm just a dude trying to make heads or tails out of this business of being a person in the world. I have, however, been flipping the coin for 18 more years.

    This whole thing you're describing? It's life in the sandbox. Drama. It's fun, consuming, agonizing, and par for the course. She's 21, probably pretty attractive, and she's just going with those winds right now, bouncing around and seeking attention from a zillion sources that don't really serve her. Not a crime, but honestly? It's not that cute, and not a toehold to lean on in trying to climb your own wall toward a more mature self.

    Less poetically? Sure, you can use her, and him, as mirrors that allow you to see a more mature version of yourself, but here's the thing? Those are fun house mirrors. After all, who are you right now? You're a guy talking to a girl with a boyfriend, trying to throw shade on her relationship and trigger some insecurities (the same insecurities that were the undoing of your thing with her) by letting her know her dude is thirsty for social media thirst traps. You can't claim high ground when you're swimming in the same swamps, you dig?

    You're coming up on three years—three years!—of this being the consuming and formative romantic story of your young life. No shame in that, but it is a fact. Look closely at those years, look at them like a surgeon, and I think you'll see that the periods when it's actually felt real, and healthy, and forward-moving, are very, very brief. Little stints of a few months that blow up or go south in one way or another. That's a pattern. Past patterns help us get an idea of what the future holds. Patterns, over time, become us, like wet concrete drying, and hardening into rock.

    So I say put her and him to the side, and ask yourself a question: Is this who you want to be? You've got all the time in the world to grow up, so, hey, if you want to stay on this carousel a bit longer, go for it. But it's just that: a carousel, a rollercoaster, a county fair. The sticky feeling in your spirit? It's like the gum that gets stuck to the soles of your shoes when you stay at the fair too long, or the sugar that rots the teeth.

    It's kind of like you're practicing how to be mature, open, honest but in a very immature setting. Which, yeah, is sometimes how life goes: at 22, at 32, at 42. As such, though, there comes a point when that practice as the very opposite effect that you're aiming for. Think of a kid learning to ride a bike with training wheels. If he or she doesn't eventually remove the training wheels, what happens? He or she becomes an older kid who only knows how to ride with training wheels. Not the cutest, and limited, both in terms of movement and fulfillment, to say nothing of maturity.

    I get that letting go of all this—like, for real—is an intimidating thought. But I suspect that if you let it go you'll end up getting what you really want—not with her, no, but that won't matter because what you have will be bigger than this: a 10-speed, cruising through mountains, not the training wheels skidding out in the sandbox.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    7,918
    Gender
    Male
    She has a bf but talks to you everyday? You by the way that wants to be her bf so do you think she wouldn't do the same to you? I wonder how many guys she has on a string right now other than you?

    I agree with bluecastle on this one. All this is distracting you from your life and meeting someone you can trust and have a REAL relationship with.

    Stop all the highschool Harry crap and cut her loose. It will leave a void because of the imagined relationship you have guilt in your head with her but back in reality you will soon start living your life and trying to meet new women.

    Lost

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •