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Thread: Finding yourself

  1. #1
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    Finding yourself

    How do you even start to find yourself and love yourself again? Just getting out of a 9 year relationship...to which he is already in a relationship and moved on with another woman. Literally like 2 weeks after our split. I'm trying to do things the right way and grieve before I bring another man into my life. ITS HARD. You naturally just yearn for the affection and really the validation of someone else. I have no prospects... lol but I know I don't need any for a while. Its only been two months, and even though you want to just move on into someone else's arms, its really not fair to yourself or even the new person. Grief is the worst feeling in the world. I just sit at home, and just stew on everything. I'm bitter I suppose... that he's off happy with another person and I am simply not. How is it so easy for him to A.) Move on so quickly and B.) FIND someone so quickly. It just doesn't seem fair. My mind is a million different places. It seems that someone that I am a little interested in is not interested at all... And that's a double whammy in my feelings for myself. It makes me feel as though something is wrong with me. Am I a flawed individual? Maybe I'm not as pretty, or good as I think I am.... and that's where self love comes in. HOW DO I GIVE MYSELF SELF LOVE? Where do I even start?

    I have a 4 year old that really keeps me occupied, but then there is night time when he goes to bed and I'm sitting there alone. I just marinate in these negative thoughts and feelings. It feels like a never ending cycle.

    I yearn for someone to just even text me and tell me I'm beautiful. And that's just not happening.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long ago was the breakup? Is he paying child support on a regular basis? Have you petitioned for supervised custody because he is a raging alcoholic?. Do you work? Do you have friends or family around? Delete and block him and arrange for an intermediate to deal with visitation.

    Join some mom/babysitting groups so you can get out more. Join some clubs and groups. Take some courses and classes. Stop focusing on "how he moved on quickly". Creeps like this need a supply of enablers. He's using her like he used you. That's how they operate. Be grateful you escaped from this monster.
    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    Just getting out of a 9 year relationship.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How long ago was the breakup? Is he paying child support on a regular basis? Have you petitioned for supervised custody because he is a raging alcoholic?. Do you work? Do you have friends or family around? Delete and block him and arrange for an intermediate to deal with visitation.

    Join some mom/babysitting groups so you can get out more. Join some clubs and groups. Take some courses and classes. Stop focusing on "how he moved on quickly". Creeps like this need a supply of enablers. He's using her like he used you. That's how they operate. Be grateful you escaped from this monster.

    We have been broken up since November 5th. He does not see our son unless he is at his grandfathers house. Its been a roller-coaster.

  4. #4
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    I, too, am so very sorry that you are going through this terrible heartache. I know exactly how you feel (I was married for 29 years; divorced for almost one year). I am the dumpee. You are experiencing such painful feeling and emotions. You are full of "Why..." and How...". Please know that all of that is normal. We are human and therefore we have feelings. We've suffered a serious loss and now our entire world has fallen apart. So many of us have been through such a loss.

    I am afraid that there is no quick fix. Since it's only been two months, you are still in the grieving process. You need to go through these steps before you can move on. Your relationship was so long, so you need to give yourself time to heal. I can tell you that I feel so much better than I did a year ago; you will too, in time.

    My ex already had a gf eleven days after I moved out. How is that possible? Simple: he was looking for a gf before he told me that he wanted a divorce. He had already checked out of the marriage, unbeknownst to me. I was blindsided; he was not. He was in control of the situation. I imagine that same scenario happened with your ex. Like Wiseman said, do not focus on "how he moved so quickly". It serves no purpose al all other than to get you upset and keep you on square one. Focus on yourself and your little one. I promise you that time will heal your broken heart. Time is the magic key.

    In case you are not familiar with the stages of grieving, here is a link: [Register to see the link]

    Follow Wiseman's advice regarding the clubs and groups. That will help you to move on. Focus on all the good that you have in your life, like your precious little boy. Talk to a close friend or close family member. Hang in there - you can and will get through this. Baby steps, OK?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    Just getting out of a 9 year relationship...to which he is already in a relationship and moved on with another woman. Literally like 2 weeks after our split.
    Hmm...Oh dear....I think you should stay tuned on that one....Time heals all wounds and reveals all secrets....

    It may work out, but I wouldn't go betting any money on it*
    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    I'm trying to do things the right way and grieve before I bring another man into my life. ITS HARD. You naturally just yearn for the affection and really the validation of someone else. I have no prospects... lol but I know I don't need any for a while. Its only been two months, and even though you want to just move on into someone else's arms, its really not fair to yourself or even the new person.
    One of the hardest things we as humans have to endure....But your philosophy is correct...Some alone time now is definitely going to be valuable as you build a new foundation..

    Being single has it's perks so enjoy that whilst you can*
    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    Grief is the worst feeling in the world.
    Pretty much, yeh....I'm not a huge fan of it myself....It's painful, draining and ongoing....But it does eventually subside, especially if you take the right steps to navigate through it...Stay healthy, your body will need good health to support you through this....Eat and sleep the best you can. Stay off the alcohol!
    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    I'm bitter I suppose... that he's off happy with another person and I am simply not. How is it so easy for him to A.) Move on so quickly and B.) FIND someone so quickly.
    Yep, that's usually how it goes....Mainly because the other person has checked out of the relationship well before we even know what's happening...What seems to come 'out of the blue' for us is many times not the case for them....

    But as for him being all happy with someone else, yeh sure, the honeymoon stage is always the best stage of a relationship....Time will tell....You just focus on what YOU need to do going forward and we’ll see where your at compared to him in 6 months to a year....(hopefully you won't really care too much by then anyway)....
    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    It seems that someone that I am a little interested in is not interested at all... And that's a double whammy in my feelings for myself. It makes me feel as though something is wrong with me.
    That's why it's never really a good idea to date whilst you're still in a fragile state....Any slight rejection can cause more pain, and not all relationships get off the ground...

    Here's some videos for you to watch to keep you occupied for a while....Hope they help:
    [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    I have a 4 year old that really keeps me occupied, but then there is night time when he goes to bed and I'm sitting there alone. I just marinate in these negative thoughts and feelings. It feels like a never ending cycle.
    Well that's kinda good really....That's how you process it....You have to feel it to heal it....Not push it all away with distractions....Eventually your mind and body will level up*
    Originally Posted by Jezz143
    I yearn for someone to just even text me and tell me I'm beautiful. And that's just not happening.
    You are beautiful*

    Carus*

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Hmm...Oh dear....I think you should stay tuned on that one....Time heals all wounds and reveals all secrets....

    It may work out, but I wouldn't go betting any money on it*

    One of the hardest things we as humans have to endure....But your philosophy is correct...Some alone time now is definitely going to be valuable as you build a new foundation..

    Being single has it's perks so enjoy that whilst you can*

    Pretty much, yeh....I'm not a huge fan of it myself....It's painful, draining and ongoing....But it does eventually subside, especially if you take the right steps to navigate through it...Stay healthy, you body will need good health to support you through this....Eat and sleep the best you can. Stay off the alcohol!

    Yep, that's usually how it goes....Mainly because the other person has checked out of the relationship well before we even know what's happening...What seems to come 'out of the blue' for us is many times not the case for them....

    But as for him being all happy with someone else, yeh sure, the honeymoon stage is always the best stage of a relationship....Time will tell....You just focus on what YOU need to do going forward and we;ll see where your at compared to him in 6 months to a year....(hopefully you won't really care too much by then anyway)....

    That's why it's never really a good idea to date whilst you're still in a fragile state....Any slight rejection can cause more pain, and not all relationships get off the ground...

    Here's some videos for you to watch to keep you occupied for a while....Hope they help:
    [Register to see the link]

    Well that's kinda good really....That's how you process it....You have to feel it to heal it....Not push it all away with distractions....Eventually your mind and body will level up*

    You are beautiful*

    Carus*
    Beautifully said, Carus!

  8. #7
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    It's really likely that his new relationship will disintegrate. Sounds like a rebound thing. They don't last.

    He doesn't have a child, and you do. That makes dating again hugely difficult.

    I know exactly how you feel because I was in a similar situation about eight years ago. Marriage broke up, I felt very lonely. I did all the things you are recommended but they aren't the same as an actual romance. Someone saying that they find YOU unique, special and important. I'd love ve to be able to sugar coat that but I can't. Joining the tennis club is not the same thing as someone touching your cheek with adoration.

    But you will get there.

    You start - not by loving yourself - but by not hating yourself. Treat yourself well. Eat, sleep, exercise, dress to impress and show the world your best side. That can be really tough when you feel you have no one to impress, but it makes a big difference. The less defeated you behave, the more in control of the situation you will feel. That gives you confidence, and that's a really attractive quality.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I just sit at home, and just stew on everything.
    So nobody needs to tell you that that's not the way to do anything but drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    I'd vow to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to make 2020 my best possible year ever. I'd rekindle all the relationships in my life with people who I've neglected, and I'd use the Internet to research every kind of self development and self help avenues I can pursue. I'd make a list of goals, and I'd work toward them. If that means hiring some child care for specific needs, I'd do that.

    This doesn't minimize the importance of grief, and while I'd schedule occasional boo-hoos with my tissue box, I'd limit that time because my schedule would be far too busy to stay there for too long.

    Head high, you can do this.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    “The soul is healed by being with children.”
    ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

    Share and receive love with your 4 year old. That is something that cannot ever be broken and these years are precious.
    Be your kids rock for a year or two as you heal. Then you can be truly over your ex and be in a good emotional state to start a new loving relationship.
    If you skip the above step, it is possible that you will be hurt again.

    Hugs

  11. #10
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    I have been in a similar situation, where the break up of a four month casual relationship hurt more than any other breakup! It is truly awful, and I really do feel for you. The very first thing I did when I broke up with the boy was delete everything.

    In the meantime, do all the regular break up things. Journal, work out, get together with friends, find someone mature to talk it out with, learn a new skill, get busy in whatever way is appropriate.

    And if you’re really stuck, get professional counseling.

  12. 01-15-2020, 12:43 PM

  13. 03-09-2020, 10:16 AM

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