Tell me if I'm wrong

I would like to get others opinions on my situation what would you do how would you react if you were in my situation ... I will give a very brief backstory to this my husband and I have been together for several years we are a Old Flame love from about 20 years ago he is my yin to my yang he's me in a boy's body I love him truly dearly with all my heart and that's why this is absolutely destroying me.

We play on a competitive pool League (Billiards to be exact 8 Ball team) together that we started about 4 years ago. Throughout the years there have been times that I had other things going on and was not always as committed to being there as I should be considering I am the co-captain and my husband is the captain my husband has mentioned this to me several times in our conversations so a few months ago I had told him I was going to make the commitment to be there more and to be more of an active co-captain because I really love playing with him and competing in pool we've done very well on our team.

The last session after I had made my commitment I was there a couple of weeks I did get sick and missed a week and the following week my husband chose to add a new player to our team without discussing it with me at all at this point that did hurt my feelings because it made me feel like it didn't matter. So from that point I chose to not go to any more of the Monday night matches that were scheduled for that session I at some point during the session towards the end explain to my husband that I had not been there because he had hurt my feelings by adding this person to the team without discussing it with me.

So the session is coming to a close I express to my husband that the new person that he had added to the team was an individual that I didn't care for very much I didn't like him I didn't like the way he made me feel I felt that he was rather disrespectful to the couple of times I was around him. EXAMPLE: the 2nd or 3rd time I was around him he walked right up to my husband shook his hand and turned his back on me and never even said hello or even looked my way.

So fast forward beginning of a new session of which I explain to my husband that I would really appreciate it if he would remove this person from the team because he did make me uncomfortable and I did not care for him very much and I know my husband pretty well I figured that he was going to have some apprehensions about how he would remove this person from the team without feeling like a jerk so I gave him a couple of scenarios that would basically be very good excuses that would keep him in the clear as a good guy and not make him seem weak for listening to his wife. All in all I was concerned about saving his reputation as a person in general.

Here's the rub upon offering those scenarios to my husband so that everything could unfold accordingly and everybody would be happy and there wouldn't be any volatile Feelings by anyone my husband chose to tell me that he was not going to ask this person to find a different team to play with and I told him that if he was going to keep him on the team then I wouldn't play that remember we've been playing competitively for about 4 years it's what we've always done together it's our thing and all because he decided that he just didn't want to wrong this person he basically told me to get over it and get over myself deal with it and when I explained to him that I could not so I would no longer be playing alongside him on the team he accepted that and has been playing 5 weeks continually without me there and doesn't see anything wrong with that. What's worse is it makes me feel as if he could care less if I'm there or not....he says "you made that choice to not come play, so don't get mad at me!" I tell him that he choose this person over me therefore he choose this. I'll be honest I feel completely betrayed and have lost trust in my husband and his willingness to stand by me or to respect my feelings. If I'm wrong then I'm wrong but I really don't feel as if I am.

Now my husband is the kind of person that casual friendships don't really mean a lot he always says if so and so was gone tomorrow I wouldn't miss them--- so I'm confused as to how this person means enough to him that he would be okay with me not playing alongside of him for fear of hurting that person's feelings . yet in his mind it's okay to hurt mine. He basically thinks that I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings and that I should just get over myself and play anyway. This is something we done together for years as I said before one of my passions is to get completely dolled up and dressed to the nines so he can show me off because he enjoys that so much or he used to and that makes this even harder because now I don't have anything that we do together during the week like going and competing in playing pool together the two nights a week that we do play or did play and yes I said to we have two teams and 8-ball and 9-ball team and I quit the other one as well because I don't feel like I can play alongside of someone who doesn't consider me worthy enough to act on my feelings or to support my feelings.

so I would like to ask all of you to chime in and let me know what would you do in this situation am I overreacting ? Is it okay for me to be sitting home all week not getting to go out anywhere and do what my husband and I have always done together yet he still goes two nights a week and does the one thing that we love so much together? should I just sweep my feelings under the rug about this person or do I have every right to be upset and hurt and ultimately feel as if I've been betrayed by my husband? Seriously I'm in need of feedback because we are at a very serious blockage here .....I'm emotionally wrecked and depressed so badly...thanks in advance y'all

you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

You were absent from the game , your choice and then don’t like what’s happening in your absence.? Too bad!!

If this was a company you ran with a business partner, would you expect to be told every detail about hiring and firing when you don’t show up for work?

And when you did decide to show up and didn’t like a certain employee not because of his work but attitude towards you , would you expect your business partner to fire him on that grounds???

Would you then quit work and be resentful that your business partner is still working and with this employee?

If you have an issue with this guy , then talk to him! Why are you hiding behind your husbands shadow?

But expect him to do your dirty work?

You are creating this , not your husband. I feel sorry for him!

What are you going to do? At the moment all you are doing is sulking and denying yourself.

So, in brief:

You started to be less committed to the pool league so he got someone in to play. But, you didn't like this person, because he ignored you, so you told you husband to kick him out. You also gave him some scenarios that would make it easy for him to kick him out. But when you husband did not pander to your demands, you got all upset and quit all the teams. And now, you feel betrayed because he would rather spend time doing his passion with someone that is not you.

I think there are some major communication issues in your relationship that need to be resolved. Yes, he should have discussed this other person with you, but you should not be making outrageous demands because of a perceived slight. And now that he won't follow your demands, the levels of your tantrum is increasing and you are now seeing it as a major threat to you pysche.

I would suggest getting yourself and your husband to a couples therapy session and talk through the issues. That therapist should help you grow some communications skills.

Here's the rub upon offering those scenarios to my husband so that everything could unfold accordingly and everybody would be happy and there wouldn't be any volatile Feelings by anyone

Well, no, not really - you would be happy. You wouldn't have any negative feelings. That wouldn't be the same for everyone else.

Yes, I think you are dreadfully overreacting, OP. You admit you weren't really that committed to this anyway recently, so it's not very accurate to now claim it as "your thing" with him and be mortally offended that it's not going your way. You evidently missed so much of it that you he spoke to you about it more than once, and you re-committed. Your own behaviour prior to this suggested you didn't really much care about it; it's a bit rich to then choose this as hill to die on now that someone else has been invited in.

Could your husband have discussed it with you? Sure. But really, if you were consistently disengaged from the activity, your actions were speaking louder than you words. You didn't appear to be interested in what was happening, so I don't think it's a serious gaffe that he decided to invite someone else on board.

You are upset now, but think of how your husband felt when you two were apparently meant to be doing this activity together and you kept missing it. I think a little empathy from you could go a long way here. Rather than throwing a tantrum and being crazy jealous of this new team member, consider that maybe you and your husband have problems that run deeper than just this one activity. That is where the real work needs to be done. There are communication issues between you two, and apparently you're more emotionally disconnected from each other than either of you realize. You can stomp your feet and be mad, or you can try to come together with him to tackle what is really going on here. I can nearly guarantee it's not about billiards in and of itself.

this is absolutely destroying me.

That's way over the top.

Whenever I find myself less committed to something than a partner, the LAST thing I'd do is interfere with his control over a group. He needs reliable people, and I've already made it harder with my absences, so why pile on my own internal 'stuff'? This harms not only that person's ability to lead, it harms our relationship--and for no good reason.

I'd put my big girl pants on and apologize to husband. I'd play nice with the group or withdraw and find something to become passionate about on my own.

Taking husband's choices on running a league personally is juvenile and harnmful. He's committed, you are not. Don't compound that into a problem with narcissism.

You need to develop you own friends and interests and activities. being in your husband's shadow and tagging along isn't working out for you. Start by joining another billiard association/team. Then join some other clubs and groups. Develop yourself more as an individual. Take some fun or career enhancing classes and courses. Get a side hustle job to fill your time and make some extra cash. Volunteer...Library, hospital, shelter, etc. No need to sit home and pout.

So...you flake on being there, even though you are now saying it's you and your husbands "thing" and that's it's really important to you. But back when you kept missing, you expected your husband to not say anything.

He then get's fed up, adds in a new player because your lack of being there is causing the team to not do as well, and then you get mad. So mad, that you basically stomp your foot and say "you're not longer going".

Then, you finally decide to stop sulking, you go, and decide you don't like the new player, (even though it's not about you and this is a game that really has nothing to do with whether you and this man get on or not, because as you've stated several times, this is actually to spend time with your husband).

But even so...you then cause more drama and demand that this man be taken off the team.

Your husband refuses being as it's rude, and this man has done no wrong. I mean, he shows up, he has helped the team, and that's all he's expected to do.

Girlfriend, I'll give it to you straight...you are the one causing drama after drama. You are the one who kept dropping the ball and kept flaking out and then getting mad when you were replaced.

As far as I know, competitive pool does need a certain amount of players and the whole team is worse off if someone doesn't show up. It really does change how well the team is doing.

Even so, I understand that you were not well, but it's still not within your right to stomp your foot and to pout, run off again, expect the new player to be dismissed and then give your husband even more heck for not jumping to your tune asap.

Your husband deserves an apology.

That's my 2 cents.

So from that point I chose to not go to any more of the Monday night matches that were scheduled for that session I at some point during the session towards the end explain to my husband that I had not been there because he had hurt my feelings by adding this person to the team without discussing it with me.

There are also several other sayings that would apply to you:

1. You are what you eat.

2. Revenge is best served cold.

3. You got what you asked for.

4. Think twice, act once.

5. You made your own bed now you lie in it.

In other words, you are the author of your own misfortune. If you want to continue to play then get yourself on another team if you don't like the new player and stop "cutting off your own nose to spite your face." Your husband owes you nothing here and your bad feelings are due to your own doing. Your continued holding onto these feelings you caused in YOURSELF are causing an emotion disconnect between you and your husband so cut it out, get back out there and play on. You and husband will still be playing your fav game and you'll be able to socialize together afterwards.

I would suggest getting yourself and your husband to a couples therapy session and talk through the issues. That therapist should help you grow some communications skills.

I ask you, why do you not put the best interests of the team for a minute instead of just your own need to get what you want?

Yes, you are so wrong it's not even funny. Your behavior is really unacceptable, not to mention rude, unreasonable, irrational, and vindictive. At the end of the day, only person you are hurting with your own behavior is yourself. Cutting off your nose to spite your face summarizes this situation accurately.

You owe an apology not only to your husband but your entire team or maybe just go ahead and stay away from the game since you seem to act out like a drama queen. Your husband didn't betray you. He was well within rights to add a new player given your overall absenteeism. He didn't need your blessing for that. You then react with rage and hate, try to pick up some absurd imaginary slights this man has committed like he didn't trip over himself to greet you. You are really reaching here, btw. Good on your husband that he actually refused to get rid of him just because you decided to go on some unhinged warpath against him. Then you pitch an even greater tantrum by refusing to participate and falling down even more on your responsibility as co-captain while demonstrating an extreme lack of maturity, sportmanship, and just basic decency.

You created this entire storm for yourself, by yourself, by trying to be a control freak and engaging in a power struggle you have no right to or standing in. This is so off that I really have to wonder what's really going on in your life and your marriage because your behavior and reactions are not normal.

If I'm wrong then I'm wrong but I really don't feel as if I am.

I'll go against the grain here. Your husband was wrong by not consulting you about adding a new member to your group since after all, both of you are co-captains. Both leaders of the group need to make mutual decisions together which is common sense.

However, since your husband refuses to eliminate this new member despite your protests and the new member blatantly disrespects you, I say pick your battles.

Make the best of a bad situation for yourself. Swallow your pride and be a good sport. You can still get all dolled up and be your best well groomed self in public. Then when the rude guy ignores you, kill him with kindness. Be nice. If he gives you the cold shoulder and does an about face, approach him and introduce yourself. Remain pleasant. You don't have to act unnatural as if you're old chums but act natural and be kind. Just because this new guy is an old sour puss, it doesn't mean you have to pout and merely tolerate him. Don't allow an obnoxious person to ruin your day or good time playing billiards. And keep in mind, you can always socialize with others in the group. Don't focus on the rude person in the group. Be with the nice people and stay there.

Also, don't do everything with your husband. Develop other activities whether alone or in groups. Have your own interests and your own set of friends. Don't make your husband your whole world. Diversify your joys, hobbies, sports and socializing.

I've been married for a long time. Take a step back and look at the big picture. Be a harmonious person and be grateful that your husband isn't as "worse" than taking it upon himself to add a new member to the billiard group without consulting you. Compared to my late father's wife beating, cheating, non-child support ways, your husband is a saint. Your troubles are light. Count your blessings.

Okay y'all I asked you to tell me if I am wrong.....And the people have spoken!! Thanks so much for all of the feedback and comments....a bit painful but that is okay.. It is nothing like the hurt that I've been going thru and I was prepared to hear the responses either way!! Otherwise I wouldn't have asked !!! AND yes there are other things that are attached to this but none that change the effect of my behavior enough to be valid reasons to have gone so far LEFT. So not only will I apologize and figure out the next step to healing this....i will allow him to read this for HIS validation --he deserves that----As some of these comments were also things he had expressed.Anyone that knows me is privy to the fact that I don't like crow in any style or serving... I AM a good Person and I DO love my KING with every bit of my heart and soul. He and I always joke about the fact that we love HARD!! As all of us know sometimes things grow and manifest to a point that it becomes all consuming ----I believe that I AM a highly sensitive individual and we do have some serious communication issues. We truly are the same person in every way except emotionally. He is a L.E.O. of 22 yrs and had spent his adult life turning that part of himself off. He tends to be cold and insensitive but I do always try to keep this in mind to keep from going bonkers.😵LOL😁 But it's just very difficult at times....times like this where I just need him to at least let me know that my issue or feelings are meaningful(even if only to me) and I just want or need him to be more supportive while helping me to see things in a different light or maybe beyond myself such as this situation where I've obviously been very selfish amongst other things!!I'm a very open minded individual and to grow as a person is something that I have always craved. I've allowed myself to become frustrated and hurt to a level that has hardened me in a negative way. However this is where the breakdown takes place because for the most part he is almost incapable of helping me to process and work thru things ,situations, events, etc. Which is what is we as partners are for....being there for our person in face of challenges and turmoil but without being condecending, snyde,while reminding me of my past mistakes while being a complete smartass in his demeanor making me feel even smaller. Tough Love is not a 100% fix ..... He always says I'm fine as long as Im right.....honestly that is sooooo not what I care about.....i just want to be heard.i don't care if he agrees with me either as long as I know that what I'm saying, thinking, or feeling holds enough worth to just be recognized, and accepted. I'm gonna risk it here and I'm scared to ask considering the previous town square beatings😭😳😶LOL JK....but is all of that CRAZY or wrong of me to want from him??

thank you and yes you reminded me that I need to focus on the most important one there in the group...ME ...and then enjoy the time with my husband that I do truly cherish.

It's not crazy to ask if you were in fact giving him the same courtesy. But you're not.

You overreacted and threw a tantrum.

If you want to be treated respectfully you must do the same for him.

---------------(even if only to me) and I just want or need him to be more supportive while helping me to see things in a different light or maybe beyond myself such as this situation where I've obviously been very selfish amongst other things!----------------#

Boltnrun*

Pretty sure I recognized that I wasn't doing that for him and i was bringing that up as response to several people mentioning that they thought we had other issues in our relationship.....these being the big ones(only ones)..communication on his part and his emotional disconnect vs. My highly sensitive nature !!!

And BTW those that mentioned it....I am treated with therapy and have been treated on and off from 8 yrs to present diagnosed as having ADHD with acute OCD tendencies, resulting in social anxiety and I've recently been tested for mild PTSD. SO yes I'm a handful....and I do consider myself very blessed that my husband is in my life considering....i fear that he doesn't feel blessed at all. I fear that he will(or already does) hate me because of those things{I believe it's why he communicates with me the way he does}OP

It's not wrong to want to be heard but I fear if he 'handled' (for lack of a better word) you in any other way, when you've been so far left, that he'd just be enabling you. Of course there are going to be circumstances wherein you have felt wronged but have handled things in a mature way. I would hope that he 'hears' you then?

I also think that anyone with less of his own personal boundaries that he won't let you cross, you would never change so be glad he is strong in that way.

if nothing else you've handled what you got served in your thread with grace and perhaps that's a clue to you improving how you react. Maybe write down what you are feeling before you verbalize it and think to yourself: "What would those scoundrels on Enotalone have to say about that." ;) In other words, take a breather and address how you're feeling when you're able to do so more logically rather then with so much emotion.

Cheers.

Pepper13, I see where you're coming from. I would not approve of my husband taking it upon himself to invite a new member into the billiard group without consulting me given that I too am a co-captain. Both leaders obviously need to consult and cooperate with each other in order to make decisions regarding new members to the group. Co-captains are co-managers and managers consult and coordinate with their decision making process in unison. It's not captain. It's co-captains here.

Perhaps there are deeper issues here than just about the billiard activity.

The part that your husband needs to work on is his empathy, considering your feelings, feeling for you and respecting your opinions as his wife.

I know for a fact that my husband consults with me regarding decision making and I know he would if we were co-captains or co-leaders of any group or organization. Even if my husband wasn't a captain, he doesn't take it upon himself to make decisions and choices without consulting with his wife. I'm not referring to insignificant decisions such as buying food or shoes either. I'm referring to informing me about decision making out of respect for me because he values my opinion and he thought of me before making decisions. This is the crux of the matter.

And the gaslighting needs to stop such as comments like this: "You're only fine when you're right." Google "gaslighting." I grew up with gaslighting all my life so I know every manipulative, psychological trick in the book.

I agree with others. Seek professional marriage counseling because this topic is more than just about your sulking due to your husband inviting a new rude member into the billiard group without consulting with you nor your consent. You're co-captains and co-anything needs to coordinate and cooperate with each other. Let's get that straight.

Pepper13, I see where you're coming from. I would not approve of my husband taking it upon himself to invite a new member into the billiard group without consulting me given that I too am a co-captain.

Yeah but would you cut your nose off to spite your face and punish yourself by not going to the very thing you love because of it? I'm sure we can all understand her feeling somewhat slighted but the reaction to that perceived slight is what we are kindly letting her know where she is wrong. And, yes it is kind to tell people when they have asked if they were being their own worst enemy... it's called not enabling.

 

And the gaslighting needs to stop such as comments like this: "You're only fine when you're right."

Yeah but would you cut your nose off to spite your face and punish yourself by not going to the very thing you love because of it? I'm sure we can all understand her feeling somewhat slighted but the reaction to that perceived slight is what we are kindly letting her know where she is wrong. And, yes it is kind to tell people when they have asked if they were being their own worst enemy... it's called not enabling.

 

That is not an example of gas lighting. That is an observation that perhaps the Op shouldn't just dismiss if it means she handles it better when she's not right.

There is a communication and lack of empathy problem and not always just reduced to choosing a rude guy to enter the billiard group without consulting with his co-captain wife. As co-anything, it's a management decision and as co-managers, you don't take it upon yourself to manage by yourself if there's a co-manager. It's the principle of the matter and not valuing his wife's opinion which is a form of disrespect.

And gaslighting is trying to change your perception of the facts including announcements of your mood or mental state regarding the situation. It's people telling you what you are even though you know yourself better than anyone because no one has the right to tell how what you think. The other person is putting their own spin and making you feel there is something wrong with YOU regarding the situation at hand and nothing I hadn't experienced before -- all my life. This is opposed to being humble by humbly admitting by saying to his wife, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I should've asked your opinion regarding inviting the rude guy into our billiard group given that we're co-captains. Had I consulted with you first, perhaps you could've perceived this rude guy wouldn't have been the right fit for the billiard group as a whole. I should've valued your opinion as opposed to choosing the rude guy behind your back unbeknownst to you. Since it's hard to get rid of him, can we just try to make it work?" Something like that would've been acceptable and I could see how a situation including the rude guy could somehow be made better.

Also, the husband could volunteer by actually telling the rude guy to be kind to his wife as opposed to ignoring and doing absolutely nothing about it. I'd appreciate it if my husband went up to bat for me. The husband could do damage control by stepping up, manning up and asking the rude guy to give his wife common courtesy as opposed to giving her the cold shoulder when she did nothing wrong. For example, Pepper13 noted that the rude guy shook her husband's hand yet didn't bother to greet Pepper13 at all. Then the rude guy turned around and acted as if Pepper13 didn't exist. That right there is obnoxiously rude and UNacceptable behavior. Who does the rude guy think he is? That's not the way to treat people co-captain or no co-captain.

Also, the new guy is rude so it was a poor choice to invite a rude guy into the group anyway. That's a bad judgment call and with the wife's opinion, a rude guy invitation could've been thwarted. This rude guy is not good for the group, not just for the OP, Pepper13. No one wants a rude guy as part of any group. I have enough of that with relatives and in-law situations. No one enjoys being with a rude person. Rude and disrespectful people are avoided for a reason.

You haven't said anything different then what I first disagreed on (just more of it) so ... I'll just say this, without malice...

When Op told her husband that she was upset that he had invited someone to join without telling and her husband had said "Oh, you don't remember, I told you last week he would be joining and you seemed fine with it" when if fact he hadn't told her at all... then that would be gaslighting her. (as an example).

"trying to change perceptions of the facts" is correct. Him observing how she is in general is not gaslighting her. He's telling her how he sees her in general which isn't distorting anything if she is indeed like that (which she has basically admitted to being and wanting to change in herself).

I'm sure you'll not agree so I'll bow out and let you have at.

@Pepper. I forgot to mention... Please don't think that the new dude is rude or shunning you in any way just because he didn't introduce himself to you. I think it would have diffused things had your husband actually introduced you to one another but that's now water under the bridge anyway and do yourself a favor and let that go (unless of course he's a complete cad once you get to know him and then you'll have a good reason not to like him.

You haven't said anything different then what I first disagreed on (just more of it) so ... I'll just say this, without malice...

When Op told her husband that she was upset that he had invited someone to join without telling and her husband had said "Oh, you don't remember, I told you last week he would be joining and you seemed fine with it" when if fact he hadn't told her at all... then that would be gaslighting her. (as an example).

 

"trying to change perceptions of the facts" is correct. Him observing how she is in general is not gaslighting her. He's telling her how he sees her in general which isn't distorting anything if she is indeed like that (which she has basically admitted to being and wanting to change in herself).

 

 

I'm sure you'll not agree so I'll bow out and let you have at.

 

@Pepper. I forgot to mention... Please don't think that the new dude is rude or shunning you in any way just because he didn't introduce himself to you. I think it would have diffused things had your husband actually introduced you to one another but that's now water under the bridge anyway and do yourself a favor and let that go (unless of course he's a complete cad once you get to know him and then you'll have a good reason not to like him.

Gaslighting is when other people tell you there is something wrong with you because "you're only fine when you're right." That's a manipulative spin and psychological trick into thinking yes, there is really something wrong with you and you're at fault here. Then you start second guessing yourself until you're thoroughly confused and left stomping out fire after fire. And around and around it goes into vicious circles. Gaslighting is deflecting the blame away from them onto you in an argument and the way you do it is by never admitting fault. You make the other person look like the insane one. Gaslighting is deflecting, throwing you off track, changing the subject so it's not on the other person and instead it's on you. Gaslighting is never owning up to it, never admitting, never taking responsibility and throwing it back in your face because you are the one to blame and at fault, not they. And around and around it goes. It's a wild ride let me tell you. You don't know what hit you. Unless you have experience being on the receiving end of gaslighting, you actually believe what they're telling you which is caused by your naivete. After being around the block a few times in this thing called life, I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away, unfortunately.

@Pepper12, yes the dude was indeed very rude and disrespectful to you. He shakes your husband's hand yet doesn't bother to acknowledge your presence by shaking your hand? He ignores you instead. What a guy! If that's not blatant rudeness, I don't know what is. Usually, a man with class will not leave his manners at the door. He remembers to bring his manners with him unless he was raised by a bunch of animals, that is.

This is the time to ask your husband to step up and man up by requesting the rude guy to treat his wife with respect, give you common decency and common courtesy especially now that the rude guy is officially part of the social billiard group. Since your husband failed to co-captain and co-manage with you regarding inviting the rude guy into your billiard group in the first place, the least your husband can do is to talk to the rude guy and tell him to do the morally right thing. Both of them need to do the right thing for that matter.

Pepper, I wanted to tell you that I am impressed by your response. I mean that sincerely.

If you look at the posts some of the main advisors have made, it's literally in the thousands. That being said, I personally have not come across someone who has ever responded the way you have.

You admitted fault, you said you would show your husband these posts to validate his feelings, you have said you want and will do your best to change.

That is impressive as most will not hear anything we say, they will only get more angry. Many come on here just to have people tell them they are right. They don't want to hear anything less.

But we all have made mistakes in our lives and sometimes we do need to be the ones who has to change. Growth is continual.

I do believe you have a right to be heard and that your husband should try to understand your feelings, for sure. Everyone should feel like they matter and that their loved one(s) will do their best to at least consider their feelings. It is totally reasonable.

I hope your husband is a fair enough man to listen to you and for you both to work your communication issues out together.

It does sound like you have a lot of love and respect for one another.

But you as well should be trying to understand his feelings as well.

He, no doubt felt disappointed when you kept missing pool. He might have had the other team members give him a hard time for it or pressure him to find another player so that they didn't keep doing poorly in tournaments. He might have felt like you didn't care or weren't bothered one way or the other.

He might have not wanted to look a fool in front of the new player, etc.

There are loads of scenarios in which you as his wife, should talk with him about and honestly try to see his side of things too.

It's never you versus him. It should be more like two best friends who are always trying to love, support and understand one another every single day.

And no, it's not always going to be easy.

Marriage is work, it doesn't just magically happen and work.

It's a combination of making efforts for one another, remaining close, trying to work out problems together as a team, trying to see each others point of view and consider each others feelings.

Love and closeness is something you create together everyday, it takes both of you making it a priority and a choice.

But from everything you have said so far, I really do think you and your husband have the type of marriage where you can overcome these problems together as long as you both choose to.

I want to say once again, kudos to you for being woman enough to admit fault and to want to take advice for a better change.

You are one of the more rare.

This is the time to ask your husband to step up and man up by requesting the rude guy to treat his wife with respect, give you common decency and common courtesy especially now that the rude guy is officially part of the social billiard group. Since your husband failed to co-captain and co-manage with you regarding inviting the rude guy into your billiard group in the first place, the least your husband can do is to talk to the rude guy and tell him to do the morally right thing. Both of them need to do the right thing for that matte

Not necessary. It will only be asking for more trouble and more drama.

I'm sure Pepper and her husband can work this out without burning bystanders unnecessarily. As long as you and your husband focus on each other, Pepper, then this new player won't even be a speck on your radar, nor should he be.

He is only there to play pool. It's not worth it. As long as he keeps to himself, so be it.

Keep your eye on what matters and that's your husband.

Tried to rep you back TWT, but it won't let me. Just an FYI.

Not necessary. It will only be asking for more trouble and more drama.

 

I'm sure Pepper and her husband can work this out without burning bystanders unnecessarily. As long as you and your husband focus on each other, Pepper, then this new player won't even be a speck on your radar, nor should he be.

He is only there to play pool. It's not worth it. As long as he keeps to himself, so be it.

Keep your eye on what matters and that's your husband.

Yes, necessary. If I were Pepper12, I wouldn't appreciate being snubbed by a rude dude billiard member. If I have to cross paths with the same rude dude in order to play pool every week and be completely ignored after I had done nothing wrong, that's just plain unacceptable. There's no way I can enjoy myself when someone is deliberately and blatantly unkind to me in a set group social setting while I'm trying to have a good time even if I were to meekly stay with only the nice members. It's uncomfortable and unnatural to walk on eggshells when everyone should be able to act natural and get along harmoniously. I would definitely ask my husband to step up and man up in this case, since after all, he was the one who single handedly approved accepting this rude dude into the billiard group in the first place. The husband should take responsibility since he is the one who brought the rude dude in to be rude to his wife which isn't right nor fair. Don't be a doormat, OP, Pepper12. Speak up unless you don't mind being disrespected by your husband AND the rude dude.

If it's acceptable for you to be disrespected by your husband AND the rude dude, do nothing, remain silent and pretend that being snubbed is perfectly acceptable to you. It's the principle of the matter. The more quiet you are, the more permission you are giving others to allow them to disrespect you repeatedly and habitually. Never be submissive otherwise you'll get walked all over. You'll earn more respect when you speak up and you'll be treated as if you matter and with DIGNITY. Since the rude dude treats you as if you don't exist, ask your husband to have a man to man talk with the rude dude. If your husband truly loves and cares for you, he'll have your back and do the right thing. Have your husband and the rude dude behave with integrity, be cordial to you and behave like honorable gentlemen.

Squeaky wheel gets the grease.