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Thread: Tell me if I'm wrong

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You haven't said anything different then what I first disagreed on (just more of it) so ... I'll just say this, without malice...
    When Op told her husband that she was upset that he had invited someone to join without telling and her husband had said "Oh, you don't remember, I told you last week he would be joining and you seemed fine with it" when if fact he hadn't told her at all... then that would be gaslighting her. (as an example).

    "trying to change perceptions of the facts" is correct. Him observing how she is in general is not gaslighting her. He's telling her how he sees her in general which isn't distorting anything if she is indeed like that (which she has basically admitted to being and wanting to change in herself).


    I'm sure you'll not agree so I'll bow out and let you have at.

    @Pepper. I forgot to mention... Please don't think that the new dude is rude or shunning you in any way just because he didn't introduce himself to you. I think it would have diffused things had your husband actually introduced you to one another but that's now water under the bridge anyway and do yourself a favor and let that go (unless of course he's a complete cad once you get to know him and then you'll have a good reason not to like him.
    Gaslighting is when other people tell you there is something wrong with you because "you're only fine when you're right." That's a manipulative spin and psychological trick into thinking yes, there is really something wrong with you and you're at fault here. Then you start second guessing yourself until you're thoroughly confused and left stomping out fire after fire. And around and around it goes into vicious circles. Gaslighting is deflecting the blame away from them onto you in an argument and the way you do it is by never admitting fault. You make the other person look like the insane one. Gaslighting is deflecting, throwing you off track, changing the subject so it's not on the other person and instead it's on you. Gaslighting is never owning up to it, never admitting, never taking responsibility and throwing it back in your face because you are the one to blame and at fault, not they. And around and around it goes. It's a wild ride let me tell you. You don't know what hit you. Unless you have experience being on the receiving end of gaslighting, you actually believe what they're telling you which is caused by your naivete. After being around the block a few times in this thing called life, I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away, unfortunately.

    @Pepper12, yes the dude was indeed very rude and disrespectful to you. He shakes your husband's hand yet doesn't bother to acknowledge your presence by shaking your hand? He ignores you instead. What a guy! If that's not blatant rudeness, I don't know what is. Usually, a man with class will not leave his manners at the door. He remembers to bring his manners with him unless he was raised by a bunch of animals, that is.

    This is the time to ask your husband to step up and man up by requesting the rude guy to treat his wife with respect, give you common decency and common courtesy especially now that the rude guy is officially part of the social billiard group. Since your husband failed to co-captain and co-manage with you regarding inviting the rude guy into your billiard group in the first place, the least your husband can do is to talk to the rude guy and tell him to do the morally right thing. Both of them need to do the right thing for that matter.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Pepper, I wanted to tell you that I am impressed by your response. I mean that sincerely.

    If you look at the posts some of the main advisors have made, it's literally in the thousands. That being said, I personally have not come across someone who has ever responded the way you have.
    You admitted fault, you said you would show your husband these posts to validate his feelings, you have said you want and will do your best to change.

    That is impressive as most will not hear anything we say, they will only get more angry. Many come on here just to have people tell them they are right. They don't want to hear anything less.
    But we all have made mistakes in our lives and sometimes we do need to be the ones who has to change. Growth is continual.

    I do believe you have a right to be heard and that your husband should try to understand your feelings, for sure. Everyone should feel like they matter and that their loved one(s) will do their best to at least consider their feelings. It is totally reasonable.
    I hope your husband is a fair enough man to listen to you and for you both to work your communication issues out together.
    It does sound like you have a lot of love and respect for one another.

    But you as well should be trying to understand his feelings as well.
    He, no doubt felt disappointed when you kept missing pool. He might have had the other team members give him a hard time for it or pressure him to find another player so that they didn't keep doing poorly in tournaments. He might have felt like you didn't care or weren't bothered one way or the other.
    He might have not wanted to look a fool in front of the new player, etc.
    There are loads of scenarios in which you as his wife, should talk with him about and honestly try to see his side of things too.

    It's never you versus him. It should be more like two best friends who are always trying to love, support and understand one another every single day.
    And no, it's not always going to be easy.
    Marriage is work, it doesn't just magically happen and work.

    It's a combination of making efforts for one another, remaining close, trying to work out problems together as a team, trying to see each others point of view and consider each others feelings.
    Love and closeness is something you create together everyday, it takes both of you making it a priority and a choice.

    But from everything you have said so far, I really do think you and your husband have the type of marriage where you can overcome these problems together as long as you both choose to.
    I want to say once again, kudos to you for being woman enough to admit fault and to want to take advice for a better change.
    You are one of the more rare.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This is the time to ask your husband to step up and man up by requesting the rude guy to treat his wife with respect, give you common decency and common courtesy especially now that the rude guy is officially part of the social billiard group. Since your husband failed to co-captain and co-manage with you regarding inviting the rude guy into your billiard group in the first place, the least your husband can do is to talk to the rude guy and tell him to do the morally right thing. Both of them need to do the right thing for that matte
    Not necessary. It will only be asking for more trouble and more drama.

    I'm sure Pepper and her husband can work this out without burning bystanders unnecessarily. As long as you and your husband focus on each other, Pepper, then this new player won't even be a speck on your radar, nor should he be.
    He is only there to play pool. It's not worth it. As long as he keeps to himself, so be it.
    Keep your eye on what matters and that's your husband.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Tried to rep you back TWT, but it won't let me. Just an FYI.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Not necessary. It will only be asking for more trouble and more drama.

    I'm sure Pepper and her husband can work this out without burning bystanders unnecessarily. As long as you and your husband focus on each other, Pepper, then this new player won't even be a speck on your radar, nor should he be.
    He is only there to play pool. It's not worth it. As long as he keeps to himself, so be it.
    Keep your eye on what matters and that's your husband.
    Yes, necessary. If I were Pepper12, I wouldn't appreciate being snubbed by a rude dude billiard member. If I have to cross paths with the same rude dude in order to play pool every week and be completely ignored after I had done nothing wrong, that's just plain unacceptable. There's no way I can enjoy myself when someone is deliberately and blatantly unkind to me in a set group social setting while I'm trying to have a good time even if I were to meekly stay with only the nice members. It's uncomfortable and unnatural to walk on eggshells when everyone should be able to act natural and get along harmoniously. I would definitely ask my husband to step up and man up in this case, since after all, he was the one who single handedly approved accepting this rude dude into the billiard group in the first place. The husband should take responsibility since he is the one who brought the rude dude in to be rude to his wife which isn't right nor fair. Don't be a doormat, OP, Pepper12. Speak up unless you don't mind being disrespected by your husband AND the rude dude.

    If it's acceptable for you to be disrespected by your husband AND the rude dude, do nothing, remain silent and pretend that being snubbed is perfectly acceptable to you. It's the principle of the matter. The more quiet you are, the more permission you are giving others to allow them to disrespect you repeatedly and habitually. Never be submissive otherwise you'll get walked all over. You'll earn more respect when you speak up and you'll be treated as if you matter and with DIGNITY. Since the rude dude treats you as if you don't exist, ask your husband to have a man to man talk with the rude dude. If your husband truly loves and cares for you, he'll have your back and do the right thing. Have your husband and the rude dude behave with integrity, be cordial to you and behave like honorable gentlemen.

    Squeaky wheel gets the grease.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just want to say that was a lovely post, Sherry, and that I had the same thoughts in reading Pepperís response. Always wonderful to see someone able to turn the prism of themselves with that kind of humility, and to not feel attacked or judged by others. Bodes well for the future, Pepper, and for getting past this snag, if you can keep channeling that attitude.

    Itís easy to adapt a me vs them approach to the world, be it against a random in a pool league or even a spouse. But itís limited, and limiting, and quite isolating. An approach that we are all in it together, that leaves room for some ideas (a person being rude, a partner being careless) to be seen as ideas rather than facts? Not always easy, but more rewarding and less limiting.

    Best of luck.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I've since learned that when you say nothing, you are letting others know that they can continue to disrespect you. Then when you speak up (or your husband), suddenly there's a wake up call to behave graciously and respectfully. Sometimes it takes "burning bystanders" and necessary drama in order to let them know that their behavior towards you is uncalled for. Snubbing you is arrogant behavior and in this society, we're supposed to be polite and well mannered otherwise you'll feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in an atmosphere that is supposed to be enjoyable such as billiards, right? Isn't the purpose of pool games to share good times with your friends? How can you share good times when there is an old rude sour puss dude within your midst? Ask your husband to break the ice for you. I'm sure you would but obviously the rude guy ignores you so ask your husband to say, "Look dude, be kind and show respect to my wife, please." How hard is that? Then everyone can enjoy pool, relax, share laughter and have a good time. This is a social event which should be a happy atmosphere; not a tense atmosphere.

    Snubbing, arrogant, obnoxious rudeness is not an option. Why would you want to be treated this way? Unless you're a robot who has no feelings? That type of behavior is shameful and disdainful.

    It's bad enough that the OP, Pepper12 had zero input as CO-CAPTAIN when deciding to accept the rude dude into the fold. A consolation would be at least for everyone to get along cordially and peacefully. That's not an unreasonable request by any stretch.

  9. #28
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    Seriously y'all I'm truly grateful to each of youand your kind words and even your harsh ones. Things have a way of getting to us at times and I'm first to admit that I learned from y'all that I should stand for some things and that becoming blinded by my own hurt only led to fear and monstrously engulfed my existence to the point of lashing out in a manner that merely made me appear as spoiled baby.... and in all actuality it should have lit a fire under my ass to get all dolled up and step into those 7 inch platforms and shake rude dudes hand REAL good while stating welcome to OUR team to remind him that I am my husband's co captain and just show up every Monday fearless(and flawless) just the way my hubby loves me to be. I have become meeker and less than myself as our communication has become flawed and the relationship strained. I opened the dialogue tonight *** I apologized to my king tonight and we laid in the bed and had a good solid talk about alot of stuff and at the end of it before going to sleep I told my husband that I had posted this and asked perfect strangers to chime in and that it hurt me to hear the truth in my mistakes but I explained that I did it because I care about us and that to be so vulnerable in the presence of others was a chance I wanted to take for the sake of our marriage .....i admitted to him my wrongs and I did apologize for several things. I could tell that he was surprised yet appreciated the position I put myself in. When I offered to him the chance to read it and he said "no baby I don't need to" ......i said "oh NO you're gonna read it..... you get your lumps too!!!" We laughed for the first time in about 2 weeks and after we kissed goodnight he's asleep next to me while I'm writing this to y'all. Please everyone remember be humble and kind we are all blessed. We only get 1 LIFE but many opportunities to Live it with LOVE

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Thanks, Blue. Very kind of you.

    The gentler approach is often the better one. After all, isn't there enough upset in this world?

    Stay close to your husband, Pepper. He sounds like a good one. No need to start a war with this other man, he's no one. Keep your focus on the one who matters, your husband. He loves you dearly by the sounds of it.

    Cheers.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    dudes hand REAL good while stating welcome to OUR team to remind him that I am my husband's co captain and just show up every Monday fearless(and flawless) just the way my hubby loves me to be
    There you go!
    Honey attracts more bees than vinegar. You've got a good heart, Pepper. Shine brightly. You won't shine brighter by putting out others light or to start wars.
    Smile, be your dazzling self, stand up as co captain and remember this is about you and your husband, no one else.

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