Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 43

Thread: Tell me if I'm wrong

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,995
    I'll go against the grain here. Your husband was wrong by not consulting you about adding a new member to your group since after all, both of you are co-captains. Both leaders of the group need to make mutual decisions together which is common sense.

    However, since your husband refuses to eliminate this new member despite your protests and the new member blatantly disrespects you, I say pick your battles.

    Make the best of a bad situation for yourself. Swallow your pride and be a good sport. You can still get all dolled up and be your best well groomed self in public. Then when the rude guy ignores you, kill him with kindness. Be nice. If he gives you the cold shoulder and does an about face, approach him and introduce yourself. Remain pleasant. You don't have to act unnatural as if you're old chums but act natural and be kind. Just because this new guy is an old sour puss, it doesn't mean you have to pout and merely tolerate him. Don't allow an obnoxious person to ruin your day or good time playing billiards. And keep in mind, you can always socialize with others in the group. Don't focus on the rude person in the group. Be with the nice people and stay there.

    Also, don't do everything with your husband. Develop other activities whether alone or in groups. Have your own interests and your own set of friends. Don't make your husband your whole world. Diversify your joys, hobbies, sports and socializing.

    I've been married for a long time. Take a step back and look at the big picture. Be a harmonious person and be grateful that your husband isn't as "worse" than taking it upon himself to add a new member to the billiard group without consulting you. Compared to my late father's wife beating, cheating, non-child support ways, your husband is a saint. Your troubles are light. Count your blessings.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    5
    Okay y'all I asked you to tell me if I am wrong.....And the people have spoken!! Thanks so much for all of the feedback and comments....a bit painful but that is okay.. It is nothing like the hurt that I've been going thru and I was prepared to hear the responses either way!! Otherwise I wouldn't have asked !!! AND yes there are other things that are attached to this but none that change the effect of my behavior enough to be valid reasons to have gone so far LEFT. So not only will I apologize and figure out the next step to healing this....i will allow him to read this for HIS validation --he deserves that----As some of these comments were also things he had expressed.Anyone that knows me is privy to the fact that I don't like crow in any style or serving... I AM a good Person and I DO love my KING with every bit of my heart and soul. He and I always joke about the fact that we love HARD!! As all of us know sometimes things grow and manifest to a point that it becomes all consuming ----I believe that I AM a highly sensitive individual and we do have some serious communication issues. We truly are the same person in every way except emotionally. He is a L.E.O. of 22 yrs and had spent his adult life turning that part of himself off. He tends to be cold and insensitive but I do always try to keep this in mind to keep from going bonkers.😵LOL😁 But it's just very difficult at times....times like this where I just need him to at least let me know that my issue or feelings are meaningful(even if only to me) and I just want or need him to be more supportive while helping me to see things in a different light or maybe beyond myself such as this situation where I've obviously been very selfish amongst other things!!I'm a very open minded individual and to grow as a person is something that I have always craved. I've allowed myself to become frustrated and hurt to a level that has hardened me in a negative way. However this is where the breakdown takes place because for the most part he is almost incapable of helping me to process and work thru things ,situations, events, etc. Which is what is we as partners are for....being there for our person in face of challenges and turmoil but without being condecending, snyde,while reminding me of my past mistakes while being a complete smartass in his demeanor making me feel even smaller. Tough Love is not a 100% fix ..... He always says I'm fine as long as Im right.....honestly that is sooooo not what I care about.....i just want to be heard.i don't care if he agrees with me either as long as I know that what I'm saying, thinking, or feeling holds enough worth to just be recognized, and accepted. I'm gonna risk it here and I'm scared to ask considering the previous town square beatings😭😳😶LOL JK....but is all of that CRAZY or wrong of me to want from him??

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    5
    thank you and yes you reminded me that I need to focus on the most important one there in the group...ME ...and then enjoy the time with my husband that I do truly cherish.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,355
    It's not crazy to ask if you were in fact giving him the same courtesy. But you're not.

    You overreacted and threw a tantrum.

    If you want to be treated respectfully you must do the same for him.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    5

    Please tell me if I'm wrong

    ---------------(even if only to me) and I just want or need him to be more supportive while helping me to see things in a different light or maybe beyond myself such as this situation where I've obviously been very selfish amongst other things!----------------#
    Boltnrun*
    Pretty sure I recognized that I wasn't doing that for him and i was bringing that up as response to several people mentioning that they thought we had other issues in our relationship.....these being the big ones(only ones)..communication on his part and his emotional disconnect vs. My highly sensitive nature !!!
    And BTW those that mentioned it....I am treated with therapy and have been treated on and off from 8 yrs to present diagnosed as having ADHD with acute OCD tendencies, resulting in social anxiety and I've recently been tested for mild PTSD. SO yes I'm a handful....and I do consider myself very blessed that my husband is in my life considering....i fear that he doesn't feel blessed at all. I fear that he will(or already does) hate me because of those things{I believe it's why he communicates with me the way he does}OP
    Last edited by Pepper13; 03-12-2020 at 06:29 PM. Reason: Needed to add person that I was responding to cause I'm new and don't know how to get the orange text box with portion being focused on

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,623
    Gender
    Female
    It's not wrong to want to be heard but I fear if he 'handled' (for lack of a better word) you in any other way, when you've been so far left, that he'd just be enabling you. Of course there are going to be circumstances wherein you have felt wronged but have handled things in a mature way. I would hope that he 'hears' you then?
    I also think that anyone with less of his own personal boundaries that he won't let you cross, you would never change so be glad he is strong in that way.

    if nothing else you've handled what you got served in your thread with grace and perhaps that's a clue to you improving how you react. Maybe write down what you are feeling before you verbalize it and think to yourself: "What would those scoundrels on Enotalone have to say about that." ;) In other words, take a breather and address how you're feeling when you're able to do so more logically rather then with so much emotion.

    Cheers.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,995
    Pepper13, I see where you're coming from. I would not approve of my husband taking it upon himself to invite a new member into the billiard group without consulting me given that I too am a co-captain. Both leaders obviously need to consult and cooperate with each other in order to make decisions regarding new members to the group. Co-captains are co-managers and managers consult and coordinate with their decision making process in unison. It's not captain. It's co-captains here.

    Perhaps there are deeper issues here than just about the billiard activity.

    The part that your husband needs to work on is his empathy, considering your feelings, feeling for you and respecting your opinions as his wife.

    I know for a fact that my husband consults with me regarding decision making and I know he would if we were co-captains or co-leaders of any group or organization. Even if my husband wasn't a captain, he doesn't take it upon himself to make decisions and choices without consulting with his wife. I'm not referring to insignificant decisions such as buying food or shoes either. I'm referring to informing me about decision making out of respect for me because he values my opinion and he thought of me before making decisions. This is the crux of the matter.

    And the gaslighting needs to stop such as comments like this: "You're only fine when you're right." Google "gaslighting." I grew up with gaslighting all my life so I know every manipulative, psychological trick in the book.

    I agree with others. Seek professional marriage counseling because this topic is more than just about your sulking due to your husband inviting a new rude member into the billiard group without consulting with you nor your consent. You're co-captains and co-anything needs to coordinate and cooperate with each other. Let's get that straight.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,623
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Pepper13, I see where you're coming from. I would not approve of my husband taking it upon himself to invite a new member into the billiard group without consulting me given that I too am a co-captain.
    Yeah but would you cut your nose off to spite your face and punish yourself by not going to the very thing you love because of it? I'm sure we can all understand her feeling somewhat slighted but the reaction to that perceived slight is what we are kindly letting her know where she is wrong. And, yes it is kind to tell people when they have asked if they were being their own worst enemy... it's called not enabling.


    And the gaslighting needs to stop such as comments like this: "You're only fine when you're right."
    That is not an example of gas lighting. That is an observation that perhaps the Op shouldn't just dismiss if it means she handles it better when she's not right.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,995
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Yeah but would you cut your nose off to spite your face and punish yourself by not going to the very thing you love because of it? I'm sure we can all understand her feeling somewhat slighted but the reaction to that perceived slight is what we are kindly letting her know where she is wrong. And, yes it is kind to tell people when they have asked if they were being their own worst enemy... it's called not enabling.

    That is not an example of gas lighting. That is an observation that perhaps the Op shouldn't just dismiss if it means she handles it better when she's not right.
    There is a communication and lack of empathy problem and not always just reduced to choosing a rude guy to enter the billiard group without consulting with his co-captain wife. As co-anything, it's a management decision and as co-managers, you don't take it upon yourself to manage by yourself if there's a co-manager. It's the principle of the matter and not valuing his wife's opinion which is a form of disrespect.

    And gaslighting is trying to change your perception of the facts including announcements of your mood or mental state regarding the situation. It's people telling you what you are even though you know yourself better than anyone because no one has the right to tell how what you think. The other person is putting their own spin and making you feel there is something wrong with YOU regarding the situation at hand and nothing I hadn't experienced before -- all my life. This is opposed to being humble by humbly admitting by saying to his wife, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I should've asked your opinion regarding inviting the rude guy into our billiard group given that we're co-captains. Had I consulted with you first, perhaps you could've perceived this rude guy wouldn't have been the right fit for the billiard group as a whole. I should've valued your opinion as opposed to choosing the rude guy behind your back unbeknownst to you. Since it's hard to get rid of him, can we just try to make it work?" Something like that would've been acceptable and I could see how a situation including the rude guy could somehow be made better.

    Also, the husband could volunteer by actually telling the rude guy to be kind to his wife as opposed to ignoring and doing absolutely nothing about it. I'd appreciate it if my husband went up to bat for me. The husband could do damage control by stepping up, manning up and asking the rude guy to give his wife common courtesy as opposed to giving her the cold shoulder when she did nothing wrong. For example, Pepper13 noted that the rude guy shook her husband's hand yet didn't bother to greet Pepper13 at all. Then the rude guy turned around and acted as if Pepper13 didn't exist. That right there is obnoxiously rude and UNacceptable behavior. Who does the rude guy think he is? That's not the way to treat people co-captain or no co-captain.

    Also, the new guy is rude so it was a poor choice to invite a rude guy into the group anyway. That's a bad judgment call and with the wife's opinion, a rude guy invitation could've been thwarted. This rude guy is not good for the group, not just for the OP, Pepper13. No one wants a rude guy as part of any group. I have enough of that with relatives and in-law situations. No one enjoys being with a rude person. Rude and disrespectful people are avoided for a reason.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,623
    Gender
    Female
    You haven't said anything different then what I first disagreed on (just more of it) so ... I'll just say this, without malice...
    When Op told her husband that she was upset that he had invited someone to join without telling and her husband had said "Oh, you don't remember, I told you last week he would be joining and you seemed fine with it" when if fact he hadn't told her at all... then that would be gaslighting her. (as an example).

    "trying to change perceptions of the facts" is correct. Him observing how she is in general is not gaslighting her. He's telling her how he sees her in general which isn't distorting anything if she is indeed like that (which she has basically admitted to being and wanting to change in herself).


    I'm sure you'll not agree so I'll bow out and let you have at.

    @Pepper. I forgot to mention... Please don't think that the new dude is rude or shunning you in any way just because he didn't introduce himself to you. I think it would have diffused things had your husband actually introduced you to one another but that's now water under the bridge anyway and do yourself a favor and let that go (unless of course he's a complete cad once you get to know him and then you'll have a good reason not to like him.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •