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Thread: Tell me if I'm wrong

  1. #1
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    Tell me if I'm wrong

    I would like to get others opinions on my situation what would you do how would you react if you were in my situation ... I will give a very brief backstory to this my husband and I have been together for several years we are a Old Flame love from about 20 years ago he is my yin to my yang he's me in a boy's body I love him truly dearly with all my heart and that's why this is absolutely destroying me.
    We play on a competitive pool League (Billiards to be exact 8 Ball team) together that we started about 4 years ago. Throughout the years there have been times that I had other things going on and was not always as committed to being there as I should be considering I am the co-captain and my husband is the captain my husband has mentioned this to me several times in our conversations so a few months ago I had told him I was going to make the commitment to be there more and to be more of an active co-captain because I really love playing with him and competing in pool we've done very well on our team.
    The last session after I had made my commitment I was there a couple of weeks I did get sick and missed a week and the following week my husband chose to add a new player to our team without discussing it with me at all at this point that did hurt my feelings because it made me feel like it didn't matter. So from that point I chose to not go to any more of the Monday night matches that were scheduled for that session I at some point during the session towards the end explain to my husband that I had not been there because he had hurt my feelings by adding this person to the team without discussing it with me.
    So the session is coming to a close I express to my husband that the new person that he had added to the team was an individual that I didn't care for very much I didn't like him I didn't like the way he made me feel I felt that he was rather disrespectful to the couple of times I was around him. EXAMPLE: the 2nd or 3rd time I was around him he walked right up to my husband shook his hand and turned his back on me and never even said hello or even looked my way.
    So fast forward beginning of a new session of which I explain to my husband that I would really appreciate it if he would remove this person from the team because he did make me uncomfortable and I did not care for him very much and I know my husband pretty well I figured that he was going to have some apprehensions about how he would remove this person from the team without feeling like a jerk so I gave him a couple of scenarios that would basically be very good excuses that would keep him in the clear as a good guy and not make him seem weak for listening to his wife. All in all I was concerned about saving his reputation as a person in general.

    Here's the rub upon offering those scenarios to my husband so that everything could unfold accordingly and everybody would be happy and there wouldn't be any volatile Feelings by anyone my husband chose to tell me that he was not going to ask this person to find a different team to play with and I told him that if he was going to keep him on the team then I wouldn't play that remember we've been playing competitively for about 4 years it's what we've always done together it's our thing and all because he decided that he just didn't want to wrong this person he basically told me to get over it and get over myself deal with it and when I explained to him that I could not so I would no longer be playing alongside him on the team he accepted that and has been playing 5 weeks continually without me there and doesn't see anything wrong with that. What's worse is it makes me feel as if he could care less if I'm there or not....he says "you made that choice to not come play, so don't get mad at me!" I tell him that he choose this person over me therefore he choose this. I'll be honest I feel completely betrayed and have lost trust in my husband and his willingness to stand by me or to respect my feelings. If I'm wrong then I'm wrong but I really don't feel as if I am.

    Now my husband is the kind of person that casual friendships don't really mean a lot he always says if so and so was gone tomorrow I wouldn't miss them--- so I'm confused as to how this person means enough to him that he would be okay with me not playing alongside of him for fear of hurting that person's feelings . yet in his mind it's okay to hurt mine. He basically thinks that I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings and that I should just get over myself and play anyway. This is something we done together for years as I said before one of my passions is to get completely dolled up and dressed to the nines so he can show me off because he enjoys that so much or he used to and that makes this even harder because now I don't have anything that we do together during the week like going and competing in playing pool together the two nights a week that we do play or did play and yes I said to we have two teams and 8-ball and 9-ball team and I quit the other one as well because I don't feel like I can play alongside of someone who doesn't consider me worthy enough to act on my feelings or to support my feelings.

    so I would like to ask all of you to chime in and let me know what would you do in this situation am I overreacting ? Is it okay for me to be sitting home all week not getting to go out anywhere and do what my husband and I have always done together yet he still goes two nights a week and does the one thing that we love so much together? should I just sweep my feelings under the rug about this person or do I have every right to be upset and hurt and ultimately feel as if I've been betrayed by my husband? Seriously I'm in need of feedback because we are at a very serious blockage here .....I'm emotionally wrecked and depressed so badly...thanks in advance y'all
    Last edited by Pepper13; 03-12-2020 at 01:55 AM. Reason: Left part of it off

  2. #2
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    you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

    You were absent from the game , your choice and then donít like whatís happening in your absence.? Too bad!!

    If this was a company you ran with a business partner, would you expect to be told every detail about hiring and firing when you donít show up for work?

    And when you did decide to show up and didnít like a certain employee not because of his work but attitude towards you , would you expect your business partner to fire him on that grounds???

    Would you then quit work and be resentful that your business partner is still working and with this employee?

    If you have an issue with this guy , then talk to him! Why are you hiding behind your husbands shadow?
    But expect him to do your dirty work?

    You are creating this , not your husband. I feel sorry for him!

    What are you going to do? At the moment all you are doing is sulking and denying yourself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    So, in brief:

    You started to be less committed to the pool league so he got someone in to play. But, you didn't like this person, because he ignored you, so you told you husband to kick him out. You also gave him some scenarios that would make it easy for him to kick him out. But when you husband did not pander to your demands, you got all upset and quit all the teams. And now, you feel betrayed because he would rather spend time doing his passion with someone that is not you.

    I think there are some major communication issues in your relationship that need to be resolved. Yes, he should have discussed this other person with you, but you should not be making outrageous demands because of a perceived slight. And now that he won't follow your demands, the levels of your tantrum is increasing and you are now seeing it as a major threat to you pysche.

    I would suggest getting yourself and your husband to a couples therapy session and talk through the issues. That therapist should help you grow some communications skills.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Pepper13
    Here's the rub upon offering those scenarios to my husband so that everything could unfold accordingly and everybody would be happy and there wouldn't be any volatile Feelings by anyone
    Well, no, not really - you would be happy. You wouldn't have any negative feelings. That wouldn't be the same for everyone else.

    Yes, I think you are dreadfully overreacting, OP. You admit you weren't really that committed to this anyway recently, so it's not very accurate to now claim it as "your thing" with him and be mortally offended that it's not going your way. You evidently missed so much of it that you he spoke to you about it more than once, and you re-committed. Your own behaviour prior to this suggested you didn't really much care about it; it's a bit rich to then choose this as hill to die on now that someone else has been invited in.

    Could your husband have discussed it with you? Sure. But really, if you were consistently disengaged from the activity, your actions were speaking louder than you words. You didn't appear to be interested in what was happening, so I don't think it's a serious gaffe that he decided to invite someone else on board.

    You are upset now, but think of how your husband felt when you two were apparently meant to be doing this activity together and you kept missing it. I think a little empathy from you could go a long way here. Rather than throwing a tantrum and being crazy jealous of this new team member, consider that maybe you and your husband have problems that run deeper than just this one activity. That is where the real work needs to be done. There are communication issues between you two, and apparently you're more emotionally disconnected from each other than either of you realize. You can stomp your feet and be mad, or you can try to come together with him to tackle what is really going on here. I can nearly guarantee it's not about billiards in and of itself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    this is absolutely destroying me.
    That's way over the top.

    Whenever I find myself less committed to something than a partner, the LAST thing I'd do is interfere with his control over a group. He needs reliable people, and I've already made it harder with my absences, so why pile on my own internal 'stuff'? This harms not only that person's ability to lead, it harms our relationship--and for no good reason.

    I'd put my big girl pants on and apologize to husband. I'd play nice with the group or withdraw and find something to become passionate about on my own.

    Taking husband's choices on running a league personally is juvenile and harnmful. He's committed, you are not. Don't compound that into a problem with narcissism.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to develop you own friends and interests and activities. being in your husband's shadow and tagging along isn't working out for you. Start by joining another billiard association/team. Then join some other clubs and groups. Develop yourself more as an individual. Take some fun or career enhancing classes and courses. Get a side hustle job to fill your time and make some extra cash. Volunteer...Library, hospital, shelter, etc. No need to sit home and pout.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    So...you flake on being there, even though you are now saying it's you and your husbands "thing" and that's it's really important to you. But back when you kept missing, you expected your husband to not say anything.
    He then get's fed up, adds in a new player because your lack of being there is causing the team to not do as well, and then you get mad. So mad, that you basically stomp your foot and say "you're not longer going".

    Then, you finally decide to stop sulking, you go, and decide you don't like the new player, (even though it's not about you and this is a game that really has nothing to do with whether you and this man get on or not, because as you've stated several times, this is actually to spend time with your husband).
    But even so...you then cause more drama and demand that this man be taken off the team.
    Your husband refuses being as it's rude, and this man has done no wrong. I mean, he shows up, he has helped the team, and that's all he's expected to do.

    Girlfriend, I'll give it to you straight...you are the one causing drama after drama. You are the one who kept dropping the ball and kept flaking out and then getting mad when you were replaced.
    As far as I know, competitive pool does need a certain amount of players and the whole team is worse off if someone doesn't show up. It really does change how well the team is doing.
    Even so, I understand that you were not well, but it's still not within your right to stomp your foot and to pout, run off again, expect the new player to be dismissed and then give your husband even more heck for not jumping to your tune asap.

    Your husband deserves an apology.
    That's my 2 cents.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    So from that point I chose to not go to any more of the Monday night matches that were scheduled for that session I at some point during the session towards the end explain to my husband that I had not been there because he had hurt my feelings by adding this person to the team without discussing it with me.
    This is called "cutting off your nose to spite your face." Your husband had discussed you missing games prior and you missed another so he substituted you with someone that would be more reliable. He shouldn't have to punish someone that bailed out his team because you don't like him. Your reasons for not liking him are rather petty to be honest.

    There are also several other sayings that would apply to you:
    1. You are what you eat.
    2. Revenge is best served cold.
    3. You got what you asked for.
    4. Think twice, act once.
    5. You made your own bed now you lie in it.

    In other words, you are the author of your own misfortune. If you want to continue to play then get yourself on another team if you don't like the new player and stop "cutting off your own nose to spite your face." Your husband owes you nothing here and your bad feelings are due to your own doing. Your continued holding onto these feelings you caused in YOURSELF are causing an emotion disconnect between you and your husband so cut it out, get back out there and play on. You and husband will still be playing your fav game and you'll be able to socialize together afterwards.

    I would suggest getting yourself and your husband to a couples therapy session and talk through the issues. That therapist should help you grow some communications skills.
    I would suggest that YOU, Op go to personal therapy instead and grow as an adult that doesn't always need her own way.

    I ask you, why do you not put the best interests of the team for a minute instead of just your own need to get what you want?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yes, you are so wrong it's not even funny. Your behavior is really unacceptable, not to mention rude, unreasonable, irrational, and vindictive. At the end of the day, only person you are hurting with your own behavior is yourself. Cutting off your nose to spite your face summarizes this situation accurately.

    You owe an apology not only to your husband but your entire team or maybe just go ahead and stay away from the game since you seem to act out like a drama queen. Your husband didn't betray you. He was well within rights to add a new player given your overall absenteeism. He didn't need your blessing for that. You then react with rage and hate, try to pick up some absurd imaginary slights this man has committed like he didn't trip over himself to greet you. You are really reaching here, btw. Good on your husband that he actually refused to get rid of him just because you decided to go on some unhinged warpath against him. Then you pitch an even greater tantrum by refusing to participate and falling down even more on your responsibility as co-captain while demonstrating an extreme lack of maturity, sportmanship, and just basic decency.

    You created this entire storm for yourself, by yourself, by trying to be a control freak and engaging in a power struggle you have no right to or standing in. This is so off that I really have to wonder what's really going on in your life and your marriage because your behavior and reactions are not normal.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If I'm wrong then I'm wrong but I really don't feel as if I am.
    Now that it has been made clear by unbiased strangers on the internet that you are wrong, how do you plan to make amends, *Pepper*? Are you going to continue to be petulant and carry on dividing the emotional connection between your husband and yourself or are you going to do the mature thing, apologize and get back out there playing what you say you are so passionate about?

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