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Thread: Iím having a hard time knowing my boyfriend had sex with someone else

  1. #1

    Iím having a hard time knowing my boyfriend had sex with someone else

    My boyfriend and I were together for 1 year and 8 months . We broke up for about 3 months and when we got back he admitted to having sex with somebody else . Itís been about 5 months and I canít seem to get over it .theres also the fact that he took her to his house only while theyíve been together for a few weeks . I want to try to get over it but Iím losing myself in the process of it , a part of me hates him because I couldnít get myself to have sex with someone else and itís like he didnít struggle with it .

  2. #2
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    You are at a point where you need to decide if you can get past it or not.

    If you cannot then you need to end it now, there's no point moviong forward like this, it won't last.

    Deep down you know he's done nothing wrong, he was single and free to do whatever he wanted. Ask yourself why this hurts you so much.

    If you think it will just be fine and you go forward, resentment will kick in and you will hate each other sooner rather than later.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    Can I ask how old you guys are? Also wondering a bit about the context in which he "admitted" that he slept with someone: Did he volunteer this information, or did you ask? I'm also curious to know a bit more about the relationship, prior to your breakup, primarily if you guys ever struggled with issues of jealousy, suspicions about other women, concerns that he was not fully committed.

    All that might help understand the specifics a bit more, in order to give better advice.

    That out of the way, only you can ultimately decide if this is something you can get over or not. Some can, some can't. I will say that I think it's really a lost cause, and a misguided one, to try to gauge how committed to you someone is by how they behaved when you weren't committed. Maybe have a think on why this is so troubling to you. Do you fear it speaks for how he'll behave now that you're back together?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It comes down to choices. You can't reconcile and move forward while being stuck in the past.

    Not to minimize your feelings, but you only have a couple choices here. You actively work on getting to the other side or you decide that this is something you can't let go of.

    Time helps too . .

    Men are often able to separate their hearts from their body and sex is can be just a physical act. You are comparing how difficult it would have been with you because women, in most cases attach a good deal of emotion to it.

    That and people deal with grief differently. It's not uncommon for some to hide behind the grief by getting involved with someone new. For the next person, being with someone else is the last thing in the world they can think of doing.

    You two are just wired differently. It's not right or wrong. It's just a different way to look at it. I hope it helps.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your struggle, Melynah02. Try thinking another way. If it were you having sex with somebody else while broken up and if you reconciled with your boyfriend, don't you think he would still love and care for you and start anew again?

    Neither of you can undo the past. All you can do is try to make your new relationship with him work and thrive. Know that you're the one for him and he's choosing you now instead of that somebody else.

    If you continue to feel bitter and resentful regarding your boyfriend and his having sex with somebody else, both of you cannot move forward in your relationship. As long as you stew over his past, you'll never be happy with him.

    If this is a problem for you, perhaps he's not the one for you long term.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    been in your shoes....I took him back, I couldn't get over it, I dumped him...it was for a number of reasons, but that stood out the most. I would say to move on and don't look back.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. There are three unfortunate things happening.
    First of all the "breakup". Good relationships don't need breaks and possibly he only came back because the other option did not pan out.

    Secondly he was quick to hop in the sack during the "breakup".

    Thirdly you need to consider if it's worth forgetting/forgiving this. Reflect that he dumped you then hopped in the sack with someone.

    When you take someone like this back, you teach them that all they have to do if they want to cheat is dump you calling it a "break".
    Originally Posted by Melynah02
    We broke up for about 3 months and when we got back he admitted to having sex with somebody else .

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What if you were the one that had sex and he didn't? Would you want him to let it go?

    Let's say you break up with him and meet some new guy that broke up with his gf 3 month prior that he was having sex with just before the breakup. Could you date him? Could you let go of the fact he had sex with someone else before you met?

    If it was a real breakup and there was never any mention of no dating anyone else while broken up how is it fair to hold this over his head?

    I am curious who broke up with whom and why? Did 3 months magically fix all those problems?

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Did you ask him?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm still at a loss how people get this retroactive jealousy. Can you not reframe your thinking so that you don't obsess about what he did when he was no longer your boyfriend? It a mind of matter thing. What you should be, IMO, more concerned about is why you broke up in the first place and would could have possibly changed in a mere three month of being apart. Not much I would imagine so the same issues are bound to show up anytime now.

    Why did you break up?

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