I’m having a hard time knowing my boyfriend had sex with someone else

My boyfriend and I were together for 1 year and 8 months . We broke up for about 3 months and when we got back he admitted to having sex with somebody else . It’s been about 5 months and I can’t seem to get over it .theres also the fact that he took her to his house only while they’ve been together for a few weeks . I want to try to get over it but I’m losing myself in the process of it , a part of me hates him because I couldn’t get myself to have sex with someone else and it’s like he didn’t struggle with it .

You are at a point where you need to decide if you can get past it or not.

If you cannot then you need to end it now, there's no point moviong forward like this, it won't last.

Deep down you know he's done nothing wrong, he was single and free to do whatever he wanted. Ask yourself why this hurts you so much.

If you think it will just be fine and you go forward, resentment will kick in and you will hate each other sooner rather than later.

Sorry about this.

Can I ask how old you guys are? Also wondering a bit about the context in which he "admitted" that he slept with someone: Did he volunteer this information, or did you ask? I'm also curious to know a bit more about the relationship, prior to your breakup, primarily if you guys ever struggled with issues of jealousy, suspicions about other women, concerns that he was not fully committed.

All that might help understand the specifics a bit more, in order to give better advice.

That out of the way, only you can ultimately decide if this is something you can get over or not. Some can, some can't. I will say that I think it's really a lost cause, and a misguided one, to try to gauge how committed to you someone is by how they behaved when you weren't committed. Maybe have a think on why this is so troubling to you. Do you fear it speaks for how he'll behave now that you're back together?

It comes down to choices. You can't reconcile and move forward while being stuck in the past.

Not to minimize your feelings, but you only have a couple choices here. You actively work on getting to the other side or you decide that this is something you can't let go of.

Time helps too . .

Men are often able to separate their hearts from their body and sex is can be just a physical act. You are comparing how difficult it would have been with you because women, in most cases attach a good deal of emotion to it.

That and people deal with grief differently. It's not uncommon for some to hide behind the grief by getting involved with someone new. For the next person, being with someone else is the last thing in the world they can think of doing.

You two are just wired differently. It's not right or wrong. It's just a different way to look at it. I hope it helps.

I'm sorry for your struggle, Melynah02. Try thinking another way. If it were you having sex with somebody else while broken up and if you reconciled with your boyfriend, don't you think he would still love and care for you and start anew again?

Neither of you can undo the past. All you can do is try to make your new relationship with him work and thrive. Know that you're the one for him and he's choosing you now instead of that somebody else.

If you continue to feel bitter and resentful regarding your boyfriend and his having sex with somebody else, both of you cannot move forward in your relationship. As long as you stew over his past, you'll never be happy with him.

If this is a problem for you, perhaps he's not the one for you long term.

been in your shoes....I took him back, I couldn't get over it, I dumped him...it was for a number of reasons, but that stood out the most. I would say to move on and don't look back.

Sorry to hear this. There are three unfortunate things happening.

First of all the "breakup". Good relationships don't need breaks and possibly he only came back because the other option did not pan out.

Secondly he was quick to hop in the sack during the "breakup".

Thirdly you need to consider if it's worth forgetting/forgiving this. Reflect that he dumped you then hopped in the sack with someone.

When you take someone like this back, you teach them that all they have to do if they want to cheat is dump you calling it a "break".

We broke up for about 3 months and when we got back he admitted to having sex with somebody else .

What if you were the one that had sex and he didn't? Would you want him to let it go?

Let's say you break up with him and meet some new guy that broke up with his gf 3 month prior that he was having sex with just before the breakup. Could you date him? Could you let go of the fact he had sex with someone else before you met?

If it was a real breakup and there was never any mention of no dating anyone else while broken up how is it fair to hold this over his head?

I am curious who broke up with whom and why? Did 3 months magically fix all those problems?

Lost

Did you ask him?

I'm still at a loss how people get this retroactive jealousy. Can you not reframe your thinking so that you don't obsess about what he did when he was no longer your boyfriend? It a mind of matter thing. What you should be, IMO, more concerned about is why you broke up in the first place and would could have possibly changed in a mere three month of being apart. Not much I would imagine so the same issues are bound to show up anytime now.

Why did you break up?

 

Men are often able to separate their hearts from their body and sex is can be just a physical act. You are comparing how difficult it would have been with you because women, in most cases attach a good deal of emotion to it.

In the case of my ex-wife and I, the attitudes were reversed. You gave her good advice, but I do not think it is a gender-based attitude. Some people attach significance to intimacy, others do not.

Mismatch in attitudes results in pain for only one side. Guess which one?

Agree with the above. In my experience and that of all my male friends it's the female who loves on rapidly with others.

In the case of my ex-wife and I, the attitudes were reversed. You gave her good advice, but I do not think it is a gender-based attitude. Some people attach significance to intimacy, others do not.

 

Mismatch in attitudes results in pain for only one side. Guess which one?

That's why I used the words `often and most cases' so it wouldn't appear biased.

That's why I used the words `often and most cases' so it wouldn't appear biased.

I did not see it phrased that way. But, I don't want to threadjack.

Same thing happened to me and I just couldn’t understand how my bf was able to be intimate with anyone else so soon after the breakup. I’m the complete opposite. After a breakup, I usually stay single for quite a long time. It takes me really long to get over someone. However, some people react differently to breakups or some people just view sex as the fulfillment of basic needs, nothing more. It does not necessarily equate that “he/she cared less.” It just might mean that some people need the distraction to cope with the breakup. Or some people just engage in sex without meaning attached to that person. Bottom line, for me that would not be a dealbreaker as during that time he was technically single. I think for you, you are feeling this way because there are many underlying issues that highlight this as a major issue when in cases where there was a strong foundation, people would easily get over it. I think you need to reflect on why this is upsetting you so much & listen to your instincts. It is likely bigger than this incident, and it is probably a symptom of a much larger issue which can be caused by miscommunication, insecurity, lack of trust, lack of support etc.

While free men and women are of course free to do as they please, my personal moral distinction tends to boil down to who dumped who. Getting dumped and taking advantage of the freedom to get in a nice lay is honestly fair enough in my book. Dumping someone to play the field only and take someone back is sleazy, in my book. Either way, if you don't wanna deal with the fact someone may have had sex between your stints, don't dump someone or don't take them back if they've dumped you.

And FWIW, I don't consider reinvent's generalization to be egregious at all. While I'd definitely chalk it up to society rather than biology, all you need to do is compare the mainstream attitudes toward men as virgins and females as virgins. So yes, while men and women are perfectly and equally capable of compartmentalizing sex, for better or worse, one of us is much more generally acculturated for it than the other.

Bottom line, he wasn't beholden to you to not engage in sex. And insofar as he didn't contract an STD or get anyone pregnant without your knowledge, there's zero slight. If you can't get over it, then get over him.

This is your issue to deal with and not his.

If you can’t after 5 months get past it , then why prolong the relationship?

Why did you break up? Was that issue resolved?

Who initiated the reconciliation?

Do you generally speaking hold grudges?

And is that what you are doing here?

Is this a punishment thing for him from you?

Are you reminding him of it ?

Is the relationship worth you getting past this?

Ask yourself all of these questions and you should get a bit more clarity.

Good luck!!

Sadly now there are compound problems. The original reasons for the breakup are still there, the knowledge that he didn't want to stay and resolve anything and the revelation that instead he chose to have sex with someone.

Keep in mind he knows where to find her if there's another argument or breakup, and now you know that's his go-to solution to relationship problems.. A loser like this will only think of of himself and his own gratification. It's about him not "we". Dump him for good rather than risk more heartache with a bozo like this. 🤡

Do not let anyone tell you "it's fine, you were on break", look at the character and integrity he lacks. You can do better than this guy.

We broke up for about 3 months and when we got back he admitted to having sex with somebody else.

"A loser like this?" If they break up again, I think the "loser" in this relationship would be our Op should she get back with him yet again. Someone who has sex while outside of a relationship isn't actually a "loser." Just someone single "getting on someone to help get over someone else." I can't count how many times I've read in this forum someone giving a sad male poster that advice.

I'm still wondering who broke up with whom? Op did you break up with him? Did he break up with you and you decided to take him back? When you made the decision to reconcile then perhaps you should have noted that he may have not been acting the monk while single before deciding to start this up yet again with him.

In this day and age and going by what I read here everyday, not too many are letting themselves heal to the stage of indifference before they get bizzy with someone else. In fact even some on this thread who have dissed your b/f have advised someone else in another thread to just go right ahead and get back on that new horse when they are still very much into their ex partner.

Op: If you want to be with him then get out of your own head and if you can't do that then let him go so he can do things that single people normally are apt to do.

Yeah, I'm not reading anywhere he was the one unwilling to stay or resolve the issues or how any of the information she's provided speaks to the guy's integrity. I'd have to go charge the battery for the forklift to unpack all that hyperbole.

No one is worth losing yourself to be with them. You say a part of you hates him for being able to be intimate with someone else when you couldn't. I get that, as I'm not the type to bounce easily between intimacy with several people. He either was not as commited or he is wired differently. Both of those things are a problem as far as long term commitment with you.

It doesn't really matter as far as technicalities, and there's no award for trying to force something that isn't right for you. Leave before you really hate him. He's just being who he is, and you have to accept that.

Sooo....ugh....how long is someone supposed to stay celibate after a break up? What's the appropriate amount of time for one person to remain alone, single, and in mourning, for their ex to feel sufficiently honored and validated?

I mean the sheer arrogance of someone post break up feeling like they still own the person they used to date and are somehow entitled to exclusivity is mind boggling to me. All I've got to say is get over yourself. Your ex is free to date, sleep with and have outright orgies the second after you broke up. Don't like that, find a virgin. Then you won't have to think about who else they've been with because...no one.

I personally don't think it's about ego, arrogance or ownership.

Though I could choose to rationalize it for what it's worth and know that compartmentalizing it is a choice. I also get that the knowledge of someone you've are involved with has gotten naked with someone else in the interim is a little uncomfortable to imagine. I don't think she needs to be beat up over it. It's an honest emotion and she needs work through it.

Maybe if a year had gone by, then it would be silly to even consider. But in the window of 3 months, I think the knowledge of what transpired during that time would cause most people to be uncomfortable, even if it's for a moment.

But. .there's not much you can about it. You either get over it or you don't.

It's been five months since they got back together and she "can't seem to get over it." How much fun you having in this relationship, Op?

I was in the OP's situation once. Broke up with a long term GF for 2 months, in that period she slept with somebody after 4 weeks and we got back together 4 weeks after that.

Never once entered my head that she cheated on me in that period when we were single becasue WE WERE SINGLE. We eventually broke up due to other issues but that guy in the middle never came up once again.

If she had not told me i would never have known so I had to make a decision and be an adult about it. Someone can't cheat on you when they are not your partner.