Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: Is Reconnecting EVER A Good Idea?

  1. #1

    Is Reconnecting EVER A Good Idea?

    First time posting here so I promise to be succinct.

    1.5 years ago I met this girl (we both live in Barcelona) and we hit it off great. Dated for 2 months, great chemistry and by far some of the hottest most fun sex of my life. The time together was a blast too.

    However she had to abruptly go to Venezuela for 2 months to care for a sick relative. And during that time I also went back to Canada for a stay at home which turned into 2 months away. Then I went on a month vacation to Colombia.

    Needless to say we fell out of contact. Then I met a great girl in Colombia who was moving to Barcelona to study and we decided to live together in Barcelona. We were together for a year in what was a nightmare relationship.

    I'm now single again and after a few months of getting better after the break up I am ready to date again.

    However, all I can think of is this girl from 1.5 years ago.

    So I messaged her last week and we chatted a bit. I sense she has her walls way up and she even asked me what happened, why I took her off Instagram/fb, why we stopped talking etc.

    I decided to play it straight with her and told her I was in a relationship that went bad and now I've been single a few months and that I had good memories of her and was hoping we could reconnect as friends and could catch up.

    So far she's agreed to a coffee date this weekend. I've been texting her sparingly so not to blow up her phone and respect her space. She never texts first but always responds, and I've also brought up the coffee date a 2nd time just to make sure she was still into it. She is, but not sure what time she will be available she told me 1pm or maybe a bit later at 5 if it's ok for me.

    The thing is, I get a very stand off-ish vibe from her texts. She keeps it short, spoon feeds me information here and there, and then often abruptly ends the conversation with a "I'm out right now gotta go" or "I'm driving home, can't text. Let's talk later good night."

    So I'm curious...will persistence pay off here if I am just patient and let her come to me at her own pace?

    I sense her walls are up and likely she's trying to feel out if I'm on the rebound and just looking for sex (I'm not and I'd like to see where it would go with her, I do feel like she was the one I should have dated long term)

    Or should I just write this off?

    Would love to hear from those with experience. Thanks.

  2. #2
    ****Quick Update*****

    Got a strange message from her today basically saying "I want to have things clear with you that I have been getting to know someone the last month or so. So I don't want you to expect anything from me other than friendship".

    I found it interesting that she didn't say boyfriend, and didn't cancel our proposed meet up on Saturday.

    I just responded that "my only expectations were building a friendship and having a good conversation like we always have had. Let me know if Saturday still works for you."

    She said she appreciated that I understand what she said and that she will message me tomorrow to confirm for Saturday.

    I actually take this as a good sign. She's a pretty strong woman and very independent so if she's still open to seeing me, even if she is "seeing" someone else, how special can this person be. I get the feeling that her meeting with me is keeping her options open.

    So, I'll approach it without expectations. Just meet with her, keep the conversation light, fun and focused on what's going on for her.

    Thoughts?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,591
    Gender
    Male
    She'll meet to catch up as friends. That's it. It was good you gave her the heads up.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,623
    Gender
    Female
    The thing is, I get a very stand off-ish vibe from her texts. She keeps it short, spoon feeds me information here and there, and then often abruptly ends the conversation with a "I'm out right now gotta go" or "I'm driving home, can't text. Let's talk later good night."
    As she should respond since she has no trust in you. You are basically a stranger who ditched her and have had no contact with her since you did.

    . I get the feeling that her meeting with me is keeping her options open.
    Ya think.

    So, I'll approach it without expectations.
    For someone that's going to do that, you are pretty tense about it all... So tense you had to ask strangers on the internet what we think she's thinking. You want more than a friendship with her so why would you accept only friendship? Seems desperate and I suspect she's sensed that too. Or she's quite wary (as per her terse answers to your contact) because she doesn't believe you.

    Thoughts?
    My first thought was you're incapable of being happy in your own skin and you jump from one relationship into another and now you're trying to jump back to one you previously jumped from even while knowing she upfront has told you that she only wants friendship... You're hoping (which is an expectation of sorts) that you can persuade her to forgo him for you, also an expectation.

    my only expectations were building a friendship
    Uhm... I don't think so.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,640
    Gender
    Female
    My guess is she was disappointed you let the communication slip away. Obviously she wants to be the one being chased. She's going to be leery about your intentions this time around.

    You will find out more about what is going on with her when you meet.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,221
    Gender
    Male
    I was all for this, until your update and interpretation of her text to you. She gracefully and respectfully told you her truthóshe's exploring something with someone, is only interested in friendshipóbut rather than hear that as a full truth you processed it as a challenge, maybe even a half-truth, a "good sign" that she's "keeping her options open" and that her willingness to meet you is a reflection, perhaps, that this mystery man is not so "special."

    In other words, you seem to be approaching this with a very specific set of expectations, despite saying otherwise.

    Can you pour some cold water on those expectations, and just meet her, being genuinely open to whatever? Not just whatever, actually, but being genuinely open to the idea that romance is not an option? I've been in versions of your shoes, with some genuine friendships that came out of such meetings, but I think that's because I've always been a pretty fluid person and I lack that cluster of cells that makes me more interested in people who are interested in people that aren't me.

    It's a bummer, no doubt, since of course you were hoping she was single, that you guys could hang, reconnect, and reignite that spark. But given what she's told you, I think you need to be equally excited about a friendship than all that, since that's what she's putting out there right now. To see that as cracked door to pry open through persistence and charmówell, not cool, and not the foundation of anything but drama. Given that you not long ago extricated yourself from a romance that sounds dramatic, I'd really check your instincts here.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,875
    She is fine being friends with you, but that's where it will likely end.

    There isn't really anything "interesting" in her message; she was honest that she is seeing someone who isn't yet a boyfriend, and wanted to clarify that you'd be meeting as friends. She probably doesn't see a reason not to catch up, really, as long as it's platonic.

    I would keep your expectations very low. It doesn't sound like she was too thrilled to hear from you and essentially be treated as Plan B now that you're single (even if that wasn't your intention, it sure would look like that to me if I were her). See if she follows through with meeting up but don't get your hopes up for something more at this point.

  9. #8
    Well this is extremely thoughtful and well worded advice that I read about 5 times. It's insightful and I appreciate it, i do see the expectation built into what I wrote and what I was thinking. To clarify I don't intend to "game" her or anything like that since that's not a part of who I am or how I approach people. However, I do see that I'm a little attached to an outcome here and that my thinking was that hey, there seems to be a chance her and the fact that she's opening to meeting is indeed a good sign.

    I think your advice to be open to whatever happens and less attached to a specific outcome is the right way to go. I appreciate your response and take your advice to heart.

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I was all for this, until your update and interpretation of her text to you. She gracefully and respectfully told you her truthóshe's exploring something with someone, is only interested in friendshipóbut rather than hear that as a full truth you processed it as a challenge, maybe even a half-truth, a "good sign" that she's "keeping her options open" and that her willingness to meet you is a reflection, perhaps, that this mystery man is not so "special."

    In other words, you seem to be approaching this with a very specific set of expectations, despite saying otherwise.

    Can you pour some cold water on those expectations, and just meet her, being genuinely open to whatever? Not just whatever, actually, but being genuinely open to the idea that romance is not an option? I've been in versions of your shoes, with some genuine friendships that came out of such meetings, but I think that's because I've always been a pretty fluid person and I lack that cluster of cells that makes me more interested in people who are interested in people that aren't me.

    It's a bummer, no doubt, since of course you were hoping she was single, that you guys could hang, reconnect, and reignite that spark. But given what she's told you, I think you need to be equally excited about a friendship than all that, since that's what she's putting out there right now. To see that as cracked door to pry open through persistence and charmówell, not cool, and not the foundation of anything but drama. Given that you not long ago extricated yourself from a romance that sounds dramatic, I'd really check your instincts here.
    Well this is extremely thoughtful and well worded advice that I read about 5 times. It's insightful and I appreciate it, i do see the expectation built into what I wrote and what I was thinking. To clarify I don't intend to "game" her or anything like that since that's not a part of who I am or how I approach people. However, I do see that I'm a little attached to an outcome here and that my thinking was that hey, there seems to be a chance her and the fact that she's opening to meeting is indeed a good sign.

    I think your advice to be open to whatever happens and less attached to a specific outcome is the right way to go. I appreciate your response and take your advice to heart

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    She is fine being friends with you, but that's where it will likely end.

    There isn't really anything "interesting" in her message; she was honest that she is seeing someone who isn't yet a boyfriend, and wanted to clarify that you'd be meeting as friends. She probably doesn't see a reason not to catch up, really, as long as it's platonic.

    I would keep your expectations very low. It doesn't sound like she was too thrilled to hear from you and essentially be treated as Plan B now that you're single (even if that wasn't your intention, it sure would look like that to me if I were her). See if she follows through with meeting up but don't get your hopes up for something more at this point.
    Also good advice here. Thank you. Yes I see your perspective and can see that it may be what she's thinking as well. We genuinely fell out of contact due to obligations we both had, and it was not like I met someone else while seeing her and kicked her to the curb to be with someone new. it was some months after we fell out of contact that I met someone new, so nothing like that. But as I reflect on your advice here, I would also likely be feeling a bit like a "plan B" as well if the roles were reversed here and if I had any interest at all, it would be a guarded interest until I could gauge what this persons intentions were.

    Thanks very much for your response, it's helped me take a moment to better understand what the other person might be experiencing/thinking.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •