Is Reconnecting EVER A Good Idea?

First time posting here so I promise to be succinct.

 

1.5 years ago I met this girl (we both live in Barcelona) and we hit it off great. Dated for 2 months, great chemistry and by far some of the hottest most fun sex of my life. The time together was a blast too.

 

However she had to abruptly go to Venezuela for 2 months to care for a sick relative. And during that time I also went back to Canada for a stay at home which turned into 2 months away. Then I went on a month vacation to Colombia.

 

Needless to say we fell out of contact. Then I met a great girl in Colombia who was moving to Barcelona to study and we decided to live together in Barcelona. We were together for a year in what was a nightmare relationship.

 

I'm now single again and after a few months of getting better after the break up I am ready to date again.

 

However, all I can think of is this girl from 1.5 years ago.

 

So I messaged her last week and we chatted a bit. I sense she has her walls way up and she even asked me what happened, why I took her off Instagram/fb, why we stopped talking etc.

 

I decided to play it straight with her and told her I was in a relationship that went bad and now I've been single a few months and that I had good memories of her and was hoping we could reconnect as friends and could catch up.

 

So far she's agreed to a coffee date this weekend. I've been texting her sparingly so not to blow up her phone and respect her space. She never texts first but always responds, and I've also brought up the coffee date a 2nd time just to make sure she was still into it. She is, but not sure what time she will be available she told me 1pm or maybe a bit later at 5 if it's ok for me.

 

The thing is, I get a very stand off-ish vibe from her texts. She keeps it short, spoon feeds me information here and there, and then often abruptly ends the conversation with a "I'm out right now gotta go" or "I'm driving home, can't text. Let's talk later good night."

 

So I'm curious...will persistence pay off here if I am just patient and let her come to me at her own pace?

 

I sense her walls are up and likely she's trying to feel out if I'm on the rebound and just looking for sex (I'm not and I'd like to see where it would go with her, I do feel like she was the one I should have dated long term)

 

Or should I just write this off?

 

Would love to hear from those with experience. Thanks.

****Quick Update*****

 

Got a strange message from her today basically saying "I want to have things clear with you that I have been getting to know someone the last month or so. So I don't want you to expect anything from me other than friendship".

 

I found it interesting that she didn't say boyfriend, and didn't cancel our proposed meet up on Saturday.

 

I just responded that "my only expectations were building a friendship and having a good conversation like we always have had. Let me know if Saturday still works for you."

 

She said she appreciated that I understand what she said and that she will message me tomorrow to confirm for Saturday.

 

I actually take this as a good sign. She's a pretty strong woman and very independent so if she's still open to seeing me, even if she is "seeing" someone else, how special can this person be. I get the feeling that her meeting with me is keeping her options open.

 

So, I'll approach it without expectations. Just meet with her, keep the conversation light, fun and focused on what's going on for her.

 

Thoughts?

She'll meet to catch up as friends. That's it. It was good you gave her the heads up.

The thing is, I get a very stand off-ish vibe from her texts. She keeps it short, spoon feeds me information here and there, and then often abruptly ends the conversation with a "I'm out right now gotta go" or "I'm driving home, can't text. Let's talk later good night."

As she should respond since she has no trust in you. You are basically a stranger who ditched her and have had no contact with her since you did.

 

. I get the feeling that her meeting with me is keeping her options open.

Ya think.

 

So, I'll approach it without expectations.

 

For someone that's going to do that, you are pretty tense about it all... So tense you had to ask strangers on the internet what we think she's thinking. You want more than a friendship with her so why would you accept only friendship? Seems desperate and I suspect she's sensed that too. Or she's quite wary (as per her terse answers to your contact) because she doesn't believe you.

 

Thoughts?

My first thought was you're incapable of being happy in your own skin and you jump from one relationship into another and now you're trying to jump back to one you previously jumped from even while knowing she upfront has told you that she only wants friendship... You're hoping (which is an expectation of sorts) that you can persuade her to forgo him for you, also an expectation.

 

my only expectations were building a friendship

Uhm... I don't think so.

My guess is she was disappointed you let the communication slip away. Obviously she wants to be the one being chased. She's going to be leery about your intentions this time around.

 

You will find out more about what is going on with her when you meet.

I was all for this, until your update and interpretation of her text to you. She gracefully and respectfully told you her truth—she's exploring something with someone, is only interested in friendship—but rather than hear that as a full truth you processed it as a challenge, maybe even a half-truth, a "good sign" that she's "keeping her options open" and that her willingness to meet you is a reflection, perhaps, that this mystery man is not so "special."

 

In other words, you seem to be approaching this with a very specific set of expectations, despite saying otherwise.

 

Can you pour some cold water on those expectations, and just meet her, being genuinely open to whatever? Not just whatever, actually, but being genuinely open to the idea that romance is not an option? I've been in versions of your shoes, with some genuine friendships that came out of such meetings, but I think that's because I've always been a pretty fluid person and I lack that cluster of cells that makes me more interested in people who are interested in people that aren't me.

 

It's a bummer, no doubt, since of course you were hoping she was single, that you guys could hang, reconnect, and reignite that spark. But given what she's told you, I think you need to be equally excited about a friendship than all that, since that's what she's putting out there right now. To see that as cracked door to pry open through persistence and charm—well, not cool, and not the foundation of anything but drama. Given that you not long ago extricated yourself from a romance that sounds dramatic, I'd really check your instincts here.

She is fine being friends with you, but that's where it will likely end.

 

There isn't really anything "interesting" in her message; she was honest that she is seeing someone who isn't yet a boyfriend, and wanted to clarify that you'd be meeting as friends. She probably doesn't see a reason not to catch up, really, as long as it's platonic.

 

I would keep your expectations very low. It doesn't sound like she was too thrilled to hear from you and essentially be treated as Plan B now that you're single (even if that wasn't your intention, it sure would look like that to me if I were her). See if she follows through with meeting up but don't get your hopes up for something more at this point.

Well this is extremely thoughtful and well worded advice that I read about 5 times. It's insightful and I appreciate it, i do see the expectation built into what I wrote and what I was thinking. To clarify I don't intend to "game" her or anything like that since that's not a part of who I am or how I approach people. However, I do see that I'm a little attached to an outcome here and that my thinking was that hey, there seems to be a chance her and the fact that she's opening to meeting is indeed a good sign.

 

I think your advice to be open to whatever happens and less attached to a specific outcome is the right way to go. I appreciate your response and take your advice to heart.

I was all for this, until your update and interpretation of her text to you. She gracefully and respectfully told you her truth—she's exploring something with someone, is only interested in friendship—but rather than hear that as a full truth you processed it as a challenge, maybe even a half-truth, a "good sign" that she's "keeping her options open" and that her willingness to meet you is a reflection, perhaps, that this mystery man is not so "special."

 

In other words, you seem to be approaching this with a very specific set of expectations, despite saying otherwise.

 

Can you pour some cold water on those expectations, and just meet her, being genuinely open to whatever? Not just whatever, actually, but being genuinely open to the idea that romance is not an option? I've been in versions of your shoes, with some genuine friendships that came out of such meetings, but I think that's because I've always been a pretty fluid person and I lack that cluster of cells that makes me more interested in people who are interested in people that aren't me.

 

It's a bummer, no doubt, since of course you were hoping she was single, that you guys could hang, reconnect, and reignite that spark. But given what she's told you, I think you need to be equally excited about a friendship than all that, since that's what she's putting out there right now. To see that as cracked door to pry open through persistence and charm—well, not cool, and not the foundation of anything but drama. Given that you not long ago extricated yourself from a romance that sounds dramatic, I'd really check your instincts here.

 

Well this is extremely thoughtful and well worded advice that I read about 5 times. It's insightful and I appreciate it, i do see the expectation built into what I wrote and what I was thinking. To clarify I don't intend to "game" her or anything like that since that's not a part of who I am or how I approach people. However, I do see that I'm a little attached to an outcome here and that my thinking was that hey, there seems to be a chance her and the fact that she's opening to meeting is indeed a good sign.

 

I think your advice to be open to whatever happens and less attached to a specific outcome is the right way to go. I appreciate your response and take your advice to heart

She is fine being friends with you, but that's where it will likely end.

 

There isn't really anything "interesting" in her message; she was honest that she is seeing someone who isn't yet a boyfriend, and wanted to clarify that you'd be meeting as friends. She probably doesn't see a reason not to catch up, really, as long as it's platonic.

 

I would keep your expectations very low. It doesn't sound like she was too thrilled to hear from you and essentially be treated as Plan B now that you're single (even if that wasn't your intention, it sure would look like that to me if I were her). See if she follows through with meeting up but don't get your hopes up for something more at this point.

 

Also good advice here. Thank you. Yes I see your perspective and can see that it may be what she's thinking as well. We genuinely fell out of contact due to obligations we both had, and it was not like I met someone else while seeing her and kicked her to the curb to be with someone new. it was some months after we fell out of contact that I met someone new, so nothing like that. But as I reflect on your advice here, I would also likely be feeling a bit like a "plan B" as well if the roles were reversed here and if I had any interest at all, it would be a guarded interest until I could gauge what this persons intentions were.

 

Thanks very much for your response, it's helped me take a moment to better understand what the other person might be experiencing/thinking.

I think your advice to be open to whatever happens and less attached to a specific outcome is the right way to go. I appreciate your response and take your advice to heart

You clearly want more than friendship with her. Question: What is your motive in being reduced from lover to "just friend?" Your guise of going in as just a friend (with or without expectation) is gaming her. At the very least, its disingenuous to both her and more importantly, yourself.

Heh...you took her very straightforward message that this is a strictly friendly catch up and projected a whole lot of personal wishful thinking into it. Anyhoooo.....cool those ideas and expectations, go meet her with an open mind and see what's what. Don't lie about your real motivations though. That's just silly and way too easy to see through from a mile away.

For someone that's going to do that, you are pretty tense about it all... So tense you had to ask strangers on the internet what we think she's thinking. You want more than a friendship with her so why would you accept only friendship? Seems desperate and I suspect she's sensed that too. Or she's quite wary (as per her terse answers to your contact) because she doesn't believe you.

 

Not really feeling tense about it all. Just looking for some advice as I've not reached out to someone from my past before. I'm sorry, is getting advice in these forums from strangers who may have more experience than me not what this entire forum exists for? You've been a member for some time so not sure why that's a problem for you, or that it comes off as "desperate".

 

 

My first thought was you're incapable of being happy in your own skin and you jump from one relationship into another and now you're trying to jump back to one you previously jumped from even while knowing she upfront has told you that she only wants friendship... You're hoping (which is an expectation of sorts) that you can persuade her to forgo him for you, also an expectation.

 

Presumptuous much? I've been single for several months from a breakup that I initiated and haven't dated or had interest in anything other than working on my business, myself, and spending time with friends here in Spain.

 

Also didn't "jump from the previous one", perhaps you missed that in the original post. Yes, I was hoping that there could be the possibility of reconnecting with this person. Sometimes things don't work out, but if I'm still thinking about her, what is there to lose by giving it a shot and seeing where that takes both of us.

 

Not working some nefarious plan. I accept what she said to me, and I'm still open to meet her and see what happens. I don't intend to pressure or game or anything like that.

 

Was just looking for some advice on a forum designed specifically for people to ask for advice on these sorts of things. Apologies if that seems to be a problem for you.

Heh...you took her very straightforward message that this is a strictly friendly catch up and projected a whole lot of personal wishful thinking into it. Anyhoooo.....cool those ideas and expectations, go meet her with an open mind and see what's what. Don't lie about your real motivations though. That's just silly and way too easy to see through from a mile away.

 

I see your perspective here and perhaps I should give more thought to it. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I took her message as a little ambiguous only because, from my own perspective, If I was seeing someone that I liked for a month or more and I was happy with that, and then some person from my past hit me up to meet for coffee I would either not respond at all, or politely say no to their advances.

 

But everyone is different and likely you're completely bang on that I took too much from a straightforward message. I appreciate the response and advice.

She told you very clearly what her dating status is and why she chose to meet with you. Don’t read between the lines or read something into it that you would like it to mean. She’s been honest and upfront with you. If you can’t extend the same courtesy, then perhaps meeting up with her is not such a good idea.

You clearly want more than friendship with her. Question: What is your motive in being reduced from lover to "just friend?" Your guise of going in as just a friend (with or without expectation) is gaming her. At the very least, its disingenuous to both her and more importantly, yourself.

 

Completely agree.

To me, if she really was hot to trot with the other guy, she would be blowing you off. She's got unresolved business with you too. But the fact she's chancing it by getting coffee, she's not fully there with the other dude yet, even as friends...cuz it's not like you were best buds to begin with. You only dated for 2 months. So did you just blow her off or did the communication slow down, then you met a new girl? Cuz, either scenario, that's pretty messed up. I would apologize right away when you see it, and get it out of the way.

Go meet up with her and see how it goes. Dont get your expectations very high. Listen to what she says.

Not really feeling tense about it all. Just looking for some advice as I've not reached out to someone from my past before. I'm sorry, is getting advice in these forums from strangers who may have more experience than me not what this entire forum exists for?

Yes... and that's what I've given you... my advice as I see it.

You've been a member for some time so not sure why that's a problem for you,

Why do you think that me saying something you don't like is a problem for me? It's just my advice on how I see it. Take it or leave it.

or that it comes off as "desperate".

What precedes what your asking advise on is what appears as being desperate to me. If you don't think trying to get back with someone who is involved with someone and who wants to demote you to just friend as not being desperate then that is okay by me... It's just the way I see it.

 

 

 

 

Presumptuous much? I've been single for several months

To me that is not any length of time.

 

Also didn't "jump from the previous one", perhaps you missed that in the original post.

No I didn't miss it. I just don't agree that you didn't jump. We can agree to disagree on that.

Yes, I was hoping that there could be the possibility of reconnecting with this person. Sometimes things don't work out, but if I'm still thinking about her, what is there to lose by giving it a shot and seeing where that takes both of us.

I think I've layed out why. Up to you whether you go in with disingenuine intentions (like wanting just friendship) or not. I'm just doing what you asked, giving an opinion.

 

Not working some nefarious plan. I accept what she said to me, and I'm still open to meet her and see what happens. I don't intend to pressure or game or anything like that.

Going in with the intention of just friendship is not what you're doing though. You want more than that from her. You are gaming not just her, but yourself.

 

Was just looking for some advice on a forum designed specifically for people to ask for advice on these sorts of things.

And that is what I gave you. Apologies if you didn't hear what you wanted to hear from me. I never give enabling advice to anyone.

Apologies if that seems to be a problem for you.

Why would you try and deflect in some way back to me? There is no "problem" for me whatsoever however there is a problem for you in what you read in my advice. Advice that was free for you to take or leave as you will. I think I may have hit some sort of a nerve which has made you defensive and deflective. I suppose if that is true at least I've given you something to think about rather than what you had (apparently) already decided to do and were just looking for validation on that decision.

 

Genuine intentions are important here. IMO there isn't much worth in being a so called friend to someone you are longing to be with in a romantic way. It just stymies you from finding someone you can be with in all ways. Not only that, there aren't too many people out there that are jiggy with their partner being one-on-one opposite sex friends with someone they once had hot fun sex with and with whom they still would like to be having.

 

Good luck.

I see your perspective here and perhaps I should give more thought to it. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I took her message as a little ambiguous only because, from my own perspective, If I was seeing someone that I liked for a month or more and I was happy with that, and then some person from my past hit me up to meet for coffee I would either not respond at all, or politely say no to their advances.

 

But everyone is different and likely you're completely bang on that I took too much from a straightforward message. I appreciate the response and advice.

 

I think you have to keep in mind that different people view opposite sex friendships differently. She said friends only, so if you still go, you are accepting those terms. So for her, that's cool and above board. It can also be simple curiosity, wanting to know what happened back then that you disconnected and just wanting to chat and catch up. Again not everyone will see this sort of thing as some kind of taboo behavior...... I guess what I'm getting at is meeting to catch up and chat doesn't imply romantic interest of any kind. You really can't and shouldn't apply the idea that if you wouldn't do that, that means nobody else would either. Different strokes..... That and women are really good at friend zoning.

Hi!

 

Welcome aboard as a new poster [emoji4]

 

I think you should ask yourself, are you, as a newly single person, that is figuring things out in this new life, looking back through your past with rosy glasses?

 

I think many on and off relationships start out via this route. You were with someone else, no cares for this other girl and now you're single....

 

I think we all look back over our lives when we have break ups... and there is an obvious void, that daily contact, caring for someone, etc. We search back through the old little black book for who did I miss?

 

But the other side of that is, your previous partner, she is pretty innocent now, living their own life, moving on.... so my point is regardless of what is happening with you, are you contacting her for the right reasons?

 

Its not fair to interfere with her life, when maybe you are unsure of you're own.

 

Then add in, what if this other guy is a chance for her to be happy. Then you, come in and confuse her feelings.

 

I think now, that you know about the other guy, It is the time to say, I'm glad you met someone, if you decide he isn't for you, call me.

 

clearly stating the intent was to date, but understand she has her own life....is the best way to handle it. stay out of her situation and cause no harm.

 

Sadly, timing is a killer sometimes... But Honesty and consideration for others never fails.

 

She already has her guard up, understandably so... if you want to build trust and show consideration for her and have a shot in the long run, I think you need to be completely honest and roll the dice.

 

If you don't have intent for a long run with her, then there's another clear sign to stay out of her life.

 

The world is full of people and opportunities. Don't let the pain of a recent break up make you feel like you don't have options. You do. We all do.

 

Good luck!

Welcome to ENA

 

You were honest which is good. She was eventually honest which is also good. Getting to know someone can mean 100 different things to 100 different people.

 

Leave the other guy out of any conversations and if she brings him up be polite and listen as a good friend would. Keep it light when you meet and stop trying to figure out what she is thinking or feeling until you are actually in a position where it matters. You have plans with her so keep them and catch up and see what happens. One thing at a time just like you never met before. Get the first meet and then see if she is interested in seeing more of you.

 

If you bail you are basically making her choice for her. She didn't say she is in a relationship, she didn't say she doesn't want to see you so stick with those facts, meet her and enjoy the company. If nothing else comes of it you will be in her mind if things don't work out with this other guy.

 

I know you want to date her, you know you want to date her and she knows you want to date her. Let that elephant sit in the corner and see what happens...

 

Lost

Is there a particular reason why you unfriended her on your social media? I mean even if you had begun dating someone else, why go out there and intentionally unfriend her from your socials if up until then you were good friends. No wonder her walls are up. You have been unpredictable since she’s met you. From hanging out all the time to ghosting her and then reaching out years later. Definitely suspicious. I say go ahead with meeting her for coffee for a quick catchup if it’s important to you. But don’t view her starting something with someone else as a challenge for you to overcome. It’s disrespectful to her.

Also personally, if an old fling asked to meet up strictly as friends and I really had a good time with this guy, I’d likely accept the invitation even if I was happily dating someone else. I’m just the type of person who sees no harm in reconnecting with friends especially if there were good times and a nice connection. It wouldn’t at all mean I was intending on assessing potential romance. It would probably be due to sheer curiosity or boredom. Everyone is different. Be careful not to be too presumptuous.

That being said, I think you’ll have all the answers to your questions at the meet. It’s really difficult to gauge anything based off a few exchanges. Go with an open mind & with zero expectations. Good luck:)