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Thread: Is Reconnecting EVER A Good Idea?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think your advice to be open to whatever happens and less attached to a specific outcome is the right way to go. I appreciate your response and take your advice to heart
    You clearly want more than friendship with her. Question: What is your motive in being reduced from lover to "just friend?" Your guise of going in as just a friend (with or without expectation) is gaming her. At the very least, its disingenuous to both her and more importantly, yourself.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Heh...you took her very straightforward message that this is a strictly friendly catch up and projected a whole lot of personal wishful thinking into it. Anyhoooo.....cool those ideas and expectations, go meet her with an open mind and see what's what. Don't lie about your real motivations though. That's just silly and way too easy to see through from a mile away.

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    For someone that's going to do that, you are pretty tense about it all... So tense you had to ask strangers on the internet what we think she's thinking. You want more than a friendship with her so why would you accept only friendship? Seems desperate and I suspect she's sensed that too. Or she's quite wary (as per her terse answers to your contact) because she doesn't believe you.
    Not really feeling tense about it all. Just looking for some advice as I've not reached out to someone from my past before. I'm sorry, is getting advice in these forums from strangers who may have more experience than me not what this entire forum exists for? You've been a member for some time so not sure why that's a problem for you, or that it comes off as "desperate".


    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    My first thought was you're incapable of being happy in your own skin and you jump from one relationship into another and now you're trying to jump back to one you previously jumped from even while knowing she upfront has told you that she only wants friendship... You're hoping (which is an expectation of sorts) that you can persuade her to forgo him for you, also an expectation.
    Presumptuous much? I've been single for several months from a breakup that I initiated and haven't dated or had interest in anything other than working on my business, myself, and spending time with friends here in Spain.

    Also didn't "jump from the previous one", perhaps you missed that in the original post. Yes, I was hoping that there could be the possibility of reconnecting with this person. Sometimes things don't work out, but if I'm still thinking about her, what is there to lose by giving it a shot and seeing where that takes both of us.

    Not working some nefarious plan. I accept what she said to me, and I'm still open to meet her and see what happens. I don't intend to pressure or game or anything like that.

    Was just looking for some advice on a forum designed specifically for people to ask for advice on these sorts of things. Apologies if that seems to be a problem for you.

  4. #14
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Heh...you took her very straightforward message that this is a strictly friendly catch up and projected a whole lot of personal wishful thinking into it. Anyhoooo.....cool those ideas and expectations, go meet her with an open mind and see what's what. Don't lie about your real motivations though. That's just silly and way too easy to see through from a mile away.
    I see your perspective here and perhaps I should give more thought to it. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I took her message as a little ambiguous only because, from my own perspective, If I was seeing someone that I liked for a month or more and I was happy with that, and then some person from my past hit me up to meet for coffee I would either not respond at all, or politely say no to their advances.

    But everyone is different and likely you're completely bang on that I took too much from a straightforward message. I appreciate the response and advice.

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  6. #15
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    She told you very clearly what her dating status is and why she chose to meet with you. Donít read between the lines or read something into it that you would like it to mean. Sheís been honest and upfront with you. If you canít extend the same courtesy, then perhaps meeting up with her is not such a good idea.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You clearly want more than friendship with her. Question: What is your motive in being reduced from lover to "just friend?" Your guise of going in as just a friend (with or without expectation) is gaming her. At the very least, its disingenuous to both her and more importantly, yourself.
    Completely agree.

  8. #17
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    To me, if she really was hot to trot with the other guy, she would be blowing you off. She's got unresolved business with you too. But the fact she's chancing it by getting coffee, she's not fully there with the other dude yet, even as friends...cuz it's not like you were best buds to begin with. You only dated for 2 months. So did you just blow her off or did the communication slow down, then you met a new girl? Cuz, either scenario, that's pretty messed up. I would apologize right away when you see it, and get it out of the way.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Go meet up with her and see how it goes. Dont get your expectations very high. Listen to what she says.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Stevo11171
    Not really feeling tense about it all. Just looking for some advice as I've not reached out to someone from my past before. I'm sorry, is getting advice in these forums from strangers who may have more experience than me not what this entire forum exists for?
    Yes... and that's what I've given you... my advice as I see it.
    You've been a member for some time so not sure why that's a problem for you,
    Why do you think that me saying something you don't like is a problem for me? It's just my advice on how I see it. Take it or leave it.
    or that it comes off as "desperate".
    What precedes what your asking advise on is what appears as being desperate to me. If you don't think trying to get back with someone who is involved with someone and who wants to demote you to just friend as not being desperate then that is okay by me... It's just the way I see it.




    Presumptuous much? I've been single for several months
    To me that is not any length of time.

    Also didn't "jump from the previous one", perhaps you missed that in the original post.
    No I didn't miss it. I just don't agree that you didn't jump. We can agree to disagree on that.
    Yes, I was hoping that there could be the possibility of reconnecting with this person. Sometimes things don't work out, but if I'm still thinking about her, what is there to lose by giving it a shot and seeing where that takes both of us.
    I think I've layed out why. Up to you whether you go in with disingenuine intentions (like wanting just friendship) or not. I'm just doing what you asked, giving an opinion.

    Not working some nefarious plan. I accept what she said to me, and I'm still open to meet her and see what happens. I don't intend to pressure or game or anything like that.
    Going in with the intention of just friendship is not what you're doing though. You want more than that from her. You are gaming not just her, but yourself.

    Was just looking for some advice on a forum designed specifically for people to ask for advice on these sorts of things.
    And that is what I gave you. Apologies if you didn't hear what you wanted to hear from me. I never give enabling advice to anyone.
    Apologies if that seems to be a problem for you.
    Why would you try and deflect in some way back to me? There is no "problem" for me whatsoever however there is a problem for you in what you read in my advice. Advice that was free for you to take or leave as you will. I think I may have hit some sort of a nerve which has made you defensive and deflective. I suppose if that is true at least I've given you something to think about rather than what you had (apparently) already decided to do and were just looking for validation on that decision.

    Genuine intentions are important here. IMO there isn't much worth in being a so called friend to someone you are longing to be with in a romantic way. It just stymies you from finding someone you can be with in all ways. Not only that, there aren't too many people out there that are jiggy with their partner being one-on-one opposite sex friends with someone they once had hot fun sex with and with whom they still would like to be having.

    Good luck.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Stevo11171
    I see your perspective here and perhaps I should give more thought to it. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I took her message as a little ambiguous only because, from my own perspective, If I was seeing someone that I liked for a month or more and I was happy with that, and then some person from my past hit me up to meet for coffee I would either not respond at all, or politely say no to their advances.

    But everyone is different and likely you're completely bang on that I took too much from a straightforward message. I appreciate the response and advice.
    I think you have to keep in mind that different people view opposite sex friendships differently. She said friends only, so if you still go, you are accepting those terms. So for her, that's cool and above board. It can also be simple curiosity, wanting to know what happened back then that you disconnected and just wanting to chat and catch up. Again not everyone will see this sort of thing as some kind of taboo behavior...... I guess what I'm getting at is meeting to catch up and chat doesn't imply romantic interest of any kind. You really can't and shouldn't apply the idea that if you wouldn't do that, that means nobody else would either. Different strokes..... That and women are really good at friend zoning. :P

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