Current situation

I dated a girl for 7 months. Things were going good. Unfortunately I was unemployed, didn't have much going on besides her and she got smothered. A month before we broke up, she offered me a job at her company. She became my boss.

6 months in the relationship I was at her place 5 to 6 times a week with her cooking, cleaning, etc on top of that spending a lot of time together at work. I live with a roomate. So our relationship was around her house.

Eventually with her smothered, telling me so.. Arguments started. In one fight, I pushed her and she took it as domestic violence and kicked me out. I begged and chased for a month and she blocked me everywhere even on her daughter's phone.

One month later of no contact. She unblocked me and reached out. My son was spending Christmas with me (he lives with his mother in another country) and she asked if she could pick him up to spend a night at her place because her daughter and my son her friends. We exchange a few texts, she came to pick the kid and dropped him off. All went well. I asked her for coffee she said no. I didnt see her in this instance, my other ex was at my place (my kid's mom) and handled the exchange with her. I went no contact again.

3 weeks later, she sent me a random msg. Again I asked her for drinks she said no. I ended up arguing with her by text and blowing up her phone, she told me to stop it. I went back to no contact.

2 weeks later she reached out again (again my son was visiting me) asking to pick up the kid. This time I dropped him off at her place per her request. I went over to her doorstep with my son. Her daughter opened the door. My ex didn't want to come to say hi, was hidden in the toilet. I called her from the outside of the house asked if she wanted to come out to say hi, she said "no need".

We exchanged a few cordial msgs, but then we started arguing. I insulted her saying lots of nasty stuff. She showed up at my doorstep unannounced to bring a couple of things my son had left at her place, I opened the door (I hadn't seen her in 3 months), she looked me in the eye and said "I'm done, you send me all these messages threating me, I'm done... You make me sick, I despise you, I never want anything to do with you, you are still the same unstable guy unsafe guy. She got in the car and left. She blocked me again and told me she is seeing someone and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

We have been broken up for 5 months now.

My situation now is, I got a job, a car, back to gym, I got my own place and my son is moving to live with me and start school etc.

Even though I'm now blocked, she will eventually reach out sooner or later asking permission to pick up my kid now and then for playdates especially when he moves here next summer.

I'm in no contact for 3 weeks now.

How to proceed from here?

You broke up 5 months ago.

Your kid doesn’t need play dates with hers. They will have forgotten each other by then.

There is no next time.

She doesn’t care that you have a job or car or renting a place to stay or go to the gym.

She dated you when you didn’t have any of that , which clearly means she didn’t care about it.

You have got to move on , learn from past mistakes, understand compatibility and mature adult communication. And lack of.

And again you need to stop using your kid! Or allowing anyone else to.

You have taken no advice on board that was given on here previously from anyone.

I hope the changes you have made were for the benefit of your kid and yourself and not to get back with someone you were incompatible with and hurled nasty messages to. ???

How to proceed from here?

The same advice you received in your multiple other threads on the same woman: move on.

It's over and you're not going to get back together.

Sounds like it's over.

She showed up at my doorstep unannounced to bring a couple of things my son had left at her place, I opened the door she looked me in the eye and said "I'm done, you send me all these messages threating me, I'm done... You make me sick, I despise you, I never want anything to do with you, you are still the same unstable guy unsafe guy".

You must be thick as a brick. You wrote copious pages of text here about this same woman, your kid, her kid. Buddy, you need to get it thru your skull she is not interested in you anymore. How many times do you have to hear this? You have to drop this before you end with a restraining order against yourself.

Now that you have your life in a good place you can meet new women.

This one does not want to be with you. You must accept that it's over.

If you refuse to accept it, please seek professional help because this obsession is unhealthy.

you are still the same unstable guy unsafe guy.

Get help for your control freak tendencies, your need to get your own way is beyond unreasonable, your need to not lose when you want to win is scary at best and sociopathic at worst.

Your kid and hers do not need to be keeping the connection to this woman going. If she calls you to arrange a playdate then don't answer her for goodness sakes... Surely your common sense, for once can overrule your need to keep this BS with her going.

Invite some friends from your son's school over for a playdate and leave the woman and her daughter to themselves.

In the meantime get the professional help you need to learn when to stop harassing like you have. It's unbecoming, controlling, obsessive thinking at it's finest.

You have received tons of advice on this.

Seek out a therapist.

You having not job and crap had nothing to do with why this relationship fell apart. It was you lack of coping skills and anger issues. You need to admit you have a problem, take accountability for it and get some help. Until then, this will keep happening to you. Having your act together is only a small portion of what you need to do with yourself.

I sent her several texts and emails apologizing but she doesn't really care. I'm on no contact for a month., I'm not reaching out to her anymore. If she reaches out ill be polite and cordial, won't ask her out anymore.

I sent her several texts and emails apologizing but she doesn't really care. I'm on no contact for a month., I'm not reaching out to her anymore. If she reaches out ill be polite and cordial, won't ask her out anymore.

You said that last time. I hope you can stick to it this time.

I disagree. Not having a job, and a life own my own, led to smother her without any doubt. A man not having goals, a focus, money etc.. Will focus in the only think he has, the relationship. I wanted to spend all my time with her. She even told me many times, I feel smother. And this was before the fight.

I think she had commitment issues also. She had 4 boyfriends and another 4 or 5 flings and she left all the guys at a drop of a dime.

Dude.....you SHOVED her - that's physical violence and anger issues on your part. She was right to kick you out immediately. Your ongoing obsession and multiple threads show that you continue to be unstable. Get help and leave her alone.

I disagree. Not having a job, and a life own my own, led to smother her without any doubt. A man not having goals, a focus, money etc.. Will focus in the only think he has, the relationship. I wanted to spend all my time with her. She even told me many times, I feel smother. And this was before the fight.

 

I think she had commitment issues also. She had 4 boyfriends and another 4 or 5 flings and she left all the guys at a drop of a dime.

Then ask yourself why you want to be with someone like that? You're not an emotionally mature man if you are still hounding to be with a piece of work like her. Please work on your self so you choose better, react better to your emotions and so your son is left out of your dysfunctional so called "love" life.

If she reaches out ill be polite and cordial, won't ask her out anymore.

I just wanna work on myself so next relationship I won't smother my partner, trying to build a nice life on my own with my son.

I just wanna work on myself so next relationship I won't smother my partner, trying to build a nice life on my own with my son.

This is good, because ultimately it's that work you do on yourself that will allow you to have a healthy relationship in your future.

Multiple times you have responded to being triggered by getting nasty and eventually with physical violence. You claim it was the result of not working that drove you to smother her and eventually respond to her with violence... at the end of the day though, you need to be able to cope with whatever life hands you in a sane adult manner without getting violent... because life is life, bad things happen, and it's not the fault of your work, your girlfriend, or anything outside yourself that causes you to react the way you do... that's all on you.

I just wanna work on myself so next relationship I won't smother my partner, trying to build a nice life on my own with my son.

I think you would do better on working on yourself with the help of a therapist that will give you coping strategies on how you react to your own emotions. He/she will also guide you in forming personal boundaries so that you don't accept and try and maintain dysfunctional relationships and instead you will recognize it when you are in one and have the confidence to get yourself out of one asap.

Its good that you want to work on yourself. The first step is leaving people behind that you know are not a good influence to your goal of being the best you that you can be.

I don't know why she's asking you for visitation with your kid when your relationship is over. I also don't know why you keep granting it. This shows poor boundaries on the part of both of you. Your kid is not hers. She has no right to ask for visitation. Your relationship is over, so let it end. Stop talking to her and sever her from your life and move on.

Stop letting your kid be used as a tool in this pathetic situation. She doesnt want ytou back. Your kid should not be seeing her or her kid. Grow a set of balls.

Why are you so obsessed with this woman? MOVE ON.

Should she reach out to you yet again, simply tell her it's over, ghost, block and delete.

I sent her several texts and emails apologizing but she doesn't really care. I'm on no contact for a month., I'm not reaching out to her anymore. If she reaches out ill be polite and cordial, won't ask her out anymore.

We'll see if you really mean this.

I don't think she will ever forgive me being abusive. After all I pushed her during an argument. And then all the angry msgs and emails begging and chasing for weeks and weeks.

What to do now?

I have apologized to her several times.

Any point after say, 2 or 3 months of no contact to write her something, maybe a letter telling her sorry for the past and that I still care for her and her daughter.? Or this is just beta and makes me look weak and her think I'll never change and be forever stuck on her? I am 1 month no contact now.

What are you not getting, OP?

Leave the woman alone. It's over.

The first and only thing you should do is get professional help. Seriously.

Your refusal to accept that this is over is scary. Leave the poor woman alone.

I have been in no contact for a month. I haven't bothered her at all. I just wish there was something to do. I sent her an apology email a month ago, right after our last arguments when she picked up my son up last time. She showed up unannounced at my doorstep with an excuse to bring some stuff my son had left at her place. I opened the door, she looked me in the eye and said "I'm done, you sent me all these msgs threating me, I despise you, you make me sick, I never want anything to do with you."..then she left. I had no time to even speak.

1 week later I sent her the follow email, she didn't reply. And I have been in no contact since. It has been one month.

Hi,

I've had time to reflect and think and I wanted you to know how sorry I am and how much I love you.

I wish I could take that night back at your place where I was abusive. Last week, I said things I didn't mean in the heat of the moment because you matter so much to me that you affect me a lot, sometimes I lose control. I'm going to be better about that, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am.