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Need advice: should I ask for sex or not?


Seff

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So I met this girl at work about 5 years ago. We sat next to each other and really hit it off.... She was dating my boss at the time... But at that same time she also said she wanted to be cuddle buddies with me and nothing more... Although I was very attracted to her, since she said she was only interested in cuddling, I started to think of her kind of like a sister, someone I care for, would like to be close to, but in a platonic way.

 

Although I soon quit that job, we remained in contact over the years, seeing each other every once in a while, and talking on social media.

I always tried to be as supportive as I could to her, like I would anyone I care for.

 

Her and my ex boss broke up a while ago already...

Although she originally told me that she was only interested in cuddling with me, the last few times we met up, she hinted else wise.

Now 2 nights ago, she told me on snapchat that she wants to be fvck buddies....

 

I told her no, that we will be just cuddle buddies.

See, I told her no because the thing is, I'm pretty darn sure that she is just trying to be nice to me. And that she would in fact rather be just cuddle buddies as she originally told me.

 

I think that I would feel really good about myself, if I never asked her for sex, and we remained just good friends and cuddle buddies.

 

But on the other hand, well like I am a guy, I do have needs....she said she was going to perform my favorite sex act for me..... And I don't have any other prospects at this time....

 

So I dunno I already said we'd just be cuddle buddies but we did leave the other option as a possibility. I said only if it feels right.

 

I dunno what is right though. Being "nice" to myself I guess I would ask her for sex. I am super horny with no other prospects lol. Being a good friend and remaining cuddle buddies makes me feel real good inside. What to do?

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She is not interested in you either for cuddles or sex.

She is only interested in you ( and several others) for attention .

She probably won’t deliver on either cuddles or sex , 5 years later you have got neither.

 

She is using you in between men she is interested in. Purely for attention. And you are giving her that with nothing in return.

 

That’s not unlike paying for a prostitute that then doesn’t show up.

 

Why???

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Ok, if both of you want fwb why not just do that? Just make clear that you have no interest in dating or being exclusive.

Now 2 nights ago, she told me on snapchat that she wants to be fvck buddies........she said she was going to perform my favorite sex act for me.

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It sounds like you’ve developed feelings for her that you are afraid may grow deeper were the two of you to have sex. Which is the perfect recipe to set yourself up for pain. It doesn’t sound like she has any especially deep feelings for you and sees you as simply someone who will meet her needs. If you’re happy with that dynamic, that’s fine. But leave it as it is and don’t escalate the physical side of it unless you want to set yourself up for inevitable hurt when you feel the growing intensity of your bond with her that she doesn’t share.

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If she is offering then it's her responsibility to deal with her own emotions attached to it.

You are mind reading (maybe incorrectly) and trying to manage this for her by saying no on her behalf?

 

She's a grown woman capable of making decisions and acting on them. She's also responsible for the consequences, if there are any.

 

You handle your own.

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Wth is a cuddle buddy? Sounds like PC speak for I don't have the cojones to date her or get rid of her if she isn't on the same page dating wise. Do you cuddle your guy friends? No....I would think.... Can't call this a platonic friendship either since you are pining for more.

 

Anyway, she offered an fwb, read that as she will use you for sex and attention but doesn't see you as dating material. That's not going to change no matter how much you pander to her and pretend that you are just a pal. If you want casual sex, all you have to do is say yes to that and don't get attached. If you think you will get even more attached, then walk away. Get over her and find a woman to date who actually wants to date you for real, aka actually likes you and wants to treat you like a man, not a patsy.

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She is not interested in you either for cuddles or sex.

She is only interested in you ( and several others) for attention .

She probably won’t deliver on either cuddles or sex , 5 years later you have got neither.

 

She is using you in between men she is interested in. Purely for attention. And you are giving her that with nothing in return.

 

That’s not unlike paying for a prostitute that then doesn’t show up.

 

Why???

 

 

Well she is a bit of an attention seeker, I'll grant you that. We have set a date for our first cuddle session so you are mistaken else wise.

Also please don't compare someone I care about to a prostitute. thank you.

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Well she is a bit of an attention seeker, I'll grant you that. We have set a date for our first cuddle session so you are mistaken else wise.

Also please don't compare someone I care about to a prostitute. thank you.

 

I think I understand the whole cuddling thing. It's just a shared interest that the two of you are comfortable with. Totally harmless unless you're assigning more significance to it than that in your own mind. Are you? If so, I'd advise you to ask yourself why that is. Do you like this woman as more than just a friend? If so, as I advised you before, I'd back away from the idea of having sex with her. Based on what you've written in your posts, I'm sure she does not share your feelings.

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It sounds like you’ve developed feelings for her that you are afraid may grow deeper were the two of you to have sex. Which is the perfect recipe to set yourself up for pain. It doesn’t sound like she has any especially deep feelings for you and sees you as simply someone who will meet her needs. If you’re happy with that dynamic, that’s fine. But leave it as it is and don’t escalate the physical side of it unless you want to set yourself up for inevitable hurt when you feel the growing intensity of your bond with her that she doesn’t share.

 

I can see why you might think that... Yes I'm quite aware she doesn't have any deep feelings for me. My feelings for her are there but not too too deep either. I also see her as someone who meets my needs... I'm 100% introverted. I don't go out much. She's extroverted and when we hang out she always introduces me to a bunch of peeps, and we always have good times... I definitely value our dynamic/friendship a lot the way it is now...

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If she is offering then it's her responsibility to deal with her own emotions attached to it.

You are mind reading (maybe incorrectly) and trying to manage this for her by saying no on her behalf?

 

She's a grown woman capable of making decisions and acting on them. She's also responsible for the consequences, if there are any.

 

You handle your own.

 

What you say does make sense, but still not sure it's the right advice for me.

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Wth is a cuddle buddy? Sounds like PC speak for I don't have the cojones to date her or get rid of her if she isn't on the same page dating wise. Do you cuddle your guy friends? No....I would think.... Can't call this a platonic friendship either since you are pining for more.

 

Anyway, she offered an fwb, read that as she will use you for sex and attention but doesn't see you as dating material. That's not going to change no matter how much you pander to her and pretend that you are just a pal. If you want casual sex, all you have to do is say yes to that and don't get attached. If you think you will get even more attached, then walk away. Get over her and find a woman to date who actually wants to date you for real, aka actually likes you and wants to treat you like a man, not a patsy.

 

 

No no, none of this noise.

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I think I understand the whole cuddling thing. It's just a shared interest that the two of you are comfortable with. Totally harmless unless you're assigning more significance to it than that in your own mind. Are you? If so, I'd advise you to ask yourself why that is. Do you like this woman as more than just a friend? If so, as I advised you before, I'd back away from the idea of having sex with her. Based on what you've written in your posts, I'm sure she does not share your feelings.

 

 

Thanks for your understanding. No I'm totally not assigning it any more significance. Nor do I see her as a potential girlfriend. I do see her as a good friend, and someone who can/has introduced me to a lot of other people and women.

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Use protection! Don't rely on her even if she absolutely swears and pinky promises she's on BC or "can't" get pregnant or is "clean".

 

Condoms every time, a new one every time and dispose of them in a way that she can't retrieve them (yes, some women have done this!)

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I can see why you might think that... Yes I'm quite aware she doesn't have any deep feelings for me. My feelings for her are there but not too too deep either. I also see her as someone who meets my needs... I'm 100% introverted. I don't go out much. She's extroverted and when we hang out she always introduces me to a bunch of peeps, and we always have good times... I definitely value our dynamic/friendship a lot the way it is now...

 

Then you know adding sex to the equation is going to change it for you. Look before you leap. Make sure all of your choices generate from between your ears as opposed to other areas of your anatomy.

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Use protection! Don't rely on her even if she absolutely swears and pinky promises she's on BC or "can't" get pregnant or is "clean".

 

Condoms every time, a new one every time and dispose of them in a way that she can't retrieve them (yes, some women have done this!)

 

And this. A million times this. Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant. Of course abstaining from being her sex buddy is the best way to insure that doesn't happen. But if you do go that route, be sure to protect yourself from any unwanted pregnancy. This should be foremost and utmost in your mind should you decide to take that step. Don't get more than you bargained for.

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If you add sex into the equation, you can never be friends again like you are now. It could possibly make things awkward and weird. It could also trigger feelings in you that she does not share or won't feel back.

 

There is the possibility too that the sex ends up being so bad that neither of you want to even talk anymore.

 

"Free" sex, isn't free, there will be a price to pay.

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And this. A million times this. Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant. Of course abstaining from being her sex buddy is the best way to insure that doesn't happen. But if you do go that route, be sure to protect yourself from any unwanted pregnancy. This should be foremost and utmost in your mind should you decide to take that step. Don't get more than you bargained for.

 

Umm yeah. I mean while it's always good to advocate for using protection, to protect against STIs and unwanted pregnancies it's completely un-needed here:

 

1) I'm not a virgin and though I normally wouldn't brag, it seems relevant to state here, that this lowly introvert has actually had a lot of sex. And I always use protection.

2) It should be clear by what I've stated so far that I'm not in fact gearing up to have sex with her.

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If you add sex into the equation, you can never be friends again like you are now. It could possibly make things awkward and weird. It could also trigger feelings in you that she does not share or won't feel back.

 

There is the possibility too that the sex ends up being so bad that neither of you want to even talk anymore.

 

"Free" sex, isn't free, there will be a price to pay.

 

Well yeah, that is, in part, the conventional wisdom. And it may in fact be true, that it would alter our dynamic. Something I've previously stated I wouldn't like to change.

 

I somehow doubt the sex would be so bad we wouldn't want to talk to each other though... Give us more credit than that!

 

Plus I mean I didn't mention this, but she was talking about gratifying me, much more than pleasing herself. And I've never come away from a bj thinking I never wanna talk to that girl again. LOL

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