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Thread: I pushed her away, but I'm still thinking about her.

  1. #1
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    I pushed her away, but I'm still thinking about her.

    I'll try and keep this brief. I'm a single dad two kiddos, divorced for 6 years. I was seeing someone 2 years after my marriage ended for about 2 years until she had an amazing job opportunity turn up overseas. She I think wanted to stay for me, but I kind of pushed her away because I didn't want to be the reason she turned it down. She has been there 2 and 1/2 years now and we have kept in contact.
    One of the reasons I wanted her go do her thing was I was still so unsure about what it was I wanted. I didn't want to be stringing her along, or worse, told her I wanted her to stay and then found out that things were not going to work and she miss out on the opportunity. I wasn't sure I could commit to her.

    She has told me a lot that she still thinks of me a lot and wishes we could be together. I do think of her a lot too. She was someone I connected with so well in a lot of ways. But I felt like the intimacy was lacking in a lot of ways. I felt like I needed more, and that maybe I would find it with someone else. I was sad to end things with her, but also excited for what the future may hold.

    I have since met a lot of nice girls, I have had some great connections with great intimacy. But for some reason I keep thinking about her.
    Even though I know that certain intimate connections were lacking, which were also sexual attraction related. I still think of her because I don't think anyone has ever cared for me like her. She was great with my kids and they loved her too.

    I know she has plans to come home from overseas at some point soon, and I could probably rekindle things with her. I feel like I could finally get on with my life living, doing fun things together, not constantly chasing the illusive "one". I was happy around her in a partner sort of way.
    What I'm worried about, is will my worries regarding intimacy and attraction be too strong for it to work? Will I always look for greener grass? Or is the ty feeling I have when I imagine her not being in my life more important? Is it the sign that intimacy and attraction aren't everything?

    I know that the issues I had when we were together were an important side to my decisions, and I feel incredibly anxious about it. But maybe I should look past this and go for who feels like home? Very confused :/

    Any advice warmly welcomed, thanks.

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    Three things. First, you have to know if you genuinely feel reciprocal love for and from her. Secondly, no partner is perfect, but the good has to outweigh the bad in order for you to be happy. Third, whatever things you aren’t thrilled about can’t be non-negotiable for you. They have to be things you are willing to accept and can live with peacefully and with contentment. These are questions only you have the answers to. You just have to be willing to be perfectly honest with yourself about it. Search your soul and there in lies your answer.

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    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Im also in my 40s with a couple of kids.

    When I read your post I immediately thought You dont know unless you try.

    Time has passed, youve both had some separate experiences and youre both still into one another...when and if she gets back home and the opportunity arises, why not ask her out? You can postulate and speculate endlessly but theres no way to really know unless you meet up with an open heart and an open mind.

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    Originally Posted by coolio
    What I'm worried about, is will my worries regarding intimacy and attraction be too strong for it to work? Will I always look for greener grass? Or is the ty feeling I have when I imagine her not being in my life more important? Is it the sign that intimacy and attraction aren't everything?
    Had you always felt this was lacking between you two?

    If so, then I think you're going to find it hard to bury those doubts now as well.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sometimes what feels like home isn't good for us. This certainly sounds like such a case. Intimacy issues don't go away, they only become magnified with time.

    Breaking up and setting her free was the right decision. Where you went wrong is staying in touch. Instead of healing, moving on, and leaving her in the past, you've kept her in the forefront. What does that do? Creates the messy situation emotionally that you are in now - a good dose of fantasy of how great you two were while the serious issues are getting minimized and swept under the rug. The illusion of the one who got away, except that it is just mostly fantasy and illusion. So long as you keep that story going in your head, no other women will ever measure up even if they are ten times better for you and better than her.

    The other part of it that really stood out to me is that you don't care so much about her, but rather what she does for you. That's breathtakingly selfish on your end. You might want to check that. That's pretty toxic.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd be right there with Skeptic, encouraging you to roll the dice with an open heart, were it not for this sentence:

    Originally Posted by coolio
    I still think of her because I don't think anyone has ever cared for me like her.
    If the main thing you miss is being deeply cared for, rather than being deeply drawn to the parts of her that have nothing to do with youwell, I can't help but worry that you're just setting both of you up for another round of hurt, because that's acting less from an open heart than a thirsty one. Break it down, and it's pretty selfish when what you most admire about another human being is that they make you feel cherished, less lonesome.

    You'll do what's best for you, of course, but speaking for myself? I have found my relationships work best when I am simply deeply intrigued about the humanity of another person, rather than deeply intrigued primarily by the soothing comfort they can provide for me.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'd be right there with Skeptic, encouraging you to roll the dice with an open heart, were it not for this sentence:



    If the main thing you miss is being deeply cared for, rather than being deeply drawn to the parts of her that have nothing to do with youwell, I can't help but worry that you're just setting both of you up for another round of hurt, because that's acting less from an open heart than a thirsty one. Break it down, and it's pretty selfish when what you most admire about another human being is that they make you feel cherished, less lonesome.

    You'll do what's best for you, of course, but speaking for myself? I have found my relationships work best when I am simply deeply intrigued about the humanity of another person, rather than deeply intrigued primarily by the soothing comfort they can provide for me.
    I think it's okay to have that sentiment, but it has to be reciprocal for it to work. In other words he has to have the same desire to care for her and follow through on that desire with consistent, unwavering actions over the long haul. Whether he's interested, willing or capable of providing that for her is something he has to be honest with himself about. If he can't, then he is only setting the two of them both up for an unworkable situation that will end in heartache for them both. As a side note to coolio: sorry for referring to you in the third person, but please be assured my comments are intended to be directed to you as well.

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    Thanks for your reply Jul-els. This is sort of what I'm contemplating. I realise no one is perfect, and I'm trying to decide if all the awesome and great things about this girl out weigh the things that aren't so. I know it's something I only have the answer to really, and I think I am leaning towards looking past those not so perfect things as non negotiables, and just loving her and us as we are. But just looking for other peoples thoughts to give me other perspectives to look at it all from. So thanks :-)

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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Im also in my 40s with a couple of kids.

    When I read your post I immediately thought You dont know unless you try.

    Time has passed, youve both had some separate experiences and youre both still into one another...when and if she gets back home and the opportunity arises, why not ask her out? You can postulate and speculate endlessly but theres no way to really know unless you meet up with an open heart and an open mind.
    Thanks for your thoughts Skeptic76, yeah we are still in contact enough to know there's definitely something still there between us. We just need to know that we both want to move forward together from here. Thanks :-)

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Had you always felt this was lacking between you two?

    If so, then I think you're going to find it hard to bury those doubts now as well.
    Thanks Misscanuck, yeah it was always a bit of a concern, and it is a big thing isn't it. This is what has me worried. Although I can't help but love so many other things about her, and wonder if I should compromise on that, so that I can be with someone who'd be great company in life.

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