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Thread: I pushed her away, but I'm still thinking about her.

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Sometimes what feels like home isn't good for us. This certainly sounds like such a case. Intimacy issues don't go away, they only become magnified with time.

    Breaking up and setting her free was the right decision. Where you went wrong is staying in touch. Instead of healing, moving on, and leaving her in the past, you've kept her in the forefront. What does that do? Creates the messy situation emotionally that you are in now - a good dose of fantasy of how great you two were while the serious issues are getting minimized and swept under the rug. The illusion of the one who got away, except that it is just mostly fantasy and illusion. So long as you keep that story going in your head, no other women will ever measure up even if they are ten times better for you and better than her.

    The other part of it that really stood out to me is that you don't care so much about her, but rather what she does for you. That's breathtakingly selfish on your end. You might want to check that. That's pretty toxic.

    Thanks for your reply Dancingfool, yeah I hear you on the intimacy thing. It is a big thing, not some trivial thing that can be easily looked past. I guess there is so much more that I love about this girl, so I'm trying to see if I could look past my concerns there.
    Oh and yeah reading that back I can see how that looks selfish. I really do love so much more about her than the way she cares for me. Like the way she sees the world, notices the little things others don't, loves nature like me, and lots lots more. I was just trying to keep it brief, and also not the greatest with wording things.
    But thanks for your perspective :-)

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by coolio
    Thanks for your reply Jul-els. This is sort of what I'm contemplating. I realise no one is perfect, and I'm trying to decide if all the awesome and great things about this girl out weigh the things that aren't so. I know it's something I only have the answer to really, and I think I am leaning towards looking past those not so perfect things as non negotiables, and just loving her and us as we are. But just looking for other peoples thoughts to give me other perspectives to look at it all from. So thanks :-)
    Cool. Being honest with yourself is key here. Don't let your heart rule your mind. Whatever you decide to do, be sure you do it with 100% awareness and honesty about what you actually want. Don't forget that a person's heart is not a plaything.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'd be right there with Skeptic, encouraging you to roll the dice with an open heart, were it not for this sentence:



    If the main thing you miss is being deeply cared for, rather than being deeply drawn to the parts of her that have nothing to do with you—well, I can't help but worry that you're just setting both of you up for another round of hurt, because that's acting less from an open heart than a thirsty one. Break it down, and it's pretty selfish when what you most admire about another human being is that they make you feel cherished, less lonesome.

    You'll do what's best for you, of course, but speaking for myself? I have found my relationships work best when I am simply deeply intrigued about the humanity of another person, rather than deeply intrigued primarily by the soothing comfort they can provide for me.
    Thanks for you reply Bluecastle, yeah like I said to Dancingfool, there is so much more that I love about this girl than just the way she cares for me. I probably didn't word it all so well, but can see how that sounded selfish. I am genuinely intrigued by her, and the things she does, and what she is about. That's why I'm contemplating whether i can look past the intimacy thing and live happily with her, and her with me.

    Thanks for your opinion :-)

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can only speak for myself, but one thing I know—no different than knowing I have five fingers on each hand—is that the partner I'd be inside a romance where I'm trying to "look past the intimacy thing" is a shell and shadow of the kind of partner I want to be, and know I can be. I'd find myself having, and then suppressing, thoughts that are at odds with romantic partnership—thoughts that, even if only in the confines of my mind and never acted on, would be disrespectful to my partner. I'd feel like a cheater, you could say, without even cheating, and in that I'd struggle to sleep at night, even if my bed was shared with a wonderful woman who adored me.

    That's just me, of course, offering some words to help you in finding yourself and your truth.

    What you're describing here? It sounds, to my ears, like a wonderful friendship that began as a romance. Can't help but ask if you recently got out of a romance—something that was spicy, if shallow, and now, as people do, you're taking stock of your life, asking some questions in the void and wondering if, who knows, maybe she plus you could equal the thing that fills the void. If so, maybe take a few more steps into your higher self and acknowledge that these thoughts might be a reaction to a specific time in your life as much as they are the specifics to your connection.

    Just riffing here, of course, as I'm just working with what you're offering here. And maybe ask yourself this: Would you be happy committing your life to a woman knowing that, in committing to you, she was conducting an experiment in seeing if she could "look past" being satisfied intimately? Would you feel, in that dynamic, that who you are as a person and a man are being cherished, seen, respected, and nurtured?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think you need to ask yourself .... Are you feeling a void within you? Is that causing you to second guess letting her go? Why did you let her go?

    And not the canned, "i didn't want her to stay for me".

    I'm sure there is a real reason. The real reason, the deep inside, little voice only you hear reason. Probably something along the lines of "Something is missing"

    Examine what that is and then ask yourself if that changed or could be changed by a rekindling....

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    One of the reasons I wanted her go do her thing was I was still so unsure about what it was I wanted. I didn't want to be stringing her along, or worse, told her I wanted her to stay and then found out that things were not going to work and she miss out on the opportunity. I wasn't sure I could commit to her. Was this explicitly told to her? Did you give her the real reason for urging her to go, or did you keep those thoughts a secret and tell her you couldn't let her miss a golden opportunity and that was the sole reason?

    But I felt like the intimacy was lacking in a lot of ways. I felt like I needed more, and that maybe I would find it with someone else. I was sad to end things with her, but also excited for what the future may hold.

    Even though I know that certain intimate connections were lacking, which were also sexual attraction related.


    Again, does she know about all of these thoughts you possess? If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who felt that he lacked sexual chemistry with me. If I knew it, I'd know he'd be a high risk to my heart, and I'd prefer to be with a guy who desired me to the fullest extent. If he didn't tell me, that's unethical, cruel, and I deserve someone who doesn't possess those traits.

    Two years was plenty of time to know if she had it all for you, and she doesn't. You can't open the front door to new possibilities, better matches, when you have your foot squarely stuck in the back door. My advice is to cut contact, after a kind but honest explanation, in order to find someone who meets ALL of your main needs. There are plenty of wonderful people who almost make the grade, but don't possess every must-have. When you accept the "almost there" person, you are settling. Not a good thing to do with your one precious life, and not fair to her. She needs to find a guy crazy about her in EVERY way. If she chooses you, she's settling, whether she's aware of the truth or being shrouded from it.

  8. #17
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    I don't understand this:

    Originally Posted by coolio
    the intimacy thing
    What does that mean? Are you using intimacy as a synonym for sex? Or do you mean a closeness is lacking in your relationship?

    You also made mention of "attractiveness." Does this mean she is not good-looking?

  9. #18
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by waffle
    I don't understand this:



    What does that mean? Are you using intimacy as a synonym for sex? Or do you mean a closeness is lacking in your relationship?

    You also made mention of "attractiveness." Does this mean she is not good-looking?
    Great clarification question! Was hoping for an answer but looks like a dead thread...

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