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Thread: Ex Wife Moving In With Alcoholic

  1. #1
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Ex Wife Moving In With Alcoholic

    My ex wife (43) and I (44) divorced in 2013. We have two kids (boy 18 and girl 12) who live primarily with me but stay with their mother every other weekend.

    A few weeks ago she started dating a man I know, who is very handsome, has a HUGE heart and is really funny. Heíd be a great pick, except heís a blackout drinker who commonly does the things alcoholics do such as pass out outside, go to jail, lose control of his bowels (yes, itís really that severe,) etc.

    Although I donít really understand her choice of this guy as somebody to date (they started going out a few weeks ago) itís truly none of my business and I donít need to understand or approve. The issue for me is that I learned yesterday that she plans to move in with him at his fatherís house (his brother also lives there.) I have some strong feelings about my kids being exposed to that sort of hard drinking environment. Things like ďDoes he drive drunk? Is he abusive in any way (such as violence or sexually) when he is wasted?Ē keep crowding into my mind.

    Iím interested in hearing different approaches to this situation and Iím an open book for questions or additional context.

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Can you petition for supervised visitation? Your concern is valid that the kids should not be in that environment.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I agree... I'd be petitioning family court for supervised visits. Is your ex wife an alcoholic as well? If nothing else she's irresponsible for moving in with someone she's only dated a few weeks and negligent for subjecting her kids to a man like you describe.

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    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    As it happens we actually have a court date to modify custody in January. It was actually meant to provide her with more parenting time, but if the situation goes the way sheís saying it will with this guy then of course it will be an opportunity to bring the facts out with the court at that time.

    Iím looking forward to hearing how you wise people think it would be advisable to discuss things with her. I havenít said a word yet. Just took in the news and spent a few days processing...but now I want to raise my concerns with her. I understand that sheíll do what she does and thatís not under my control, but I feel like itís fair to speak my piece at a minimum.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well then a simple: "I'm not comfortable with the kids spending the night around 'Bob the Boozer' should you move in with him... period. Then let her talk.

    I think your kids are old enough to have input into the situation as well.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Anything you say to her about that man will be interpreted by her as you being jealous and bitter.

    Let your attorney handle the communication.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Read some articles on risks of sexual abuse against children. Here's a statistic from one article: Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk; they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents.

    Not only will your children be around one non-biological man in the home, they will be exposed to three. Your poor children, being subject to this type of risk by a mother who lacks the common sense to keep them away from harm by moving in with someone she barely knows, and with his dealbreaker addiction on top of that.

    I would definitely be in emergency mode right now. I'd ask her for a meeting right now to discuss your concerns, and if she doesn't agree to a safe alternative that doesn't involve your children staying at a stranger's home, then you should definitely be seeking sole custody with supervised visits for her, since she's not taking her children's best interests to heart.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Anything you say to her about that man will be interpreted by her as you being jealous and bitter.

    .
    Is your wife going to think that, *Skeptic*? You know how she will react better than us and if that is the case, then yes of course don't bring it up with her at all. You are asking how to bring it up to her so I assumed that you two are on good terms and she knows you are genuinely concerned for the kids well being and not just being petty as you asked this ...

    Iím looking forward to hearing how you wise people think it would be advisable to discuss things with her.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    We are on good terms and have been for several years. Doing occasional family activities together, dinners and whatnot. And as mentioned the court date we have in January was originally a mutually agreed upon modification to give her MORE time with the kids.

    I can see where bolt might be coming from, but she told me (nervously) that she was dating this guy weeks ago because a) I know him from an organization we both attend and b) that means I know how bad his alcoholism really is; for sure she knows Iím not bitter or jealous. Sheís had several boyfriends since we divorced and Iíve gotten along with all of them.

    We didnít use lawyers for our divorce, we went to mediation and came up with our own plan - and we saved a ton of money (and ill will) that way! Not involving a lawyer at this juncture, either.

    So far I feel like the best thing to do is just to share my concerns for my kids with her. Matter of factly and in a spirit of cooperation so we can come to terms together. Iím not in a place to tell her what she can and canít do but if I clearly state that I find the situation she will be putting my kids in to be objectionable, then I will be preserving other options as a father down the line.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Can you petition for supervised visitation? Your concern is valid that the kids should not be in that environment.
    It is your business. Time for supervised visitation.

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