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Thread: Is love as best friends enough for a marriage?

  1. #1

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    Is love as best friends enough for a marriage?

    I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship?
    I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him.
    How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him.
    He loves me deeply and makes me feel it everyday. We have so much fun together and the relationship dynamic is exactly what I've always wanted. We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him.
    We are not only compatible but complimentary to each other. He's already successful and will only grow with that. He allows me space to do what I need to do for my success and we support each other no matter what. We have so much fun together and when Im not with him I find myself wishing I was.

    My question is, is this enough? People say the romantic love usually dies anyway after the honey moon phase and you're left with the base stuff like I perfectly get with him. We have been talking seriously lately about marriage and its a very real possibility of a proposal within the next year. People say to marry your best friend and this is exactly what I would be doing.



    TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No it's not enough, in fact this missing part makes the idea of happily ever after completely impossible.

    Healthy relationships are like a tripod where you have to have intellectual, emotional, and sexual connection. If any of these is missing, the relationship will fall down.

    He is not perfect, in fact, he isn't even relationship material at all since you are not attracted to him. That doesn't make him a bad person, just a completely wrong person for you. These kinds of relationships inevitably lead to misery followed by divorce with "whoops I cheated, but it just happened" kind of bs thrown in. You can't ignore lack of sexual attraction forever. Your body doesn't work that way.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is missing? Are you in love? Living together?
    Originally Posted by Sarah102
    We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What is missing? Are you in love? Living together?
    and what did you mean by anyone else would have left him?

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  6. #5
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    You have to look inside your heart for the true answer. It sounds like over time you have learned to love this person. Is that love strong enough to be something that could keep you happy and fulfilled for a lifetime? Or will this dimension that feels missing to you always leave you feeling unsatisfied? Only you know the answer to that and it lies within your most true feelings. You have to look at them with unflinching honesty in order to discover the true answer as to whether or not this connection was built to last you until death do you part.

    You say you’re not attracted to him. Not attracted how? Sexually? Mentally? Emotionally? If any of these are areas of the connection that you absolutely need in order to be happy, then you’re never going to be happy with him. If the thing you think is missing is something you’re ok with not having, then and only then will you be happy. If you can honestly and genuinely reconcile it in your own heart. It will require you to be 100% honest with yourself about this. Without this honesty, you will never be happy with him, or anyone else, for that matter.
    Last edited by jul-els; 03-09-2020 at 05:08 PM.

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    Nope. Not enough. You will be miserable.

    What is the "alternative lifestyle?"

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    You have to look inside your heart for the true answer. It sounds like over time you have learned to love this person. Is that love strong enough to be something that could keep you happy and fulfilled for a lifetime? Or will this dimension that feels missing to you always leave you feeling unsatisfied? Only you know the answer to that and it lies within your most true feelings. You have to look at them with unflinching honesty in order to discover the true answer as to whether or not this connection was built to last you until death do you part.

    You say you’re not attracted to him. Not attracted how? Sexually? Mentally? Emotionally? If any of these are areas of the connection that you absolutely need in order to be happy, then you’re never going to be happy with him. If the thing you think is missing is something you’re ok with not having, then and only then will you be happy. If you can honestly and genuinely reconcile it in your own heart. It will require you to be 100% honest with yourself about this. Without this honesty, you will never be happy with him, or anyone else, for that matter.
    This.

    I think there are plenty of people that are happy with the type of relationship you describe OP. For a relationship like that to work, both of the partners have to be totally good with it. One of my dearest friends has a relationship with her husband that is devoid of sexuality... there are various reasons for this, however it's something they are both okay with and they are in love and happy with how things are.

    That said... when you ask yourself why you aren't attracted to him, what's the reason? Is it something within you that you can overcome? For example... I used to be attracted to "bad boys"... rejecting anyone that didn't fit the stereotype of what I was looking for physically and emotionally. It was only after many lessons the hard way that I shifted my perception of "attractive" and found the partner I have today.... personality wise he is completely different from every other man I have ever been with, and I doubt I would have appreciated him if I had met him at any other time in my life.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    If you are already edging off the fence towards "What else is out there." this marriage will not work. You will feel lonely, and long for that connection.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Honestly, unless you're both asexual or neither of you care who the other bangs (fully acknowledging these relationships and marriages do exist), this is the stuff cheating is made of. You'll yearn for romance beyond whatever gifts or services he provides you. It's easy to contextualize and accept the dynamic if you're talking next week, but it's a far cry from the broader perspective of years or decades from now. And when that ship inevitably sinks, you'll have both lost out on however many years you could have invested into someone who you shared a mutual attraction to. Only difference is you were fully aware of it the whole time. Don't know about you, but I feel pretty ****ty just going on a 3rd date with someone I know I'm not attracted to. Could never imagine carrying on a marriage that way.

    If this were some sudden dip or mid-LTR crisis where you've temporarily lost attraction, this situation would be a whole lot more nuanced. Sadly, stories of women entering relationships with or even marrying guys because "they're good on paper" are a dime-a-dozen, and they vary quite narrowly in their outcomes. There was no attraction to lose, and likely none to build.

    Enjoying being around someone isn't "attraction" in the intellectually honest sense we mean it as with regard to romantic relationships. I've got a best friend. If I'm real about it, there have been times I've thought about how cool it would be to share a bro-pad with zero sex involved. Tends to get in the way of forming meaningful life-long romances, though.
    Last edited by j.man; 03-09-2020 at 06:44 PM.

  11. #10
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    No and I almost married for the wrong reasons too -more than once. The in love, the romantic love -that is the glue that holds the marriage together - even if it fades it can be revived and both partners will believe that it can be revived -have positive memories of that initial excitement, that spark and will see that even if it temporarily fades/wanes it can be revived. You'd be settling and that's not fair to anyone -I waited to marry till I wouldn't be settling -and I was 42. It's not just sexual attraction -it's chemistry, it's passion, very often transcends physical features/looks although of course if someone gains 100 pounds and the other person is repulsed by obesity, that could be a real problem.

    I think it can work only if both people are settling, both people do not care whether they have sex -or meaningful sex -ever again (like for example I could see two 80 year olds marrying mostly for companionship and being up front about not feeling much in the way of sexual attraction, I guess).

    Please never ever downplay the romantic love/za za za zoom as the term was used on Sex and The City - in a healthy marriage.

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