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Is love as best friends enough for a marriage?


Sarah102

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I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship?

I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him.

How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him.

He loves me deeply and makes me feel it everyday. We have so much fun together and the relationship dynamic is exactly what I've always wanted. We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him.

We are not only compatible but complimentary to each other. He's already successful and will only grow with that. He allows me space to do what I need to do for my success and we support each other no matter what. We have so much fun together and when Im not with him I find myself wishing I was.

 

My question is, is this enough? People say the romantic love usually dies anyway after the honey moon phase and you're left with the base stuff like I perfectly get with him. We have been talking seriously lately about marriage and its a very real possibility of a proposal within the next year. People say to marry your best friend and this is exactly what I would be doing.

 

 

 

TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together?

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No it's not enough, in fact this missing part makes the idea of happily ever after completely impossible.

 

Healthy relationships are like a tripod where you have to have intellectual, emotional, and sexual connection. If any of these is missing, the relationship will fall down.

 

He is not perfect, in fact, he isn't even relationship material at all since you are not attracted to him. That doesn't make him a bad person, just a completely wrong person for you. These kinds of relationships inevitably lead to misery followed by divorce with "whoops I cheated, but it just happened" kind of bs thrown in. You can't ignore lack of sexual attraction forever. Your body doesn't work that way.

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You have to look inside your heart for the true answer. It sounds like over time you have learned to love this person. Is that love strong enough to be something that could keep you happy and fulfilled for a lifetime? Or will this dimension that feels missing to you always leave you feeling unsatisfied? Only you know the answer to that and it lies within your most true feelings. You have to look at them with unflinching honesty in order to discover the true answer as to whether or not this connection was built to last you until death do you part.

 

You say you’re not attracted to him. Not attracted how? Sexually? Mentally? Emotionally? If any of these are areas of the connection that you absolutely need in order to be happy, then you’re never going to be happy with him. If the thing you think is missing is something you’re ok with not having, then and only then will you be happy. If you can honestly and genuinely reconcile it in your own heart. It will require you to be 100% honest with yourself about this. Without this honesty, you will never be happy with him, or anyone else, for that matter.

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You have to look inside your heart for the true answer. It sounds like over time you have learned to love this person. Is that love strong enough to be something that could keep you happy and fulfilled for a lifetime? Or will this dimension that feels missing to you always leave you feeling unsatisfied? Only you know the answer to that and it lies within your most true feelings. You have to look at them with unflinching honesty in order to discover the true answer as to whether or not this connection was built to last you until death do you part.

 

You say you’re not attracted to him. Not attracted how? Sexually? Mentally? Emotionally? If any of these are areas of the connection that you absolutely need in order to be happy, then you’re never going to be happy with him. If the thing you think is missing is something you’re ok with not having, then and only then will you be happy. If you can honestly and genuinely reconcile it in your own heart. It will require you to be 100% honest with yourself about this. Without this honesty, you will never be happy with him, or anyone else, for that matter.

 

This.

 

I think there are plenty of people that are happy with the type of relationship you describe OP. For a relationship like that to work, both of the partners have to be totally good with it. One of my dearest friends has a relationship with her husband that is devoid of sexuality... there are various reasons for this, however it's something they are both okay with and they are in love and happy with how things are.

 

That said... when you ask yourself why you aren't attracted to him, what's the reason? Is it something within you that you can overcome? For example... I used to be attracted to "bad boys"... rejecting anyone that didn't fit the stereotype of what I was looking for physically and emotionally. It was only after many lessons the hard way that I shifted my perception of "attractive" and found the partner I have today.... personality wise he is completely different from every other man I have ever been with, and I doubt I would have appreciated him if I had met him at any other time in my life.

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Honestly, unless you're both asexual or neither of you care who the other bangs (fully acknowledging these relationships and marriages do exist), this is the stuff cheating is made of. You'll yearn for romance beyond whatever gifts or services he provides you. It's easy to contextualize and accept the dynamic if you're talking next week, but it's a far cry from the broader perspective of years or decades from now. And when that ship inevitably sinks, you'll have both lost out on however many years you could have invested into someone who you shared a mutual attraction to. Only difference is you were fully aware of it the whole time. Don't know about you, but I feel pretty ****ty just going on a 3rd date with someone I know I'm not attracted to. Could never imagine carrying on a marriage that way.

 

If this were some sudden dip or mid-LTR crisis where you've temporarily lost attraction, this situation would be a whole lot more nuanced. Sadly, stories of women entering relationships with or even marrying guys because "they're good on paper" are a dime-a-dozen, and they vary quite narrowly in their outcomes. There was no attraction to lose, and likely none to build.

 

Enjoying being around someone isn't "attraction" in the intellectually honest sense we mean it as with regard to romantic relationships. I've got a best friend. If I'm real about it, there have been times I've thought about how cool it would be to share a bro-pad with zero sex involved. Tends to get in the way of forming meaningful life-long romances, though.

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No and I almost married for the wrong reasons too -more than once. The in love, the romantic love -that is the glue that holds the marriage together - even if it fades it can be revived and both partners will believe that it can be revived -have positive memories of that initial excitement, that spark and will see that even if it temporarily fades/wanes it can be revived. You'd be settling and that's not fair to anyone -I waited to marry till I wouldn't be settling -and I was 42. It's not just sexual attraction -it's chemistry, it's passion, very often transcends physical features/looks although of course if someone gains 100 pounds and the other person is repulsed by obesity, that could be a real problem.

 

I think it can work only if both people are settling, both people do not care whether they have sex -or meaningful sex -ever again (like for example I could see two 80 year olds marrying mostly for companionship and being up front about not feeling much in the way of sexual attraction, I guess).

 

Please never ever downplay the romantic love/za za za zoom as the term was used on Sex and The City - in a healthy marriage.

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So since a lot of people are mentioned it, sex wise it is amazing for both of us, our libidos match and we both believe it is the best sex of out lives so that would never be an issue. The relationship is exactly what I would expect of a perfect one but it just feels like theres something missing and I guess Im afraid if Im not feeling 100% with this guy who things are perfect with then am I really going to find anyone who it feels 100% with

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I'm also curious about your age, dating experience. As well as: the mysterious circumstances of how you go together, along with the alternative lifestyle, since those seem to be not small ingredients in your angst surrounding this.

 

While I don't think "perfect" exists between humans, I do think something better does: a sense of being full, more full than you can imagine, and a kind of core sense that "nothing is missing" as opposed to a perpetual itch that something is. That itch? It's generally your gut or spirit or whatever you want to call it letting you know that you are a square peg forcing yourself into a round hole.

 

Romantic partnership doesn't need to feel that way, though the world is filled with romances, in all sorts of circumstances and lifestyles, that make a go of it. Can't say I've come across one of those that inspired me, and when I've found myself feeling that something it missing for a good long stretch—well, even when I can't put my finger on what it is I've generally taken it as a sign that I'm in a relationship that does not offer me what I need to sincerely surrender to being in it.

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I’m often the outsider on this forum and this one is no exception, lol.

 

Sounds like whatever tumultuous start you launched from has mellowed into a loving relationship. Seems like there aren’t any glaring issues and that you wouldn’t find a better match than him, especially given the alternative lifestyle you referenced.

 

Best friend that you long to be around + fits in an alternative lifestyle + best sex ever = good marriage material in most people’s books!

 

A mini existential crisis/good old fashioned second guessing fest is pretty normal before making a lifetime commitment. It’s healthy and worth exploring, but not a sign of incompatibility just for having it. Perhaps it just demonstrates that you’re not going to jump into anything lightly?

 

Good luck whatever you decide, but careful not to judge your insides by Disney fairytale/Hollywood love story appearances.

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Love your spirit and attitude, Skeptic, but when I read this...

 

I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing

 

...I don't see a relationship without "glaring issues" so much as one built, at least in part, on dodging the most glaring of issues. I could do a PowerPoint on the many things I love about my girlfriend, along with the many reasons I love being with her, for instance, but if I'd "always felt something is missing" it would render that PowerPoint presentation moot, at least by my personal rubric of romantic harmony.

 

That said, perhaps understanding more about the lifestyle and circumstances of this union would help us offer more refined advice, as right now we're all shooting in the dark a bit.

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I can't speak for everyone. I'm not in your shoes but it sounds to me that you have a heck of a lot more going for you than other people or couples.

 

He loves you deeply and you feel it everyday. Lady, that right there is PRICELESS. He's already successful and will continue to grow. Home run. He allows you space to do what you need to do for your success and you support each other no matter what. That's amazing. Both of you have fun together and when you're not with him, you find yourself wishing you were. Incredible.

 

It sounds like he checks all the boxes except you're not attracted to him. The question is: What do you want? What are you looking for that he doesn't have already? What is missing? Or, are you trying to find something that's missing because everything else about him is so good?

 

If you're unsure about marriage, don't marry him. Someone else will swoop and snatch him up while you can find a man who has all the qualities your boyfriend has right now plus more.

 

Seek professional couples counseling so a trained therapist can pose some questions which will give you pause to think and answer.

 

My long time husband is my best friend to the truest sense of the word. He is very kind, thoughtful, empathetic, possesses high emotional intelligence (EQ), successful, a great provider and an amazing husband and father to our two sons. He makes our household life very smooth, stable, harmonious and content. I can lean on him and he always has my back. He's extremely reliable, responsible, very helpful in every way and I'm honored to be his very lucky wife. He loves and respects me. Through observation, my husband taught our sons how to respect women. Because he's given me such a great life, he makes me fall in love with him more everyday through the years.

 

As for you, if you feel that there's something missing from your heart regarding your boyfriend and you want a romantic life partner out of him and he's not filling that void for you, don't marry him because it would be unfair to both of you if love feelings are not completely mutual.

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Love your spirit and attitude, Skeptic, but when I read this...

 

 

 

...I don't see a relationship without "glaring issues" so much as one built, at least in part, on dodging the most glaring of issues. I could do a PowerPoint on the many things I love about my girlfriend, along with the many reasons I love being with her, for instance, but if I'd "always felt something is missing" it would render that PowerPoint presentation moot, at least by my personal rubric of romantic harmony.

 

That said, perhaps understanding more about the lifestyle and circumstances of this union would help us offer more refined advice, as right now we're all shooting in the dark a bit.

 

 

Roger that.

 

Somewhere above there was the age old “is any partnership 100% perfect” discussion going on. She’s the only one who knows the answer, but it might be a part of her own character that causing her to feel this nebulous “can’t put my finger on it” feeling that her erstwhile perfect dude is not delivering the goods?

 

Maybe don’t marry yet but also maybe don’t bail out without discovering what’s really behind your very real feeling of something has always felt missing?

 

And guess what, it doesn’t matter if you can name it or justify it at the end of the day...if your gut says it’s time to go, then it’s time to go even if people on the outside think you’re crazy for leaving a seemingly good mate. I’m not advocating any particular route, just hoping to possibly shine my own weird, sparkly light on her post.

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How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him.

 

What are you referring to here? And what is this alternative lifestyle you mentioned?

 

It sounds to me like this isn't a perfect relationship but you've conditioned yourself into thinking it is, when really, there are lingering problems stemming from whatever these past troubles are. I'm also sensing you're not into this alternative lifestyle, whatever it may be, and that too is part of the issue.

 

I can't help but feel there's a lot more to this than simply not feeling the romantic spark for him.

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No. You likely won't be 100% sure. Some are/say they are/truly are. But to me what I needed was this: I needed to be excited to be marrying him and reasonably sure - save for some easily resolvable doubts/jitters that didn't rock me to the core - that he was the right person for me to marry. The excited part is really important to me -because that tells me that I am in love with this person, I am passionate, we have chemistry. Rather than "well I don't think I can find anyone better and I have this list here of pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons so that means I should marry him...... right??" Because then, there is still the "dream of someone else" (from the movie You've Got Mail -watch it because it addresses some of your concerns and doubts).

 

Also when I was dating him I knew technically - look, I hadn't dated everyone on the planet so obviously there could be someone "even better" - but I did not care. At all. Someone could have told me about a Mr. Wonderful who was single, great person, handsome, funny, smart and wanted to date me more than anything and I would have said "thanks for sharing - I found my person!". But when I wasn't sure, when something wasn't quite right my ears would have perked up. I wouldn't have cheated but I would have worried about my choice. It might have panicked me too "why did I care about hearing about all these single people? why am I still looking?" that sort of thing.

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In my experience that certain something, that high, those butterflies were typically with men who weren't otherwise good choices for me.

My best experiences have been that slow burn, that consistency that blossoms into something solid and substantial.

 

Those I had those butterflies with, I can tell you I could not have referred to them as my best friend. It was more about angst and drama that created that high.

 

But that's me. I haven't always made good choices. But I have learned to not be lured by that high you think you are missing. It often blinds us to the very things we need to be paying attention too. When the high dissipates (because it will) you better hope you can call him your best friend.

 

I don't know if this is the guy for you. But it's a good thing you are here vetting it out. I hope you get some clarity.

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In my experience that certain something, that high, those butterflies were typically with men who weren't otherwise good choices for me.

My best experiences have been that slow burn, that consistency that blossoms into something solid and substantial.

 

Those I had those butterflies with, I can tell you I could not have referred to them as my best friend. It was more about angst and drama that created that high.

 

But that's me. I haven't always made good choices. But I have learned to not be lured by that high you think you are missing. It often blinds us to the very things we need to be paying attention too. When the high dissipates (because it will) you better hope you can call him your best friend.

 

I don't know if this is the guy for you. But it's a good thing you are here vetting it out. I hope you get some clarity.

 

I don't think there has to be a high but there has to be a spark whether it appears a bit later or right away -and it has to sustain -at least the memory of the spark that can be revived by two people who want it to be. It's what separates IMO a person who feels reasonably secure with her choice of a mate -and is excited to be with him -even a quiet excitement vs. that "something is missing" feeling.

 

Many years ago when I had doubts about whether to marry my wonderful boyfriend my friend sat me down on New Year's Eve and gave me a talking to. The talking to focused on her sister who basically settled for her husband - she loved him, he was her best friend, she wasn't in love with him, not excited - but she wanted to be married and have a family. My friend told me her sister ended up so happily married - she was realistic about her expectations and happy. Wow. I felt so relieved. So thrilled that someone "got" me -that wow now I had permission to settle for my boyfriend and stop the angst and ruminations over whether to marry him.

 

This awesome relief lasted about 24 hours. Because it was a short term rationalizing bandaid - but it wasn't going to stop me from questioning to the core whether I wanted to marry my wonderful boyfriend.

 

We finally broke up after 7 years on and off. It was a really hard break up. I did love him. He loved me and wanted to marry me. I was still unclear about why he wasn't the one. 5 months later a mutual friend made an offhand comment/observation about my ex -about the way he was - nothing critical really. But I had that a ha moment -I realized why deep down we hadn't clicked in that way. I couldn't force clarity but I think the space and time apart made me realize what I didn't want to admit to myself because he was so wonderful. He met a lovely gal and we each got married in the same year.

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You need to think long and hard regarding what is important to you, what you want and what is missing in your boyfriend.

 

My sister married a guy she was head over heels with. Her husband is handsome and earns a high income. The romantic spark part is there. However, her husband is a package deal. Along with his big blue eyes, and GQ cover good looks lies a very sinister side. The guy's a real jerk. He paws my sister excessively publicly and socially as if to announce and demonstrate to everyone that she is his property. Should she engage in a conversation other than with her husband, he'll constantly interrupt her and others which is incredibly rude. If that weren't enough, should she compliment others or if others are more accomplished than he is, he'll downgrade you to the point of humiliating you to the core. He'll publicly humiliate you by saying something so unkind, mean and cruel. It's so infuriating that I feel like spitting in his face! :upset: Either my sister is left defending her husband or she has to do damage control by changing the subject. He's a very shameful embarrassment. We all look up on him with great disdain. Should you call them out on it, they'll both viciously gaslight you to death. :upset: However, BIL is a great provider, he's on his way up, they reside in a $1.5 mil house in a tony neighborhood and all looks swell on the outside until you dig deeper. :eek:

 

Meanwhile, my house is more modest, we don't reside in a multi-million dollar neighborhood, our incomes are not as high as my BIL's (brother-in-law's) nor do we socialize with an extremely wealthy crowd. However, get this: Unlike my sister, my husband treats me with love and respect, he's an amazing example to our sons and he's kind and very considerate of others as well. He's a real gentleman and a very moral man. Therefore, who is the "richer" wife now? :D

 

Know the difference between shallow traits and the type of love and respect that is enduring, absolute, steadfast and unwavering.

 

Scrutinize CHARACTER because it's the only thing that lasts.

 

As for you, if you want the romantic spark which is lacking in your boyfriend, don't marry him. Continue searching for a man who meets 100% of your requirements and qualifications.

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I can't help but feel like something is being lost in translation in this tread, which is why I remain curious to know a few things: their ages, their lifestyle, and a bit more about the "crazy kinda messed up" beginning in which she was "backed into a corner" to be with him in the first place. Speaking for myself, when I see phrases like that I don't simply see a value debate between GQ and Good Housekeeping, or best friends vs eternal honeymooners, but something a bit more complicated simmering at the edges here.

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You need to think long and hard regarding what is important to you, what you want and what is missing in your boyfriend.

 

My sister married a guy she was head over heels with. Her husband is handsome and earns a high income. The romantic spark part is there. However, her husband is a package deal. Along with his big blue eyes, and GQ cover good looks lies a very sinister side. The guy's a real jerk. He paws my sister excessively publicly and socially as if to announce and demonstrate to everyone that she is his property. Should she engage in a conversation other than with her husband, he'll constantly interrupt her and others which is incredibly rude. If that weren't enough, should she compliment others or if others are more accomplished than he is, he'll downgrade you to the point of humiliating you to the core. He'll publicly humiliate you by saying something so unkind, mean and cruel. It's so infuriating that I feel like spitting in his face! :upset: Either my sister is left defending her husband or she has to do damage control by changing the subject. He's a very shameful embarrassment. We all look up on him with great disdain. Should you call them out on it, they'll both viciously gaslight you to death. :upset: However, BIL is a great provider, he's on his way up, they reside in a $1.5 mil house in a tony neighborhood and all looks swell on the outside until you dig deeper. :eek:

 

Meanwhile, my house is more modest, we don't reside in a multi-million dollar neighborhood, our incomes are not as high as my BIL's (brother-in-law's) nor do we socialize with an extremely wealthy crowd. However, get this: Unlike my sister, my husband treats me with love and respect, he's an amazing example to our sons and he's kind and very considerate of others as well. He's a real gentleman and a very moral man. Therefore, who is the "richer" wife now? :D

 

Know the difference between shallow traits and the type of love and respect that is enduring, absolute, steadfast and unwavering.

 

Scrutinize CHARACTER because it's the only thing that lasts.

 

As for you, if you want the romantic spark which is lacking in your boyfriend, don't marry him. Continue searching for a man who meets 100% of your requirements and qualifications.

 

I don't think it has to be an either or with this exception - certain people only feel the thrills, excitement "spark" with a bad boy type (or the female equivalent) and in that case yes, the expectation of being with a good person, a person of character and integrity, a person who is innately kind and thoughtful - and feeling that sort of spark - likely isn't going to happen. But that's why for me, for example, I had to become the right person to find the right person -meaning, in part, I had to be a person who could feel a spark, and feel right with, a good person and didn't need to be with someone who played hard to get/was emotionally distant/unavailable to feel the spark.

I'll add too that a "nice guy" often is a bad choice if "nice" means passive/people pleaser/potential doormat - that's not nice, it's self-absorbed -it's acting nice to gain approval -rather than a confident person who chooses kindness, ethics, morality because that's part of that person's makeup/values. We all do things at times to people please, and we all act selfishly sometimes -I'm talking that the basic reasons the person does kind actions is not to people please, not out of insecurity.

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