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Thread: Is love as best friends enough for a marriage?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    In my experience that certain something, that high, those butterflies were typically with men who weren't otherwise good choices for me.
    My best experiences have been that slow burn, that consistency that blossoms into something solid and substantial.

    Those I had those butterflies with, I can tell you I could not have referred to them as my best friend. It was more about angst and drama that created that high.

    But that's me. I haven't always made good choices. But I have learned to not be lured by that high you think you are missing. It often blinds us to the very things we need to be paying attention too. When the high dissipates (because it will) you better hope you can call him your best friend.

    I don't know if this is the guy for you. But it's a good thing you are here vetting it out. I hope you get some clarity.
    I don't think there has to be a high but there has to be a spark whether it appears a bit later or right away -and it has to sustain -at least the memory of the spark that can be revived by two people who want it to be. It's what separates IMO a person who feels reasonably secure with her choice of a mate -and is excited to be with him -even a quiet excitement vs. that "something is missing" feeling.

    Many years ago when I had doubts about whether to marry my wonderful boyfriend my friend sat me down on New Year's Eve and gave me a talking to. The talking to focused on her sister who basically settled for her husband - she loved him, he was her best friend, she wasn't in love with him, not excited - but she wanted to be married and have a family. My friend told me her sister ended up so happily married - she was realistic about her expectations and happy. Wow. I felt so relieved. So thrilled that someone "got" me -that wow now I had permission to settle for my boyfriend and stop the angst and ruminations over whether to marry him.

    This awesome relief lasted about 24 hours. Because it was a short term rationalizing bandaid - but it wasn't going to stop me from questioning to the core whether I wanted to marry my wonderful boyfriend.

    We finally broke up after 7 years on and off. It was a really hard break up. I did love him. He loved me and wanted to marry me. I was still unclear about why he wasn't the one. 5 months later a mutual friend made an offhand comment/observation about my ex -about the way he was - nothing critical really. But I had that a ha moment -I realized why deep down we hadn't clicked in that way. I couldn't force clarity but I think the space and time apart made me realize what I didn't want to admit to myself because he was so wonderful. He met a lovely gal and we each got married in the same year.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to think long and hard regarding what is important to you, what you want and what is missing in your boyfriend.

    My sister married a guy she was head over heels with. Her husband is handsome and earns a high income. The romantic spark part is there. However, her husband is a package deal. Along with his big blue eyes, and GQ cover good looks lies a very sinister side. The guy's a real jerk. He paws my sister excessively publicly and socially as if to announce and demonstrate to everyone that she is his property. Should she engage in a conversation other than with her husband, he'll constantly interrupt her and others which is incredibly rude. If that weren't enough, should she compliment others or if others are more accomplished than he is, he'll downgrade you to the point of humiliating you to the core. He'll publicly humiliate you by saying something so unkind, mean and cruel. It's so infuriating that I feel like spitting in his face! Either my sister is left defending her husband or she has to do damage control by changing the subject. He's a very shameful embarrassment. We all look up on him with great disdain. Should you call them out on it, they'll both viciously gaslight you to death. However, BIL is a great provider, he's on his way up, they reside in a $1.5 mil house in a tony neighborhood and all looks swell on the outside until you dig deeper.

    Meanwhile, my house is more modest, we don't reside in a multi-million dollar neighborhood, our incomes are not as high as my BIL's (brother-in-law's) nor do we socialize with an extremely wealthy crowd. However, get this: Unlike my sister, my husband treats me with love and respect, he's an amazing example to our sons and he's kind and very considerate of others as well. He's a real gentleman and a very moral man. Therefore, who is the "richer" wife now?

    Know the difference between shallow traits and the type of love and respect that is enduring, absolute, steadfast and unwavering.

    Scrutinize CHARACTER because it's the only thing that lasts.

    As for you, if you want the romantic spark which is lacking in your boyfriend, don't marry him. Continue searching for a man who meets 100% of your requirements and qualifications.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can't help but feel like something is being lost in translation in this tread, which is why I remain curious to know a few things: their ages, their lifestyle, and a bit more about the "crazy kinda messed up" beginning in which she was "backed into a corner" to be with him in the first place. Speaking for myself, when I see phrases like that I don't simply see a value debate between GQ and Good Housekeeping, or best friends vs eternal honeymooners, but something a bit more complicated simmering at the edges here.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    You need to think long and hard regarding what is important to you, what you want and what is missing in your boyfriend.

    My sister married a guy she was head over heels with. Her husband is handsome and earns a high income. The romantic spark part is there. However, her husband is a package deal. Along with his big blue eyes, and GQ cover good looks lies a very sinister side. The guy's a real jerk. He paws my sister excessively publicly and socially as if to announce and demonstrate to everyone that she is his property. Should she engage in a conversation other than with her husband, he'll constantly interrupt her and others which is incredibly rude. If that weren't enough, should she compliment others or if others are more accomplished than he is, he'll downgrade you to the point of humiliating you to the core. He'll publicly humiliate you by saying something so unkind, mean and cruel. It's so infuriating that I feel like spitting in his face! Either my sister is left defending her husband or she has to do damage control by changing the subject. He's a very shameful embarrassment. We all look up on him with great disdain. Should you call them out on it, they'll both viciously gaslight you to death. However, BIL is a great provider, he's on his way up, they reside in a $1.5 mil house in a tony neighborhood and all looks swell on the outside until you dig deeper.

    Meanwhile, my house is more modest, we don't reside in a multi-million dollar neighborhood, our incomes are not as high as my BIL's (brother-in-law's) nor do we socialize with an extremely wealthy crowd. However, get this: Unlike my sister, my husband treats me with love and respect, he's an amazing example to our sons and he's kind and very considerate of others as well. He's a real gentleman and a very moral man. Therefore, who is the "richer" wife now?

    Know the difference between shallow traits and the type of love and respect that is enduring, absolute, steadfast and unwavering.

    Scrutinize CHARACTER because it's the only thing that lasts.

    As for you, if you want the romantic spark which is lacking in your boyfriend, don't marry him. Continue searching for a man who meets 100% of your requirements and qualifications.
    I don't think it has to be an either or with this exception - certain people only feel the thrills, excitement "spark" with a bad boy type (or the female equivalent) and in that case yes, the expectation of being with a good person, a person of character and integrity, a person who is innately kind and thoughtful - and feeling that sort of spark - likely isn't going to happen. But that's why for me, for example, I had to become the right person to find the right person -meaning, in part, I had to be a person who could feel a spark, and feel right with, a good person and didn't need to be with someone who played hard to get/was emotionally distant/unavailable to feel the spark.
    I'll add too that a "nice guy" often is a bad choice if "nice" means passive/people pleaser/potential doormat - that's not nice, it's self-absorbed -it's acting nice to gain approval -rather than a confident person who chooses kindness, ethics, morality because that's part of that person's makeup/values. We all do things at times to people please, and we all act selfishly sometimes -I'm talking that the basic reasons the person does kind actions is not to people please, not out of insecurity.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I can only speak for myself, and there's no way that this would be enough for me. I have plenty of friends, I don't need to marry one.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't think it has to be an either or with this exception - certain people only feel the thrills, excitement "spark" with a bad boy type (or the female equivalent) and in that case yes, the expectation of being with a good person, a person of character and integrity, a person who is innately kind and thoughtful - and feeling that sort of spark - likely isn't going to happen. But that's why for me, for example, I had to become the right person to find the right person -meaning, in part, I had to be a person who could feel a spark, and feel right with, a good person and didn't need to be with someone who played hard to get/was emotionally distant/unavailable to feel the spark.
    I'll add too that a "nice guy" often is a bad choice if "nice" means passive/people pleaser/potential doormat - that's not nice, it's self-absorbed -it's acting nice to gain approval -rather than a confident person who chooses kindness, ethics, morality because that's part of that person's makeup/values. We all do things at times to people please, and we all act selfishly sometimes -I'm talking that the basic reasons the person does kind actions is not to people please, not out of insecurity.
    The spark isn't with just a bad boy such as my BIL (brother-in-law). I was referring to settling for a man who has a lot of boxes checked off but not quite all of them. That's what the problem is and looking past whatever is missing in a person's personality and character will eventually rear its ugly head later on down the road. What may not matter now will indeed matter later! If a person doesn't add up completely in one's brain, it's better to slow down and proceed with caution regarding any future marriage plans. Better to seriously reconsider marriage now than live with a world of regrets later IMHO. Often times after years of marriage, a house, children and the thick of frenetically paced family life, there's a feeling of entrenchment. At that stage, it's not easy to dissolve a marriage then. There's all sorts of legal headaches such as divorce, splitting up real estate, shared custody, child support and constantly dealing with your ex due to the children. It's a lose lose situation all around.

    Nice guys and girls always win. A nice guy is a great choice and snatched up quickly. To the contrary, there's nothing passive about a nice guy. A nice guy is smart and knows how to maintain a harmonious marriage and family life. Happy wife equals happy life. (Even my young neighbor guy and new father said the same phrase recently.) A nice guy is cooperative and pulls his weight as opposed letting his wife carry the load for everyone. Sure, I could be a hero, meek, quiet, remain silent, submissive and shoulder most of the household and family responsibilities without complaint, however, I will not.

    A helpful husband who also respects and loves his wife is setting a fine example to his children especially boys who will grow up to be moral men. From observation, they too will help their wives with their household and child rearing and be very hands on as opposed to never picking up the slack.

    We don't do things to please. To the contrary, we do it because it's called having integrity to do so, responsibilities, stepping up and doing the right thing. We do things because work doesn't get done by magic. Someone has to do it and it's equitable. The real doormat here would be to remain silent and sweat it out by yourself without complaint. Sorry, that's not going to work. I'm certainly not going to knock myself out to run a household and family life all by myself nor shoulder the majority of the grunt work either. It's not my nor my husband's way. We're both industrious, tag team and more hands make for lighter work.

    As for the OP, Sarah102, I advise against a hasty marriage given the following: "something's missing," "not attracted to him," "came together from a crazy messed up story," "backed in a corner" and obviously any good in the boyfriend is not good enough. "Romantic love" died after her honeymoon phase. She doesn't love him beyond a best friend which is a warning she should take heed.

    Better not to marry since Sarah102 is uncertain and wonders if he's really the right one for her after all.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 03-10-2020 at 07:32 PM.

  8. #27
    Silver Member dion333's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarah102
    I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship?
    I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him.
    How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him.
    He loves me deeply and makes me feel it everyday. We have so much fun together and the relationship dynamic is exactly what I've always wanted. We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him.
    We are not only compatible but complimentary to each other. He's already successful and will only grow with that. He allows me space to do what I need to do for my success and we support each other no matter what. We have so much fun together and when Im not with him I find myself wishing I was.

    My question is, is this enough? People say the romantic love usually dies anyway after the honey moon phase and you're left with the base stuff like I perfectly get with him. We have been talking seriously lately about marriage and its a very real possibility of a proposal within the next year. People say to marry your best friend and this is exactly what I would be doing.



    TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together?
    if it works for you...do it. sounds great. that kind of thing you are describing is very very hard to find. only concern is sounds like your missing the sexy sexual part..which would make it more of a romantic type r'ship. you have to ask yourself how important is the whole' i want him in bed bad' thing to you? if its really important and missing it is eating at you...then it wont work with him as you will always wonder 'what if...i was with someone whose bones i wanted to jump AND i had the friend things going on'. However, that said, sounds like what you have is special and you may never find that again with another guy....its a tough one...i dont envy you. the whole how you got together sounds rather sinister..not sure what affect that will have as i have no idea what it is!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'd love to hear more about the circumstances that brought you together, what you mean specifically by alternative lifestyle you both enjoy, and what you feel is missing.
    Reading your post, I right away thought of someone I knew growing up who was raised in a very conservative environment which would not have accepted her as she truly was. So she married a guy who checked all the boxes of what she was taught would make her happy, and someone who made life easier for her. She built a comfortable cage, but it was a cage nonetheless, and what was true for her eventually burst out after years of trying to force something that didn't fit.

    I'm just getting this impression that you are trying to shove down and downplay something really important that is inside you. Maybe acknowledging it full out would be really uncomfortable and upset this pretty applecart ? I'm not sure, but I do believe in listening when something feels off. Did he do something you see as immoral in the beginning? Were you forced together by others? Are you using this relationship as a facade to hide something else? I'd like to hear more.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I can't help but feel like something is being lost in translation in this tread, which is why I remain curious to know a few things: their ages, their lifestyle, and a bit more about the "crazy kinda messed up" beginning in which she was "backed into a corner" to be with him in the first place. Speaking for myself, when I see phrases like that I don't simply see a value debate between GQ and Good Housekeeping, or best friends vs eternal honeymooners, but something a bit more complicated simmering at the edges here.
    I completely agree, Blue.

    This issue sounds more complex, which is why those very comments from OP stood out to me, too. OP, can you clarify what the backstory is?

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by dion333
    if it works for you...do it. sounds great. that kind of thing you are describing is very very hard to find. only concern is sounds like your missing the sexy sexual part..which would make it more of a romantic type r'ship. you have to ask yourself how important is the whole' i want him in bed bad' thing to you? if its really important and missing it is eating at you...then it wont work with him as you will always wonder 'what if...i was with someone whose bones i wanted to jump AND i had the friend things going on'. However, that said, sounds like what you have is special and you may never find that again with another guy....its a tough one...i dont envy you. the whole how you got together sounds rather sinister..not sure what affect that will have as i have no idea what it is!
    It's not just about wanting sex with the person -it's about the whole romantic chemistry and passion - wanting that person in a romantic sense which -at least to me -should be almost inseparable from the package -meaning there's not this separate "he's my best friend AND I want him sexually" - but "he is my partner in every way " -

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