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Thread: Is love as best friends enough for a marriage?

  1. #11

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    So since a lot of people are mentioned it, sex wise it is amazing for both of us, our libidos match and we both believe it is the best sex of out lives so that would never be an issue. The relationship is exactly what I would expect of a perfect one but it just feels like theres something missing and I guess Im afraid if Im not feeling 100% with this guy who things are perfect with then am I really going to find anyone who it feels 100% with

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I think 100% is unrealistic and doesn't exist.
    How old are you and have dated much?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm also curious about your age, dating experience. As well as: the mysterious circumstances of how you go together, along with the alternative lifestyle, since those seem to be not small ingredients in your angst surrounding this.

    While I don't think "perfect" exists between humans, I do think something better does: a sense of being full, more full than you can imagine, and a kind of core sense that "nothing is missing" as opposed to a perpetual itch that something is. That itch? It's generally your gut or spirit or whatever you want to call it letting you know that you are a square peg forcing yourself into a round hole.

    Romantic partnership doesn't need to feel that way, though the world is filled with romances, in all sorts of circumstances and lifestyles, that make a go of it. Can't say I've come across one of those that inspired me, and when I've found myself feeling that something it missing for a good long stretch—well, even when I can't put my finger on what it is I've generally taken it as a sign that I'm in a relationship that does not offer me what I need to sincerely surrender to being in it.

  4. #14
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I’m often the outsider on this forum and this one is no exception, lol.

    Sounds like whatever tumultuous start you launched from has mellowed into a loving relationship. Seems like there aren’t any glaring issues and that you wouldn’t find a better match than him, especially given the alternative lifestyle you referenced.

    Best friend that you long to be around + fits in an alternative lifestyle + best sex ever = good marriage material in most people’s books!

    A mini existential crisis/good old fashioned second guessing fest is pretty normal before making a lifetime commitment. It’s healthy and worth exploring, but not a sign of incompatibility just for having it. Perhaps it just demonstrates that you’re not going to jump into anything lightly?

    Good luck whatever you decide, but careful not to judge your insides by Disney fairytale/Hollywood love story appearances.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Love your spirit and attitude, Skeptic, but when I read this...

    Originally Posted by Sarah102
    I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing
    ...I don't see a relationship without "glaring issues" so much as one built, at least in part, on dodging the most glaring of issues. I could do a PowerPoint on the many things I love about my girlfriend, along with the many reasons I love being with her, for instance, but if I'd "always felt something is missing" it would render that PowerPoint presentation moot, at least by my personal rubric of romantic harmony.

    That said, perhaps understanding more about the lifestyle and circumstances of this union would help us offer more refined advice, as right now we're all shooting in the dark a bit.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I can't speak for everyone. I'm not in your shoes but it sounds to me that you have a heck of a lot more going for you than other people or couples.

    He loves you deeply and you feel it everyday. Lady, that right there is PRICELESS. He's already successful and will continue to grow. Home run. He allows you space to do what you need to do for your success and you support each other no matter what. That's amazing. Both of you have fun together and when you're not with him, you find yourself wishing you were. Incredible.

    It sounds like he checks all the boxes except you're not attracted to him. The question is: What do you want? What are you looking for that he doesn't have already? What is missing? Or, are you trying to find something that's missing because everything else about him is so good?

    If you're unsure about marriage, don't marry him. Someone else will swoop and snatch him up while you can find a man who has all the qualities your boyfriend has right now plus more.

    Seek professional couples counseling so a trained therapist can pose some questions which will give you pause to think and answer.

    My long time husband is my best friend to the truest sense of the word. He is very kind, thoughtful, empathetic, possesses high emotional intelligence (EQ), successful, a great provider and an amazing husband and father to our two sons. He makes our household life very smooth, stable, harmonious and content. I can lean on him and he always has my back. He's extremely reliable, responsible, very helpful in every way and I'm honored to be his very lucky wife. He loves and respects me. Through observation, my husband taught our sons how to respect women. Because he's given me such a great life, he makes me fall in love with him more everyday through the years.

    As for you, if you feel that there's something missing from your heart regarding your boyfriend and you want a romantic life partner out of him and he's not filling that void for you, don't marry him because it would be unfair to both of you if love feelings are not completely mutual.

  8. #17
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Love your spirit and attitude, Skeptic, but when I read this...



    ...I don't see a relationship without "glaring issues" so much as one built, at least in part, on dodging the most glaring of issues. I could do a PowerPoint on the many things I love about my girlfriend, along with the many reasons I love being with her, for instance, but if I'd "always felt something is missing" it would render that PowerPoint presentation moot, at least by my personal rubric of romantic harmony.

    That said, perhaps understanding more about the lifestyle and circumstances of this union would help us offer more refined advice, as right now we're all shooting in the dark a bit.

    Roger that.

    Somewhere above there was the age old “is any partnership 100% perfect” discussion going on. She’s the only one who knows the answer, but it might be a part of her own character that causing her to feel this nebulous “can’t put my finger on it” feeling that her erstwhile perfect dude is not delivering the goods?

    Maybe don’t marry yet but also maybe don’t bail out without discovering what’s really behind your very real feeling of something has always felt missing?

    And guess what, it doesn’t matter if you can name it or justify it at the end of the day...if your gut says it’s time to go, then it’s time to go even if people on the outside think you’re crazy for leaving a seemingly good mate. I’m not advocating any particular route, just hoping to possibly shine my own weird, sparkly light on her post.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Sarah102
    How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him.
    What are you referring to here? And what is this alternative lifestyle you mentioned?

    It sounds to me like this isn't a perfect relationship but you've conditioned yourself into thinking it is, when really, there are lingering problems stemming from whatever these past troubles are. I'm also sensing you're not into this alternative lifestyle, whatever it may be, and that too is part of the issue.

    I can't help but feel there's a lot more to this than simply not feeling the romantic spark for him.

  10. #19
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    No. You likely won't be 100% sure. Some are/say they are/truly are. But to me what I needed was this: I needed to be excited to be marrying him and reasonably sure - save for some easily resolvable doubts/jitters that didn't rock me to the core - that he was the right person for me to marry. The excited part is really important to me -because that tells me that I am in love with this person, I am passionate, we have chemistry. Rather than "well I don't think I can find anyone better and I have this list here of pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons so that means I should marry him...... right??" Because then, there is still the "dream of someone else" (from the movie You've Got Mail -watch it because it addresses some of your concerns and doubts).

    Also when I was dating him I knew technically - look, I hadn't dated everyone on the planet so obviously there could be someone "even better" - but I did not care. At all. Someone could have told me about a Mr. Wonderful who was single, great person, handsome, funny, smart and wanted to date me more than anything and I would have said "thanks for sharing - I found my person!". But when I wasn't sure, when something wasn't quite right my ears would have perked up. I wouldn't have cheated but I would have worried about my choice. It might have panicked me too "why did I care about hearing about all these single people? why am I still looking?" that sort of thing.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    In my experience that certain something, that high, those butterflies were typically with men who weren't otherwise good choices for me.
    My best experiences have been that slow burn, that consistency that blossoms into something solid and substantial.

    Those I had those butterflies with, I can tell you I could not have referred to them as my best friend. It was more about angst and drama that created that high.

    But that's me. I haven't always made good choices. But I have learned to not be lured by that high you think you are missing. It often blinds us to the very things we need to be paying attention too. When the high dissipates (because it will) you better hope you can call him your best friend.

    I don't know if this is the guy for you. But it's a good thing you are here vetting it out. I hope you get some clarity.

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