Feelings that never die

Hello everyone. I’m a teenager. There is this guy who I was head over heels for six years ago. He was my first crush. After that there has been no one yet. I never confessed to him for I knew he didn’t share the same feelings. Besides he was dating another friend of mine back then. So knowing that it was hopeless, I gave up on him. About an year ago I realised that my feelings were never lost. Although I hate to admit it, part of me still hopes beyond hope that something could happen between the two of us. I cannot bear to tell him how I feel because I know that this is unrequited. Yet try as I might, I was not able to get over him for the past six years. I am miserably stuck. I need your advice.

How old were you six years ago if you're a teenager now?

Are you planning to attend college? Or find a job?

Don't focus on him because he shouldn't be the center of your world.

You're a teenager. Study hard, get good grades, surround yourself with very moral friends and healthy influences.

Join organizations, hobby clubs, get involved in charitable good works, join a church and ministries (serving / volunteering) if you're faith based and those are good ways to meet young men who are doing the same.

The guy you have your eye on is not the only guy on this planet! Remain patient.

Have goals and missions in your life.

I was once you and invisible. Every attraction I've ever had during high school and college was unrequited. I never had a boyfriend in my life. I gave up on that idea entirely. Therefore, I concentrated on my career, ascended and that's when I started garnering attention without even trying. I could care less. I was very busy exercising, working hard, moving up, becoming financially independent and as a strange twist, I was the one who was pursued; not the other way around! At this point, I could afford to become picky and very choosy.

Fast forward. I'm currently married to the love of my life and have two amazing sons.

The moral of my story is that you need to get on with your own life, be somebody in your own right, succeed and then you will have that automatic draw. Make yourself mysterious and interesting. Succeed and prosper and you will attract the same who are on the fast track, too.

Also, as you grow and mature, you will observe personality and CHARACTER. Emotional intelligence (EQ) will be at the forefront in your brain. Google the words "emotional intelligence" which is a very precious trait to have in your future partner, boyfriend or husband someday.

I was 9-10. So I’m in high school now.

I was 9-10. So I’m in high school now.

That's a childhood crush that has no basis in reality. I imagine you were or are going through something that made you focus on this guy.

Is he also a teenager?

What are your plans for after high school?

People change, become totally different people. It's a big jump from 9 to 15/16 years of age. Maybe he will notice you now, now that you are growing into a young woman. Have you tried to be in his space, be around him, be a part of his social circle?

If you are obsessed with something, the obsession tends to grow when you feed it your energy, and shrink when you feed that energy into other things. What else is going on in your life? Do you have anything you can put your energy into besides dreaming about your dream boy? Activities outside of school, or clubs you can join in school to occupy your extra time there?

If you do want to experiment with dating while a teenager, just because you are really into this guy doesn't mean you have to wait around for him. Find someone else to explore dating with who you aren't obsessed with. It can be fun and who knows, maybe when you are having a good time with another guy your feelings toward a fantasy may not feel so big.

As a last point... how do you know it would be unrequieted? Sometimes the quickest way to get over a feeling like this is to get it out in the open. See if he would consider going on a date with you. Have a friend ask for you if you are too afraid to ask in person. If he turns you down, you will know. Harder to wonder about a future with someone who rejected you.

Good luck, being a teenager is hard stuff. In a few years, this won't matter nearly as much to you as it does now, even though it feels so big.

Thank you very much Cherylyn! I have tried. I get really good grades. Popular among teachers. Fairly popular among student folk too. I am a fan girl, reading is my passion. Singing and writing are other things I’m really fond of. It’s just that I have never had a crush after him. He was the first and the last. For the past six years. I would be going about my work as usual and then his name pops into my head as soon as I read a quote on love. I know it sounds silly. But he just stays in the back of my head all the time and keeps temporarily resurfacing. The time I lost it completely was when I dreamt about him once as being mine and I woke up crying for it felt so real.

Also now it isn’t like a crush at all. No butterflies in stomach or rosy cheeks. That was all in the beginning five years ago. Now whenever I see him in school it is like a gaping void opens inside of me and I feel hollow. And crushing sadness. That’s it.

Talk to a trusted adult. Teacher, counselor, parent, family member. While it's normal to have crushes, becoming obsessed could indicate underlying problems. Do not get this lost in romantic ruminating.

Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and a therapist. You can speak candidly and privately to a doctor or therapist. They do not tell your parents about what you confide in them.

Start getting more involved in school. Clubs, groups, sports, after school activities. Focus on grades and what college you hope to attend and what you envision as a future career.

I was 9-10. So I’m in high school now.

Smackie9. He is very popular in school. A kid in that ‘cool gang’. Yet he hasn’t dated anybody since then and gets excellent grades. He just talks to me as a normal friend. But our conversations are short and awkward. I can sense that there is something on his mind those rare moments we talk but his expression is so hollow and unreadable. We would be chatting with our group of friends in the corridor and as soon as our eyes meet our smiles disappear and we just stare at each other blank until one of us forcibly looks the other way.

Saluk. I decided to confess to him on the farewell day at high school because I just cannot bear to deal with the aftermath but that day is still two years away.

Wiseman2. My parents are conservatives. They’ll honestly kill me if I confess my feelings for someone to them and ask for help. But I surely will try to talk about this to my school counsellor.

That's why it's best to ask them to take you to a doctor/therapist and discuss your feeling and concerns in confidence.

My parents are conservatives. They’ll honestly kill me if I confess my feelings for someone to them and ask for help.

Also now it isn’t like a crush at all. No butterflies in stomach or rosy cheeks. That was all in the beginning five years ago. Now whenever I see him in school it is like a gaping void opens inside of me and I feel hollow. And crushing sadness. That’s it.

I remember this feeling well from my high school crushes.

What a waste of time and energy. I wish I had just dated one of the other girls who liked me instead of fawning over someone who didn't. I bet you I would have gotten over my crush fast if I had tried to live my life as it truly existed at that time, rather than living an imaginary life in my head. Real life, with all of it's highs and lows, is better than the fairy tale. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 27 because I was always pining for someone who wasn't into me. Let me tell you, as awkward as I imagine dating is when you are younger, it has to be much more awkward going through so many firsts as late in life as I did.

What are you going to do with yourself to avoid the same fate?

Thank you very much Cherylyn! I have tried. I get really good grades. Popular among teachers. Fairly popular among student folk too. I am a fan girl, reading is my passion. Singing and writing are other things I’m really fond of. It’s just that I have never had a crush after him. He was the first and the last. For the past six years. I would be going about my work as usual and then his name pops into my head as soon as I read a quote on love. I know it sounds silly. But he just stays in the back of my head all the time and keeps temporarily resurfacing. The time I lost it completely was when I dreamt about him once as being mine and I woke up crying for it felt so real.

No problem, LunaMerkel. Anytime. I've had crushes, too and later I thought how silly I was because those crushes were guys who didn't fare so well in life long term.

When I attended my high school reunion, the guys I had crushes on ended up being sort of losers really. Their girlfriends at the time who eventually aged just like everyone else, didn't do so hot either.

You'll be amazed. Once you enter adulthood, a whole new world will open up to you. New men will waltz into your life. There will be better men and some men who aren't so good either. At that point, you can afford to become very picky and choosy especially if you make sure you're a winner in your own right with your hard work and success.

Try not to cry. The guys you have crushes on now aren't that fantastic. They may look like a dream boy. However, there's nothing special about them. A lot of times the fantasy is sweeter than harsh reality; just like the movies, TV, books or magazines.

I guess you're right. Thank you saluk. The best I can do right now is live my life the way it is to the fullest with my friends and work hard for the future as cherylyn said. Maybe keeping myself busy this way I would eventually lose those feelings. I should perhaps avoid talking or even looking at him, push away those thoughts on what ifs as soon as they resurface into my head.

I just don't understand why it is so hard to forget someone who was never yours. And time isn't healing in any sense...six years. Anyways I gotta keep myself busy now if that's how I can move past this mess. So thank u everyone once again for your support!

I wonder if you might have some underlying issues with anxiety, OP.

LunaMerkel, A good mindset to have is: If things don't pan out the way you want them to, there's usually good reason for that.

Looking back on my life, I feel as though I had a guardian angel or two looking out for me. I had plenty of crushes on guys who I later found out much more about as the years passed. I now am thankful barriers were put up in my way to prevent any romance between me and those particular crushes. They would've been totally bad news for me. In other cases, the guys were fine people, but just not that into me. My angels, or good old fate, made sure that I eventually wound up with someone who was as into me as I was into him.

Chemistry is the easy part. It's biological. Try to change your thought processes, telling yourself that sure, you can't help your chemistry for him, but he's not fated to be your boyfriend, so he's just another cute guy at school, and a nice guy.

Most romances in high school are brief, anyway. A lot of people don't want to be tied down to serious relationships while they are concentrating on their education and enjoying their freedom with their groups of friends. If you do ever end up dating, just take it with a day by day attitude, and enjoying the moment for what it is. If you think you might be the type who would be devastated by a break up, then you shouldn't be dating until you receive some psychological counseling. If you fear your parents will flip out if you're obsessing over a guy, just tell them the part that they could accept, like you're feeling extra anxious about life itself, then hopefully they can agree to some therapy sessions for you. Take care and keep us updated.

Thank you for your concern miss Canuck and andrina. It is true that I struggle with certain emotions but I've never been diagnosed because approaching my parents is completely ruled out. It's just not the way things work out in my family. I usually tend to take things really deep and serious , I guess that's why I'm facing this situation. But I will try talking to a very trusted adult at school.