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Thread: I may want out? Confused

  1. #1
    Member meat50's Avatar
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    I may want out? Confused

    Hi, Iíll try and be brief. I am middle aged, divorced for almost 4 years. I have been seeing someone for almost a year (8 months). She is 10 years younger than I. She is going through a tough divorce. After a few months of dating, we told each other we loved one another. I have been helping her out financially so she can afford an apartment and in other areas too. She never asked for help. I offered. We have talked about long term plans, etc. So hereís my dilemma. Iím not sure I feel the same as I once did. Nothing has happened (e g cheating) I just feel differently and donít really know why. I feel like an ass for feeling this way. I care deeply about her and donít want I leave her hanging so to speak. Iím thinking maybe itís just a phase because I havenít been in a LTR since my divorce. Should I just give it more time?

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    Not a good dynamic. You are dealing with the chaos of her divorce, plus you are financially supporting her- I don't understand why you are giving her money as her boyfriend

    This was not good from the start, as you have become her therapist and benefactor.

    I would end this. Consider reconnecting after her divorce.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-09-2020 at 10:21 AM.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    The honeymoon period is over; that's why you're feeling this way. That's why it's never a good idea to move in with someone too fast, but fortunately you didn't.

    You can give it more time if you feel there's something worth salvaging, but it looks like you're not as compatible as you thought you were. Perhaps take a break from the relationship and see if you can sort out your feelings.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Relationships take effort. Like a plant, if you don't take care of them, they will die. What do you do to keep the spark alive? Does she make an equal effort?

    How much time do you spend together and what do you do when together? Does she have a fulfilling life besides you? If not, maybe it's smothering to you.

    Why you've poured a lot of money into "rescuing" someone is concerning. Life is expensive, and your money shouldn't be handed out to someone like this. At her age, if she hasn't figured out how to live within her means and take care of her own shelter, that's her problem, not yours. It's also an area you should be considering when looking at potential lifetime partners--if they are financially stable and have good work ethics.

    Only you know how you feel and why that could be. If you're not feeling what you should, it's a good time to get out before wasting more time. Maybe if you give us more details and answer the questions I've posed, it might give us and you more insight. The fact that she's not even divorced and in a bad headspace might be one reason this relationship is tanking. Dating is supposed to be fun, so if the divorce is tough, perhaps it's the reason you're no longer having fun.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not take a break until her divorce is final. She and her husband should be working out the finances. She needs a good attorney and therapist, not a bf. Dragging you into this could change anyone's enthusiasm.
    Originally Posted by meat50
    She is going through a tough divorce.

    Iím not sure I feel the same as I once did.

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    Member meat50's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Not a good dynamic. You are dealing with the chaos of her divorce, plus you are financially supporting her- I don't understand why you are giving her money as her boyfriend

    This was not good from the start, as you have become her therapist and benefactor.

    I would end this. Consider reconnecting after her divorce.
    I think maybe sheís ďin loveĒ with me because I am providing support- financial and emotional. Not sure that she would feel the same if the divorce was long over

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    Member meat50's Avatar
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    I started this thread [Register to see the link]
    This got me thinking. Thereís other ďred flagsĒ too. A guy texted her on New Yearís Eve. I asked who texted her ( I thought it was her sister and I was going to say HNY) and she said it was a female friend. I could see the text as she was looking at it and saw it was a male. Not sure why she lied to me. I would t have cared.

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    Member meat50's Avatar
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    Iíd feel guilty just bailing on her. Thatís what Iím trying to get passed

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    Member meat50's Avatar
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    One my thing. Lol. Over the past few months, she has said to me at least three times that she needed time from the relationship to think about where itís going. Not really sure why she said that. There was really no explanation. For what itís worth, the last time she said it, she immediately unfriended on FB. I thought that such a reaction was strange as we werenít ďbroken upĒ

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    That simply happens. There are rough relationship stages where you evaluate, consciously or not, whether to proceed or stop. Usually 3-4 months, and again at 6-8 months.

    This relationship overall has little chance of success as you stepped into a mess with a person who is not yet done with her marriage. Add to it that you've put yourself into a paternal role where the relationship is an unbalanced dynamic of caretaker and dependent. As well as her being distracted with the divorce and you essentially acting as her crutch/rebound. More often that not, once the person is out of the mess, they look at you as a reminder of a bad time and move on clean - shedding both the divorce and the rebound.

    I would end this sooner rather than later and I'd also want to think long and hard about why I chose a messy rescuer type situation instead of opting to date someone who is in a healthy place to make a good partner.

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