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I may want out? Confused


meat50

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Hi, I’ll try and be brief. I am middle aged, divorced for almost 4 years. I have been seeing someone for almost a year (8 months). She is 10 years younger than I. She is going through a tough divorce. After a few months of dating, we told each other we loved one another. I have been helping her out financially so she can afford an apartment and in other areas too. She never asked for help. I offered. We have talked about long term plans, etc. So here’s my dilemma. I’m not sure I feel the same as I once did. Nothing has happened (e g cheating) I just feel differently and don’t really know why. I feel like an ass for feeling this way. I care deeply about her and don’t want I leave her hanging so to speak. I’m thinking maybe it’s just a phase because I haven’t been in a LTR since my divorce. Should I just give it more time?

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Not a good dynamic. You are dealing with the chaos of her divorce, plus you are financially supporting her- I don't understand why you are giving her money as her boyfriend

 

This was not good from the start, as you have become her therapist and benefactor.

 

I would end this. Consider reconnecting after her divorce.

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The honeymoon period is over; that's why you're feeling this way. That's why it's never a good idea to move in with someone too fast, but fortunately you didn't.

 

You can give it more time if you feel there's something worth salvaging, but it looks like you're not as compatible as you thought you were. Perhaps take a break from the relationship and see if you can sort out your feelings.

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Relationships take effort. Like a plant, if you don't take care of them, they will die. What do you do to keep the spark alive? Does she make an equal effort?

 

How much time do you spend together and what do you do when together? Does she have a fulfilling life besides you? If not, maybe it's smothering to you.

 

Why you've poured a lot of money into "rescuing" someone is concerning. Life is expensive, and your money shouldn't be handed out to someone like this. At her age, if she hasn't figured out how to live within her means and take care of her own shelter, that's her problem, not yours. It's also an area you should be considering when looking at potential lifetime partners--if they are financially stable and have good work ethics.

 

Only you know how you feel and why that could be. If you're not feeling what you should, it's a good time to get out before wasting more time. Maybe if you give us more details and answer the questions I've posed, it might give us and you more insight. The fact that she's not even divorced and in a bad headspace might be one reason this relationship is tanking. Dating is supposed to be fun, so if the divorce is tough, perhaps it's the reason you're no longer having fun.

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Why not take a break until her divorce is final. She and her husband should be working out the finances. She needs a good attorney and therapist, not a bf. Dragging you into this could change anyone's enthusiasm.

She is going through a tough divorce.

 

I’m not sure I feel the same as I once did.

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Not a good dynamic. You are dealing with the chaos of her divorce, plus you are financially supporting her- I don't understand why you are giving her money as her boyfriend

 

This was not good from the start, as you have become her therapist and benefactor.

 

I would end this. Consider reconnecting after her divorce.

 

I think maybe she’s “in love” with me because I am providing support- financial and emotional. Not sure that she would feel the same if the divorce was long over

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I started this thread https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563818

This got me thinking. There’s other “red flags” too. A guy texted her on New Year’s Eve. I asked who texted her ( I thought it was her sister and I was going to say HNY) and she said it was a female friend. I could see the text as she was looking at it and saw it was a male. Not sure why she lied to me. I would t have cared.

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One my thing. Lol. Over the past few months, she has said to me at least three times that she needed time from the relationship to think about where it’s going. Not really sure why she said that. There was really no explanation. For what it’s worth, the last time she said it, she immediately unfriended on FB. I thought that such a reaction was strange as we weren’t “broken up”

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That simply happens. There are rough relationship stages where you evaluate, consciously or not, whether to proceed or stop. Usually 3-4 months, and again at 6-8 months.

 

This relationship overall has little chance of success as you stepped into a mess with a person who is not yet done with her marriage. Add to it that you've put yourself into a paternal role where the relationship is an unbalanced dynamic of caretaker and dependent. As well as her being distracted with the divorce and you essentially acting as her crutch/rebound. More often that not, once the person is out of the mess, they look at you as a reminder of a bad time and move on clean - shedding both the divorce and the rebound.

 

I would end this sooner rather than later and I'd also want to think long and hard about why I chose a messy rescuer type situation instead of opting to date someone who is in a healthy place to make a good partner.

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I am providing support- financial and emotional.

 

This is why you are on shaky ground...this is no way to build a solid foundation for a relationship that will last the long haul. I guess you realize this now. Tough crackers if she is going through a divorce. She's an adult, she should be standing on her own two feet. All you are doing is being an enabler. She will never make any effort to make it on her own....and it's not your responsibility to be a provider. You are best to get yourself out of it now, rather than have her suck your soul dry mentally and financially.

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I’d feel guilty just bailing on her. That’s what I’m trying to get passed

 

You can end the relationship and as for the financial part of it, you can simply give her 30 days or however many are realistic to find other arrangements. At the end of the day she is an adult and was living her life before you jumped in with supporting her. In other words, you can do what you feel is fair. It's not really a black and white option of end things and feel guilty or be stuck and unhappy. There is a middle ground.

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You're getting too involved in her finances. It's too much for someone you've only known this long. It's blurring the boundaries between dating and co-dependency. It sounds like neither one of you want to be in this for the long term, but she's currently got you paying her bills, which puts you on the short end of the deal. I would sever the connection as it doesn't appear to be a healthy one for either one of you.

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I think maybe she’s “in love” with me because I am providing support- financial and emotional. Not sure that she would feel the same if the divorce was long over

 

Stop enabling her not to grow up. You're treating her in a father/daughter dynamic by bailing her out of her predicament. Of course you don't feel the same way about her when you have a father/daughter dynamic instead of a relationship with someone who is grown and capable of looking after herself.

 

I suspect she is using you as well so you're not enjoying that loving feeling anymore.

 

Exit this coupling and find someone who is responsible and is capable of being an adult.

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She and her three children were living with her parents

 

So she's not going to be out on the street with her kids. Plus, I imagine the kids' father is providing financial support.

 

Do you like to be needed? Do you often play rescuer to women who you perceive as struggling?

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I think maybe she’s “in love” with me because I am providing support- financial and emotional. Not sure that she would feel the same if the divorce was long over

 

That is not good. Is she still allowing the inappropriate texts from her male friend?

 

You need to think about yourself, you are not her caretaker or parent.

 

I think you should be done with her. Also, look into codependency, as you are enabling this woman. Do you usually get involved in these types of relationships?

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Just curious. Ask yourself. . .had you not been supporting her financially, would leaving be any easier?

 

From what you've shared, it's the thing that keeps you two together.

You somehow feel responsible and she needs the money.

 

Just can't help but wonder if the money wasn't the glue that kept it together, would you still be together?

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Ok, then you don't have to "feel guilty". Not only must her husband support her financially until the divorce he will always have to support his kids financially. She is also getting support from her parents. If you want to stay, stay, but there is no obligation to. Hopefully she is not taking you for a ride.

She and her three children were living with her parents
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