Ugh, why do men do this after the first date?

So I had this date set up with this guy a few weeks ago for that evening. He texted me, but I was busy on another date actually so I didn't have a chance to respond back. Then he called me a few hours after the text. I finally got around to calling him back a few hours later. He called and said he had to cancel our date because he had an emergency at work (he owns his own business - you've probably used one of his products actually). That he wanted to call me instead of text because that was the proper thing to do and didn't want to seem like he was blowing me off because he was, "still very interested" in going out with me, and picked another day.

The day of the rescheduled date comes around. I'm on my way and I'm 30 minutes out and my car gives out. I send him the video of my car and he offered to come there to pick me up and help fix my car. I tell him I had a tow on the way so he didn't need to pick me up. Later he asked if I was okay and we exchanged a few texts and I eventually didn't respond. The next morning he asked how my car was and if was okay. I thought it was very sweet of him to be so concerned.

Finally, our date comes around. I was on my way and he sent me a text asking if I was still coming because he said given our track record haha. Again, I thought it was very sweet that he was concerned/worried I was going to bail on me. The date is going well (or so I thought) and I mention this spot in the city that everyone has tried but I haven't. He said yea we've got to go there some time-okay, a good sign? Then later during the date, he turns to me and says, "I enjoy spending time with you". I reciprocated. He found out that I ubered there so he offered me a ride home. I was coming off the curb and he reached out for my hand to help me - very much the gentleman. He drives me home, which was 30 minutes of out his way btw. He gets out of the car, comes to my side, says he wants to do this again and said maybe we can go to that restaurant you haven't tried yet. I said yea sure that would be cool. He comes in to hug me and gives me a peck on the temple. I text him thanks again for the ride home . Then he eventually tells me he got home to which I replied I'm glad he made home safe and he said thank you. I didn't respond after that.

He texted me two days later asking how my day was going and we texted for a bit, but he didn’t bring up the date.

So why do this?

Tl;dr Why say you enjoy spending time with her during date? Make an hour round trip just to drop her off? Why say you want to see her again? Why contact her a day or 2 later?

Why do that if you’re just not going to follow through with second date? Why not have just kept all those things to yourself after the date and just disappear instead?

How long has it been since he's contacted you? Maybe you're panicking a bit?

I think you’re in panic mode. He likes you a lot. I would not drive 30 min across town for someone I don’t like. A lot.

I do that with friends I know well. Know WELL. You don’t know this dude WELL yet. That’s why I think he likes you a lot.

I have not heared a word from my crush for days. But I’m cool. I kicked the ball into his ballpark on Saturday. Now I just wait. He got my phone number on messenger. It’s up to him to answer. I’m not going to chase him.

I think chasing is the wrong way to go. Atleast for me. Kick the ball to him. If he catches it...you’re up for a game.

Give it some time. Rush slowly. Don’t do every fun thing you can come up with on your first dates.

He’s not talked about next date, maybe he does not count your meetings as dates anymore. Because once you’re a couple, What’s the point of dating? You’re together and do stuff together. But not dating, that is like ”trying out” a new person.

So don’t panic.

Deep breath, Becky.

When was the last time you spoke to him?

So, it sounds like he's a good guy, caring, kind, open, etc, he just doesn't follow your script for him.

Sure, he liked you and wanted to go on more dates with you, but perhaps that other girl he has been dating has requested he not date anyone else, perhaps of the five girls (including you) he has been on dates with recently, he has decided to focus on the top couple and you didn't make the grade. Perhaps he is caught COVID-19 and has iscolated with a penguin and three goldfish for company. Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps....

You could come up with a million reasons, but ultimately, if he doesn't come back to you, he decided against going foward with you. Move on, stop wondering about it.

I think you need to calm down OP.

You have had one date so neither of you owe the other anything. From everything you say about him he seems a decent guy. Perhaps he's seeing other people too as you are and wants to make a more informed decision.

You say he owns a business that most people would have used so he sounds very successful therefore lily very busy.

From what you have said it does sound very much that he enjoys your company I think you are just over thinking everything.

Just take a breath, continue to date other people and see what happens.

Unfortunately this is so common in online dating it's called 'one-and-done". After a first meet even if things went well, people are still meeting others. You blew him off quite a bit so he may have deemed you as "flaky". Make sure you are a bit more organized and prepared to date. Make sure you're not playing games.

I was busy on another date

we exchanged a few texts and I eventually didn't respond.

he sent me a text asking if I was still coming because he said given our track record

I don’t think there was anything wrong in his responses. He sounded pretty kind actually.

I don’t think there was anything wrong in his responses. He sounded pretty kind actually.

He is very kind. He’s so kind that I figured him driving the hour round trip to drop me off & contacting me after was only to be nice.

He is very kind. He’s so kind that I figured him driving the hour round trip to drop me off & contacting me after was only to be nice.

Actually it is pretty darn considerate seeing you know you from Adam.

Hi Becky

I think with on line, its not just up to the guy to reach out.

I agree, no need to chase but there is no harm in one phone call. I like a phone call more than a text. When i think about trying to make a connection with someone, voice & tone make a difference.

I'm the type I don't leave a voice mail. because who likes voice mail? I usually just text after and say something friendly like hi i didn't leave a voice mail but wanted to say hi [emoji4] give me a call back when you get a chance.

I know its a lot of one and done situations, but someone has to be the one to take a chance to move it forward. differentiate yourself from the pack.

if it goes no where, so what. at least there's no what if. Nice guys are worth it. So far it sounds like he's been a nice guy.

Your expectation should be on any first meet or first date that unless you have a time/place planned for the next date, there is no next date unless he calls you and asks you out for another date (or you ask him if you're good with that sort of thing) - no matter what is said - that way you don't get your hopes up or pin hopes on sweet words. He may have 100% meant he enjoyed spending time with you, at that moment he may have thought about seeing you again. Then he changed his mind later for some unknown reason,likely not personal at all. Nothing to do with online dating -online dating is when people only chat online and call it dating - dating can result from someone you first contacted through a website, or met at a party, or got set up through friends or met at work or while line dancing. It's all the same -doesn't matter other than for safety purposes in some cases how you first met

I'm sorry you're disappointed. I had many many one and done but it didn't get to me and I didn't get jaded or cynical about "men" - and that is a huge reason I was able to be the right person to find the right person -because while dating often felt like a job, I didn't let myself go there with the negative generalizations about "men".

Whether on line or off line, I sometimes suggested the first meet since I wasn't into endless typing and talking before meeting and with maybe one exception -maybe (met over 100 men in person) I let him ask for the first actual date.

Your expectation should be on any first meet or first date that unless you have a time/place planned for the next date, there is no next date unless he calls you and asks you out for another date (or you ask him if you're good with that sort of thing) - no matter what is said - that way you don't get your hopes up or pin hopes on sweet words. He may have 100% meant he enjoyed spending time with you, at that moment he may have thought about seeing you again. Then he changed his mind later for some unknown reason,likely not personal at all. Nothing to do with online dating -online dating is when people only chat online and call it dating - dating can result from someone you first contacted through a website, or met at a party, or got set up through friends or met at work or while line dancing. It's all the same -doesn't matter other than for safety purposes in some cases how you first met

 

I'm sorry you're disappointed. I had many many one and done but it didn't get to me and I didn't get jaded or cynical about "men" - and that is a huge reason I was able to be the right person to find the right person -because while dating often felt like a job, I didn't let myself go there with the negative generalizations about "men".

 

Whether on line or off line, I sometimes suggested the first meet since I wasn't into endless typing and talking before meeting and with maybe one exception -maybe (met over 100 men in person) I let him ask for the first actual date.

Thank you. If he changed his mind later why even make contact?

Thank you. If he changed his mind later why even make contact?

He changed his mind about going on a date. He was trying to be polite and/or still considering whether he wanted to date you. Someone might like chatting/texting and not want to date you. For example I've had many potential friends I first met online express a lot of enthusiasm about meeting, text/message me a lot but ultimately they choose not to make the effort to actually get together. Two separate things, especially with dating.

Stop playing games. Learn to be polite and respond to people in a timely fashion. . "Men do this" because you do this:

He texted me, but I was busy on another date actually so I didn't have a chance to respond back.

 

I finally got around to calling him back a few hours later.

 

Later he asked if I was okay and we exchanged a few texts and I eventually didn't respond.

 

Then he eventually tells me he got home to which I replied I'm glad he made home safe and he said thank you. I didn't respond after that.

Stop playing games. Learn to be polite and respond to people in a timely fashion. . "Men do this" because you do this:

I don't think she was playing games - she responded when she could plus I stopped responding if the new person wasn't asking me out -but typically I would say "I'm too busy to chat online but if you want to make another plan you know where to find me" - but it should be obvious in this context that people likely won't have time to endlessly chat to someone they only met once.

I don't think he was playing games either.

The guy went a half hour out of his way to get you home. You can invest 10 seconds on a text asking him out again. This anxiety is 100% avoidable.

I don't think she was playing games - she responded when she could plus I stopped responding if the new person wasn't asking me out -but typically I would say "I'm too busy to chat online but if you want to make another plan you know where to find me" - but it should be obvious in this context that people likely won't have time to endlessly chat to someone they only met once.

 

I don't think he was playing games either.

I guess they’re saying I played games because before the date when he offered to come get me when my car broke down I kind of stopped responding and he still reached out the next day to check up on me. Then I didn’t reply when he went away for work then made contact a week later.

Calm down.

Your only issue here is that he isn't taking off at 1000 mph rushing to sweep you off your feet and bombarding you with texts and rushing to arrange the next date. Guys who do that are guys you want to avoid. This man is behaving like a sane busy person who is interested in getting to know you minus the rush. Chill and learn to relax a bit. Also, show some interest on your part. It may be he isn't rushing to ask because he is busy with work or because he isn't sure of your interest level in him. He had no reason to contact you again and chat with you if he had lost interest completely after the date.

Every interaction is highlighted with "I didn't respond" or "I responded hours later" etc. Why bring that up as a badge of honor? Yes that's playing games. Stop reading how to play hard-to-get material, because as you found out, the good guys see through that and like this guy, they bow out.

I guess they’re saying I played games because before the date when he offered to come get me when my car broke down I kind of stopped responding and he still reached out the next day to check up on me. Then I didn’t reply when he went away for work then made contact a week later.

Yup, that is playing games.

Yes i agree, feels like the OP was playing some kind of games in the beginning. Feels like a whole lot of hurt ego for the fact he's not begging her to spend time with him rather than an undying love/connection.

At no point did you make this man a priority for you rather its always what can he do to make you his when he doesn't even know you. Maybe he's picked up on this behaviour from you and decided to skip class.

I guess they’re saying I played games because before the date when he offered to come get me when my car broke down I kind of stopped responding and he still reached out the next day to check up on me. Then I didn’t reply when he went away for work then made contact a week later.

I agree that wasn't thoughtful of you. Thanks for clarifying.

I think you've come across as a bit cold and not that interested, so that's why he isn't rushing to set up the next date. So, as Jmann already said, you can stop all this by reaching out to him and showing clear interest and inviting him out. Then you'll have your answer either way. This is really not that complicated and not a case of "men do this" - you are an active participant.

Yes i agree, feels like the OP was playing some kind of games in the beginning. Feels like a whole lot of hurt ego for the fact he's not begging her to spend time with him rather than an undying love/connection.

 

At no point did you make this man a priority for you rather its always what can he do to make you his when he doesn't even know you. Maybe he's picked up on this behaviour from you and decided to skip class.

Thanks. feel a little worse now because I forgot before an hour before our date he texted me asking how I was. I said I’m good and then he asked if I was still on time for our date because of the other times went he wanted to double check. I guess if he wasn’t really interested he wouldn’t have been worried about the date falling through, right?

However, I thought I was showing interest.

He gets of the car to drop me off and he said we should do this again and mentioned going to that spot I wanted to try to which I replied either yea sure or yea we can do that. He comes in for a hug, kisses me on the temple and I go inside. All that seems affirmative enough to me?