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Thread: Am I Wrong and Selfish?

  1. #1

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    Am I Wrong and Selfish?

    My fiancé’s mother is having a major surgery in a few weeks and wants him to fly out to see her. She’s located on the west coast and we are on the east coast and wants him to do a one-way ticket.

    Some background on our relationship (my future mother-in-law and I), she doesn’t like me. She has screamed in my face before, on Christmas, and constantly tries to convince my fiancé to break up with me, even after 7 years together. She blew up at him when we announced we were engaged and refused to speak with him for weeks. She got angry with him for only wanting to stay for 2 weeks to help her and my FFIL, saying she would possibly need him for 8 weeks.

    I’m scared he wouldn’t come back, I’m scared he could get sick, which gets them sick while my FMIL is recovering and my FFIL has health issues.

    I really don’t want him to go, but I feel like a horrible person for thinking so.

    Am I being selfish?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Is he an only child? Does she have any other form of support to help her after surgery?

    I'd say she's the one who is selfishly demanding him to stop his life and fly out to her assistance for 8 weeks. Wouldn't that put some financial burdens on you?

    Why would you be scared that he wouldn't come back?? I think there's more to this story.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am seriously no fan whatsoever of my in-law family, but , yes you are being selfish. Never try to separate anyone from their parents.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Is a man that would leave you for his mother really the kind of man you want to marry? I’m thinking that your fears he won’t come back are probably not grounded in truth.

    At the same time it sounds unreasonable to put ones life on hold for two months unless absolutely medically necessary? What kind of surgery has an 8 week timeframe for being bedridden? As a medical sales professional I understand that full recovery can take several months, however most people reach a level of independence similar to what they enjoyed before the surgery within a week or so?

    Anyways, you’re not a bad person for THINKING anything...ever. It’s how you decide to carry yourself and your ACTIONS that will determine how you feel about yourself later on down the road when this isn’t a big deal.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Why do you think he'd "get sick"? Is whatever his mother is having surgery for contagious?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Yes you are selfish. This is his mother, if s he needs help then he should go and help. However, 8 weeks is too long. 2 weeks should be enough and if she needs more help than that there are services that can attend to her.

    He might not come bac kc? If you doubt him that much or think his mother can persuade him to dump you, then he's not the guy for you.

    You should never try to come between anyone and their parents.

  8. #7
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    Yes, you need to be a little more understanding and trust your boyfriend more, OP.

    Why are you afraid he won't return? Doesn't that say more about his own lack of interest in the relationship than any meddling his mom can do?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately this is his family and he should go out to see them. It's not your call despite how much you hate his mother. Why would you marry into this?
    Originally Posted by Redtie67
    She has screamed in my face before, on Christmas, and constantly tries to convince my fiancé to break up with me, even after 7 years together. She blew up at him when we announced we were engaged and refused to speak with him for weeks.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You have no choice but to trust your fiance to continue to maintain boundaries with his mother as he has already demonstrated that he can. The fact that you don't seem to be able to at this moment kind of makes me wonder if your relationship has been shaky lately.

    Anyway, this is a time to keep out of it for you. 8 weeks is a long time to demand and most people can't afford to take off from work like that. Let him make his own decisions on what he wants to do and how long he is willing or can afford to stay there. Whatever he decides, be supportive rather than negative about it. At least put on a brave face. What you should discuss as a couple is the economics of him going and for how long. Realize also that round trip or one way - no guarantee someone is coming back. He can buy a one way ticket, get fed up with his mother and be back in a week or he can buy round trip and cancel the return. So don't fixate on that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did you break up? When push comes to shove he's going to do what he wants. And what he wants is to be with his mother for an undetermined period.
    Originally Posted by Redtie67
    wants him to do a one-way ticket. she would possibly need him for 8 weeks.

    I’m scared he wouldn’t come back

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