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Am I Wrong and Selfish?


Redtie67

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My fiancé’s mother is having a major surgery in a few weeks and wants him to fly out to see her. She’s located on the west coast and we are on the east coast and wants him to do a one-way ticket.

 

Some background on our relationship (my future mother-in-law and I), she doesn’t like me. She has screamed in my face before, on Christmas, and constantly tries to convince my fiancé to break up with me, even after 7 years together. She blew up at him when we announced we were engaged and refused to speak with him for weeks. She got angry with him for only wanting to stay for 2 weeks to help her and my FFIL, saying she would possibly need him for 8 weeks.

 

I’m scared he wouldn’t come back, I’m scared he could get sick, which gets them sick while my FMIL is recovering and my FFIL has health issues.

 

I really don’t want him to go, but I feel like a horrible person for thinking so.

 

Am I being selfish?

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Is he an only child? Does she have any other form of support to help her after surgery?

 

I'd say she's the one who is selfishly demanding him to stop his life and fly out to her assistance for 8 weeks. Wouldn't that put some financial burdens on you?

 

Why would you be scared that he wouldn't come back?? I think there's more to this story.

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Is a man that would leave you for his mother really the kind of man you want to marry? I’m thinking that your fears he won’t come back are probably not grounded in truth.

 

At the same time it sounds unreasonable to put ones life on hold for two months unless absolutely medically necessary? What kind of surgery has an 8 week timeframe for being bedridden? As a medical sales professional I understand that full recovery can take several months, however most people reach a level of independence similar to what they enjoyed before the surgery within a week or so?

 

Anyways, you’re not a bad person for THINKING anything...ever. It’s how you decide to carry yourself and your ACTIONS that will determine how you feel about yourself later on down the road when this isn’t a big deal.

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Yes you are selfish. This is his mother, if s he needs help then he should go and help. However, 8 weeks is too long. 2 weeks should be enough and if she needs more help than that there are services that can attend to her.

 

He might not come bac kc? If you doubt him that much or think his mother can persuade him to dump you, then he's not the guy for you.

 

You should never try to come between anyone and their parents.

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Unfortunately this is his family and he should go out to see them. It's not your call despite how much you hate his mother. Why would you marry into this?

She has screamed in my face before, on Christmas, and constantly tries to convince my fiancé to break up with me, even after 7 years together. She blew up at him when we announced we were engaged and refused to speak with him for weeks.
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You have no choice but to trust your fiance to continue to maintain boundaries with his mother as he has already demonstrated that he can. The fact that you don't seem to be able to at this moment kind of makes me wonder if your relationship has been shaky lately.

 

Anyway, this is a time to keep out of it for you. 8 weeks is a long time to demand and most people can't afford to take off from work like that. Let him make his own decisions on what he wants to do and how long he is willing or can afford to stay there. Whatever he decides, be supportive rather than negative about it. At least put on a brave face. What you should discuss as a couple is the economics of him going and for how long. Realize also that round trip or one way - no guarantee someone is coming back. He can buy a one way ticket, get fed up with his mother and be back in a week or he can buy round trip and cancel the return. So don't fixate on that.

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Did you break up? When push comes to shove he's going to do what he wants. And what he wants is to be with his mother for an undetermined period.

wants him to do a one-way ticket. she would possibly need him for 8 weeks.

 

I’m scared he wouldn’t come back

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I think you have to support him in his decision because if you don't you might as well end things either because you can't accept this level of commitment to his mother at this time or because he will see that you are not a true partner. I might feel differently if you had a young child to parent during this time. Might. He can quarrantine himself when he returns if he was exposed to anything. I'm sorry you and your future mother in law don't get along -is there a wedding date?

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I’m scared he wouldn’t come back,
What is wrong with your relationship that him not returning would even be on your radar? If you are afraid that he won't come back then clearly you are with the wrong person whom you don't trust. After all the time you have been in this relationship, fearing he won't come back to you should be the very last thing you worry about.

 

Let him go to help out his mother while she recovers and don't make him feel guilty for going... nagging him with your insecurities is a sure way to make him NOT want to come back.

 

Does he not have a job? Going for 7 weeks? What company would allow that? Can he work from home and so leaving wouldn't be a problem?

 

Why does she hate you so? Are you Indian and she didn't approve of you to begin with but he went ahead with the relationship anyway?

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I think this is a time where you need to be understanding and supportive and just take it one day at a time. There are possible scenarios and outcomes at play and you just have to sit tight and see what they might be as they develop, all the while being supportive to your boyfriend in this time of need for him. You can navigate the situation as it unfolds.

 

Just don't lose sight of the fact that your bf needs your support right now, first and foremost. If it gets to a point in the future where your fmil does seem to overstepping boundaries, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But don't assume anything for now. Just be there for your bf and don't ruminate on it too much. It's just one of those things that happens in life that we have to deal with.

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How you feel about you MIL at this time isn't what is important. It's how you feel about your fiance. and his feelings that count. Don't put him in a position to choose and be the better person and support him.

 

You can continue to feel anyway about her all you like, but don't put him in the middle and make him pay the price.

 

Just because she behaves badly doesn't mean you need to follow suit.

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I wouldn't say you're selfish for feeling how you feel, but I wouldn't attempt to influence my partner at such a delicate time. THAT would be selfish. He's a grown man who's entitled to make his own choices, so making that harder on him makes no sense. He's going to do as he wishes anyway, so why harm your relationship by imposing negativity on him for that?

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Yes you are being selfish, he's a grown man he can do whatever he wants for his family. If you have no confidence in your relationship, then there is zero relationship.

 

Tip: never marry into a family where the parents hate you and treat you with such disrespect. Do you want your kids around that woman? You will have no choice to be with her during the holidays, birthday parties etc. That hate and resentment will follow you through the whole marriage and be a source of your arguments with your future husband.

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Yes you are being selfish, he's a grown man he can do whatever he wants for his family. If you have no confidence in your relationship, then there is zero relationship.

 

Tip: never marry into a family where the parents hate you and treat you with such disrespect. Do you want your kids around that woman? You will have no choice to be with her during the holidays, birthday parties etc. That hate and resentment will follow you through the whole marriage and be a source of your arguments with your future husband.

Bingo, my in-laws hated me on sight, but it was nothing personal they would’ve hated any woman. I have had 30 years of their BS.

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