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Thread: Seperating from wife

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You've both been arguing/failing in the marriage for the last 10 years, she's cheated and neither of you are happy. So, what is it that has kept you together all of these years because it's quite clear that you no longer love one another. Please don't say you "love her but you're not in love with her."

    "Put the best interests of your children first?" What do you think that means regarding your pending separation, Salty?
    Honestly donít know what would be best for the kids.
    I donít know if we could be happy together even if I commit to trying moving forward.
    I donít know if the kids will have a better life if we split.
    Apparently studies suggest sticking together is best, but I really canít see that working out. She is fickle as can be, one minute probably wants to stick together, next minute wants to screw someone else.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Please Salty, don't resort to drinking. I know it feels like it helps, but it will only bring you into the darkness more and more.
    Your children need you right now.

    Get yourself into see a personal counsellor or therapist asap. Reach out for help.

    Keep in mind that many of us have been where you are and have survived. You are not alone. You can get through this and come out the other side.
    Message on here as much as you feel the need to. There are many who understand and have been in your shoes at one time.
    This is such a lovely community, thank you.
    I do enjoy a beer, in part I want to drink til this ends, I donít know why. Maybe because it pisses her off. Iím not a mess in front of the kids or anything I get blind by myself downstairs =)
    Iíve had plenty of therapy, nothing helps. Ultimately whatís done is done and thereís nothing to change this situation that makes me miserable which ever way I go. I know if we split Iíll be happy eventually. I know if I try and stick together Iíll be in the same place 6 months down the track.
    We have a couples therapy session coming up, will see how that goes. I do think splitting is the best option. Canít thank you enough itís really great chatting here.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you separate and get child visitation, you'll have to address this if you hope to get unsupervised visitation.. Start right now. Google problem drinking....Go to an AA meeting and see what's what. . Even though you're not falling down in an alleyway, there's a problem with this much drink.
    Originally Posted by saltycrispy
    Iíve hit the bottle pretty hard intermittently

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Very good point, Wiseman.

    Be careful, Salty. She can use your drinking against you to stop you from seeing your children.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What if one of your kids got hurt or sick and needed to be taken to the ER? Do you want to be blitzed while driving your child to the hospital? Do you want the ER doctors or nurses notating "father smelled of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated" on their report?

    Please stop the drinking.

  7. #16
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    Fair enough, I may have portrayed my drinking here worse than what it is. She drinks too much also. Thereís been a few instances where I got carried away, but the majority of the time I am sober. I would rarely have a beer through the week.
    I also deleted a fair bit of my evidence of her infidelity, thinking itíd be a weight off my shoulders to never have to see it all again. I hope I didnít make a poor choice in doing this.
    Thanks for the advice, we get along reasonably well day to day now, but itís loveless. Iíll start dotting my iís and crossing my tís for that very reason. I could imagine things getting ugly at some point.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    You know I have been around here a pretty long time and have seen so many men and women in your shoes. From where you are sitting there is a lot of unknowns if you split with her. You already know you will be miserable staying and you know she will keep cheating on you. These are hard facts.

    Let me give you some hard facts I know from my experience here and in real life. Most of it personal experience.

    1. It is a huge life changing thing to divorce or split with someone you have guilt a life with there is no doubt but the man you have lost in this dysfunctional relationship is still within you and he can be reborn once you get out of this relationship.
    2. Your children are way more affected by this than you think. Even if they do not consciously understand you are unhappy they are affected and actually form what they think a healthy relationship is supposed to be like by seeing you and their mother interact. Which would you rather they imprint on: A father that is happy or a father that is miserable, cheated on and treated like a doormat?
    3. You will be so much more than just okay once you are 9 to 12 months out from the split. The burden you carry on your shoulders right now is crushing you even if you don't realize it. Once the dread of facing her everyday and wondering who she will be at any given moment is gone you will feel better emotionally and physically.
    4. You have a right to a happy life too. She has made it pretty clear what she wants and goes out and does what she wants to the detriment of your feelings or the family. It may not be your nature but you need to be a little selfish and do things to build a happy life for yourself and the first step is ending things with her.

    I was dealt a pretty big crap sandwich and thought my world was ruined but I listened to others here, worked hard on accepting things as they really are (not the way I wanted them to be) and focused on the things I had control over and I am now happier than I ever was with my ex. In time like me you may look back and think she did you a huge favor by pushing it so far you had to end it.

    Take good care of yourself so you can be the best single dad you can be and ALWAYS try your best, even if your best isn't all that great that day at least you tried.

    Keep posting, it helps...

    Lost

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    You know I have been around here a pretty long time and have seen so many men and women in your shoes. From where you are sitting there is a lot of unknowns if you split with her. You already know you will be miserable staying and you know she will keep cheating on you. These are hard facts.

    Let me give you some hard facts I know from my experience here and in real life. Most of it personal experience.

    1. It is a huge life changing thing to divorce or split with someone you have guilt a life with there is no doubt but the man you have lost in this dysfunctional relationship is still within you and he can be reborn once you get out of this relationship.
    2. Your children are way more affected by this than you think. Even if they do not consciously understand you are unhappy they are affected and actually form what they think a healthy relationship is supposed to be like by seeing you and their mother interact. Which would you rather they imprint on: A father that is happy or a father that is miserable, cheated on and treated like a doormat?
    3. You will be so much more than just okay once you are 9 to 12 months out from the split. The burden you carry on your shoulders right now is crushing you even if you don't realize it. Once the dread of facing her everyday and wondering who she will be at any given moment is gone you will feel better emotionally and physically.
    4. You have a right to a happy life too. She has made it pretty clear what she wants and goes out and does what she wants to the detriment of your feelings or the family. It may not be your nature but you need to be a little selfish and do things to build a happy life for yourself and the first step is ending things with her.

    I was dealt a pretty big crap sandwich and thought my world was ruined but I listened to others here, worked hard on accepting things as they really are (not the way I wanted them to be) and focused on the things I had control over and I am now happier than I ever was with my ex. In time like me you may look back and think she did you a huge favor by pushing it so far you had to end it.

    Take good care of yourself so you can be the best single dad you can be and ALWAYS try your best, even if your best isn't all that great that day at least you tried.

    Keep posting, it helps...

    Lost
    Thanks mate, youíre a legend.
    I agree with all of your points, my head would be in the sand otherwise.
    I have not been the best partner, I was deemed by her as unsupportive when she had post natal depression, as at the time I was very against depression/anxiety drugs, thinking itíd impact the kids via breastmilk. In hindsight I would have approached things differently, I still have the same ideas but when people arenít coping for whatever stupid reason, you just have to let them do their thing and be supportive. I was very against seeking help for mental health issues, I feel horrible about it, I didnít get it. I didnít understand why on earth she was so depressed, our life couldnít have been better on paper. I apologised a lot over this. Ironically now I am the one feeling pretty f-ed in the head seeing a psyche regularly. Iíll still avoid medication, and donít understand it, but do not begrudge those who choose to go down that path. My only prescription at the moment is beers ;)
    Anyhow, she blamed this, and our difunctional relationship for her cheating. She resents me etc. I see it from her perspective but still believe it is not justification based on monogamy ideals.
    Anyhow, it turned out she had messed around even in the honeymoon period, first year of dating. Here I was saying I love you, meanwhile she was trying very hard to tee up something with her last flame, keen to screw him and run away together in a nutshell. I found the messages recently. Thereís tinder and all that other bull over the years too that I found.
    I could forgive past stuff ups for the sake of the kids and to fulfil my own ideals, a traditional family. But, the thing is we just donít gel, pretty well since we had kids. She also wants to have an open relationship as she is interested in women. Iíve fobbed this all off for ages, often when we have a bad argument sheís had enough etc. Iíd be like, you are just cranky, blah blah. I finally cracked it and said fine, me too, you are right, we are a rubbish couple.
    Sheís changed her tune a bit since, but itís now like we are in limbo. If I was super keen to stay, weíd continue as a couple I think. If I wanted to leave, end of it. I donít care what happens, Iíve always been happy in an unhappy relationship. If she leaves I will be fine.
    I donít want to push her though, as I could imagine a happy relationship as a family. I can fob the cheating.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Salty,
    I am hardly a legend...

    You talk like you are okay with being unhappy with the hope that she will one day snap out of this and decide to dedicate herself to only you and the family. I wish I could tell you that glimmer of hope inside you is well founded but I cannot. She didn't get drunk and kiss a coworker or flirt with some guy at the store. From the very start of your relationship she has put her wants way above your feelings and she will continue to do that to anyone she is with, even your children to some extent.


    Right now you know what you have and as crappy as it is you are used to it and possibly comfortable. Breaking up is a whole lot of unknowns and it means you will be alone as well. These things do not look all that attractive because you simply don't know what will become of you and your future. Many of us have been where you are but like I said I can guarantee you that you will be fine and the children will be fine.

    So as far as her blaming you for her cheating goes. Cheaters almost never take the blame for what they have done. They lie and lie some more and when they are caught red handed they make excuses and when those don't work they shift the blame to the victim. Enter Salty stage left... When I caught my wife and she was done trying to lie her way out of it she began digging up anything she could from 20 years together to make what she was doing less of a thing. Like if the time I made a bad joke at her company party and embarrassed her gave her permission to have sex with some loser 18 years later. Suddenly I was controlling, verbally abusive, didn't think she was smart, never supported her goals and on and on it went. She actually had me doubting myself for a minute until a very good friend threatened to kick my butt for listening to her make stuff up to cover her cheating. Was I the best husband? No I wasn't but I was none of the things she tried to make me out as.

    People make mistakes in relationships all the time just like you did. It is NEVER a reason or excuse to cheat and lie. She betrayed you and your family and it is that simple. She is a cheater and cheaters are the most selfish people you will ever encounter in your life. You will not fix her, you will not out wait her selfishness, you will not love it out of her and you will never be the prefect husband so she will not be selfish and cheat on you. How do I know all this to be 100% true? Because it is not about you, it is all about who she is deep down and who she probably had been long before you met her.

    You know when you run out of options and there is only one thing left you can do the decision is pretty simple. It is time to save yourself and the rest of your life. I hate divorce and I hate when I hear families breaking up and I don't give this advice in a cavalier way but it is time to end this. You say you are both financially well taken care of and it will be amicable so what is holding you back from ending it? I know you still love her but she does not love you no matter what she says, her actions all these years have shown that. She may not even know what true love is or may not even be capable.

    So tell us why you have stayed or why you will not end it? Don't say "for the sake of the children" because that will not fly around here.

    Be brutally honest with your answers, you are safe here.

    Lost

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Salty,
    I am hardly a legend...

    You talk like you are okay with being unhappy with the hope that she will one day snap out of this and decide to dedicate herself to only you and the family. I wish I could tell you that glimmer of hope inside you is well founded but I cannot. She didn't get drunk and kiss a coworker or flirt with some guy at the store. From the very start of your relationship she has put her wants way above your feelings and she will continue to do that to anyone she is with, even your children to some extent.


    Right now you know what you have and as crappy as it is you are used to it and possibly comfortable. Breaking up is a whole lot of unknowns and it means you will be alone as well. These things do not look all that attractive because you simply don't know what will become of you and your future. Many of us have been where you are but like I said I can guarantee you that you will be fine and the children will be fine.

    So as far as her blaming you for her cheating goes. Cheaters almost never take the blame for what they have done. They lie and lie some more and when they are caught red handed they make excuses and when those don't work they shift the blame to the victim. Enter Salty stage left... When I caught my wife and she was done trying to lie her way out of it she began digging up anything she could from 20 years together to make what she was doing less of a thing. Like if the time I made a bad joke at her company party and embarrassed her gave her permission to have sex with some loser 18 years later. Suddenly I was controlling, verbally abusive, didn't think she was smart, never supported her goals and on and on it went. She actually had me doubting myself for a minute until a very good friend threatened to kick my butt for listening to her make stuff up to cover her cheating. Was I the best husband? No I wasn't but I was none of the things she tried to make me out as.

    People make mistakes in relationships all the time just like you did. It is NEVER a reason or excuse to cheat and lie. She betrayed you and your family and it is that simple. She is a cheater and cheaters are the most selfish people you will ever encounter in your life. You will not fix her, you will not out wait her selfishness, you will not love it out of her and you will never be the prefect husband so she will not be selfish and cheat on you. How do I know all this to be 100% true? Because it is not about you, it is all about who she is deep down and who she probably had been long before you met her.

    You know when you run out of options and there is only one thing left you can do the decision is pretty simple. It is time to save yourself and the rest of your life. I hate divorce and I hate when I hear families breaking up and I don't give this advice in a cavalier way but it is time to end this. You say you are both financially well taken care of and it will be amicable so what is holding you back from ending it? I know you still love her but she does not love you no matter what she says, her actions all these years have shown that. She may not even know what true love is or may not even be capable.

    So tell us why you have stayed or why you will not end it? Don't say "for the sake of the children" because that will not fly around here.

    Be brutally honest with your answers, you are safe here.

    Lost
    Hey Lost,

    I guess I stayed because when I discovered what was going on about 2 years ago, I blamed myself. She had told me how unhappy she was etc, for some time, wanted to go to counselling, I refused and said we'd be better off going out for dinner etc, fobbed it all off and just made efforts to improve, that were short lived. I felt I owed it to the family to try and make it work, given I was part the reason behind it. I tried to see things from her perspective, if I resented my Mrs, and was away working in another state, had a few drinks, and a glamour was hitting on me, I can understand why the first night would happen. The thing I couldn't hack, that was beyond what I believe was the first night, she was pursuing the affair, horrid to read, very two faced what was being said to me. Here I was encouraging her to work away (she said it was great for her career), meanwhile she's just shagging and staying with someone on the side. The more I dug the more I found in the end, I honestly thought there was no way she would have been doing the dirty, blew my mind.
    Things were looking ok for a while after that, I was happy, but then the whole lesbian urges came around again and I was like bugger this. I'm not at all down with the open relationship, not with someone I saw as a partner to attempt to raise a family with. Get that out of the way before kids, had no idea she was into this before we had kids.
    Now, I think we're in a pretty good place, we both want to seperate, but are just trying to do so in a rational manner. We get on well enough for the time being. It's a case of biding our time to find her / myself another place to live, I'm apprehensive to buy anything at the moment I think the property market is about to take a decent hit. We may look at rentals, but are stuck together for the mean time. Covid-19 has came at quite an inconvenient time! It's going to be really hard breaking the news to the kids, but I think it will be for the best. I'm sure it will also be uncomfortable / sad seeing her with someone else.
    In hindsight I don't know what I would have done differently. We rushed into kids, both took a known risk once, pregnant after about 12 months together. At the time it seemed all good. It's really hard to judge someone's character, I never would have envisaged this 12 months into our relationship.
    Oh well, when life serves you lemons, make lemonade. I'm excited to enjoy single dad life, at some point in the future. Cheers.

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