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Seperating from wife


saltycrispy

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So, I’m in the phase where I’m still with my partner (never officially married). We have 2 kids and a life together.

We’ve not got on overly well for years and it has gradually gotten worse where each time we argue is her saying she’s had enough.

In recent years, last couple (of about 10) I’ve discovered she has messed around the whole time, breaks my heart. Loving my kids I’ve made my best efforts to keep it all together but I am done.

Any thoughts are welcomed. I am still on and off the whole splitting thing. But after the problems we’ve had, plus not getting on it has to be time to split.

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My thoughts are that you should put the best interests of your children first and since you are not married and she is not your wife consult with an attorney to make sure that you have everything in order because it may be different for non-married couples (not sure if you have common law marriage)

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You've both been arguing/failing in the marriage for the last 10 years, she's cheated and neither of you are happy. So, what is it that has kept you together all of these years because it's quite clear that you no longer love one another. Please don't say you "love her but you're not in love with her."

 

"Put the best interests of your children first?" What do you think that means regarding your pending separation, Salty?

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Is there someone else you are talking to/noticing lately? Contact an attorney regarding severing any assets as well as what child support and visitation could entail. That may help you make some decisions.

never officially married. We have 2 kids . I am still on and off the whole splitting thing.
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I used to mock people who said they were “staying together for the kids” until I became one. I stayed in an ugly marriage for YEARS past the expiration date. I was so scared of starting over that I just got comfortable with “the devil I knew.”

 

In my experience my kids were WAY happier once the turmoil of breaking up with their mother was settled and we could act together as co-parents. Living amongst our bickerering, our examples of infidelity & insecurity and our outright screaming fights was NOT in their best interest.

 

Tough situation mate, but I wish you peace and strength along your path.

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Please do not stay in this dysfunctional relationship for the kids. It's really against their best interests and will affect them badly for life. They are literally watching mom cheat and dad roll over and no consequences - that's the relationship dynamic being demonstrated to them and what they will think of as "normal". Not to mention all the toxic tension in the house from all the bickering and fighting.

 

Please consult with an attorney, learn your rights and part ways. Demonstrate better for your children while you still can.

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You will be way more happier single and alone focusing on the children than staying with her.

 

I agree you need to get some good legal advice about your parental rights BEFORE you do anything else. After that make sure there is not some sort of line drawn on the sand where you live like 10 years together means you owe her alimony regardless if you are legally married or not.

 

It may seem scary and a hard thing to do but what are your choices? Stay with a cheater you are not in love with or set yourself free? I chose freedom and honesty and I bet your kids will be way happier knowing dad is not beaten down, lied to and taken for granted any longer.

 

Teach your children to stand up for their lives and make the hard choices to have a happy life. Teach by example...

 

Lost

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Thanks for all the posts, really appreciate it.

There’s been some dark times for me, I’ve hit the bottle pretty hard intermittently, it numbs the pain.

It’s funny, to most we would seem like the perfect couple. Wealthy, good jobs, healthy kids etc. There’s so much more to it. It was really traumatic reading all of the messages, emails, when I was completely oblivious to it, thought there was no way in the world. I could barely sleep for a week. It really can turn your world upside down. I am ok years on, but, not the same person I was prior. She wants an open relationship also, I’m not at all interested.

We’re seeing a councillor soon, I think more so to confirm it’s not irrational to split, given it’s such a big decision, at least from my perspective. I’ll be very thorough with asset splits, but think we’ll be able to do it amicably which is good.

The kids have no idea, we get on ok in front of them, still far from perfect though.

I’m excited to split, I’ve let go and feel empty inside. I feel once we split I will be happy.

Anyways, I’d like to share more but it’s nice being anonymous. Cheers and best luck through what appears to be tough times coming globally. I’ll check in here from time to time.

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Please Salty, don't resort to drinking. I know it feels like it helps, but it will only bring you into the darkness more and more.

Your children need you right now.

 

Get yourself into see a personal counsellor or therapist asap. Reach out for help.

 

Keep in mind that many of us have been where you are and have survived. You are not alone. You can get through this and come out the other side.

Message on here as much as you feel the need to. There are many who understand and have been in your shoes at one time.

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You've both been arguing/failing in the marriage for the last 10 years, she's cheated and neither of you are happy. So, what is it that has kept you together all of these years because it's quite clear that you no longer love one another. Please don't say you "love her but you're not in love with her."

 

"Put the best interests of your children first?" What do you think that means regarding your pending separation, Salty?

 

Honestly don’t know what would be best for the kids.

I don’t know if we could be happy together even if I commit to trying moving forward.

I don’t know if the kids will have a better life if we split.

Apparently studies suggest sticking together is best, but I really can’t see that working out. She is fickle as can be, one minute probably wants to stick together, next minute wants to screw someone else.

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Please Salty, don't resort to drinking. I know it feels like it helps, but it will only bring you into the darkness more and more.

Your children need you right now.

 

Get yourself into see a personal counsellor or therapist asap. Reach out for help.

 

Keep in mind that many of us have been where you are and have survived. You are not alone. You can get through this and come out the other side.

Message on here as much as you feel the need to. There are many who understand and have been in your shoes at one time.

 

This is such a lovely community, thank you.

I do enjoy a beer, in part I want to drink til this ends, I don’t know why. Maybe because it pisses her off. I’m not a mess in front of the kids or anything I get blind by myself downstairs =)

I’ve had plenty of therapy, nothing helps. Ultimately what’s done is done and there’s nothing to change this situation that makes me miserable which ever way I go. I know if we split I’ll be happy eventually. I know if I try and stick together I’ll be in the same place 6 months down the track.

We have a couples therapy session coming up, will see how that goes. I do think splitting is the best option. Can’t thank you enough it’s really great chatting here.

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If you separate and get child visitation, you'll have to address this if you hope to get unsupervised visitation.. Start right now. Google problem drinking....Go to an AA meeting and see what's what. . Even though you're not falling down in an alleyway, there's a problem with this much drink.

I’ve hit the bottle pretty hard intermittently

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What if one of your kids got hurt or sick and needed to be taken to the ER? Do you want to be blitzed while driving your child to the hospital? Do you want the ER doctors or nurses notating "father smelled of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated" on their report?

 

Please stop the drinking.

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Fair enough, I may have portrayed my drinking here worse than what it is. She drinks too much also. There’s been a few instances where I got carried away, but the majority of the time I am sober. I would rarely have a beer through the week.

I also deleted a fair bit of my evidence of her infidelity, thinking it’d be a weight off my shoulders to never have to see it all again. I hope I didn’t make a poor choice in doing this.

Thanks for the advice, we get along reasonably well day to day now, but it’s loveless. I’ll start dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s for that very reason. I could imagine things getting ugly at some point.

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You know I have been around here a pretty long time and have seen so many men and women in your shoes. From where you are sitting there is a lot of unknowns if you split with her. You already know you will be miserable staying and you know she will keep cheating on you. These are hard facts.

 

Let me give you some hard facts I know from my experience here and in real life. Most of it personal experience.

 

1. It is a huge life changing thing to divorce or split with someone you have guilt a life with there is no doubt but the man you have lost in this dysfunctional relationship is still within you and he can be reborn once you get out of this relationship.

2. Your children are way more affected by this than you think. Even if they do not consciously understand you are unhappy they are affected and actually form what they think a healthy relationship is supposed to be like by seeing you and their mother interact. Which would you rather they imprint on: A father that is happy or a father that is miserable, cheated on and treated like a doormat?

3. You will be so much more than just okay once you are 9 to 12 months out from the split. The burden you carry on your shoulders right now is crushing you even if you don't realize it. Once the dread of facing her everyday and wondering who she will be at any given moment is gone you will feel better emotionally and physically.

4. You have a right to a happy life too. She has made it pretty clear what she wants and goes out and does what she wants to the detriment of your feelings or the family. It may not be your nature but you need to be a little selfish and do things to build a happy life for yourself and the first step is ending things with her.

 

I was dealt a pretty big crap sandwich and thought my world was ruined but I listened to others here, worked hard on accepting things as they really are (not the way I wanted them to be) and focused on the things I had control over and I am now happier than I ever was with my ex. In time like me you may look back and think she did you a huge favor by pushing it so far you had to end it.

 

Take good care of yourself so you can be the best single dad you can be and ALWAYS try your best, even if your best isn't all that great that day at least you tried.

 

Keep posting, it helps...

 

Lost

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You know I have been around here a pretty long time and have seen so many men and women in your shoes. From where you are sitting there is a lot of unknowns if you split with her. You already know you will be miserable staying and you know she will keep cheating on you. These are hard facts.

 

Let me give you some hard facts I know from my experience here and in real life. Most of it personal experience.

 

1. It is a huge life changing thing to divorce or split with someone you have guilt a life with there is no doubt but the man you have lost in this dysfunctional relationship is still within you and he can be reborn once you get out of this relationship.

2. Your children are way more affected by this than you think. Even if they do not consciously understand you are unhappy they are affected and actually form what they think a healthy relationship is supposed to be like by seeing you and their mother interact. Which would you rather they imprint on: A father that is happy or a father that is miserable, cheated on and treated like a doormat?

3. You will be so much more than just okay once you are 9 to 12 months out from the split. The burden you carry on your shoulders right now is crushing you even if you don't realize it. Once the dread of facing her everyday and wondering who she will be at any given moment is gone you will feel better emotionally and physically.

4. You have a right to a happy life too. She has made it pretty clear what she wants and goes out and does what she wants to the detriment of your feelings or the family. It may not be your nature but you need to be a little selfish and do things to build a happy life for yourself and the first step is ending things with her.

 

I was dealt a pretty big crap sandwich and thought my world was ruined but I listened to others here, worked hard on accepting things as they really are (not the way I wanted them to be) and focused on the things I had control over and I am now happier than I ever was with my ex. In time like me you may look back and think she did you a huge favor by pushing it so far you had to end it.

 

Take good care of yourself so you can be the best single dad you can be and ALWAYS try your best, even if your best isn't all that great that day at least you tried.

 

Keep posting, it helps...

 

Lost

 

Thanks mate, you’re a legend.

I agree with all of your points, my head would be in the sand otherwise.

I have not been the best partner, I was deemed by her as unsupportive when she had post natal depression, as at the time I was very against depression/anxiety drugs, thinking it’d impact the kids via breastmilk. In hindsight I would have approached things differently, I still have the same ideas but when people aren’t coping for whatever stupid reason, you just have to let them do their thing and be supportive. I was very against seeking help for mental health issues, I feel horrible about it, I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why on earth she was so depressed, our life couldn’t have been better on paper. I apologised a lot over this. Ironically now I am the one feeling pretty f-ed in the head seeing a psyche regularly. I’ll still avoid medication, and don’t understand it, but do not begrudge those who choose to go down that path. My only prescription at the moment is beers ;)

Anyhow, she blamed this, and our difunctional relationship for her cheating. She resents me etc. I see it from her perspective but still believe it is not justification based on monogamy ideals.

Anyhow, it turned out she had messed around even in the honeymoon period, first year of dating. Here I was saying I love you, meanwhile she was trying very hard to tee up something with her last flame, keen to screw him and run away together in a nutshell. I found the messages recently. There’s tinder and all that other bull over the years too that I found.

I could forgive past stuff ups for the sake of the kids and to fulfil my own ideals, a traditional family. But, the thing is we just don’t gel, pretty well since we had kids. She also wants to have an open relationship as she is interested in women. I’ve fobbed this all off for ages, often when we have a bad argument she’s had enough etc. I’d be like, you are just cranky, blah blah. I finally cracked it and said fine, me too, you are right, we are a rubbish couple.

She’s changed her tune a bit since, but it’s now like we are in limbo. If I was super keen to stay, we’d continue as a couple I think. If I wanted to leave, end of it. I don’t care what happens, I’ve always been happy in an unhappy relationship. If she leaves I will be fine.

I don’t want to push her though, as I could imagine a happy relationship as a family. I can fob the cheating.

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Salty,

I am hardly a legend...

 

You talk like you are okay with being unhappy with the hope that she will one day snap out of this and decide to dedicate herself to only you and the family. I wish I could tell you that glimmer of hope inside you is well founded but I cannot. She didn't get drunk and kiss a coworker or flirt with some guy at the store. From the very start of your relationship she has put her wants way above your feelings and she will continue to do that to anyone she is with, even your children to some extent.

 

 

Right now you know what you have and as crappy as it is you are used to it and possibly comfortable. Breaking up is a whole lot of unknowns and it means you will be alone as well. These things do not look all that attractive because you simply don't know what will become of you and your future. Many of us have been where you are but like I said I can guarantee you that you will be fine and the children will be fine.

 

So as far as her blaming you for her cheating goes. Cheaters almost never take the blame for what they have done. They lie and lie some more and when they are caught red handed they make excuses and when those don't work they shift the blame to the victim. Enter Salty stage left... When I caught my wife and she was done trying to lie her way out of it she began digging up anything she could from 20 years together to make what she was doing less of a thing. Like if the time I made a bad joke at her company party and embarrassed her gave her permission to have sex with some loser 18 years later. Suddenly I was controlling, verbally abusive, didn't think she was smart, never supported her goals and on and on it went. She actually had me doubting myself for a minute until a very good friend threatened to kick my butt for listening to her make stuff up to cover her cheating. Was I the best husband? No I wasn't but I was none of the things she tried to make me out as.

 

People make mistakes in relationships all the time just like you did. It is NEVER a reason or excuse to cheat and lie. She betrayed you and your family and it is that simple. She is a cheater and cheaters are the most selfish people you will ever encounter in your life. You will not fix her, you will not out wait her selfishness, you will not love it out of her and you will never be the prefect husband so she will not be selfish and cheat on you. How do I know all this to be 100% true? Because it is not about you, it is all about who she is deep down and who she probably had been long before you met her.

 

You know when you run out of options and there is only one thing left you can do the decision is pretty simple. It is time to save yourself and the rest of your life. I hate divorce and I hate when I hear families breaking up and I don't give this advice in a cavalier way but it is time to end this. You say you are both financially well taken care of and it will be amicable so what is holding you back from ending it? I know you still love her but she does not love you no matter what she says, her actions all these years have shown that. She may not even know what true love is or may not even be capable.

 

So tell us why you have stayed or why you will not end it? Don't say "for the sake of the children" because that will not fly around here.

 

Be brutally honest with your answers, you are safe here.

 

Lost

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Salty,

I am hardly a legend...

 

You talk like you are okay with being unhappy with the hope that she will one day snap out of this and decide to dedicate herself to only you and the family. I wish I could tell you that glimmer of hope inside you is well founded but I cannot. She didn't get drunk and kiss a coworker or flirt with some guy at the store. From the very start of your relationship she has put her wants way above your feelings and she will continue to do that to anyone she is with, even your children to some extent.

 

 

Right now you know what you have and as crappy as it is you are used to it and possibly comfortable. Breaking up is a whole lot of unknowns and it means you will be alone as well. These things do not look all that attractive because you simply don't know what will become of you and your future. Many of us have been where you are but like I said I can guarantee you that you will be fine and the children will be fine.

 

So as far as her blaming you for her cheating goes. Cheaters almost never take the blame for what they have done. They lie and lie some more and when they are caught red handed they make excuses and when those don't work they shift the blame to the victim. Enter Salty stage left... When I caught my wife and she was done trying to lie her way out of it she began digging up anything she could from 20 years together to make what she was doing less of a thing. Like if the time I made a bad joke at her company party and embarrassed her gave her permission to have sex with some loser 18 years later. Suddenly I was controlling, verbally abusive, didn't think she was smart, never supported her goals and on and on it went. She actually had me doubting myself for a minute until a very good friend threatened to kick my butt for listening to her make stuff up to cover her cheating. Was I the best husband? No I wasn't but I was none of the things she tried to make me out as.

 

People make mistakes in relationships all the time just like you did. It is NEVER a reason or excuse to cheat and lie. She betrayed you and your family and it is that simple. She is a cheater and cheaters are the most selfish people you will ever encounter in your life. You will not fix her, you will not out wait her selfishness, you will not love it out of her and you will never be the prefect husband so she will not be selfish and cheat on you. How do I know all this to be 100% true? Because it is not about you, it is all about who she is deep down and who she probably had been long before you met her.

 

You know when you run out of options and there is only one thing left you can do the decision is pretty simple. It is time to save yourself and the rest of your life. I hate divorce and I hate when I hear families breaking up and I don't give this advice in a cavalier way but it is time to end this. You say you are both financially well taken care of and it will be amicable so what is holding you back from ending it? I know you still love her but she does not love you no matter what she says, her actions all these years have shown that. She may not even know what true love is or may not even be capable.

 

So tell us why you have stayed or why you will not end it? Don't say "for the sake of the children" because that will not fly around here.

 

Be brutally honest with your answers, you are safe here.

 

Lost

 

Hey Lost,

 

I guess I stayed because when I discovered what was going on about 2 years ago, I blamed myself. She had told me how unhappy she was etc, for some time, wanted to go to counselling, I refused and said we'd be better off going out for dinner etc, fobbed it all off and just made efforts to improve, that were short lived. I felt I owed it to the family to try and make it work, given I was part the reason behind it. I tried to see things from her perspective, if I resented my Mrs, and was away working in another state, had a few drinks, and a glamour was hitting on me, I can understand why the first night would happen. The thing I couldn't hack, that was beyond what I believe was the first night, she was pursuing the affair, horrid to read, very two faced what was being said to me. Here I was encouraging her to work away (she said it was great for her career), meanwhile she's just shagging and staying with someone on the side. The more I dug the more I found in the end, I honestly thought there was no way she would have been doing the dirty, blew my mind.

Things were looking ok for a while after that, I was happy, but then the whole lesbian urges came around again and I was like bugger this. I'm not at all down with the open relationship, not with someone I saw as a partner to attempt to raise a family with. Get that out of the way before kids, had no idea she was into this before we had kids.

Now, I think we're in a pretty good place, we both want to seperate, but are just trying to do so in a rational manner. We get on well enough for the time being. It's a case of biding our time to find her / myself another place to live, I'm apprehensive to buy anything at the moment I think the property market is about to take a decent hit. We may look at rentals, but are stuck together for the mean time. Covid-19 has came at quite an inconvenient time! It's going to be really hard breaking the news to the kids, but I think it will be for the best. I'm sure it will also be uncomfortable / sad seeing her with someone else.

In hindsight I don't know what I would have done differently. We rushed into kids, both took a known risk once, pregnant after about 12 months together. At the time it seemed all good. It's really hard to judge someone's character, I never would have envisaged this 12 months into our relationship.

Oh well, when life serves you lemons, make lemonade. I'm excited to enjoy single dad life, at some point in the future. Cheers.

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Lost was dropping some truth bombs! Dang.

 

Salty, you’re articulate and self-aware. You seem like a secure, intelligent man. For what it’s worth I hope you join this ENA community to receive and give support.

 

You’ve got some big choices in front of you, in the midst of pandemic. It’s gonna get painful at times no matter what choices you make but I wish you strength and an undercurrent of faith and peace as this whole thing unfolds.

 

Chest wishes!

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Salty,

 

If you are on the same page then the term you both should be using is breakup, not separate. I see a lot of people dance around the words because once you say them out loud they become very real. Say the words it will be okay.

 

There is a lot you can do to prepare to breakup and live separately right now. It is surprising how entwined our lives become and it take some effort to get them cut apart. Here are a few things you two should discuss when the kids are in bed asleep.

 

- Custody arrangements. Just a general talk on work schedules, weekends, holidays and summer vacations. This will get the ball rolling on figuring this stuff out.

- Do you have the same phone carrier?

- Credit cards in both your names?

- Gym memberships together?

- Share a car?

- Bought furniture together?

- Health insurance for the kids

 

As you can see there are a few things you can al least start talking about now so you can be ahead of the game when the time comes. It will reduce the stress level and the amount of changes will be spread out over a longer peroid.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

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