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Thread: "Separated" but living together

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2020

    "Separated" but living together

    OK, so this is quite raw for me, but here goes.

    I have known my wife for 15 years, we have been together for 10 and married for 5. We have two children, my stepson is eleven and our daughter is seven. We have had our difficulties over the years, mostly due to intense stress in both our work lives and with our parents. My parents both died relatively recently. My wife's parents have always had a really really bad relationship with lots of control, shouting, absence and possibly cheating. The rest of her family - especially her brother - are no better. It was a fairly abusive upbringing for her.

    My wife stated to act oddly earlier this year. The phone was locked and never out of her grasp. She started to go away for weekends - long 5 or 6 day weekends- totally out of character and both I and the kids were really upset. I have recently discovered she is seeing someone. I pretty much know everything including a shared diary detailing when they are away.

    My wife flatly denies everything. According to her she is with work friends. That's what she tells the kids as well. She has told me we should separate- but then she says we shouldn't. Her latest is that we stay together in the house for the next 20 years. Says we are not a couple at the moment, but she doesn't know what the future will bring. We are even going on a two week holiday in the summer as a family. A holiday I was originally told I couldn't come on. It's like she is living two totally separate lives and can flick a switch between the two.

    She recently told me she doesn't want to live with anyone else, doesn't want to create a new family, and doesn't do casual sex (in a response to a fairly upset question from me).

    She has a history of going off the rails somewhat, but never admits to that. She has said there needs to be more to life than just the kids and work, and just wants to feel good about herself. I feel deceived, devastated and just don't know what to do. I need to be strong because of the kids but its killing me.

    I don't see how she can realistically run two lives- but in her head she appears to be doing it. It's almost as though they a parallel and never meet. It's only when it gets close to her going away and the two lives start to get a bit closer that there is friction. I know quite a lot about the man she is seeing. He is a single dad with 2 kids. I cant see how he can be happy if hes interested in her with this arrangement- sees her maybe every three weeks, still lives with her husband.

    I just don't know what to do. Divorce her, hold fast and see what happens or what.

    It's just killing me. It's as though the person I've known for 15 years has had a total personality transplant or is going through a fairly major mid-life crisis. She's been my best friend as well as my wife and lover and I want to support her, but .......

    I think it's starting to come to a head now. She told me on Friday that she wanted to spend sometime with friends - leaving today (Sunday) and coming back on Wednesday. She hadn't told the kids and when she told our youngest there were mass tears - seems like the plan may be to come back earlier - the worlds are colliding and I don't think she has control of them.

    I also found a note (torn up) in her bag (I know, I know!!!) from (I presume) the bloke saying "I love you" - arrgh - made me feel sick.


  2. #2
    Hello this is my first post. I'd like to start off by saying I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be very painful to watch someone you love behave this way towards not only you but your children, too.
    I'm not sure where you live or what assets you share with your wife but I would seriously consider advising with a lawyer. By doing so, it doesn't mean you're divorcing but at the very least it will help you assess all of your options. Depending on your province or state there will be different laws that might affect what the outcome of your situation is should the two of you separate. I've heard some jurisdictions consider sleeping together as a form of reconciliation if it occurs after the fact that you became aware of the affair, and that could be less favorable for you should things end up in court.
    Your responsibility now is to yourself and your children. I can imagine how they feel because growing up I was a child to parents in a similar situation. The only difference is that my dad wasn't lied to about the fact that my mom had a boyfriend. But even though my dad knew I'm sure it didn't make it any less painful to watch his wife date; he drank a lot. I know it was distressing for me for have her take off for an entire weekend away with him every week for years. Staying home with home a drunken dad is no fun for a child. Continue to be a good role model to yours.
    Please take care especially in these times of pandemic.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Here's the hard truth as I see it: Your wife is an extremely selfish person, who is choosing her own selfish desires to "feel good" against the best interests of her marriage and family. You have caught your wife lying, deceiving, and living two lives simultaneously: one as a pseudo-single gal going out on trips and having a boyfriend, the other as a married wife and mother. Moreover, she has given zero indication of any remorse, and even less indication that she intends to end this dual existence anytime soon.

    So, what to do? Well, if it's clear that your wife will simply continue on as she has (and there is every reason to conclude that this is indeed what will happen) you have the following choices:

    1. Accept that your wife is a selfish person who leads a double-life
    2. Accept that your wife's selfish behavior is a deal-breaker for you; seek out a divorce attorney, file for divorce, end the marriage and do everything possible to take the kids with you

    If you decide to divorce, I strongly advise doing all that is necessary to get full custody of your children. Your wife seems very unstable and this is NOT a good environment for your kids (especially if she insists on taking off on excursions for days at a time). Children need stability and responsible guardians in their lives. If it's true that your wife has the attitude "there's more to life than just kids", well, as a parent, her kids should be her #1 priority, not going off and leaving them behind on a whim.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    You said you want to support her.

    What does that mean? support her having an affair?

    Are you guys still havung sex and living as a family, when she feels like it?

    This is really bad for your own psyche. You should consult an attorney and put your foit down.

    Why would you put up with this?


  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    She has said there needs to be more to life than just the kids and work, and just wants to feel good about herself. I feel deceived, devastated and just don't know what to do. I need to be strong because of the kids but its killing me.

    She is 100% right that life has to be more than kids and work and she should feel good about herself. That should be true for everyone? How do you achieve that? Some people find that volunteering for a cause dear to their heart, especially if they are helping others like pets, the elderly, foster kids, etc. Sometimes its about a little pampering - putting more into personal grooming lie getting your hair cut regularly that you did before kids and now you are relegated to whatever your hair looks like without being cut for six months because you have no time to go, to feel like you have a purpose or are accomplishing something/leaving your mark -- if she put aside painting, writing or running - getting back to that -- like blogging when the kids are in bed or going to a painting class while you watch the kids.

    If she is having an affair - she is a little off the rails.

    I would consider counseling, making sure you are taking care of the kids and not just all her and do you have "date nights" -- i mean, you can still go for a hike or have a nice dinner at home while the kids are asleep during the stay at home orders.

    I do think that you should make it clear that if she wants to be a family with you then she needs to stop communicating with other men. She cannot have it both ways. And stand firm on that. "If you are talking and sleeping with other men, then that's your choice, but as long as that continues, you are sleeping on the sofa in this house. " Period. Don't beg, cry, or yell. Be eerily calm. If it embarrasses her enough for the kids to question why she is sleeping on the sofa, well then too bad. Do not take the sofa, because she can use the bedroom to close the door, talk to him and possibly sext in your bed.

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