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Thread: Husband ALWAYS negative and angry...

  1. #1

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    Husband ALWAYS negative and angry...

    Okay so this is new to me but getting desperate for anyone's advice... especially if you have been in a similar situation.

    My husband and I have been together for about 15 yrs and we have two young children.
    In the past 3-4 yrs my husband has almost become a completely different person. He is constantly angry, very small silly things will send him into a rage of yelling cursing sometimes resulting in breaking things( he has never put his hand on myself or my children). Although it has never gotten physical towards anyone I still find it very frightening and I usually jump up and run around trying to fix the problem. I feel like I am walking on egg shells 24/7 just waiting for another outburst. He is also very negative. It seems like no matter what we are talking about he finds the negative side of everything. It has become very draining to never have a positive conversation with him, I am at the point as soon as he starts talking I just stop listening because I just don't have it in me anymore. He is also very negative towards me , i can't seem to do anything right anymore literally nothing ! I have been called stupid many times and told to shut the **** up! Amongst many other things. I have tried talking to friends and family about it but he doesn't act like this in front of anyone else, they all see the nice kind person I fell in love with.
    I don't know what to do next I have tried many times to talk to him about it, he has went to counseling but nothing changed. I dont want to rip my family apart but everyday I feel smaller and smaller.

    Thanks for taking time to read, hopefully someone can relate.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Think of all the damage that's being done to your children.

    Children are not clueless oblivious beings. They can see and hear and feel the same way you can.

    Do you want your children to grow up fearful and anxious?

    If not, tell your husband you need him to get back into counseling. Not just one or two sessions, but a full commitment. If he refuses, let him know you will be looking into divorce because you want to be a good mother and protect your children from his rages.

  3. #3
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    What has changed in his life -his job? Any medications he is on? What's his caffeine intake like? Is he sleeping ok? Have your kids been particularly challenging? What do you talk with him about? Do you two have a shared sense of humor? None of this justifies his overreactions/how he is treating you -just think more info could help.

  4. #4

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    He was in a car accident before the changes, He was put on medications but no longer takes them. The first couple years after the accident I took over basically all responsibilities to give him a chance to heal but as time went on and he started to change I stopped doing it, because i started to feel like i did this to myself by basically spoiling him(if that makes sense). My kids are both well behaved and I deal with most of the parenting at this point. I dont really talk to him much anymore because he just makes everything negative no matter how what it is things I didnt even know could be negative.
    I know the easy answer would be just leave and I have put alot of thought into that option but I do care alot for him or atleast the person he once was and just want that back. Besides his anger he is an amazing father

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  6. #5
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    Was he brain damaged? Could he have been and it is undiagnosed? Or is he in chronic pain? He needs to see a doctor and you need to go and tell the doctor what is going on. He may be angry that he went through something traumatic and needs help to cope. He may be physically ill. He may just be mean. But the fact that he only acts this way at home means he does have some control over his behavior and feels it is fine to treat you and the children this way.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you dependent on him financially? Is he abusing substances? Is he working or on disability? This is willful and deliberate abuse and it has been there all along. He turns it on/off like a switch as most abusers do. Educate yourself for the sake of your kids. Don't be one of those women who stay with an abuser at the expense of your kids.

    Why stand by passively and and allow this to happen in the household with your kids? You need to get yourself to a doctor and a therapist privately and confidentially (joint therapy is NEVER advised in ABUSIVE situations) and start changing things for yourself and your kids. Stop talking at him. Stop trying to fix him. Stop "spoiling" him. Start being a good mother and start doing something proactive. "Amazing fathers" do not emotionally and verbally abusive their kids mother. He is a grown man. You are not his doctor, therapist, mother.
    Originally Posted by Meg888
    He was in a car accident before the changes, He was put on medications but no longer takes them.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Yes, I went through something very similar in my first marriage. In my husband's case, he suffered from depression, and this could be the same for your husband. Basically, I sat down with my husband when we were not arguing, so that he knew I was serious and not speaking from momentary anger. The children were not home. I told him that half of my life was over and I didn't want to live the rest of my life like this, so I wanted a divorce. He actually agreed to get psychiatric care and got on meds, and was wonderful for the next two years. I was happy until he said he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime, and begged him not to go off them. He did and became even worse. After a time, I was at the point that all of my love for him had been killed and it wouldn't have mattered if he went back on meds. When a woman is done, she's done. Now I'm married to my second husband, and my life is much calmer and happier.

    I suggest a similar approach for you. If he's not willing to help himself by getting on meds and receiving whatever behavioral therapy he needs, then for the good of your children and you, it's time to get a divorce. Mourning the past isn't changing your present, so don't let your love for him cloud the reality that he's not going to change for the better without professional help. If he's on any of your bank accounts or credit cards, remove him. I don't know who is better off with benefits at work, but after 10 years of marriage, in many states, the ex is entitled to half of the retirement savings at the point of divorce, and is entitled to half of the pension upon the person's retirement. Exes are even entitled to their former spouse's higher social security payout without it affecting the former spouse. Get divorce lawyer referrals from friends who might have used a good one. Good luck and keep us updated.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Yes, I went through something very similar in my first marriage. In my husband's case, he suffered from depression, and this could be the same for your husband. Basically, I sat down with my husband when we were not arguing, so that he knew I was serious and not speaking from momentary anger. The children were not home. I told him that half of my life was over and I didn't want to live the rest of my life like this, so I wanted a divorce. He actually agreed to get psychiatric care and got on meds, and was wonderful for the next two years. I was happy until he said he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime, and begged him not to go off them. He did and became even worse. After a time, I was at the point that all of my love for him had been killed and it wouldn't have mattered if he went back on meds. When a woman is done, she's done. Now I'm married to my second husband, and my life is much calmer and happier.

    I suggest a similar approach for you. If he's not willing to help himself by getting on meds and receiving whatever behavioral therapy he needs, then for the good of your children and you, it's time to get a divorce. Mourning the past isn't changing your present, so don't let your love for him cloud the reality that he's not going to change for the better without professional help. If he's on any of your bank accounts or credit cards, remove him. I don't know who is better off with benefits at work, but after 10 years of marriage, in many states, the ex is entitled to half of the retirement savings at the point of divorce, and is entitled to half of the pension upon the person's retirement. Exes are even entitled to their former spouse's higher social security payout without it affecting the former spouse. Get divorce lawyer referrals from friends who might have used a good one. Good luck and keep us updated.
    I went thru a similar scenario... Everytime there was an epolisode: the anger and the egg shells, I lost a little more love for him, until it was gone.

    Its 10 years later and I don't regret ending it. I regret (strong word, maybe not regret) but I wish I would have sooner. Not because of wasted time or anything like that... but frankly, I didn't deserve it.

  10. #9
    Silver Member dion333's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Sounds awful and painful.

    He is abusing you. This is wrong. Simple. He sounds like he may have male depression or could have some BPD traits. I am not sure, he needs to see his GP or a mental health professional. Bottom line is-this is abuse. Ring an abuse hotline or Samaritans to vent with the latter and for advice from the former. Your kids and yourself should be priority. Act now and research some advice and support before it gets worse.

  11. #10
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    May I ask, has your husband received any diagnosis after the car accident? Any mental health conditions or Acquired Brain Injury? The reason why I ask is because it does seem a little unusual that out of the blue your husband would almost become a different person.

    I'm a disability support worker and I've worked with people with acquired brain injury a number of times. The person was normal and their usual self, but after the brain damage certain parts of their brain seemed dead that are meant to control emotion and logical thinking. I worked with one woman who was just an average person, with a job and a child. She had diabetes and she went into a diabetic coma. She got brain damage through lack of oxygen. After that she began to act very erratic. She had very poor memory, severe anger outbursts for no reason and she would yell and scream at people. Me included.

    I don't want to diagnose because I'm not even a doctor. But has your husband undergone extensive tests after the car accident?

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