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Thread: Gamer boyfriend spending time on games more than with me

  1. #1

    Gamer boyfriend spending time on games more than with me

    29W in a relationship with a 27M for about a year a half now. We have such a solid relationship: very open communication, acceptance of one another, etc. Video games have always been a source of difficulty in our relationship, or rather the amount of time he spends on them. For weekday nights, he generally spends 3-4 hours playing with his friends. He does stop at 9:30 generally to have time with me before bed (about an hour), but the ratio of game time to our relationship time is a struggle for me. It's generally worse on the weekends. He will generally play 6-7 hours on Fridays, and 8-10 hours on Saturdays and Sundays if we don't plan on any activities together.

    I know this is is his way to destress, and work has been very difficult for him lately. I honestly don't want to be one of those girlfriends who is needy and not understanding. Am I being unreasonable in wanting more time with him? Or really, wanting him to want more time with me rather than games? Whenever I talk to him about this, he usually gets defensive and claims that I don't want him to spend time with his friends. He says he's an introvert and needs time to recharge in order to give energy back to me. I want all those things for him as well, but it's the extent in which he says he needs gaming that I question. I don't know if his view on his own needs is actually accurate.

    In addition to this, video games are his only primary interest, which often makes connecting with him difficult. I hear him playing with his friends, and can, to my embarrassment, get jealous of the comradery and fun he has with them that I don't often get to have with him (I'm not a gamer, so I'm more frustrated when I play then engaged). I've asked him if he might have interest in other hobbies outside of gaming so that I can connect with him more, and he has yet to pursue any. I'm a pretty independent person, and am fine at times with the alone time I get in my relationship, but I find myself feeling more and more that something is off and that there might be more that I could have in a relationship instead of feeling like I'm in a relationship with someone who's in a relationship with gaming. I want to be understanding, but without him having a friend group I can do activities with or hobbies that I can connect with him on, it's making our relationship increasingly difficult. He in turn often does now have much interest in my own hobbies (he doesn't enjoy the TV shows I like to watch or books I like to read or podcasts and puzzles I like to do), though he periodically tries.

    Am I being unfair towards him and expecting too much? Or could he possibly be addicted to gaming? His work performance is not suffering, but we also haven't had sex in a few weeks. I am open to all advice! Please help. I want to make things work, but I'm not sure how.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You two are incompatible.

    He will not stop his gaming. Why should he? You knew what he was like from the beginning and chose to enter into a relationship with him anyway. Or did you expect him to "change"? Did you tell yourself that if he really loved you he would want to cut back on his gaming?

    If he has to change to be right for you, he's wrong for you.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You two are incompatible.

    He will not stop his gaming. Why should he? You knew what he was like from the beginning and chose to enter into a relationship with him anyway. Or did you expect him to "change"? Did you tell yourself that if he really loved you he would want to cut back on his gaming?

    If he has to change to be right for you, he's wrong for you.
    I agree with this. His lifestyle would never work for me in any way and he never hid this from you . Take it or leave it. It is unfair of you to ask him to change. I'm sorry that you two aren't a good match!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Iíll lay it out for you:

    We have such a solid relationship: very open communication, acceptance of one another
    ...
    Whenever I talk to him about this, he usually gets defensive and claims that I don't want him to spend time with his friends.
    You contradict yourself here. You both do not have great communication as you think you do. No comprise here... just attacking and getting defensive.

    I honestly don't want to be one of those girlfriends who is needy and not understanding. Am I being unreasonable in wanting more time with him? Or really, wanting him to want more time with me rather than games?
    And if you both have very open communication, then you shouldnít be experiencing these doubts either. FFT

    He will generally play 6-7 hours on Fridays, and 8-10 hours on Saturdays and Sundays
    Iím a gamer too, but what grown-a$$ 27 year old does this? Thatís a serious gaming addiction.

    (I'm not a gamer, so I'm more frustrated when I play then engaged).
    And there we have it. Unless you are a gamer as well, this relationship has hit a dead end.

    You both arenít compatible.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Basically you are mothering a giant child. You can choose to continue to babysit this man or through therapy and insight understand why you settle for someone you have no connection to and are incompatible with.
    Originally Posted by littlemerm
    29W in a relationship with a 27M

  7. #6
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    I would not continue dating him. He spends a ludicrous amount of time on games and does not have an interest the type of relationship you would like.

    This would be a deal-breaker for me, OP. Sorry.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    There is such a thing as gaming addiction and by the sounds of it, your boyfriend is the definition of it.

    People should have an equal balance with all things. It's a shame he doesn't have activities in his life such as exercising,(like going for long walks or hiking), reading either current news, books etc. Volunteering, doing something actually productive.

    It does sound quite unhealthy.

    However, it's not your call to make. It's his. Dating him doesn't mean he all of a sudden is going to change into the man you wished he was.
    He is not someone you are compatible with.

    You will continue being hurt, disappointed, resentful and lonely if you stay with this man.
    It's time to part ways so you can find someone who is more like you.

  9. #8
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    This does sound like an actual addiction. An addiction means that whatever the thing is, it's completely taking over that person's life and they don't have control over stopping it. Sometimes even things that are normal can become an addiction. I once knew this guy who was really addicted to masturbating! He just kept doing it compulsively any chance he got and he couldn't stop. So while gaming in and of itself is not wrong or a problem, but being addicted to gaming is.

    To be honest your relationship doesn't sound healthy to me. You actually basically have nothing in common. It's good to have your own life but for a relationship to work, you need to have at least a couple of things you both like and can do together. My ex was a big nerd and really into gaming. He had all those types of hobbies as well, like YouTube, sci-fi, computers, gaming. But he didn't do any of them constantly. We also did have things in common such as exactly the same sense of humour and loved watching the same comedy movies and shows.

    The point of a relationship is to actually have time with that person. Which you don't really have. The thing is that it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is willing to do anything to change. He's not trying to take interest in any of your interests or do anything to compromise. But he's saying you need to just accept his excessive gaming and be fine with it. So the relationship is one sided where it's all about him. You know someone has a problem when they refuse to stop doing what they're doing and they're defensive about it. I know because my ex became a drug addict and this is exactly how he was behaving.

    Above all, I don't think that people actually change. If after 1.5 years this is how things are, then they're likely to be like that forever. People hardly ever change. And if they do it's because they actually wanted to change. Which it doesn't sound like your boyfriend does.

    Also sorry if I'm offending any gamers here, but I personally don't think that playing online games with total strangers constitutes "spending time with friends". He doesn't even know those people!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd leave him to it. I'd tell BF that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets all the play time he wants, and if he ever outgrows that and wants to pursue a relationship where he is voluntarily present with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

    It makes no sense to hover on the periphery of someone else's life hoping to be let in. I'd skip that and find someone who wants to be with me. Pressuring someone who would rather be elsewhere won't work.

    Head high.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you live together. Who is paying for things and taking care of things while he is in gaming? You need to move out. Stop picking up the slack. Stop mothering, pampering, etc.
    Originally Posted by littlemerm
    He does stop at 9:30 generally to have time with me before bed (about an hour) He will generally play 6-7 hours on Fridays, and 8-10 hours on Saturdays and Sundays

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