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Thread: Husband ALWAYS negative and angry...

  1. #11
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    If he was in a bad car accident he may have PTSD or a TBI or both. Sounds very similar to what I had.

    I became very irritable, short tempered and just not much fun to be around I guess.

    I'd be telling him things need to change and he needs to get an MRI done. If that shows brain is ok then I'd be telling him to get into therapy or he's going to lose it all.

    If there's nothing wrong with him whatsoever and he's jusy being a douche just because that's who he is then I'd a solutely put yourself and the kids first and get out of there. This also applies if he gets diagnosed and refuses to seek help.

  2. #12

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    You wonít be ripping your family apart. What you feel is what your kids feel. And trust me your kids rather see you happy in a home that isnít explosive. Leave asap, if he cared about you he wouldnt blow up like that. Sounds like a narcissist

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It doesn't matter what the underlying cause is for his violent behavior. If he knows how to behave and present a certain persona in front of other people and then rages behind closed doors, then no, he isn't some poor brain damaged guy. He is an abuser who knows exactly what he is doing.

    Please consult with an attorney, get some counseling for yourself with someone who is experienced in helping women leave abusive relationships and leave. The fear and walking on eggshells - your kids are living through the same hell. Don't do it to them. Leave and provide a safe home for them because what they area dealing with now is not it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I know someone who has a TBI. He does not act one way in public or in front of friends and another way to his wife and kids. That's not to say they are all the same, but the other person I know who suffered a TBI also was a jerk to everyone, not just his wife.

    I would conclude he knows he can get away with this behavior at home or he just enjoys being an abusive jerko to his family.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can't turn a traumatic brain injury on/off like a switch. However abusers generally do this routinely. His war is on you, not everyone else.

    That has nothing to do with car accidents or medications. Those things could possibly exacerbate things but people who have accidents or mental health issues are generally not turned into abusers. He seems to have very calculated control over this, as abusers always do. And you know that. You hope a pill will fix him, but it won't.

    What you can do is go to therapy for yourself to help you decide what to do and how to deal until you finally make up your mind and get the courage to leave.
    Originally Posted by Meg888
    I have tried talking to friends and family about it but he doesn't act like this in front of anyone else, they all see the nice kind person I fell in love with.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Yes, I went through something very similar in my first marriage. In my husband's case, he suffered from depression, and this could be the same for your husband. Basically, I sat down with my husband when we were not arguing, so that he knew I was serious and not speaking from momentary anger. The children were not home. I told him that half of my life was over and I didn't want to live the rest of my life like this, so I wanted a divorce. He actually agreed to get psychiatric care and got on meds, and was wonderful for the next two years. I was happy until he said he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime, and begged him not to go off them. He did and became even worse. After a time, I was at the point that all of my love for him had been killed and it wouldn't have mattered if he went back on meds. When a woman is done, she's done. Now I'm married to my second husband, and my life is much calmer and happier.

    I suggest a similar approach for you. If he's not willing to help himself by getting on meds and receiving whatever behavioral therapy he needs, then for the good of your children and you, it's time to get a divorce. Mourning the past isn't changing your present, so don't let your love for him cloud the reality that he's not going to change for the better without professional help. If he's on any of your bank accounts or credit cards, remove him. I don't know who is better off with benefits at work, but after 10 years of marriage, in many states, the ex is entitled to half of the retirement savings at the point of divorce, and is entitled to half of the pension upon the person's retirement. Exes are even entitled to their former spouse's higher social security payout without it affecting the former spouse. Get divorce lawyer referrals from friends who might have used a good one. Good luck and keep us updated.
    Responded to the wrong post. Great advice anyhow.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I know someone who has a TBI. He does not act one way in public or in front of friends and another way to his wife and kids. That's not to say they are all the same, but the other person I know who suffered a TBI also was a jerk to everyone, not just his wife.

    I would conclude he knows he can get away with this behavior at home or he just enjoys being an abusive jerko to his family.
    Yup! Totally agree with this. His abuse seems to be very selective. This is a terrible environment for the kids, and you. Time to get out, as this sounds horrible.

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