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Thread: Getting sick and tired of dealing with unnecessary people. Advise Needed.

  1. #1
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    Getting sick and tired of dealing with unnecessary people. Advise Needed.

    A while back ago I made a post. This is the post I made. And ever since that time I decided to take time for myself and really focus on me only. The old post I made the previous post well the whole scenario is over with as I kicked this idiot out of my life.

    The old post I made.

    [Register to see the link]

    Here is what's really bothering me and hopefully I can get the best advise on here. After my divorce in 2009 I did date on and off. But not to a point where any of them got to serious. Most of these dates I went on out of all them 100% of them were emotionally and mentally abusive.

    Either was sex related, being taken advantage of, being emotionally abused so much more. And this has been going on for the past 11 years of my life. And it's gotten to a point where I cant seem to see the good in people anymore. I just literally cant. Any man I've gotten involved for the past 11 years is nothing but drama, sex or being used. And I'm a very naive, vaurnable sensitive person that believes everything anyone tells me. that I cant seem to believe anything anymore with what ever people are telling me because I was hurt, embarrassed, dissapointed through out the years and it has tooken effect on how I view men these days.

    Im sorry Im just having such a hard time with relationships in general. Very much. Its like every abuse I went through in my life has made a big impact on how I view men in general. And still ongoing. And I'm sick of not knowing how to handle it anymore. I cant seem to see any goodness in anyone. No matter whether its months weeks or even years. I was lied too, humiliated, embarrassed, and so much more.

    I was engaged once to a guy that I've known for only 3 weeks saying that, you deserve the best, you deserve the world, I'm gonna make you happy, turns out he was a total nutcase with a narcissist personality. I'm like what ever happened to all the things you told me. Everything turned out to be a big lie and even got more stories from his family that he wasnt honest with me about alot of stuff. He broke off the engagement after I came back from seeing him and his family from another country. I've never got so angry like that in my entire life and I let him have it.

    Just recently this was 4-5 days ago some dude from Facebook added me as a friend. I didnt even know him just a random person. And started having Facebook conversations. He told me how his wife passed away 10 years ago during childbirth and days later his son passed away. So I tried to have some sort of sympathy. After a couple days of chit chatting with him he tells me he wants to get to know me better and is interested in getting to know me. He told me he is a spiritual person. Than he tells me I feel like I was married to you in past life. That scared me and freaked me out alot. And that only he knows his heart. Like hes known me forever. I'm like dude are you kidding me. This man is 52 years old with little information on his Facebook. No friends on there. With 2 to 3 pictures of himself He also told me that his wife was the only women he's been with and hasnt dated after her death.

    I told him look you dont know me we haven't even spoken over the phone, you've never met me in person you dont go telling someone that i feel like I was married to you in past life not unless you know that person. I told him I dont believe 1 word coming out of his mouth and told him I think it's best we stop communicating. He plainly blocked me.

    This is what I'm talking about I'm sick and tired of dealing with unnecessary people like this. It's too much. Too much headache, to much drama, sick and tired of people walking in and out of my life and being left abandoned. By so many people. After 11 years I just want some peace in my life and have none of this ridiculous situations going on anymore. Everytime I get involved its always something. Sometimes I think it's best just to keep away from dating overall. If I meant to die single so be it. I rather live a happier life than being miserable.

    What is wrong with me ? Does anyone think I need to go back to therapy to deal with this issue of relationship problem among other things going on in my personal life. I'm already dealing with financial issues, health issues. I literally just cannot deal anymore. I'd really appreciate any advice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. get to a physician for a complete evaluation and a therapist for ongoing support. Feeling like a chronic victim will only attract garbage people to your life. Much of this can be avoided by using screening techniques to rule out catfish, scammers etc. Why random dudes on FB for example?

    Some psycho-social improvements would help as well Take some classes and courses that are fun or further your career. Get your budget and finances in order. Join some clubs and groups. Improve your health, employ a better eating and activity routine. Volunteer. Be friendly and take your time making friends with real people in real life.

    Sharply reduce TV and social media. Reset all your social media setting to maximum privacy so catfish and scammers can't see your content. Get on some quality (paid) dating apps with a good profile and pics. Message and meet local real-live men in person in a timely fashion.
    Originally Posted by coolgirl
    I need to go back to therapy to deal with this issue of relationship problem among other things going on in my personal life. I'm already dealing with financial issues, health issues. I literally just cannot deal anymore. I'd really appreciate any advice.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Strangers don't just appear on FB, it's up to us to accept the request. So apply the same advice you'd give to a child--don't accept requests from strangers. By the same token, conversations don't just happen, it's up to us to participate.

    It's on us to use adult observations skills and screen people in or out of our lives. An unwillingness to do this is likely to land users and predators in your life, and these are the people who an observant person would screen out rather than engage.

    So the common denominator in all of the bad outcomes you have with people is you. This doesn't make it your 'fault' that some people can be jerks, but rather it means that your standards are very low--or they don't exist.

    I've found it helpful to keep my trust meter set on a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. When I meet people, I don't automatically trust them, I observe and learn whether they will EARN my trust over time, or whether they will behave in ways that reduce my trust. In those cases, I walk away. No drama, no excuses--just no thanks.

    The only way to build confidence in your own judgment is to use it. Characterizing yourself as too naive or too weak to apply basic screening skills when dealing with strangers is a relinquishment of your own safety and well being. Nobody else is going to do this FOR us. As adults, were responsible for teaching ourselves to use good judgment, and there will be some mistakes. We can either learn from those and grow stronger and more resilient, or we can damage ourselves with our experiences and dig ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    It's a decision.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Strangers don't just appear on FB, it's up to us to accept the request. So apply the same advice you'd give to a child--don't accept requests from strangers. By the same token, conversations don't just happen, it's up to us to participate.

    It's on us to use adult observations skills and screen people in or out of our lives. An unwillingness to do this is likely to land users and predators in your life, and these are the people who an observant person would screen out rather than engage.

    So the common denominator in all of the bad outcomes you have with people is you. This doesn't make it your 'fault' that some people can be jerks, but rather it means that your standards are very low--or they don't exist.

    I've found it helpful to keep my trust meter set on a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. When I meet people, I don't automatically trust them, I observe and learn whether they will EARN my trust over time, or whether they will behave in ways that reduce my trust. In those cases, I walk away. No drama, no excuses--just no thanks.

    The only way to build confidence in your own judgment is to use it. Characterizing yourself as too naive or too weak to apply basic screening skills when dealing with strangers is a relinquishment of your own safety and well being. Nobody else is going to do this FOR us. As adults, were responsible for teaching ourselves to use good judgment, and there will be some mistakes. We can either learn from those and grow stronger and more resilient, or we can damage ourselves with our experiences and dig ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    It's a decision.
    Great input. I wanted to vent a bit too. Here is what I am really tired of. I am in a number of parenting and work related facebook groups. I am a person who has a huge network and I love helping people who need a connection to another person -sometimes work-related, health-related, relocation-related, even personal/social. One example of wayyyy too many: a woman really needed a connection to a certain non profit because she would like to work there. No one could help but my former neighbor/acquaintance does work there. So I private messaged with the woman -nice woman, same field as me. She asked if I could please contact my former neighbor. We also linked in on Linkedin. (a couple of months ago I decided to stop connecting people from facebook-not friends/close friends- unless there was something in it for me to make the connection).

    So I email neighbor who says "sure!!" I make the connection -message the woman on FB and Linkedin That was early Feb. She hasn't read either of my messages. Yes she might be MIA, ill, whatever but...... really? Not even a "thanks?" Shame on me. I'm glad I reconnected with my former neighbor but my point is I now have much stricter boundaries to limit how much time I spend connecting/helping people because the ungrateful/entitled/MIA/flaky stuff -irritates me to no end. Again this is just one example of many.

    On the positive side I agree with Catfeeder - when you have healthier boundaries you'll feel more positive about "people" because it's so easy to focus on the negative. Kind of a cop out too.

    I wish you all the best. I'm sorry this happened.

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