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Thread: Two divorced people... where is this going?

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by zebra10
    The last time I did exactly this (and went out with a few others), he totally freaked out and that’s when all the serious talk really started. He wanted to solidify that we were exclusive, etc.
    Let him freak out - but change your locks first if he has a key. See what he is doing? He wants to make it so he doesn't have to commit but you won't leave either. He says whatever sweet nothings he needs to in order to keep you on the hook. "serious talk" doesn't matter. Its action that matters. So many people say 'well, he talked about babies on the second date" and stick with the wrong guy because of it. you need to throw him back in the ocean and in the meantime do not allow him near your kid. its too much to put on a child to get close to a noncomittal adult.

  2. #42
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    You are so worried about what he feels and such and "helping him through his issues" and are concerned for you own well being very little. Read up on codependency. its classic codependency if you feel you should "help him work through his issues" or you won't cut the cord "because he might miss you". You are creating a situation where you are the only one who can deliver him growth and healing in exchange for hopefully him wanting to commit - waiting around until. serious talk so soon should have made you run!

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by zebra10
    Sometimes I get so angry or upset that I just want to ghost him completely and make him see the consequences of not being ready to move on, ie what it would actually be like to miss me.
    Eh, if you feel you need to resort to this to get someone to value you - you're with the wrong person.

    The right man for you won't need you to ghost him in order for him to understand your importance in his life.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zebra10
    See I don’t know if it’s been a “failure.” Because he always talks about needing time to process such a long marriage ending, and not being ready for commitment right now. But as he points out, he clearly does want to continue seeing me regularly and talking to me daily. And he’s totally against the idea of me seeing anyone else despite me being “just a friend”... I just can’t figure out why.
    He is holding you hostage emotionally... fortunately since you have your physical freedom, you can cut bait and run far, far away from this man.

    How off putting that he thinks you should be the one to do all of the sacrificing in this relationship.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    He is holding you hostage emotionally... fortunately since you have your physical freedom, you can cut bait and run far, far away from this man.

    How off putting that he thinks you should be the one to do all of the sacrificing in this relationship.
    While I agree with these sentiments, I'm not a fan of ideas like the one I bolded. Just gives another human more power than they ever have, which I don't think is a great road to reclaiming power and clarity.

    After all, the only reasons he has said the things that OP finds confusing—like being uncomfortable with her dating other people—is because she chose to throw those ideas at him in hopes of getting some kind of reaction. Emotional hostage-taking, or an attempt, on both sides, in short.

    Going back to something I wrote on this thread early, I just think this is one of those moments where you have to accept that whatever was good here has run its course, and if real time and space are not taken you're just going to have a story of two people bringing out weaker and weaker sides of the other, causing more pain and confusion, feeling increasingly drained and cornered not by the other but by their own choices.

  7. #46
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    All right. So maybe the best conversation to have is that if he remains noncommittal with no end in sight to being in a relationship, then I understand but obviously need to be free to date others.

    Sigh, sounds so simple yet when I did this a few months ago, he just came back more strongly about us being exclusive and on the road to a relationship after we both Finalize divorce etc. And I understood his reason for not jumping all in right now, and actually felt it would’ve been more of a red flag if he were immediately ready after divorce filed for a marriage of over a decade.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you posting as zebra 10?

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by Gb83
    All right. So maybe the best conversation to have is that if he remains noncommittal with no end in sight to being in a relationship, then I understand but obviously need to be free to date others.

    Sigh, sounds so simple yet when I did this a few months ago, he just came back more strongly about us being exclusive and on the road to a relationship after we both Finalize divorce etc. And I understood his reason for not jumping all in right now, and actually felt it would’ve been more of a red flag if he were immediately ready after divorce filed for a marriage of over a decade.
    OP, this thread is probably going to be closed now; you can't have multiple accounts.

    It seems you should know that by now, as your other threads under Gb83 have been closed for the same reason.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you posting both as Gb83 and zebra 10?
    Originally Posted by Gb83
    Met a guy 6 months ago when we were both having problems in our marriages. My husband & I are now actively going through divorce, & I had a baby in the meantime. I don't want to be the girl giving an ultimatum, but I feel at some point this has to be defined.

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