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Two divorced people... where is this going?


zebra10

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We met when we were both unhappy in our marriages but our spouses hadn't yet filed for divorce. We were just friends for months, then things turned sexual/romantic, but I didn't think he was serious (i.e. no Talk about being exclusive, etc) so a few times I accepted dates with other men and didn't think much of it. Eventually I told him and he was extremely upset, saying we were dating exclusively, and he turned very serious in the way he talked about us and the future. He asked me on vacation with him to faraway countries twice, and I went.

 

Currently he says after a 12-year marriage (with kids), he feels he doesn't believe in love and won't trust anyone ever again - not that I'm not trustworthy, but it's his issue. He said he thought he'd be ready to move on, and if there was any 1 person in the world who'd made him want to do that, it was me -- but actually he's not ready for commitment, and he needs to deal with his issues after such a long marriage in his own time. He says he's scared I'm going to get tired of him and leave him like I left my husband. He brings up how I used to say I loved my husband in social media posts, but what did that mean now that I left him? Yet he continues to want to see me (and my child, actually) multiple times per week. Most recently he took my child & me to dinner but didn't even try anything physically with me.

 

When I say "you clearly just want to be friends, so I can obviously date who I want," he doesn't agree and says he's not telling me to find someone else, he isn't letting me go, etc. This is ridiculous.

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We met when we were both unhappy in our marriages but our spouses hadn't yet filed for divorce. We were just friends for months, then things turned sexual/romantic, but I didn't think he was serious (i.e. no Talk about being exclusive, etc) so a few times I accepted dates with other men and didn't think much of it. Eventually I told him and he was extremely upset, saying we were dating exclusively, and he turned very serious in the way he talked about us and the future. He asked me on vacation with him to faraway countries twice, and I went.

 

Currently he says after a 12-year marriage (with kids), he feels he doesn't believe in love and won't trust anyone ever again - not that I'm not trustworthy, but it's his issue. He said he thought he'd be ready to move on, and if there was any 1 person in the world who'd made him want to do that, it was me -- but actually he's not ready for commitment, and he needs to deal with his issues after such a long marriage in his own time. He says he's scared I'm going to get tired of him and leave him like I left my husband. He brings up how I used to say I loved my husband in social media posts, but what did that mean now that I left him? Yet he continues to want to see me (and my child, actually) multiple times per week. Most recently he took my child & me to dinner but didn't even try anything physically with me.

 

When I say "you clearly just want to be friends, so I can obviously date who I want," he doesn't agree and says he's not telling me to find someone else, he isn't letting me go, etc. This is ridiculous.

You said it. Its ridiculousness....

 

Couple thoughts I have on this....

 

1. He's telling you flat out he is emotionally unavailable

 

2. But in a very manipulative way, so that you won't leave him

 

3. He's blaming your past for his current feelings? (you loved your husband but left him) Wasnt that what he did, too?

 

4. you're short changing yourself.

 

5. He is not ready for a relationship.

 

6. For all the above, I would dump him. If you don't, I have a feeling he will "use" you while he heals, making you jump through these emotional ''but I'm scared" hoops and then dump you, when he feels stronger or meets someone else. And the real kick in the teeth will be when he says, "I told you I wasn't ready" or something similar

 

Do yourself a favor and don't fall for his crap. You deserve better.

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When I say "you clearly just want to be friends, so I can obviously date who I want," he doesn't agree and says he's not telling me to find someone else, he isn't letting me go, etc. This is ridiculous.

 

How long have you been friendly or dating?

 

Its not up to him to decide if you leave him or not. You need to leave him. you were both married/not free to date when you met and grabbed onto the same.

I would tell him "i am looking for a relationship and you are not, so its best we part ways."

 

And i the meantime, if you still insist on a push/pull with him, do not have your child spend time with him.

 

BTW, please spend time working through your own ex-marriage. go to personal counseling, find out who you are as a divorced woman. Reconnect with female friends.

 

Its fine if you are divorced to go out with men to have an activity partner, plus one, but take some time because your radar might be off and you may be finding men who do not want to really date truly.

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How long have you been friendly or dating?

 

Its not up to him to decide if you leave him or not. You need to leave him. you were both married/not free to date when you met and grabbed onto the same.

I would tell him "i am looking for a relationship and you are not, so its best we part ways."

 

And i the meantime, if you still insist on a push/pull with him, do not have your child spend time with him.

 

BTW, please spend time working through your own ex-marriage. go to personal counseling, find out who you are as a divorced woman. Reconnect with female friends.

 

Its fine if you are divorced to go out with men to have an activity partner, plus one, but take some time because your radar might be off and you may be finding men who do not want to really date truly.

 

It’s been a year. YES, I told him what you suggested “we are looking for different things” many times. He just responds that he may just need time to work through things in his own way.

 

I feel like I should only agree to see him if he understands that, because he only wants to be friends, I may be dating others. Why is that so difficult to understand?

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Do you really think a new man will continue dating you when he finds out you remain "friends" with a recent ex? And one who would not be supportive of your new love?

 

You took a risk and it didn't pan out. He has so many excuses of why you two shouldn't be together. I don't get why you want to keep him in your life. Concentrate on adjusting your child to a new way of life from a broken marriage without the distractions of romance right now. And don't introduce your child to any man until you know it's serious and will likely be longterm. Like abitbroken says, it'd be wise to learn to be happy solo for a time before trying to find a new companion so soon. Even if the divorce was your idea and a relief, you need a longer time to mourn, heal, and learn more about yourself as a single mother. It's no surprise your first relationship out of the divorce failed since you both made poor decisions about entering a new relationship without ending the one you were in first. Work on a fulfilling life without a man for now, because ironically, it will likely give you better success in finding a good one in the future.

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See I don’t know if it’s been a “failure.” Because he always talks about needing time to process such a long marriage ending, and not being ready for commitment right now. But as he points out, he clearly does want to continue seeing me regularly and talking to me daily. And he’s totally against the idea of me seeing anyone else despite me being “just a friend”... I just can’t figure out why.

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I think the generous way to view this is that you've both gotten the best out of each other for a certain phase of your lives—a phase that, it seems, has reached its expiration point, with whatever was once sweet turning more sour by the hour.

 

I can focus on him alongside you, pointing out how ridiculous he is—which, yeah, he is—but is it not equally ridiculous to engage and invest in ridiculousness? Ugh. There's the sting, no? Or at least something to think about.

 

If you'd like an answer to the question of why he's cool with seeing you daily as a "friend" but isn't cool with you seeing other people—well, that's just basic human selfishness, just as it's selfish to want someone who is feral in his emotional unavailability to become suddenly available for you if you dangle the prospect of others in front of his face at the right angle. That's a lose-lose, even if you were to get the win you're aiming for.

 

It's sad, frustrating, and painful, in other words, but it's not mysterious, this place he's in. I, for instance, would very much like to have a billion dollars without working because that would make my life quite nice, comfortable, and easy. And you know what? If someone were to provide me that billion—or, hey, even a few hundred grand—for not working I may never actually adjust my way of thinking.

 

This is what connection looks like when it's the weak points inside people that are the strongest magnets, very common in two people who are fresh out of a big fire with some of the burns still healing. In this case? Both of you are very used to companionship, probably quite scared of being fully on your own, so you're trying to figure out how to extract a version of companionship from the other than keeps that void at bay. Result? You each get something, though not what either of you really want, more like a shadow version, crumbs instead of the meal.

 

So I say thank him for this chapter in your life, in your head, and accept that it's just time to disengage for a bit rather than keep engaging in the passive aggressive stuff. There is a difference between genuinely wanting to date, and connect, and wanting to go on dates in order to elicit reactions from someone who doesn't want to date you in the way you'd like. I think that's all gotten a little foggy in your head, as happens, and as a result your heart is wheezing a bit. With some space you'll have clarity, in head and heart, and eventually you'll only be interested in the full meal, not the crumbs.

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Amazing advice- thank you!! Wow, yes, we are both getting something out of the other. What if I (after reading your post) realize that no, I don’t want to date others for any reason other than to make him react? Is there anything I can do to possibly give this a chance to work out? Just be patient as he is very newly out of a long marriage? Because he certainly does have the same ongoing Interest in seeing me regularly and communicating pretty much constantly

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Because he certainly does have the same ongoing Interest in seeing me regularly and communicating pretty much constantly

 

Yeah, but he does so with all of these manipulative caveats that excuse his lack of real commitment and puts full responsibility for the success of the relationship on you.

 

I have a feeling he will "use" you while he heals, making you jump through these emotional ''but I'm scared" hoops and then dump you, when he feels stronger or meets someone else. And the real kick in the teeth will be when he says, "I told you I wasn't ready" or something similar

 

Me too.

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And he’s totally against the idea of me seeing anyone else despite me being “just a friend”... I just can’t figure out why.

 

He wants to keep you around to help him ease his loneliness, and then likely discard you when he meets someone he does want to get serious with. You stand to get your heart trampled on here, girl.

 

Whatever you decide to do, stop bringing your child around him. It's not fair to the little one who doesn't understand the complicated friendship between you two. The risk of the child getting attached and then feeling abandoned if this man vanishes are far too high.

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When I say "you clearly just want to be friends, so I can obviously date who I want," he doesn't agree and says he's not telling me to find someone else, he isn't letting me go, etc. This is ridiculous.

 

It is ridiculous. So where is your voice in this?

You have a choice to make and your life depends on it. He's given reasons why he can't be in a relationship, why do you need his permission to move on?

 

Clearly his carefully crafted response, or lack there of was designed to mess with you. How selfish can you be to tell someone they don't have anything to offer you, but they wouldn't mind if you were always available to him anyway.

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How selfish can you be to tell someone they don't have anything to offer you, but they wouldn't mind if you were always available to him anyway.

If I didn’t feel ready to move on after my marriage of that length literally just started the divorce process, but I really really liked and cared for someone, this is how id feel about him dating others in meantime too.

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If I didn’t feel ready to move on after my marriage of that length literally just started the divorce process, but I really really liked and cared for someone, this is how id feel about him dating others in meantime too.

 

This makes zero sense to me.

 

If you really really liked someone, you would let go of a "marriage already in the divorce process" in a second.

 

If you cared for someone, but weren't ready, you'd let them go.

 

What you are doing is allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too.

 

And you know what happens when a person naturally gets tired of having cake and eating it, too?

 

They change tables.

 

You're going about this all wrong. He will never step up. He doesn't have to. He has you.

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This makes zero sense to me.

 

If you really really liked someone, you would let go of a "marriage already in the divorce process" in a second.

 

If you cared for someone, but weren't ready, you'd let them go.

 

What you are doing is allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too.

 

And you know what happens when a person naturally gets tired of having cake and eating it, too?

 

They change tables.

 

You're going about this all wrong. He will never step up. He doesn't have to. He has you.

 

By this logic, he isn’t stepping up because he already has what he wants, but it still is unclear what he’s “supposed to” do if he simply isn’t ready and hasn’t healed from a very new divorce. I don’t think cutting me out of his life would show more caring than what he is doing g

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By this logic, he isn’t stepping up because he already has what he wants, but it still is unclear what he’s “supposed to” do if he simply isn’t ready and hasn’t healed from a very new divorce. I don’t think cutting me out of his life would show more caring than what he is doing g

 

but he ended it, not you.

If you want to continue to be available to him at a reduced capacity, it's your prerogative.

But there is no incentive to reconcile.

 

In the meantime how will you feel when he does meet someone he feels ready to date?

 

If I told someone that I had nothing to offer them and they still hung around, readily available, I might lose respect for them.

 

You don't want to cut him out of you live because it appears uncaring?

Does he have your best interests equally in mind while he gives you a mixed message, but says he can't be with you in the way you deserve?

 

It's not cruel to take care of yourself. He's doing it. Not sure why you don't practice this as well.

 

Your best bet to ever get back together. . if it's in the cards - is to leave graciously on a high note.

Sticking around under murky unclear circumstances leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

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By this logic, he isn’t stepping up because he already has what he wants, but it still is unclear what he’s “supposed to” do if he simply isn’t ready and hasn’t healed from a very new divorce. I don’t think cutting me out of his life would show more caring than what he is doing g

 

This was hard for me to follow. so I broke it up a bit but couldnt quote it... I'm technology challenged [emoji4]

 

you said- but it still is unclear what he’s “supposed to” do if he simply isn’t ready and hasn’t healed from a very new divorce.

 

When you aren't healed from a past relationship, you stay single. You don't rope people into the mess of your emotions. You work on yourself. Rebuilding yourself, becoming the best version of yourself in your new situation

 

Then you said- I don’t think cutting me out of his life would show more caring than what he is doing

 

It absolutely would because he"s not willing to toy with your emotions, not knowing his own. It is immature and selfish to play with someone's feelings... running hot and cold.

 

This situation obviously is hurtful to you or you would not be posting about it. Why are your own feelings not as important as his?

 

Why are you allowed to wonder, question, feel confused? When you are a safe little cocoon for him?

 

If he is not ready to committ, that is no crime. To expect others to just be in limbo while he figures it out is wrong.

 

For you to have any other expectations of him is wrong on your part.

 

At this impasse, one of two things has to happen. 1. He doesn't commit and you don't commit

2. He commits and you commit

 

You're kidding yourself if you think any good can come out of anything else. Because your basically in a committed relationship to you, open relationship to him.

 

In what world would that make you happy?

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If I didn’t feel ready to move on after my marriage of that length literally just started the divorce process, but I really really liked and cared for someone, this is how id feel about him dating others in meantime too.

 

It's an honest moment to feel that way, but not remotely fair to ask that of someone. It's selfish.

 

`I don't want you,but I don't want anyone else to have you'

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I feel like he wants me around because he wants me around. Not being ready to commit after a long marriage literally is just ending now, doesn’t mean that I’m not the person he wants to be with in whatever (limited) capacity he currently has. My only question is whether seeing other people at this point makes sense or would just potentially ruin what we could have in future.

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I feel like he wants me around because he wants me around. Not being ready to commit after a long marriage literally is just ending now, doesn’t mean that I’m not the person he wants to be with in whatever (limited) capacity he currently has. My only question is whether seeing other people at this point makes sense or would just potentially ruin what we could have in future.

 

To answer your question, seeing other people is probably your best shot towards a future.

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My only question is whether seeing other people at this point makes sense or would just potentially ruin what we could have in future.

 

Zebra, if he were that concerned about ruining any potential, he wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

Date others. He isn't anywhere near as invested in the outcome of this as you are.

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Why is it all about what he wants what he thinks what he feels? Was your past relationship one of extreme submission and sacrifice like this? It's a bizarre mindset to let some player roll into your life and take it over with what he needs, what he wants, what he thinks what he feels.

he wants me around

because he wants me around.

I’m not the person he wants to be with in

whatever (limited) capacity he currently has.

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Zebra, if he were that concerned about ruining any potential, he wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

Date others. He isn't anywhere near as invested in the outcome of this as you are.

 

He has been in close contact every day for a year, has invited me on multiple faraway trips and paid for countless dinners (never ever me) and often wants to spend time w my child. That isn’t much investment?

I feel like if there were a way to help him trust or hope again then all could be well- though not for a while yet probably, as it takes a long time to get over a long marriage. I don’t know how much I could even be expecting right now beyond what he’s doing. I’m worried that dating others is something I’ll regret (especially when it’s not like he’s saying he wants me to Do so and thus, as you say, doesn’t really care).

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I feel like if there were a way to help him trust or hope again then all could be well- though not for a while yet probably, as it takes a long time to get over a long marriage. I donÂ’t know how much I could even be expecting right now beyond what heÂ’s doing.

 

Well, heÂ’s got you pegged. HeÂ’s put all of the responsibility for the success of this relationship in your hands, and youÂ’re willingly accepting it. I donÂ’t think itÂ’s going to work out too well for you, though. Your very low expectations are robbing you of your chance to do better.

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Imagine, if you will, a scale. On one side you have this:

 

He has been in close contact every day for a year, has invited me on multiple faraway trips and paid for countless dinners and often wants to spend time w my child. That isn’t much investment?

 

And on the other this:

 

Currently he feels he doesn't believe in love and won't trust anyone ever again. He said he thought he'd be ready to move on, but actually he's not ready for commitment.

 

To my eyes, at least, the latter outweighs the former. It's not even subtle. It's like a feather on one side, and a tank on the other, but your brain (or heart, or ego) is doing all sorts of acrobatics to see something that's not there. Go back to your post on this forum from 2015, about trying to extract commitment from another unavailable man, and you might see a pattern in you—one that, right now, might be begging for your attention, brain cells, and compassion far more than this man.

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