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Thread: How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.

  1. #71
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get back to the doctor for antipsychotics that work for you.
    Originally Posted by Grimlockkk
    Mostly, need to find the right combo of psychotropes.

  2. #72
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    This forum has always very aggressive, and reacts poorly to my writing style. Some of this is since I do not usually take into account many aren't not highly analytical in their thinking. I find machines preferable to most people. She is similar and finding women like that can be difficult. Going to try to express myself succinctly to make things clear.

    To sum up what happened if you have one falling out with a friend it might be them. If they have 10 falling outs with friends it is probably them.

    What I'm trying to do is say something that will get her in therapy. So, maybe 3 to 20 years from now we speak again. I want to get back together, and find usually friendship is the route. I'm better equipped now at responding to emotional issues. But, if we started dating or even talking I'd be in couples therapy right away.

    Now, it's not just about drawing her back to me. I also find myself dating virtually the same woman over and over again. So, again need to get them in couples therapy. The only issue is the archetype is prone to devaluing their partners, and it's very hard to get them to see why they need to change slightly to make the relationship last.

    So, the direct question is how to make a partner with an avoidant attachment style realize their aloofness is why relationships keep failing from their side? How to get them in therapy and seriously engage, rather than cutting and running?

    I'm pretty sure she had BPD was all I meant. Got a log of "I hate you" responses to "I feel close to you." I look at this relationship as a band that fell apart, and it's going to take 30 years to get back together.

    I'm just trying to speed up the return to speaking terms. I was also interested in her professional, and it's hard to find someone you'd also like to work professionally with. Personally, she reinforced good habits of mine just by being there. I just know she's probably still having similar interpersonal issues as BPD stays pretty intense.

    The major problem we had was this, we'd disagree on whether a movie was good. I'd change my position to closer to hers to continue the conversation and add more nuance. She'd respond by yelling at me for being inauthentic and always agreeing with her. We're similar people so we naturally agree, but I think she expects her family style, which was highly dismissive and abusive. Something like 70% of families in the US are technically committing child abuse. I'm still saying we are not talking because of our childhood, and with the lifespan increasing I'd like to nudge her towards there, and believe if I pop up, send the right words, the odds of her attending a high school reunion in the next 30 years will increase. We can start rebuilding things there. She just holds grudges, I don't.

  3. #73
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    Originally Posted by Grimlockkk
    This forum has always very aggressive, and reacts poorly to my writing style. Some of this is since I do not usually take into account many aren't not highly analytical in their thinking. I find machines preferable to most people. She is similar and finding women like that can be difficult. Going to try to express myself succinctly to make things clear.

    <<snip>>
    If you want to be taken seriously by anyone in this forum then you would not write nonsense such as this. It is ironic that the statement is dismissive and non-analytical.

    You are wasting your time ignoring really good commentary on your plight.

    Please seek professional mental health counselling.

  4. #74
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Serious questions...how can you think it's possible to "get" someone into therapy who you haven't communicated with in 10 years and who, last time you checked, has blocked you? What makes you think she wants to reconcile with you? What makes you think she wants to make it work with you when you haven't communicated with her in TEN YEARS?? What are you basing this on that is happening now, not 10 years ago? How has she shown you she even wants anything to do with you? And I mean now, not 10 years ago.

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  6. #75
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Reluctantly, I wade back into these waters...

    Let's say, for the sake of argument, that all of your posts in this thread were not about a ghost from high school who has burned with a nuclear-grade fire in your imagination, but about a woman you were married to for the past decade—one who, six months ago, told you that it was over, that there was nothing to fix, and had blocked you across all platforms.

    Well, my advice, and likely that of others, would be the same: that over is over, that peace of mind and sincere personal/emotional growth is going to come from accepting that, not bending space and time to manipulate her back to being the person you want her to be, as that is the opposite of peace of mind and growth.

    This, of course, is not that, since it's a woman you don't know, at all, have not exchanged a single word with in a decade, and last knew as a teenager, hands down the most emotionally turbulent period of a human a life. Which, yes, makes this all exponentially more disturbing and makes me hope you'll get some help.

    As for this business of attachment styles, and how to make one work with the other? I think you're missing the point, frankly. The whole idea behind understanding attachment styles—which are just guideposts, not permanent diagnoses—is to help us understand ourselves, and how to conduct the business of being ourselves in the world. So someone (like you) who is hellbent on finding comfort in labeling himself "anxious"—well, that someone would do well in (a) treating his anxiety and (b) "attaching" to those who are "secure," since other options, from a fellow "anxious" to an "avoidant," is just going to spin you for a loop.

    Metaphor: I surf, am a pretty decent surfer, and am generally someone who requires a lot to get flustered out there in the world, to be made "anxious." Still, there are some waves and certain beaches that are just too much for me: too big, too scary. I can't handle them, my palms sweat just thinking about them, and so I avoid them. Other surfers? They are comfortable out there, having a blast, not even using words like "big" and "scary" to describe that water. It's just fun for them, even relaxing—a good match for who they are.

    Trying to get someone you deem as "avoidant" into therapy for your personal benefit—well, that would be like me trying to get those waves to change shape. Recipe for insanity, right there, since those waves are connected to forces much bigger than me: sun, moon, the spin of the earth. Other human beings are just as mysterious, untamable: a solar system onto themselves. In some we will be comfortable, in others we will struggle to breathe. It is on us to recognize our own limitations rather than finding false strength in cataloging those of others.

    Words I suspect will shatter as fast as you read them. Fine. Your life, your choices. But I'll leave them here in hopes that something seeps in, if not now than later, as you go about the business of finding your way out of this quicksand.

  7. #76
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Some of this is since I do not usually take into account many aren't not highly analytical in their thinking.
    The main components of analytical thinking are fact based research, critical thinking, and objectivity. Conclusions made based on taking all sides into account, after testing the theory and taking into account the results.

    You are not using analytical thinking in your assessment of the situation as you are using assumptions and emotions to create your conclusions.

  8. #77
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    How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.

    When an idea comes to mind and we obsess over it a longtime, it can take life form and appear as a very believable & attainable objective. I’m guilty of this myself. It’s important for you to steady yourself. Do not get ahead of yourself with mostly fictitious ideas that are not grounded in reality but rather built on wishful thinking. The lines between fantasy and reality tend to get blurred sometimes. However, we live in a very real world where some things are simply beyond our control. Often times when people get very lost in fantasy, it’s usually because they’re quite lonely people who do not often engage socially. My suggestion to you is to engage in activities with friends, whether it’s a get together, a movie, signing up to the gym, or attending classes to further your career/education. Get busy with real life, instead of building fantasies.

  9. #78
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    I mean in my writing style. They don't read what I write properly based off of responses.

    And she was having an affair with the dude I thought she was. She wrote me an angry email, after I tried to get in touch, and I turned the husband in to his wife. The wife confirmed through the accounts, and thanked me. I would have let her have her affair if she was nice to me. I'm also just fine with a friendship. But, she's not willing to address the dynamic we had in the past.

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