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Thread: How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.

  1. #31
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You can't make someone want to be with you.

    How many times in the past 10 years has she reached out to you? When has she indicated she wants to join you in "trying to fix this"?
    Quoting myself because I'm still curious about these questions.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Grimlockkk
    I do not understand why the advice is just leave her alone, and move on.
    I'll give you my reasons.

    The more you write, the more you are describing a relationship that was toxic and abusive, one in which two people excavated their worst sides and made a mess. Spending 10 years wanting to reunite with someone who hit you, encouraged you to end your life, around whom you were primarily anxious, and to whom you were psychotically abusive—well, I'm sorry, but that does not enter my brain and register as healthy or something to return to.

    Replace "her" with "heroin" or "this guy I was once bros with who broke my jaw" and my advice would be the same: a door best left shut. Imagine you'd maybe give the same advice in those contexts, if not the romantic planes on which your feet get a bit slippery. And yet it's the same, because toxic is toxic, and the antidote to poison is never more poison.

    As for this notion of wanting to save her from her personal hell? That, in any context, is unhealthy, since it's predicated on the idea that someone is broken and poisonous, and no human being wants to be seen by another human being like that. The related idea that you are the one person who could "fix" her? Well, that's just pure hubris and, given the time frame here, magical thinking. The fact that you're clinging to these ideas of her—that she is frozen in just the state she was in as a teenager, that you are the remedy—is especially troublesome, in short. Do note that just because you might be cresting into 30 frozen in a certain set of craggy psychological variables dating back to adolescence—addicted to toxicity, say—it doesn't mean everyone else is.

    I very much agree with MissCanuk that this thread would be a terrific foundation for a few more sessions with a therapist.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Being in obsession about someone that has told you in a number of different ways to leave them alone... not only refusing to move on but actively stalking her and looking for opportunities to connect with her... it's beyond self-centered, selfish, arrogant and controlling.

    And as long as we are doing armchair diagnoses here... the belief that using illicit drugs will solve all of your problems is the text book definition of an addict, which would explain the majority of the behaviors you seem to be exhibiting here and would also explain why you haven't let go and moved on.

  4. #34
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    I wasn't psychotically abusive. What I did was make her feel guilty. I don't even know if my words would pass some objective litmus as she was always finding reasons to be angry over minor things.

    I have anxious attachment style, which means I constantly check up on the relationship, and don't trust very easily. I'm also anxious in general.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Grimlockkk
    I wasn't psychotically abusive. What I did was make her feel guilty. I don't even know if my words would pass some objective litmus as she was always finding reasons to be angry over minor things.

    I have anxious attachment style, which means I constantly check up on the relationship, and don't trust very easily. I'm also anxious in general.
    Her reasons for being angry or not wanting to see you don't need to be validated and don't need your approval. She feels how she feels whether you agree with it or not and perhaps one of the reasons she gets so angry is that you refuse to listen to and accept what she says.

    You are using her to feel secure instead of finding ways to feel secure in yourself, which is why you continue to try and control the situation. I get that it's scary to let go but if you do... you will find freedom in no longer grinding away in your head on how you can get her back.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Being in obsession about someone that has told you in a number of different ways to leave them alone... not only refusing to move on but actively stalking her and looking for opportunities to connect with her... it's beyond self-centered, selfish, arrogant and controlling.

    And as long as we are doing armchair diagnoses here... the belief that using illicit drugs will solve all of your problems is the text book definition of an addict, which would explain the majority of the behaviors you seem to be exhibiting here and would also explain why you haven't let go and moved on.
    I'm not stalking her, in the legal sense. Maybe, in a sense people are uncomfortable with, which a ton of people admit to doing.

    Sure, she told me that she wanted nothing to do with me. I always backed off, and then came back later for different results. If anything it's the fact I kept asking her about dating. Ok, I get some people have issues with commitment, which she clearly had. We got into fights over her sharing going on trips with her dad, in the past, to ride rollercoasters. The fact I asked if she wanted to deepen our connection by adding more meaningful bonding moments was a red flag as that was pretty early on.

    And you misread what I had wrote. I'm saying that if she was willing to use mdma, which is legal for therapy in a year, we could repair the shattered bond. If I'm obsessed with anything it's work, and how to better improve my work life, which is why I date in my department. I don't want anything housewife. I want someone I spend 80+ hours a week working with.

    I have not moved on since I'm still in love with her. It's the same emotionally when someone dies and refuses to see new partners. I'm trying figure out how to massage my fantasy of cordial reunification.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Her reasons for being angry or not wanting to see you don't need to be validated and don't need your approval. She feels how she feels whether you agree with it or not and perhaps one of the reasons she gets so angry is that you refuse to listen to and accept what she says.

    You are using her to feel secure instead of finding ways to feel secure in yourself, which is why you continue to try and control the situation. I get that it's scary to let go but if you do... you will find freedom in no longer grinding away in your head on how you can get her back.
    She does have borderline personality disorder, or at least traits that fit that diagnosis. Her close friends thought of her as bipolar. Bipolar is moody for two weeks, and then fine. BPD is extreme ups and downs over emotional stimulus. I spent a long time with, and I've met other women with similar behaviors that definitely had BPD diagnoses, and I've spoken with enough guys who dated women with BPD to be pretty sure she had BPD.

    She does not need to validate it. What I'm saying is in a healthy relationship you negotiate, and talk through this you don't scream at each other. She did tell me I did not listen to her; so, I asked if she has "any examples," and she just started screaming at me. I believe she thought I was attacking her, (again we never spoke directly about fights, and I just bought her stuff to attempt to appease her anger) as she indicated to me her dad always told her how below par her work was. She'd fight with me for agreeing with her too much, and disagree. All I was trying to do was not set her off.

    By minor, I mean missing a turn, putting soy sauce on my rice, etc.

    I tend to piss people off, but at the end of the day I'm usually right. Look it comes down to beliefs, and the fact I'm almost certain modern physics implies there's a very high probability time is circular, and don't want to be stuck being separated from someone I view as kin.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'll give you my reasons.

    The more you write, the more you are describing a relationship that was toxic and abusive, one in which two people excavated their worst sides and made a mess. Spending 10 years wanting to reunite with someone who hit you, encouraged you to end your life, around whom you were primarily anxious, and to whom you were psychotically abusive—well, I'm sorry, but that does not enter my brain and register as healthy or something to return to.

    Replace "her" with "heroin" or "this guy I was once bros with who broke my jaw" and my advice would be the same: a door best left shut. Imagine you'd maybe give the same advice in those contexts, if not the romantic planes on which your feet get a bit slippery. And yet it's the same, because toxic is toxic, and the antidote to poison is never more poison.

    As for this notion of wanting to save her from her personal hell? That, in any context, is unhealthy, since it's predicated on the idea that someone is broken and poisonous, and no human being wants to be seen by another human being like that. The related idea that you are the one person who could "fix" her? Well, that's just pure hubris and, given the time frame here, magical thinking. The fact that you're clinging to these ideas of her—that she is frozen in just the state she was in as a teenager, that you are the remedy—is especially troublesome, in short. Do note that just because you might be cresting into 30 frozen in a certain set of craggy psychological variables dating back to adolescence—addicted to toxicity, say—it doesn't mean everyone else is.

    I very much agree with MissCanuk that this thread would be a terrific foundation for a few more sessions with a therapist.
    Except your making false analogies, and guys do make up with other guys that break their jaw. Depends on the context of why they were hitting each other. I have friends that I picked up by the throat when 16, and started choking them out. We made up almost immediately, and are still good friends to this day.

    Plus I don't want to go back to the past relationship. I want to have the relationship we should have had. We're not speaking because of who we are, but that happened when we were three that set us on a trajectory to break up. It's not that I don't have any responsibility for addressing my part. It's more I don't exactly believe in free will, and don't believe either of us was really at fault.

    No, I don't think she's irreparably broken. I do think she needed therapy, while dating, and like I've already mentioned with BPD they tend to not seek / stay in treatment. It's even a condition psychologists toss their patients onto other providers

    I have fantasies about saving women. Probably, has something to do with my relationship with my mother, and it did not help the first girl I had a crush on I had fantasies about saving her from her drug habit. Mostly, breaking into the opium den stabbing a bunch of people, and removing her from that situation.

    There was a lot of good with the bad too. If you actually read what I wrote litterally I clearly don't want to go back to that relationship, but if we reconnect I'd immediately go to couples therapy. I'd go to couples therapy for a new partner if I got the slightest hint of avoidant attachment.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Quoting myself because I'm still curious about these questions.
    Oh, she never indicated she wanted me to come back. I was in her discard phase by then, and declared a terrible person. I watched her do that to multiple other people over the years. She completely removed herself from the entire social circle; so, there is litterally no way for her to indicate to me, and she has reached out previously after going for a year without speaking. Every time she became a little bit more distant. In reality it was more of a six year gradual slide out of dating. We pretty much cuddled till our last meeting.

    I do not know if I really need her to reach out first, of course that's preferable. Sure, in a sense I'm trying to influence her to humanize me. There has to be a clever way to get my foot in the door.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    So I looked up the info on MDMA, Ecstasy or Molly. You are out of your mind if you think that dosing on that with her (presuming she even wants to do so, which I doubt) is an option.

    It is illegal and there is no quality control and no identified therapeutic effect on people. it is strictly a dangerous chemical used recreationally by drug takers--period. Essentially, it is an addled-brained idea.

    An excerpt about it from [Register to see the link]


    'the synthetic drugs found in Molly can cause chest pains, paranoia, hallucinations, psychotic and violent behavior, dehydration, kidney failure and, in several instances, death. Molly samples have also been found to contain addictive drugs, such as methamphetamine, heroin, ketamine, PCP and amphetamines. The ingredients in Molly have been implicated in the emergency room visits and deaths of people who assumed they were taking pure MDMA.'
    Except, I am very well informed, and the FDA gave it breakthrough drug status because it cures PTSD. I do think at the very least it can get us back to speaking terms.

    Here is a link to the research organization.

    [Register to see the link]

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